Stay With Me
by purple pear 87
Summary: What happens when James stops asking Lily out? Will she see who he really is and change her mind? But what if it's too late? Set in their seventh year, when the Dark Lord's rise to power is more and more frightening.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

I looked around the bright, cozy common room as the portrait door swung open, and sighed at what I saw. Four boys were climbing into the room- one tall and darkly handsome, one with dark brown hair and a tired face, one small and round, his eyes darting all across the room, and one with rumpled black hair and round glasses. That one was playing with a small golden snitch in his hand- tossing it up, letting it zoom around the room a few times on its delicate silver wings, before snatching it when it came just in his reach.

I could see other students' diverting their interests to the four boys. Indeed, most of the girls in the common room were watching them with silly, simpering smiles on their faces. I sniffed. _Honestly._ You would think they were some sort of heroes, not just obnoxious prats.

I leaned back over my homework, dipping my quill into the ink pot and rubbing the soft tip against my cheek thoughtfully, writing the words, _How to Deal with Dementors _across the top of the of the parchment in front of me.

I gradually became aware of somebody hovering over me. I looked up to see James Potter, the snitch back in his hands, beaming down and running his fingers through his already-mussed hair. My heart sank. Why did he insist on acting like an idiot every chance he had?

"Hello, Evans," he said loudly, taking the chair across from me and grinning confidently. I arched one eyebrow carelessly and bent over my writing, scribbling something about thinking about happy thoughts.

"Evans," he said again, slightly louder this time. I glared up at him. "What?" I snapped waspishly, though I thought I perfectly knew what he wanted.

"Why didn't you come down to watch the Quidditch match?" he sounded slightly annoyed. I glanced back down at my homework. "I have better things to do than watch you fumble over a silly snitch."

"Hey!" He protested, sounding hurt. "It's not silly. Besides, you missed the best catch I've ever made. Regulus Black and I were neck and neck, hurtling toward the ground, when Gregory Marks hit the bludger right at his head, so he had to roll . . ."

I tried not to roll my eyes as he rambled on and on, instead tuning him out. By the time he finished talking, I had covered a roll of parchment with my small, precise writing. When it occurred to me that he seemed to be silent, I glanced up again. "Did you ask something?"

He frowned, clearly nettled that I hadn't been hanging onto his every word, like some of the other girls in the seventh year. "I was wondering," he said slowly. "If you'd like to go visit Hogsmeade with me next trip."

I bit down on my lip, trying hard not to shout. Did he really think he was going to get a different answer from when he had asked yesterday? Or the day before that? Or every week since fourth year? "Of course not!" I snapped, my annoyance finally showing through. "I'll give you one thing, you never give up! How many times will it take to get it through your thick skull? I don't want to!"

He got to his feet, giving me another self-confident smile. "If you change your mind, Evans, I'll always be here . . ."

"I'm not going to change my mind, you arrogant bastard!" I finally lost patience, my voice reverberating across the common room, which was now eerily silent- every eye having turned to yet another scene between us. "I will never go out with you, and I pity the girl who will end up with you."

His face twisted into a scowl. "If you're going to be like that, Evans . . . I'll try again tomorrow."

I suddenly laughed. "You couldn't go the rest of the year without asking me out, I'd bet."

He glanced down at me, his mouth twitching. We both knew he couldn't resist wagers. "Oh really?"

"Yes," I said defiantly, crossing my arms against my chest. "We both know you'd crack tomorrow."

"We'll see about that," he said triumphantly. "What will you do for me if I don't ask you out again?"

I cast around desperately in my mind. What would interest him? What if I offered to help him study for his N.E.W.T.s? Or to teach him some new jinx or charm? But he answered himself a few moments later. "You'll go to the ball with me," he said eagerly. Every year, just before summer break came was a ball at the school, for fourth years and above. "If I don't ask you out for a year?"

I thought about that. Chances were, if he didn't remember to ask me out every day, he would forget about the bet by the end of the year. Boys like James Potter didn't have very long-term memories. "Deal," I said happily, offering my hand. He shook it, and turned to walk back to his friends lounging in the best armchairs by the fire. Before he sat down, he turned to wink at me. I scowled in return, then sighed happily. This was going to be the best year I had had in Hogwarts for three years.

"What I can't believe," My friend Aria said later as we clustered around the table in the common room a few hours later. "Is why you agreed to to the ball with him. I thought you hated him!"

"If it keeps him away from me for a year, it's worth it," I said emphatically. "Especially if he gets a girlfriend in the time between then and now."

"I don't know why you always say no," Olivia said dreamily, staring after the spot where all four boys had long since disappeared, probably to sneak down to the kitchens to nick some treats before bed. "If I were you, we'd be dating by now."

"Which is why I'm not you," I told her crossly. "I'd never stoop that low."

Raye grinned at me. "And yet you agreed to his deal . . ."

I leaned forward, my long dark red hair swinging in front of my face. "Do you really think that Potter will remember the bet at the end of the year, when he hasn't kept asking me out? Boys like him have the memory span of a flea, Raye."

Aria shrugged. "He was probably only asking you out to make fun of you," she decided. "Once he knows it won't work anymore, he'll forget about you and start going out with Mordica Parkinson."

I wrinkled my nose. Mordica Parkinson was in sixth year, with perfectly curled blond hair, clear skin and big blue eyes, but the nastiest personality of anybody in the school. Like most girls, she was alternating between being head-over-heels in love with James Potter and Sirius Black. She would leap at the first chance to go out with Potter, but still . . . as obnoxious as he was, I didn't much like the idea of him dating Parkinson.

The fire snapped and popped cozily in the large fireplace in front of us, and the sunlight streaming in from the windows slowly faded, until the only lighting came from the many candle-brackets hung on the wall, and the warm glow of the flames. The soft, lazy chatter of students filled the room with a sense of home. I sighed and relaxed in my armchair, leaning my head back against the top.

Home . . . As much as I wanted to pretend I never wanted to go there again, I missed it dearly. I hadn't seen my mother and father since summer break, for over a month. Even Petunia. I couldn't admit to myself yet that I didn't love my sister anymore. I couldn't help remembering how different it had been when we were children, before that letter came. Petunia was my best friend, my guardian. All that had changed when Severus had appeared out of nowhere, and told me I was a witch. Severus and Petunia hadn't liked each other, and I was their go-between, the resulted split-friendship severed a deep crack between the once-strong bond.

And Severus! He had seemed like some kind of savior that year, before I got the letter. So confident in his future, so self-assured. I had liked that, hadn't I? I always liked things that were different- I was so different from all the other children myself. He had taught me everything about the magical world, and opened my small, mundane mind to the wide concept of magic.

But now, he was so different. We still talked, occasionally, but I could see that Slytherin house was changing him. He was once so kind, so generous, and now he scoffed at me. Two years ago, he had shouted at me, calling me Mudblood. I hadn't spoken to him for weeks, butwe had finally made up. All of my friends didn't understand why I was ever friends with him, as many times as I tried to explain what a nice person he was, really.

"Lilly!"

I glanced up. Aria was leaning over me, a concerned look on her face. "Are you all right? You've been asleep for at least an hour now. It's bedtime."

I yawned and stretched, my sore joints protesting painfully. "Sorry. I was just thinking . . ." My face must have shown the confusion on my mind, for she squeezed me around the shoulders comfortingly. "Don't worry, Lil. Remember? James won't pester you for another year."

I tried to smile, but even that didn't seem like as good a reward as it had a couple hours ago.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

** A/N-Okay, so this is my first fan fiction. If you're reading this, well, thanks for deciding to keep reading until the second chapter! I promise, it's going to get better. This isn't quite my best writing yet, and I have some surprises up my sleeve! **

However sleepy I was, though, I wasn't going to get any sleep, as I dragged my feet up the stone steps and into my dormitory, where four bright eyed seventh year girls were waiting for me, all sitting on my bed.

I groaned."What is it?" I asked, hiding a yawn behind my hand and flopping down onto the mattress next to them. Aria was literally bouncing up and down in excitement. "It's the first Saturday of the school term!" She sang. "You know what that means!"

I felt my happy mood, ever since the bet with Potter happened, drop. Of _course_ I knew what this meant. Every first Saturday of the new school term was the Girls' Night, when all the girls in our dormitory, whether we knew them or not, would contribute in a very long, very rowdy game of Truth or Dare, something I had told Aria about in first year, and regretted ever since.

"Aria," I pleaded, grabbing onto her arm. "I beg you. I'm exhausted. I've been tormented. Just let me sleep!"

She rumpled my hair fondly. "Silly Lilly. Who was tormenting you this time? Like I need to ask?"  
I crossed my arms over my chest and ignored her. Olivia nudged my foot. "Come on, Lil," she coaxed. "You'll break the six years of tradition if you don't do this."

I sighed, exasperated. "Fine!" I snapped. "But excuse me if I fall asleep in the middle of the game."

"You're excused." Raye smirked at me. "Okay. Who wants to start?" Her gaze turned to Sara, the new member of the dormitory. "Truth or dare?"

Sara blushed. My heart went out to her. She'd never spoken to us before, and here she was, sitting on my bed, looking entirely out of place. She was a quiet girl, more of the bookish type, with short black hair and a pretty, friendly face. "Truth," she said softly, ducking her head so that her hair fell in front of her face.

"Okay." Raye considered her, and I knew she wouldn't be too hard on the poor girl, as she'd never been around us before. "What kind of knickers do you think Snape wears?"

"Raye!" I screeched, picking up my pillow to whack her around the head with it. Sara, however was grinning, although her cheeks were a faint strawberry. "Pink lace."

I chortled. Aria grinned and patted Sara on the back appreciatively. "I think you were placed in this dormitory for a reason," she said with mock solemnity. Sara smiled shyly at her as Olivia roared with laughter beside us.

"Who do you ask?" Raye finally said, wiping away her tears of laughter. Sara turned to Aria. "Truth or dare?"

"Hmmm . . . truth," Aria said finally. I was surprised. She usually chose dares every time, some of the more ridiculous ones involved her asking Snape out on a date, her racing around the Common Room in her knickers, and charming McGonagall's hair to turn purple, which suited her quite well, actually.

"Who do you fancy?" She asked quietly. I rolled my eyes. _Amateurs_. We had all asked each other that in first year, the very first time we decided to play the game, and as a result nobody would answer the question truthfully, so we had to invent a few rules. Olivia grinned at me, taking out her wand and muttering a few words.

"Damn," Aria muttered, catching what Olivia had done. "Stupid truth spells." She sighed, looking down at her hands, blushing slightly. "Sirius Black," she mumbled, so softly I could barely hear it. I gaped at her.

"Black?" Raye gasped, laying on her belly so that she was facing Aria. "For how long?" Aria grimaced slightly. "Since the beginning of last year," she informed us. "I didn't really want to," she remarked dryly, seeing my look of revulsion. "But how can I help it?"

"Hey." Olivia ruffled her hair. "If it helps, I think you'd be a great match." Aria quirked her eyebrow at her. She smiled. "Well, you both have the same personalities, are really clever, and love to play pranks on people."

Aria smacked Olivia's shoulder and giggled. "Oh, speaking of which, you might not want to go into your wardrobe for a few hours."

Olivia turned around violently, her eyes on her dresser, which shook slightly. She grimaced. "Aria, one of these days-"

"Liv, truth or dare?" She cut in, smiling mischievously, all traces of seriousness gone. Olivia grinned back. "Dare."

"Fine," Aria leaned forward, propping her heart-shaped face on her palm, her long sandy-colored hair swinging around her face. "I dare you to go down to the Common Room right now and kiss Pettigrew."

Olivia groaned. "No! Ari, please! Don't do that to me!" Aria just smiled and shook her head. Olivia scowled at her. "I'm not going to talk to you for a week." She said grumpily, but getting off the bed anyway and stomping out of the room. We followed eagerly, trampling down the steps behind her and into the dimly lit Common Room, clutching each other to stay upright as Olivia marched over to where Remus, Sirius, Potter and Peter sat, shot a last, dirty look at us, before stopping in front of Peter's chair. Without warning, she put her hand on his shoulder, and pressed her lips against his stunned ones for the briefest moment, before jerking back and racing up the stairs, flipping us off as she did so. I almost cried with laughter as I heard the sounds of gagging from upstairs.

"What was _that?_" Sirius asked us interestedly, staring at Aria. I nudged her, grinning, now that I knew her secret, and she swatted me away. "We're playing truth or dare," she told him, sweeping her hair behind her shoulder. "Want to play?"

"Aria!" Raye pushed her away playfully, but she only grinned impishly. Sirius looked delighted. "Of course we will!" He said happily, spreading his arms out wide. "As soon as Wormy stops hyperventilating from his first kiss."

_Wormy_. How charming. I looked over at Peter, who still looked like he was going into shock. Beside me, Raye was stifling a laugh. I grinned over at her.

Aria perched herself on the arm of Sirius' chair. I envied her. If I liked a guy, not that I ever would, I would never have the guts to do that- I'd probably run from the room shrieking if he _talked _to me. Sirius immediately tried to shove her off, but she clung on, and at last he gave up with a resigned sigh. Potter smirked at him.

"Who's turn was it?" He asked us, more pointed at me than anyone else. I sniffed in disapproval. Just because he had promised not to pester me for a year didn't mean I liked him any more than usual. Aria answered for me. "It _was_ Olivia's turn," she said teasingly, as a voice drifted down from the girls' staircase; "I AM NOT COMING DOWN THERE, ARIA, UNTIL I'VE SCRUBBED MY LIPS WITH BLOODY SANDPAPER!"

Remus chuckled. "A bit of a temper," he said mildly. "Ah, well. I guess Peter won't be getting his first girlfriend any time now."

Peter flushed and glared at Remus, who only smiled back. Sirius cleared his throat impatiently. "Are we getting on with the game or not?" Remus rolled his eyes. "Okay, so, then, who goes?"  
"I do," Sirius said impatiently, slouching back in his chair, his face excited. "Okay, James,"

James grinned back, looking expectant. "What?"

"Truth or dare?"

"Excuse me?"

Raye rolled her eyes, slumping onto the sofa, beside Remus. Sara followed suit hesitantly. "It's a Muggle game, James," she said exasperatedly, leaning her head back so that it rested on the cushion. "You can either pick truth or dare. If you pick truth, the asker gets to force something honest out of you. If you pick dare, you have to submit yourself to whatever torture they provide."

Potter grinned, the firelight dancing on his glasses. "Dare," he said immediately. I wasn't surprised, I thought, as I sat on the ground in front of Raye, leaning back onto her legs, rather than to take the open seat beside Potter. Sirius rubbed his hands together happily, a bit of a cliché, but looking for all the world like Doomsday waiting to happen.

"I dare you," he said slowly, accentuating every word. "To plan a prank to go off on Halloween."

Potter's grin got wider, if that was possible. Sirius held up one finger, however. "I'm not finished. This has to be the biggest, best prank that has ever happened in the history of Hogwarts school. Oh, and if you get caught by the teachers, you say it was all your idea. And if nobody catches you and hoards of pretty, admiring girls compliment you, you'll have to say it was all my idea."

Potter's face deflated by a bit, but he still looked dangerously happy. "Weren't you planning on doing this yourself, mate?" he pointed out. Sirius swatted his hand, as though brushing off an irksome fly. "But this is perfect, Pr-James. You do all the work, make it spectacular, and I get all the credit! Saves me a lot of trouble and energy."

Aria winced from her perch. "I really don't want to know what's running through your head right now," she remarked to Potter, who smirked and replied, "no, you probably don't."

"Oh, well," I sighed. "Now that all of us are going to be scared silly on Halloween, shall we get on with this?"

Potter threw a look at me. "Be patient, Evans," he said, chastising. "Okay. Truth or dare?"

I raised my eyebrow. "Are you talking to me?"

He smirked and nodded. "Truth or dare?"

I scowled at him. Afraid of what he'd make me say if I picked truth, I said quickly, "Dare." He looked slightly surprised, but hid it almost immediately. "I dare you to get us some butterbeer," he said cooly, leaning back to fold his hands behind his head. I rolled my eyes. Did he honestly think that was a difficult dare, or was he just feeling sorry for me?

"Easy," I smiled nastily at him, getting up from the couch and starting toward the door. "I'll be back in a minute."

And indeed, I was back in a few minutes, nine butterbeers clutched in my arms. I made my way back over to where everyone was sitting, and dumped them unceremoniously into Potter's lap, smirking as he winced.

"That was your dare?" Raye smirked at him. "Lilly's known the way down to the kitchens since the first week of school."

Potter grinned at me. "Girl after my heart." I glared at him. "No, actually, I was just thirsty." I smirked and grabbed a drink, popping the lid off with my teeth and taking a sip. The warm, buttery drink flowed down my throat, settling comfortably in my stomach, warming up my body.

The others took swigs of butterbeer, dropping their bottles down on the tables and curling into the couches and armchairs. "Okay, Lilly," Potter said, grinning cheekily at me. "Who're you going to dare?"

"Aria," I said cheerfully, choosing to ignore him. "Truth or dare?"  
She smiled, relieved that I'd chosen her. "Dare," she said confidently, twirling a lock of her hair around her finger.

"All right. I dare you to sit on Sirius's lap for the rest of the night."

Aria blushed furiously, glancing down at Sirius, who looked thunderstruck, but grinned and opened his arms invitingly. She reddened further, but slid down the arm of the chair to sit in his lap, stiffening as he wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on her shoulder jokingly.

"Thanks a lot, Lil," Aria muttered, her cheeks still peppermint pink. "I'll get you for this. Okay, Remus, truth or dare?"  
Remus looked up from the book he was reading, looking fairly surprised. "I'm sorry?"

"Truth or dare?"

He glanced at Potter. Clearly he hadn't been paying attention to anything. "Um, truth, I guess." He looked slightly alarmed, and Sara smiled at him reassuringly. Aria grinned. "What's your biggest secret?"

I saw Remus exchange a glance with Sirius and Potter and I couldn't understand why. He looked slightly panicked. "Er, do I have to answer that?" he said finally. Aria laughed. "Come on, Remus. What could be so bad?"

But he still looked unconvinced. Sirius jerked his head slightly, his hair brushing against Aria's cheek, as though saying, _you might as well_.

"Well, um," Remus began, and I could tell he was stalling. "I had a girlfriend, I guess, in sixth year."

"What?" Sirius looked like he would have jumped to his feet, if Aria wasn't perched on his lap. "Moony! Congratulations! Why didn't you tell us? Who was she?"

Remus looked uncomfortable. "Mary MacDonald," he said, naming a friendly sixth year girl in Hufflepuff. "Sorry- I didn't think you'd be interested in my love life."

Potter rolled his eyes. "Come on, Remus- we're interested in everyone's love lives. Except for Moaning Myrtle, of course." Remus smirked. "So, how did it end? What girl would be foolish enough to break up with our Moony here?"

Moony. Honestly, the names they had for each other. I watched with interest as Remus squirmed in the couch. "She was just . . . too demanding, and . . . She wanted to know too . . . much . . ." He looked over at Sirius, Peter and Potter, and I could see that they understood something we didn't.

Aria looked delighted with uncovering this particularly interesting snippet of information. "Well, thanks for sharing that with us, Remus," she said happily, leaning back against Sirius's chest, who had a guarded emotion in his face as he adjusted his grip on her. "Now you go."

"O-_kay_," Remus said, putting his book down reluctantly. "Um, Lilly."

"Me?" I said, slightly frustrated. "But I already went, Remus!" He smiled kindly at me. "I know. I just want to ask you something. Truth or dare?"

"Truth," I decided, not wanting to see what sort of dares could be concocted for me in the same room as James Potter.

"Do you really hate James?"  
I reddened, looking over at James, who suddenly looked very interested with the game. "Yeah, I'd like to hear this," he said, leaning forward, his eyes trained on me. I squirmed, glancing helplessly over at Aria and Raye. Aria smirked. Raye looked faintly curious.

I looked down at my hands, twisting my fingers around each other. "Hate him? Well . . . I wouldn't say hate him, exactly. That's a bit harsh." I looked over at Potter, who was smiling triumphantly. Repressing the urge to scowl, I said cruelly, "Let's just say I strongly dislike him."

He scowled at me. "I'm extremely likable," he protested feebly, running his fingers through his jet black hair to make it look like he had just stuck his finger in one of the sockets at my house. Remus snorted. Potter stuck his tongue out at him.

"Why?" Sirius asked, shifting Aria on his lap, who blushed again. I considered this. "He's got an ego the size of Asia," I finally said. "So he thinks he's better than any other person on this planet. And he jinxes unsuspecting people in the corridors for no reason."

"That was two years ago!" Potter ejaculated. "And Snape deserved it. He was _leering _at you." His face flushed slightly as he said that. Sirius wolf-whistled, causing Aria to giggle. "So possessive, mate? You need to loosen up."

I rolled my eyes and turned to Raye. "Truth or dare?" She drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. "Dare," she said finally, glancing over at Remus quickly. I thought. "Okay. I dare you to kiss Remus. For ten seconds, at least."

Raye went bright red. I didn't know Remus all that well, but he looked fairly flustered. She turned to him, biting her lip, and gently pressed her mouth against his. He stiffened, but didn't move away, instead lowering his hand to rest it hesitantly on her waist. She pulled away after a little more than ten seconds, her face flushed. Remus looked guarded.

Sirius whooped, clapping around Aria, who grinned over at Raye. Raye bent her head forward so that her black hair hid her face from Remus, and looked over at me. "Satisfied?"

"Very." I grinned. She rolled her eyes, still embarrassed. "Sirius, truth or dare?" Sirius leaned back in the chair. "Truth," he said, surprising us all.

"Fine. Who in this group would you be most likely to date?" She asked, grinning evilly at Aria, who scowled back. Sirius brightened immediately. "James!" He sang out, pretending to swoon, and we all burst out laughing. "I've been head over heels since the first sight . . . His searing hazel eyes . . . His perfectly mussed black hair . . ."

Potter recoiled, shaking his head vigorously, but I was laughing so hard I couldn't muster any sympathy. "Oh, no. You may be my best mate, but I'm not gay!" Sirius looked hurt. "Jamesie, I thought you loved me!" He lamented, more dramatic than any play I'd been to. He stretched his arms out pleadingly. "But you told me last night . . ."

"Enough!" Potter put his hands up to his ears, blocking out his voice. "Sirius! Even if I _was _gay, I wouldn't go out with you!"

Sirius pretended to brush away a few imaginary tears. "My heart is broken . . ." he lamented. Raye stopped laughing long enough to choke out, "I meant out of the _girls_."

"Oh. Hmm . . . " Sirius looked like he was actually thinking about this. "Well, Sara would probably refuse," Sara smiled slightly. "And after that public display of attention that Raye and Remus just showed us, I can't touch her. Olivia would probably bruise me if I got too close, Lilly's James'-"

"Hey!" I interjected. "I'm not anybody's property!" Sirius shot a smile at me. "But Aria would probably curse me into oblivion if I asked her," he said, pretending to be sad again. "So I won't even try."

Aria rolled her eyes, trying not to look pleased as she smacked his arm. "See?" Sirius whined. "She hates me."

Actually, it was the opposite, I thought, as I watched Aria lean back into his chest, resting her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes. Sirius tightened his grip on her, and I wondered if he felt anything for her himself. Aria deserved to be happy.

We sat in silence for some time, while the fire snapped and crackled. I looked around the room, and my gaze fell on Potter, who was watching the fire dreamily, his cheeks slightly flushed. As I looked, he turned his eyes up and met mine. I was so surprised I didn't even look away. He raised his eyebrows, looking slightly curious and turned away again. I frowned. What was that about? Not even a smirk? A snigger at catching me watching him? A taunt about how I must be deeply in love with him?

I yawned and got to my feet, stretching. "Shall we, then?" I asked Raye, Sara and Aria. They got to their feet, all but Aria. I looked over at her. Her head was nestled into Sirius's neck, her eyes shut, her breathing slow and steady. I smiled at Sirius, who looked half-asleep himself, his hand resting on her back.

"Can you wake her up?" I asked him, gathering my hair behind my ears. He looked down at Aria, whose breath was fanning across his collarbone, and shook his head. "I'll carry her," he mumbled, getting carefully to his feet and cradling her in his arms. He followed her up the stairs of the girls dormitories and into our room, where he placed her gently on her four-poster bed.

"Good night," he said to us, flashing a smile, before going back downstairs.

**A/N- PLEASE READ! i KNOW Sirius can't go up to the girls' dormitories, but it was just too sweet of a moment to let go. Aww . . . Please review? I promise there's more coming soon!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N- yay! I got two reviews so far! What do you say we make it up to ten? The tenth reviewer can pick the prank James will pull off, because I have no clue what it will be! I can't believe I'm resorting to bribery . . . please?**

_Disclaimer- Unfortunately, I do not own Harry Potter. As much as I wish I did. _

Chapter Two

I woke late the next morning, got dressed quickly and hurried downstairs to the Great Hall for breakfast. Olivia was already there, looking slightly exhausted and still repulsed from the night before, chewing on a mouthful of bacon while she perused the Daily Prophet.

"Anything interesting happening?" I asked, sitting down beside her and helping myself to some porridge. Olivia shook her head. "The usual. You-Know-Who's gaining more power, and . . . Merlin!"

"What?" I snatched the paper away from her and scanned it quickly. My heart sank. _Death Eaters Raid Muggle Family_. I read the article quickly. The Muggle family in question had apparently had an ancient wizarding artifact that they were clueless about. The Death Eaters killed all five of them and left the house in ruins.

I shivered. Every time You-Know-Who's followers appeared in the paper, it was always for killing unsuspected people. _What if it's my family next?_ I thought, staring down at the photograph- a glowing green skull with a snake twisting out of its mouth repeatedly over a ruined hovel.

"Lily?" I looked around at Olivia. She was anxious. "Are you okay?"

I nodded and wordlessly handed the paper back. "It's just so horrible," I said, playing with my spoon absentmindedly. "Those people, dead, just because they had something You-Know-Who wanted."

Olivia sighed gustily. "I know," she said, and I knew she was thinking of her grandparents, who had been murdered last year for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. "But who can stop them? None of us could ever stand a chance up against him except for Dumbledore, maybe. But he won't. Maybe he's scared."

I looked up at the long table, focusing on the Headmaster, with his long, flowing white beard and half moon spectacles, talking animatedly to Professor McGonagall, who looked faintly bored. I turned back to Olivia. "He's not scared." I said loyally. "He knows that he could beat You-Know-Who, I'd bet. He's just waiting . . ."

"For what?" Olivia asked, rolling her eyes and taking a sip of tea. "People are _dying _out there."

"It's not his job," I said at once, then blinked. How did I know that? "He's waiting for somebody."

"Who?" Olivia said, sounding annoyed. Again, I didn't know how I knew that, but it felt right. Like someone only I would know could help Dumbledore.

"Look!" Olivia said, changing the subject not very subtly. "The mail's here." I watched the owls drift in through the large windows, their wings spread in an array of brown, white and black variations. Even though I had been at Hogwarts for seven years now, the sight never got old.

To my surprise, a beautiful tawny owl swooped down in front of me, depositing a small envelope. I looked inside and pulled out a piece of parchment.

_Ms. Evans,_ it said.

_ As Head Girl of Hogwarts, your duties will start today to help the first years with their term schedules, and planning for the Halloween dance. You and our Head Boy will have to schedule a time to meet that is convenient for each other. _

_ Most Sincerely,_

_Minerva McGonagall_

I folded the letter and slipped it into my pocket. I had been sent a letter over the summer with a Head Girl badge and a letter of congratulations from Dumbledore. I had been surprised- I didn't think I was well-behaved enough to receive Head Girl status. But the question was, of course, who the Head Boy was. The letter hadn't explained and nobody had announced it at the start of the year feast. I scanned the Gryffindor table, wondering if it could be anybody and spotted Remus with a similar letter in his hands, turning over a Head Boy badge.

"I knew it!" I said excitedly to him. "Me too, Remus! We'll have to meet this afternoon-"

"No," Remus said quickly, looking slightly alarmed and pushing the badge into Potter's hand. "It's James, not me."

"It- what?"

"James is Head boy, not me."

"_Potter?_" I said, my jaw dropping. "But . . . are you sure? I mean-" Potter turned to look at me defiantly. "Problems, Evans?"

"_You're _Head Boy? But I thought . . ." Potter smirked. "Didn't think I was clever enough to get the badge? Or not well-behaved enough? Well . . . You'll see, Evans. We're meeting at two, in the abandoned classroom by the Charms corridor."

And with that, he strode out of the Hall, leaving me staring after him in horror.

*

Classes started again that morning, as they always do. I found myself in History of Magic after breakfast, staring vaguely at Professor Binns as he droned on and on. Honestly, I wasn't sure how I had made good enough marks to continue in the NEWT level of this class, and not at all positive I wanted to be here. Next to me, Aria was sitting, resting her cheek on her hand and drawing a grey and white wolf on a scrap of parchment. I watched as she scratched her quill idly, adding black fur around its neck and on its back. I marveled at how she made the two dimensional drawing look like it could spring to life and run off of the paper. If only I could draw that well.

As the bell rang outside the classroom in the hallway, Aria slipped her drawing into her unopened textbook and got to her feet. She followed me out the door, as Professor Binns bid us farewell and drifted witlessly through the chalkboard.

"Stop!" Aria's shout made me look around behind me, to where Sirius had crept up behind her and snatched the drawing out of her textbook from where it was sticking out.

"What do we have here?" Sirius asked, grinning at us. "Notes being passed during class? You know, Lily, I thought you were a prefect. Isn't this a bit of rule-breaking?"  
I rolled my eyes as he unfolded the parchment, his smile fading to a look of shock. "Did you draw this?" He asked Aria, tearing his gaze from the drawing. She nodded, holding her hand out weakly. "Give it back."

"Remus!" Sirius turned and called to the pale figure behind him. Remus turned, looking from Sirius to us as he made his way over to his side. "What's wrong?"

"Look what Jones drew," Sirius said, brandishing the drawing. Remus took it, and he slowly turned paler. "How did she . . ."

"Isn't it amazing? Looks like a wolf I know." Sirius chuckled. Remus looked abruptly angry, and thrust the paper back into Aria's hand. "Shut up, Sirius," he snarled, turning around and storming away.

"What was that about?" Aria asked Sirius, tucking the drawing safely into her book again. He shook his head. "He's just being Remus." He said unconvincingly. "I'd better go find him. Very good drawing, though. You should look into lessons, or something." He flashed us a smile that looked slightly less cheerful than usual, before stuffing his hands into his pockets and striding away nonchalantly.

Aria turned to me. "What is happening to the males of this school?" She asked, as we separated to go to our classes. I couldn't answer for my life.

*

Every student was in Potions, settled into their seats by the time I arrived. I blushed as all the eyes turned to me, and hurried to take the only empty seat, next to Sara, the new girl in our dormitory. Unfortunately, this meant that I was directly in front of James Potter, who was sitting next to Remus. Remus seemed to be slightly calmer than when I last saw him, but I couldn't help being wary anyway.

"Miss Evans!" Slughorn beamed jovially from the front of the class, where he had been standing, waiting for me to take a seat. "Welcome back to Potions! I'm so glad you decided to keep up with my class, an expert Potions maker like yourself?"

I nodded, sinking slightly lower in my seat and turning bright red. Next to me, Sara looked sympathetic, but amused. Slughorn then turned to address the entire class, spreading his arms wide in welcome. "I'm so glad _all _of you decided to stay in this class! And this will be the most difficult year of the other six. Your N.E. are approaching at the end of the year, and your grades will affect which jobs you will get. So if you haven't put all of your effort into the other classes, this is the year to impress me!" His twinkling gaze swept the classroom, resting fondly on me. "Today, you will be making the Drought of Living Death. Or attempting to, anyway. I know it's a bit more difficult than anything else you've done so far, but we need to push you forward. Instructions are on page twenty-five, and you can find all the ingredients you will need in the store cupboards. Fifty points to the team with the best potion!"

I pulled out my new Potions book, thumbing through the pages until I found page twenty-five. I skimmed down the instructions. It looked incredibly complicated, but not impossible. I drew my wand out of my pocket and flicked my wrist- a fire erupted underneath our pewter cauldron. Sara was already going to get the ingredients at the supply cabinets. I waited until she came back, dropping an armful of things onto our table.

"So how was your first day of classes?" I asked Sara conversationally as I began to chop up doxy hearts. She wrinkled her nose. "I think Binns needs to retire," she said, dumping in the pieces I had cut. "He can't teach for his life . . . wait a minute . . ."

I chuckled. "But if Dumbledore fired him, he'd probably be so surprised he'd die again." We laughed, and Slughorn clapped his hands again. "Less talking, more working," he said cheerfully, pointed toward Sara and I.

We got to work. I took a handful of beetle wings, smashed them and dumped the scraps in. Sara added two cups of a dark red liquid that looked suspiciously like dragon's blood, and stirred it counterclockwise. It turned a maroon color, exactly what the book requested. I smiled. This would be easy.

But at the end of the class, with five minutes left to spare, I was regretting my thoughts. Somehow, we had managed to ruin our potion- it was now a bright magenta color, instead of the pale blue it was supposed to be, and was curdling at the bottom of the cauldron, giving off a smell of bad milk and rotting eggs.

"What did we do?" Sara asked in a hushed voice, as we backed up from our table. I clapped my hand over my nose as a particularly foul wave of the stench washed over me, and flicked my wand. I breathed in happily. Now the air around us smelled of cinnamon and pine, two of my favorite scents. Sara coughed.

"Times up!" Slughorn called from the front of the classroom. "Let's see what we have now." He made his way slowly around the classroom, stooping to peer into cauldrons, sniff the contents, his expression unreadable. Eventually, he came to our table, and his thick eyebrows contracted over the bridge of his red nose. "What happened here?" he said in shock. I blushed. Perhaps it was silly, but I had always been one of the best potion makers in the class, and this was a bad start to the year. Oh well, I reassured myself. It was bound to get easier after this, and it wasn't necessary to have an Outstanding in Potions anyway.

"I think we didn't put in enough porcupine quills, sir," Sara said innocently, clasping her hands under the table. He shook his head. "You did something wrong, all right." He flicked his wand, and the concoction disappeared into thin air. I breathed a sigh of relief. He walked down to Potter's table, shaking his head exasperatingly. But when he saw Potter and Remus's potion, his jaw dropped. I smirked. Theirs must be really bad to get this kind of a reaction from him.

"I don't believe it," he breathed, and my smile grew wider. But, "This is the finest example of this potion that I ever saw," he said in wonder, and my face dropped. "And on the first day, too! I can't believe it! Fifty points to Gryffindor! Well done, boys!"

He made his way back to his desk, humming happily, not bothering to check anybody else's potions. I stared at Potter, who was stuffing his textbook into his bag while Remus vanished the potion.

"How did you do that?" I asked, when it was clear he wasn't going to say anything. He looked up at me. "I guess it's because Remus is helping you."

Potter looked at Remus with amusement. Remus stared at me. "Actually, I'm one of the worst potion makers in this class. I couldn't make that potion if I tried to. Lucky I have James for a partner, I think."

I gaped, turning back to Potter, who now looked thoroughly amused. "But . . ."

"Some of us read the instructions," he said, though not unkindly, smiling slightly. "And you put in too many doxy hearts, not porcupine quills, like you thought," he now directed at Sara, before swinging his bag over his shoulder and walking out, leaving me staring after him in shock for the second time that day. Aria's words echoed around my head. What _was _happening to all the males in this school?

*

I sat in the armchair by the fire, across from Raye and Aria. Olivia's cat, Rosie, was stretched out in my lap, purring contentedly as I scratched her behind the ears. I wiggled my socked feet happily. The first day of classes was finished, and now all I could do was relax.

"Lily," Raye said, looking up from her parchment. "Don't you have that meeting with James at five? That's in five minutes."

I groaned. I had forgotten all about it, although I had been pondering about how strange he had been acting lately. "Ugh. Do you think I can skip it?"

Aria rolled her eyes, scratching something out on her paper with her quill pen. "Come on, Lily. It can't be that bad. It's purely business. And if he pesters you, just ignore him."

"Hit him," Raye suggested cheerfully, pushing a lock of her short black hair behind her ear.. "If he tries anything, just slug him in the gut. That should set him straight. But, Lily . . . I think he's changed. He's more serious. Not as much of a prat as he used to be. You should give him a chance." I made a face at her. "I wouldn't go out with James Potter even if he got a lobotomy," I declared. She looked puzzled. "A what?" I shook my head. "It's a Muggle expression. Never mind."

"I meant that you should at least be friendly to him. You two could get along if you tried to." She raised her eyebrows at me, seeming to know I wasn't going to promise her anything, and went back to her parchment. I grimaced, and looked over at what Raye was writing- a series of black inked characters in rows that I couldn't decipher. Raye's parents were from China, but had moved to England when she was a baby. They still spoke Chinese at their home, I knew, but they had learned English pretty well. Raye had the characteristic straight, shiny black hair, tanned skin, and pretty almond-shaped eyes.

Aria, on the other hand, had long light brown, almost blond, hair that fell in waves to her waist, golden skin and freckles, and large deep blue eyes framed with dark lashes. I didn't think it was fair that all my friends had to be so much prettier than I was, but I didn't complain.

"Do you think I can ask McGonagall if she'll take away the badge and give it to some other poor girl?" I wondered allowed. Aria threw down her quill. "Lily! You've been wanting to be Head Girl since you first came here, and you saw all those shiny badges! Don't let James Potter stop you in the way of success."

I pondered this. "You're right," I said. But, unable to help myself, I turned to Raye. "Will you take my place, please? If you take polyjuice potion, you can probably pass as me, and nobody will know the diff-"

"Lily!" Aria barked, half amused, half exasperated. "Just go!"

I pouted. "You don't want me here?"

"Not if all you're going to talk about it James." I blushed. "That wasn't what I was talking about-" I protested weakly, but she shook her head and pointed to the door. I scowled and stomped out the portrait hole, fighting the desire to laugh.

I made my way down the hall, down a flight of marble stairs, and across that hall until I came to the Charms classroom. There were a multitude of abandoned classrooms surrounding it, and I went into each one, peering around, before I saw, in the last classroom, a tousled, black-haired head leaning against the chair. I took a deep breath. I could do this. I would be civil, and purely business like. No talk about any sort of history.

"Lily," Potter said, getting to his feet and yawning. "I thought you weren't coming." I crossed my arms against my chest. "I didn't really want to," I admitted. "But my friends forced me to."

He bit back a smile and sat down at a table of desks, patting the one across from him for me to sit at. I sat, my whole body tense. He rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to jump you. Relax." I slouched back in the seat. "I can't relax. Do you know how many times you've assaulted me in the past few years? I could sue you for sexual harassment."

"Sue me?"

I sighed. Another Muggle term he wouldn't understand. I seemed to be using them a lot lately. "Never mind," I grumbled, pulling a piece of parchment, quill and ink pot out of my bag. I stuck the quill into the ink, and hovered it over the paper, poised to write. "So what are we supposed to be doing?"

He smiled swiftly, adopting a lofty tone. "Well, well, well, Miss Evans. Not very responsible of you, is it? And you call yourself a Head Girl?"

"Shut up," I muttered. He grinned. "We're planning the Halloween dance," he said, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms behind his head. I scrunched my eyebrows together. "Okay. What should we do?"

"Well, we should have a costume competition. It's sort of a tradition now."

"It is?"

He looked surprised. "You've never been to one?" He asked curiously. "Have you even been to the dance?" I shook my head. He raised his eyebrows"What rock have you been hiding under? It happens every year. Are you seriously telling me nobody's ever asked you to one?"

I flushed. Now I was entering my forbidden territory. "I seem to remember you begging me to go with you every year." He looked away, slightly embarrassed, before bringing his gaze back to mine, grinning. "I still can't believe you never accepted." He pressed his hand to his heart, looking hurt. I rolled my eyes. "I'm sorry, though." I stared at him, bewildered. James Potter, apologizing for being a pest? I nodded. "It's okay," I mumbled looking back at the paper. "What kind of music should we have? I'm not really sure what's popular now. The Weird Sisters?"

He wrinkled his nose. "Am I the only one that hates them?"

I laughed. "No, actually. I can't stand their music. All my friends think it's my weak point, and that they would disown me as their friend if I didn't help them with their homework." He laughed too, seeming to appreciate my attempt at joking, or at least just humoring me. "So what does the great James Potter like to listen to, then?" I asked sarcastically.

"I like Muggle songs," he said, looking awkward. I leaned forward, interested. "Which artists? I should know them."

I could have sworn he was blushing. He looked away. "Well, I like the Beatles." he cleared his throat. "And Billy Joel. I have a few good songs of his that I like to play."

"Play on what?"

He _was_ blushing! God- when he blushed, it was redder than mine- with my Irish red hair and fair skin. He glanced at me, squirming in his seat. "The piano." It was barely audible- I had to lean forward to hear him. "My aunt gave it to me when I was five, from her Muggle relations office, and my parents made me take lessons with some old Muggle bat. It's kind of dorky . . . But I really like it." he said defiantly, wincing slightly at my startled expression. "No . . ." I hastened to reassure him. "No! Actually, I think that's really cool."

I looked away. Now he wasn't the only one embarrassed. I'd never imagined Potter was musical, but it somehow seemed to fit. Perhaps he wasn't as shallow as I thought. I cleared my throat. "So, um, the ghosts usually do the reenactments of their own deaths, right? So that should be enough entertainment for a little bit after dinner. Maybe we can ask the school chorus to perform."

He nodded, grateful that we had changed the subject. We continued planning the dance, and I became more and more surprised. Potter wasn't quite as bad as I'd originally thought he was. He actually contributed many useful ideas, and I found myself laughing at some of the things he had to say. When the sky outside the window grew steadily darker, I looked down at my watch, and received a shock. We were fifteen minutes past when we said the meeting would be over. I jumped up. "We should go," I said, tucking my hands into my pockets. He seemed to be staring at me. "What?"

He smirked. "I like the outfit." I looked down, and blushed again. I was wearing my relaxing clothes- a big, grungy sweatshirt, baggy sweatpants, and green socks embroidered with snitches- a Christmas present from Aria, one of the Chasers on the team- a few years ago. "Shut up," I said, not really serious. "At least it's comfortable."

"I like the socks," he offered, and I remembered that he was Seeker on the Quidditch team. I grinned and wiggled my toes at him, before tucking the parchment into my pocket, waving good bye, and disappearing out the door, leaving James behind.

When I pushed open the portrait hole, I saw Aria, Raye, and Olivia waiting for me by the fireplace. As I got closer to them, Olivia turned, and raised her eyebrows.

"Where have you been, young lady?" She asked, pretending to be a questioning mother. "You were supposed to be here twenty minutes ago."

"Sorry." I grinned at her. "We got caught up in planning." Aria looked around, smiling suggestively. "Planning? Then why do you seem so happy, Lil? You're usually stressed out after spending any time with James. What really happened?"

I rolled my eyes. "Nothing! We just talked. Sorry I was late." I plunked down onto the couch next to Olivia, and her cat climbed onto my lap again, as though nothing had happened. But something certainly had.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N- Thank you so much to all my lovely reviewers! The count of reviews currently stands at four. The bribery from last chapter still stands, if you want to make my day and review . . .**

**Disclaimer- I'm nowhere near capable of creating the masterpieces that are the seven Harry Potter books, therefore, they are not mine. **_**Comprenez-vous?**___

Chapter Four

The next morning, while I was in Charms, the first Charms class of the year, sitting at my usual table, waiting for Raye to show up and sit next to me, who should sit down beside me but Nathaniel Hendricks, a fellow seventh year. He smiled at me, slinging his book bag over the desk and pulling out his textbooks. I glanced over my shoulder as Raye entered, stopping in her tracks as she saw my seatmate. I shrugged at her, and she, grinning slightly, turned to sit next to Olivia across the room from us.

"Good morning, Lily," Hendricks said, stacking his books neatly in front of him and turning to me. I smiled vaguely. "Hi, Nathaniel."

"Nate," he corrected. "Nate," I amended, grinning back. "How was your summer?"

Nate shrugged. "Not good," he said, his smile fading. "My mother was killed by the Death Eaters just before I got here."

I bit my lip. "I'm so sorry," I said earnestly, trying to convey that. "How did it happen?"

He made a move as though steeling himself. "She was k-killed when she was leaving the Ministry to apparate home. She was one of the supervisors of the Aurors, and had information about what the Ministry was trying to do to stop You-Know-Who."

"That's awful," I said quietly. "Is there anything . . ." He shook his head, and smiled at me. "No, I'm fine. Thanks, though, Lily." I smiled back, feeling slightly bemused. Nate wasn't as popular as Black, perhaps, but he certainly was good looking, tall and lean, with longish brown hair and a cheerful smile.. I couldn't imagine why he was sitting next to me.

Thankfully, Professor Flitwick took over the class as Nate and I sat there in silence. I listened as he described the charms we would be learning that class, and showing us how to do them. I took my wand out as he let us try them on our own, and brandished it uncomfortably in front of me. I hadn't done a charm since last year, and was sure my abilities would be shaky. Sure enough, as I waved it vaguely in the air in front of me, there was a cold breeze, and snow began to fall from thin air, landing, of course, only on me.

Nate started laughing as I attempted to stop it, finally waving his wand at the ceiling, and the white flakes vanished. He reached over and brushed a few snowflakes off of my shoulder. His touch was warm. "Thanks," I said breathlessly. "I guess I need some practice." "No problem," he said, still amused. "You're the best in the class, Lily, so it must be a really hard charm."

"You try it then," I said, doubtfully. He looked at me skeptically, then raised his wand and did some complex wrist movement, causing a shower of shooting stars to burst from the tip of his wand, exactly what we were supposed to be doing.

"Very good, Mr. Hendricks!" Tiny Professor Flitwick squeaked from his perch on a stack of cushions on his seat, where he could survey the class. "Did you see that, everybody? That was perfect!" I coughed into my fist to hide my amused laughter, and Nate looked slightly abashed. "Well . . ."

"I just think you're better than I am at Charms," I told him. He shook his head emphatically. "No- you just haven't practiced all summer like I have," he said confident in his theory. "You'll be fine after a few classes."

"You practiced during the summer?" I asked curiously. "But how can you? You're not seventeen yet . . ."

"Actually, my birthday's September first," he explained. "So maybe not all summer, but I spent all my free time studying up on my textbooks." He smiled, looking faintly embarrassed. "My mum wanted me to get a good job."

I felt a sinking sadness when he said that, and rested my hand on his arm sympathetically, before drawing the offending appendage away quickly. "Happy birthday," I said instead. "Even though it's a little late."

"Thanks," he smiled down at me. "Now, shall we work on your wand movement?" He took my hand, and acted out the wrist movement, his large hand closed over mine.

By the end of the class, I had actually succeeded in creating a shower of shooting stars, mine a pretty emerald green color, that floated down on our heads, burning out in my hair. I laughed delightedly, and gave Nate a high-five, who looked proud of me. Yet as I was smiling, my eyes found themselves drawn almost inexplicably to James Potter, who was sitting a couple of rows in front of me, on the other side of the room, and who was also turned around, watching us. He continued watching me even when I was staring at him, and looked slightly put-out over something. Was it because of Nate? I shook the thought away from my head. Nate and I were just friendly, and James didn't really care about me like that. He just thought he did.

*

I walked down to lunch after Charms, where I walked over to Aria, Raye and Olivia, who bombarded me at once. "Lily!" Aria shrieked, pulling my arm down so that I fell down on the bench. "What was going on with Nate?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked, purposely ignoring them, and reaching over for an orange from a bowl of fruit in the middle of the table.

She made an impatient noise. "You know what I'm talking about! Why did he sit with you?"

"Why were you two flirting so much?" Raye piped in. "You liked him before," Olivia pointed out. I blushed. I had had a crush on him in third year, which had ended abruptly when he had asked Aria to go to Hogsmeade with him, but I imagined now that it wouldn't be hard to like him again if he gave me a reason to.

"I don't know," I admitted, digging my nails into the peel of the orange and picking off a large chunk, letting the tart aroma make its way to my nose. "He's Nate. Who can explain him?"  
Aria and Olivia looked at each other, and I blushed again. "Shut up," I snapped, as Olivia opened her mouth. "We're just friends. Or friendly, I guess. Nothing like that. God knows he wouldn't like me like that."

Raye looked incredulous. "Lily, I'm not sure how you see yourself, but-"

"Lily!" I looked up to see Sirius Black, hovering over me with a cheerful smile on his face. He swiped a wedge of orange and popped it into his mouth. "I need help. I need serious help."

"Yes you do," I agreed. "But with your thieving tendencies," I guarded my orange as he tried to take another piece. He rolled his eyes. "Sharing is caring," he quipped. "No- I need you to teach me that spell from Charms class. I can't do it for the life of me."

"Well . . ." I said, my mind thinking quickly. "I just learned at the end of class, but maybe Aria can help you. She's brilliant at Charms."

Sirius turned to Aria, shooting her a disarming smile. She blinked at him, then me, not noticing when he stole half of her sandwich still on her plate.

"I guess I could," she said slowly, looking up at him. "Hey! That's my sandwich!"

"And it's delicious," he amended, popping the last bit in, and wiping his mouth on his sleeve. "How about at tomorrow's study period?" She nodded, looking slightly dazed, and he left, walking down the table to where James, Remus and Peter were eating their lunch.

Aria turned to glare accusingly at me. "Thanks," she said acidly, taking a bite out of what was left of her sandwich. I smiled happily at her. Lily Evans, bringing joy and love into the lives of her friends. Yeah, right.

**A/N- Sorry it's not very long- just a filler.**

**Review? Please?**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N- Oh my gosh! I didn't expect that many reviews! THANK YOU to all who actually took a small amount of time to make my day :)**

**Rider Arya Svit-kona-Yay! You were the tenth reviewer! (and the first!) My bribe still stands, so either tell me your idea for James's prank, or politely decline. Thanks :) **

Chapter Five

I soon fell into a routine- getting up early, fixing with my hair and makeup, getting down to the Common Room before anybody to finish my homework, and going to breakfast with my friends once they woke up. Classes were at different times, but I gradually grew used to the rhythm of them, and began learning more complex and intricate spells.

And then, every Tuesday, I had Head Girl duties with James and all the fifth year prefects. The Halloween dance plans were nearly finished, and the students all over the school were settling down, and not needing as much help as they had that first week.

Two weeks passed without anything much happening, and Halloween was gradually creeping up on us all. Aria was excited about it- she had been asked by Ethan Hale- another seventh year- who was handsome and popular both. I think she was more excited about getting her makeup done and dressed up than actually dancing with him, but I wasn't going to dampen her spirits.

The rest of us girls were far too disorganized to even think that far ahead, and decided to leave that to Aria. As for me, I was somewhat dreading the dance- I knew James would be first to ask me to go with him, and to be honest, I didn't really want to. We weren't exactly friends, but we were a lot friendlier than we had been last year at this time, and I didn't want to complicate things with talk of romance. It made my stomach twist whenever I thought about it. I decided that by the time he asked me, I'd either have a different date or be dreadfully 'sick' that night.

Mum and Dad owled me when I was settled down, telling us the family news. Apparently Petunia now had a boyfriend. I snorted when I read this- Petunia couldn't attract guys if she used a love potion. But the picture of the two together explained things- Vernon Dursley was the most unattractive man I'd ever seen- roughly the size of a killer whale, with a straggly, just-growing-in mustache, and a red, pudgy face. I shouldn't have judged people on looks, but I'd be damned if he was a kind man. I passed the photograph between my friends, and we snickered over it for the rest of breakfast.

Other than that, nothing interesting had happened at home. Mum had started work again, which was big for her, and was now working as a nurse at the local hospital that I had visited all too many times when I was young. They both missed me, and insisted that Petunia did too, but I knew they were just trying to make me feel better.

School lessons took a bit of extra work to get myself back into the place I had been last year, but with some studying time, I managed to improve myself with my spells and essays. In fact, I was at the head of every class, not that I bragged about it, except Defense Against the Dark Arts, where James, Sirius, and Remus over-shone me, no matter how much I studied. Not that I complained.

The only subject I truly detested was Divination. Honestly, I didn't know why I had decided to take that class for another year- all my friends had dropped it after O.W.L.s. The only way I had managed to succeed in this class was making things up when I gazed into the crystal ball, or the tea cup, or my partner's palm.

One Monday afternoon, after leaving a very hectic Care of Magical Creatures lesson, where the krubs had somehow managed to escape their pen and were terrorizing all the students, I made my way up to North Tower somewhat reluctantly. The next chance I had, I was going to leave the subject. The usual grouping of students stood by the circular trap door leading up, waiting for Professor Cassandra Trelawney to lower the ladder.

What I had realized, after a few classes, was that I didn't have anybody to talk with in this class- another reason why I didn't want to stay in here. Aria, Olivia, Raye, and Sara were all taking different classes right now- Muggle Studies, Arithmancy and Ancient Runes. I heaved a sigh. I would have to start making friends again, which I hadn't had to do, thankfully, since first year. I wasn't _bad _at making friends, I just preferred not to. I didn't like change much.

The ladder suddenly dropped, interrupting my from my reverie, and everybody began climbing up the silver rope rungs, the flimsy ladder swaying ominously. I winced as I stepped onto it, trying not to look down at the ground and face my fear of heights.

The classroom was dimly lit when I hoisted myself out of the door, brushing the dust off of my robes. Professor Trelawney had been here for ages, and looked as if one gust of wind would tip her over. I wasn't surprised to have heard, from some unknown source, that she was retiring at the end of the year, but she had yet to confirm it.

I took a seat at the back of the class, as usual, where my face would be in shadows so she wouldn't call on me, and took out my textbook, laying it on the desk in front of me, and bowing my head until my forehead pressed against the cool leather. How I wished I wasn't here . . .

To my surprise, I heard a squeaking noise, the sound of the chair next to mine being pulled out, and somebody sitting down in it, rummaging around in their bag and taking out the essential supplies. I turned my head slightly to peer through the curtain of my hair at who it was. James Potter.

I straightened up. "What are you doing?" I asked peevishly, pushing back my hair from my forehead. The air was thick and heavy, and seemed to press down on me with the sickly sweet scent of incense and tea leaves. He looked surprised. "Am I not allowed to sit with you?" He asked, all too innocently.

I narrowed my eyes. He seemed to understand, and gestured around. "Do you see any of my friends in this room? There's nobody I can talk to. And judging how you're sitting by yourself . . . I'd guess you're pretty lonely too."

"I wasn't lonely," I retorted. "I was perfectly fine by myself until _you _came along."

He rolled his eyes. "Lily . . . Look, I'm sorry."

"What?"

"I'm sorry," he repeated, enunciating each syllable as if speaking to a mentally impaired. "I . . . I know I was a bit of an . . . arrogant bastard to you the past, er, six years, and I want to apologize."

"_Why?_"

James grimaced. "Well, I really do want to be friends. Nothing more," he added quickly, seeing my suspicious look. "I'm not so, ahem, conceited anymore, and I think we could be friends." Noticing that I still looked slightly uneasy, he sighed. "Lily, I honestly don't like you like that anymore. I might've . . . once . . . but than it became a habit to irritate you." He grinned suddenly, lopsidedly, his eyes twinkling. "So, I just want to say I'm sorry."

"Who are you and what have you done with James Potter?" I demanded, shocked. Had somebody taken Polyjuice potion to try and masquerade as him? But why would somebody do that? He looked irritated. "I'm serious, Lily," he said heavily. I thought about making the, 'no you're not, you're James,' joke, but figured he had heard it far too many times.

"All right," I said, still wary, but willing to accept the fact that he wouldn't be bugging me anymore, if he meant it. "Um . . . thanks."

He smiled and nodded, and I was glad when Professor Trelawney clapped her hands for attention at the front of the class. I had to fight back my smile when I saw her, even though I'd been looking at her for about five years. She was completely ridiculous, but was under the impression that she was incredibly serious and cool, and frankly, that was more funny than if she had known. With her huge eyes, her curly brown hair, and thin, enunciated face, she looked like some sort of giant insect, her jewelry glimmering in the dim firelight.

"Today," she said in her slightly dazed voice. "We will be reading tarot cards." She waved her wand, and a deck of cards soared through the air to her, popping out of their packaging and landing neatly in her hand. She displayed them, spreading them into a fan shape and waving them wildly. "If you will look on in your text book, on page 14, there is an explanation and a diagram. Please write this and take note of it- you'll be reading your partner's futures."

I grimaced and glanced over at James, who looked no more happy. With a flick of her wand, Professor Trelawney sent twelve new decks of cards soaring through the air, one landing on each desk. I sighed, grabbing the deck and slitting it open, shuffling the cards inside- a Muggle trick I had learned from my dad. James watched the cards fly, looking impressed, but didn't say anything. I looked at the diagram. "Okay, so I'll read your past, present, and future," I said awkwardly, spreading the cards out in front of him. He picked three, and arranged them face down on the table in front of me.

I flipped over the first one. It showed a bright yellow background, and four long sticks of wood standing up on the ground, strung with ivy and flowers, a red-roofed, white castle in the background. Two figures, dressed in flowing white togas and scarves held flowers aloft, a small fathering of people behind them.

I looked at the number on the card, then at the book. "This is the . . . four of wands . . . let's see . . . it means you lived in the country, with harmony and prosperity." I looked up doubtfully, but he shrugged. "I do live in the country," he admitted. I made a skeptical face and flipped over the next card. I felt my face flush. It showed two naked figures- male and female, on either side of the card, gazing at each other while some sort of creature, from the waist up, showed over swirls of cloud, with yellow skin, red and green hair, and red wings spread. A sun with long rays shone behind the creature, and trees grew behind each figure. I busied myself in the book.

"This is the lovers card," I said awkwardly. "It means attraction, love, and beauty." I glanced up at James. "Looks like you'll fall in love," I teased him. He had a strange expression on his face, and muttered something that I couldn't quite hear. "Sorry? I didn't catch that."

"Nothing," he mumbled, flushing slightly. "What's the next one?"

I flipped over the last card. The main focus point was a large golden sun, the profile of a woman on half of it, shining down on a lake. Splitting the water in two was a grassy knoll. A brown dog and a yellow wolf faced each other, barking at the sun, a golden stream flowing in between them. A maroon crayfish was attempting to crawl up onto the land from the rippling, bright blue water.

"This is the moon," I said ironically, scanning the book. It definitely looked like a sun to me. "It means . . ." I sucked in a breath, quick. "Hidden enemies," I said softly. "Somebody's going to betray you in your future. Danger, darkness, terror and deception." I looked up at him. He looked slightly nervous. "Should I trust your tarot card reading skills?" He joked, but his bravado wasn't all there. I smiled slightly and scooped the cards up, depositing them back in the deck.

Luckily, the bell rang before he could read my cards, and I quickly slid my book into my bag, swinging it over my shoulder and escaping from the heavily perfumed room before James could follow me, the heavy air becoming altogether too much. I pressed my hand to my face as I hopped off the rope ladder onto the floor, trying to absorb everything. Could I really trust James to become my friend, and never try anything like he had been doing for the past four years?

**A/N- I'm sorry it took me so long to write this, but I had no idea. Finally, it struck me, and I used it. I know Sybil Trelawney wouldn't be teaching at Hogwarts yet, but I figured that her grandmother might have been the divination professor before her. Besides, Sybil needs someone to get her eccentricity from!**

**REVIEWS = HAPPY AUTHOR**

**HAPPY AUTHOR= MORE CHAPTERS POSTED SOONER**

**please?**

**I use a lot of punctuation in my authors notes, I just realized. Sorry, I'll try and stop shouting. **


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N- Again- thank you so much to all who reviewed, favorited my story, put me on alerts. It gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling, and makes me want to update so much sooner! Does anybody have an idea for James's prank? It's coming up soon.**

Chapter Six

One morning, a few days after that Divination lesson, I was sitting at breakfast, spreading my dry toast with orange marmalade while Olivia read the paper next to me, and Aria chatted away aimlessly. I wasn't really listening- too caught up in my thoughts.

"Lily!" Aria said crossly. "Are you even listening?" I smiled apologetically at her. "Sorry," I said vaguely. "I'm just . . ."

"A million miles away," Raye teased. "So, Aria, are you going to try out for the team tomorrow?"

Aria looked incredulous. "Will James always be obsessed with Lily? What do you _think_?" Raye grinned sheepishly. "I don't know- you might have changed your mind."

"Hey, look at this-" Olivia said, setting the paper down on the table and spreading the pages open, black ink smudging on her fingers. "It says Voldemort was spotted in Albania. What do you reckon he could be doing there?"

We all winced. Olivia's parents were on Dumbledore's side, and agreed with him about saying You-Know-Who's name. We had mostly gotten used to it by now, but it still took us by surprise if she sprung it on us like that.

"Recruiting more followers?" Raye suggested, spooning her oatmeal into her mouth. "I don't know." My attention was diverted by the sound of beating wings, and a moment later a flock of owls soared through the large, sunny windows into the Great Hall, screeching and hooting, dropping parcels and letters throughout the tables. I was surprised when one owl circled my head, dropping a scroll of parchment into my lap, before soaring away. I picked up the scroll, looking at it curiously. Who would be sending me a letter? Mum and Dad had just sent one two days ago- one that was still waiting up in my dormitory for me to respond to.

I pulled the string bow, the parchment springing open, I unrolled it, curling the ends back with my fingers. My friends looked curiously as I scanned the letter's contents, and my heart flipped into my mouth.

_Miss Evans, _

_ We regret to inform you that your mother has been very badly injured by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's followers, and is now residing in the critical care ward of St. Mungo's. There is a very good chance she will not survive, and we suggest you visit as soon as possible. _

The rest of the words blurred before my eyes, and I let the paper fall from my numb fingers. My mind spun rapidly, repeating words from the letter . . . very badly injured . . . critical care . . . will not survive.

And then the waves crashed over me, drowning me in their darkness. I didn't bother to try to keep my head above the surface, and dropped to the floor, crumpling into a ball, my head on my knees. I didn't cry- I was too cold, cold to the bone, and shook, unable to think through the fuzziness in my mind. I heard, dimly, as though underwater, voices shouting my name, people shaking me, trying to get me to respond, but my eyes rolled back in my head, and I fell limp as somebody scooped me up and started hurrying away.

*

The blackness resided eventually, though the numbness stayed, and I opened my eyes blearily to find myself tucked into an unfamiliar bed, in an unfamiliar room. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and looked around, spreading open the hangings to see the unnatural cleanliness of the hospital wing, with its pristine floors and the smell of bleach and medicine hovering in the air.

It took me a moment to realize where I was, why I was alone, and, lastly, what had happened. My eyes immediately filled up with tears, which spilled down my cheeks. I wished the disbelief was back as the salty tears made hot tracks down my cheeks, and I clenched my hands in my hair, leaning my forehead against my folded knees, letting my emotions have control.

I cried and cried, my shoulders shaking, my breath coming out in unsteady gasps, as if I could cry away the pain, as if I could forget. It seemed like my heart had been hollowed out with a melon scooper, and the walls threatened to collapse upon the destroyed parts, leaving me empty and hurting inside.

Why couldn't it have been me? My mother was the most wonderful and kind person I had ever known- looking like me, with her long red hair and pale skin, and even had the same interests I did. I missed her dearly whenever I left for Hogwarts, and she always welcomed me into her house when I came home for the holidays. She was brave, smart and strong. And it was all my fault. If I hadn't been a witch, she would never have been connected with the Wizarding World, and she wouldn't have been targeted by the Death Eaters.

What would my dad do without her? They were more of soulmates than husband and wife, and he always fretted and bumbled around whenever she left for a business trip in my childhood. Petunia would be furious- and this time she would be right in accusing me for her injuries.

A small voice, a flame of hope, flared inside me. Maybe she wasn't dead. Maybe she wouldn't die. Healers could do _magic_, and magic could fix everything, right? But as soon as I thought that, common sense, like a bucket of cold water, doused onto the fire, putting it out more completely than anything else could ever do. If the Healers said she had a very small chance of living, they were right.

Perhaps my sobs weren't as muffled as I had hoped, as the curtains around my bed were suddenly ripped open, revealing me clasping my hand over my mouth, my eyes red and tear-swollen. Aria stood above me, her eyes red as well, looking down at me. Before I could protest, she had jumped onto the bed next to me and gathered me into her arms. I leaned my head on her shoulder, letting my tears soak through the thin fabric of her shirt, my eyelashes glued together with tears.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, stroking my hair. Raye appeared next to her, climbing onto the other side of me, taking my hand and squeezing it tightly between her own, not saying anything, merely handing me a tissue and, seeing I was incapable of moving, blotting the tears away.

"Olivia's at Quidditch practice," Raye informed me, as I looked around for her. I looked up at Aria. "Then what are you doing here?" My voice was thick, and entirely unfamiliar, but I didn't care. She rubbed my shoulder reassuringly. "I ditched," she sounded completely unconcerned. "I told Potter that you needed me right now."

"Why'd you tell James?"

She rolled her eyes. "He's the Quidditch captain," she informed me. "Not unexpected, but its inflated his head a bit." I groaned. Just what I needed- James knew about my mother, and now he wouldn't be leaving me alone about it.

The door swung open, and Professor McGonagall appeared in the room, her pointed-toe boots clicking on the gleaming floors, her long emerald-green robes swishing. "Miss Evans," she said, not unkindly. "We think this would be an appropriate time to visit your mother."

I got to my feet, Aria squeezing my hand, and Raye looking sympathetic. I cleared my throat, and took a hair tie off of my wrist to tie my tangled hair back. McGonagall led me out of the hospital, Madame Pomfrey watching us leave from her office. The corridor outside the wing was empty- all the students in their respective common rooms, and we met nobody as we walked. The swirling staircase to Dumbledore's office spun upward as she said the password and we stepped onto it. The headmaster was waiting for us, his long white hair spilling over his shoulders, his long midnight-blue robes covered in silver symbols.

"Miss Evans," he said at once, coming forward to grasp my hand. "Please accept my condolences. You'll be taking the Floo network to St. Mungo's, and please come back before five." I glanced at the small golden clock above the fireplace. It was four o'clock. I nodded, unable to speak. Dumbledore seemed to realize this, and smiled sympathetically at me, pointing to a small pot of powder on the mantle. I took it, throwing a pinch into the softly dying fire. The flames roared to life, flickering green, and I stepped into it, looking back at Dumbledore and McGonagall over my shoulder as I did so. They were watching me with anxious expressions, though the Headmaster raised a hand and gave a slight wave.

The waves enveloped me, spinning me wildly. "St. Mungo's," I said clearly, or as clear as I could through the ashes and smoke which burned my throat and stung my eyes. Blackness gathered around me, colors blurring and smearing, until I slowed spinning, and stumbled out of another fireplace. This one led out into a large open space, chairs pushed against the walls. People sat in the chairs, waiting, some with strange symptoms. There looked to be a man with a teapot attached to his head, a woman with green spots all over her body, a child with an awful cough.

I walked away from the fireplace, taking in my surroundings, strewing ash over the clean floors. There was a large desk by the front of the room, which I walked toward quickly. A young woman sat before it, a line of people stretched in front of her. I got behind a man who had a nasty gash in his side, tuning out the people droning ahead of me.

The line moved slowly, and eventually I got to the front of it. "I'm looking for Rose Evans," I told the woman at the desk. She looked at me curiously, than scanned a paper in front of her. "Rose Evans . . . ah, yes. Spell damage, fourth floor, the third door on your left." She looked at me sympathetically as I thanked her and headed to the lifts. A small queue of people were already waiting for a lift, and I joined them as a golden gate came into view, and opened shakily, taking my place in the middle of the crowd of people.

The lift jutted upward, and I was jostled from side to side as people got on and off. Finally, the lift stopped at the fourth floor, and I pushed my way past an obviously pregnant woman, out the doors and down the corridor. I hesitated before opening the third door on my left, took a deep breath and pushed it open.

My heart rose into my mouth. There was my mother, in a bed by the far window, covers pulled up to her chin, her red hair somehow less vibrant than usual, her face pale, a long gash across her cheek and eye. Sitting by the bed was my father, and my sister. My father looked up as I walked in, got to his feet and hurried over, enfolding me in his arms. I understood that this was as much to comfort himself as to help me, and I wrapped my arms around his back, burying my face in his shoulder, breathing in his comforting spell as tears pricked toward the surface.

"Is she still . . ." I couldn't finish the sentence. Dad swallowed visibly. "She's not waking up," he said instead. "Maybe . . ." now it was his turn to trail off. I bit back a sob and made my way over to the bed, perching lightly beside my mother and taking her hand in my own. It was cold, and limp.

"What are you doing here?"

I looked around at Petunia. Her horse-like face was pinched, her brows pulled down over her nose, looking entirely unconcerned for our mother. My eyes narrowed. "What do you mean?"

"This was all your fault," she hissed, her eyes flashing menacingly. "You and your friends. Go back to that freak school, _Lily_."  
Her teasing didn't hurt me like it usually did this time. Instead it brought anger to the surface, cold, and calculating. "You think I was friends with those bastards that did that?" I said in a low voice. "You think I want my own _mother _to be like this? How dare you?"

She sneered. "You never visit us," she said snidely. "You don't live with us anymore. She's not your mother. You're not there for her to love and help. I'm there. She loved me more."  
That touched a nerve. I sprung to my feet, but Dad flung out his arm. "Lily," he said in an exhausted voice. "Petunia. Stop it. Do you think your mother wants you fighting like this over her?"

I bit my lip hard to keep from crying. Petunia sniffed, and got to her feet, flouncing out of the ward, slamming the door behind her. I heard an exasperated sigh come from next to me, and walked over to Dad, standing behind him and putting my arms around his neck. "What are you going to do?" I asked, my voice soft. He sighed, his hand coming up to rest on my arm. "I don't know." he admitted. "I don't think she's going to get better. The Healer in charge, Andrews, says that there's a very small chance she'll survive. I- I don't think . . ."

I kissed the top of his head as my throat ached at his incapability to speak. I looked over at Mum. "How did it happen?" I asked.

He sighed. "We were grocery shopping," he explained. "And we were walking home when she saw a group of cloaked figures tormenting a child." I groaned. Mum was the kindest person I'd known, respecting everyone, and it didn't always help her. He nodded, confirming my fears. "She went to his aid," he continued. "And they taunted her, tortured her. I was so afraid . . . I ran forward to help her, I don't know how it could have helped . . . But they did some sort of spell that knocked me backwards, and then they . . . vanished. Just like that. And she wouldn't wake up." He dropped his hands into his face. The tears overflowed in my eyes and ran down my cheeks.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, as his shoulders shook. "I wish . . ."

He nodded. I went to sit in the chair Petunia had just vacated. We sat in silence. Dad's presence comforted me, and we watched Mum's chest rise and fall shakily. I jumped as a loud chiming noise filled the air, and glanced at the grandfather clock perched on the table. It was five o'clock. I got to my feet, kissing Dad's cheek, before rushing out, taking one last glance at my mother behind me, memorizing the gentle slope of her cheek, her rounded nose, her long-lashed eyes closed tight. The lift was, mercifully, empty this time, and I made it down to the waiting room, borrowed a pinch of Floo powder from the woman at the desk, throwing it into the fire and leaving, the spinning, rushing feeling more familiar now.

I tumbled out of Dumbledore's fireplace, spreading ash on his oriental carpet. I got to my feet, dusting my robes off, flicking my wand to get rid of the mess. Dumbledore barely glanced up from what he was writing. "Shut the door behind you," he said absently, as I walked out of his office.

*

I wasn't surprised, the next morning, when another owl flew through the air at breakfast, dropping a letter at my seat. I opened it with trepidation, scanning the letter, long enough to let a few details sink into my brain.

_Your mother died last night . . . Your father had to be given shock potion . . . so sorry . . ._

I crumpled the paper up in my fist. I thought I'd cried out all my grief yesterday, but apparently there were a few tears left, which spilled over my cheeks. It wasn't anything compared to the sobbing of yesterday, but I didn't want anyone to see, so I shoved the paper into my pocket, rushing out of the Great Hall. I crashed into somebody very solid and warm. I fell to the ground, and a hand extended to help me up. I blinked through my tears to see Nate's face, kind and smiling, looking down at me.

"Where have you been?" he was asking. "I haven't seen you . . . Lily, what's wrong?"

I shook my head, reaching into my pocket to draw out the letter. He read it, his brows contracting over the bridge of his nose. "I'm so sorry," he said sincerely. "I had no idea . . ." Before I could even think, he spread his arms and engulfed me in a comforting hug. I gave a few sniffs as my arms came hesitantly around his back, my cheek pressed against his soft sweater. Nate tightened his hold on me, and I sighed, tears leaking through his sweater.

I heard footsteps behind me, and jerked my head around warily. There was James Potter, coming into the school, his robes mud-spattered, his hair wind-swept, a broom clutched in his hand, staring at us. He nodded slightly when he saw both of us watching him, and turned to walk up the marble staircase, his feet falling harder than strictly necessary.

I bit my lip, trying to hold back the unreasonable feeling of guilt. Who cared what Potter thought, anyway?

**A/N- I really don't like sad chapters. What do you guys think of Nate? Who do you reckon carried her up to the Hospital Wing? Please review! **


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N- I was listening to the radio, and I heard this song. I thought it worked with this story- it even has the title in it! I don't think the songwriters were writing it exactly about my story situations, but it works, if you take the falling to mean, falling in love. :) **

**Wait for me, I'm falling  
Caught inside my mind  
See the darkness coming  
Stay with me for a while **

**-Enemy Chorus, The Earlies**

**Also- thanks to all of those who reviewed with your opinions. I never expected to get ten reviews, let alone twenty! I know you like James more than Nate- so do I, although it's close! But James is a bit confused at the moment, and needs some time to straighten things out with Lily. **

Chapter Seven

The shock of losing Mum stayed with me. It was like losing an arm or leg- something you were entirely depended on, and took for granted that it would always be there. I found myself thinking about it in shock, remembering in the middle of the night that she was no longer there. She was like the glue that held my family together, and without her, I didn't think we could ever be the same.

My friends were great about it. They didn't talk about her when they could tell that I didn't want them to, instead chatted and gossiped about all the little problems in Hogwarts. But whenever I wanted somebody to vent to, they were always there for me, kind and sympathetic, willing to just listen.

The teachers, and fellow students, seemed to be wary of me, as though I was a bomb about to blow. It would have made me laugh, if it hadn't been so completely not funny. The only person who acted like nothing had happened was Sirius Black, who continued teasing me mercilessly. Even James Potter seemed more aware of my feelings- I caught him studying me, looking slightly nervous, as though I would burst into tears.

Not everyone was so kind, or cautious around me, though. The next day, I was walking down the hallway by the Potions classroom, when I was met with the unpleasant sight of Lucius Malfoy, Avery, Knott, Rosier, and Severus, hovering uncertainly in the background, waiting for me with their arms crossed.

"So, Evans," Malfoy, clearly the ringleader, drawled, sauntering forward to leer at me. his long white-blond hair gleamed in the soft glow from the torchlight, and his pale, pointed face looked excited to have another target. "I heard your mother died yesterday."

I stiffened, wanting to leave with all of my might, but afraid they might follow me. "You heard right, _Malfoy_," I spit at him. He raised a light blond eyebrow maliciously. "Finally got what she deserved, did she?" he said carelessly, glancing around at Rosier and Knott to gauge their expressions, who grinned stupidly back. "The filthy Muggle poking her nose into the Dark Lord's business."

"Shut the hell up," I hissed at him. "She was a better person than you could ever wish to be."

"How sweet," his mouth contorted around the word. "Do you want to be just like your dear old mum when you grow up? A slut?"

I walked up to him, brought my arm around and slapped him, hard across the face, leaving a red hand-print. His eyes bulged, and his hand jumped to his cheek automatically, wincing slightly. "Don't you dare insult my mum," I snapped. He glared at me, then cocked his arm back and punched me across the jaw. I felt a sharp crack, and warm, salty blood filled my mouth as I bit down on my tongue. I stumbled slightly, but remained standing, cradling my jaw with my hand. Malfoy sneered at me. "Don't touch me, Mudblood," he said furiously, and turned to leave, but he didn't get very far.

"Stupefy!" a deep voice bellowed. I spun my head too quickly, rubbed frantically at the crick in my neck, and saw James Potter glaring at Malfoy and his gang, who had all been knocked unconscious to the ground by the severity of his spell. He looked tall and bigger in his anger, his eyes shooting daggers, his jaw clenched. He pushed past the Stunned bodies lying on the ground next to me, shoving his wand into his pocket and offering his hand. I took it warily. He looked murderous, his eyes close to black.

"Are you okay?" It hurt to talk.

He barked a short laugh. "I only Stunned them so that I wouldn't be tempted to get violent," he growled, breathing out through his nose and closing his eyes. After a few deep breaths, he seemed to calm down, and opened his now clear eyes to gaze at me. "I'm sorry, Lily," he said, his voice still dripping in anger. "I don't have a very good temper where you're concerned."

I blushed, of course, and winced as my jaw gave a furious ache. He looked anxious. "Are you all right?" He stepped closer, taking my jaw between his cool fingers, turning it this way and that to examine it. I tried not to wince, but my eyebrows drew together momentarily.

"I think he broke your jaw," he said, the anger seeping back into his voice. I didn't help- turning slightly to the side, I spit out the blood that had been collecting in my mouth, staining the gray stone a rusty red. I saw his fists clench, but he seemed to calm himself. "I'll take you to the hospital wing," he said decisively, leaving no option for me to refuse.

James started off down the hall, me traipsing along behind him, trying to catch up to him and his long legs without much success. We climbed the staircase in silence, and he held the door to the hospital wing open for me, coming inside behind me.

"What happened?" Madame Pomfrey said, from where she was washing the floors with a mop controlled by her wand held in front of her. I looked pleadingly at James, not wanting to speak around my injury. He sighed.

"She broke her jaw," he told her, the strains of the previous minutes still apparent in his voice. Thankfully, he didn't make it sound like it had been the work of a fellow student. Madame Pomfrey clicked her tongue sympathetically, making the mop fly back to the supply closet and coming over to rest it on my chin. She said a few well chosen words, and I felt the bones moving, knitting back together, the muscle mending on top of it. I moved it stiffly until it felt like my jaw again.

"Why don't you wash your mouth out?" She suggested, pointing to a small plastic cup. I took it, flicked my wand while muttering, 'aguamenti', which filled the cup with crystal clear water. I swished it around in my mouth and spit the water out in the sink. It was now tinged pink. My stomach churning uncomfortably, I threw the cup away, turning back to Madame Pomfrey.

"Thank you," I said fervently. James nodded behind her. Madame Pomfrey merely rolled her eyes and gestured us out. "I don't want to see you again, Miss Evans," she called after us. "And you've been visiting us far too much, Mr. Potter."

I looked at him curiously as he walked beside me, his head bowed, his hands stuffed into his pockets. "When were you here?" I asked, as we started down the staircase. He glanced at me swiftly, then looked away.

"I brought you up to the wing yesterday," he said awkwardly. "When you . . ." he didn't finish the sentence. I flushed. I knew what he was thinking. When I collapsed after getting the letter.

"Well, thanks," I told him, trying to inject my sincerity into that simple word. "I'm sorry I . . . did that." I could imagine it, James watching me slowly crumple to the ground, leaping up from his bench to shake me, trying to get me to wake up, then picking me up to rush me away. how humiliating.

He dismissed this. "It was your mother," he said simply. "I can't imagine what I would do if I got a letter like that, but it wouldn't be pretty." We laughed together, and he had momentarily succeeded in cheering me up. I sighed heavily, thinking of my mother and all the things we had done together in my childhood. And without warning, my tears were back. I could have screamed with frustration- of all the moments to cry- when I was with James Potter, who would tease me mercilessly about it. I tried to hide it from him, but I guess I didn't do a good job with it. In an instant he had stopped walking, turning around to face me, his hazel eyes staring into mine.

"Ah, don't cry," he groaned. "Please, please don't cry, Evans, seriously, I'm _hopeless _when women are upset." I wiped my tears off my cheeks, attempting to smile, but it was far too shaky and watery for my liking. He really was incredibly awkward with this situation, and it would have made me laugh if I hadn't been crying so much. He sighed and rummaged around in his pocket, pulling out a handkerchief. "It's clean," he promised, offering it to me. I took it, dabbing at my tears before handing it back.

"Thank you," I said again, sniffling. "I'm sorry . . ."

"It's all right," he said robustly, slinging his arm around my shoulder to hug me briefly, but dropping it before I could fully register what he was doing. I glanced at him curiously. He looked down. "I'm really sorry," he mumbled. "About your mum and everything." I nodded, trying to catch his gaze. "Thanks," I said. "Me too." I sighed heavily, and he finally looked up to meet my eyes.

"That's not all I'm sorry about," he said finally, with a fiber of bitterness in his voice. "I wish I could have been there for you, but I couldn't miss Quidditch practice. I _am_ the cap-"

"I know," I said, annoyance flooding through me instead of gratefulness. It all made sense to me now, and I couldn't believe I had missed this before. "You wanted to be there instead of Nate," I accused. "You were jealous, and now you're saying this to try and suck up to me. You lied, didn't you? You haven't changed at all. I can't believe I thought you had!" I raised my eyebrows at him. He looked confused.

"What?"

"When you said you were over me," I clarified. "You still like me and you don't want any other boy to come within five feet of me! God, James! You don't run my life!"

His jaw clenched. "I'm am," he said, but it didn't sound all too convincing. "I'm not trying to run your life, Lily! Nate's not reliable- you can't always depend on him."

I narrowed my eyes. "How do you know? I don't think you've ever talked to him! You just don't want me to be friends with any guy if it's not you!"

He scowled. "He doesn't just want to be your friend," he remarked snidely. I glared at him. "Can't you just leave me alone?" I yelled, my temper finally getting the better of me. "I don't want you hovering over me, breathing down my neck, telling me to stop whenever I'm doing something without you! You don't control me, and you never have."

He stared at me, anger visible in his large hazel eyes. "I'm not trying to control you," he snapped again. "If you don't want to see me again-"

"I don't!" I yelled in frustration.

"Then I get the hint! I won't come near you again. If that's what you _want_." He got to his feet, stuffing his hands angrily into his pockets and striding away, his legs leaving me far behind. I glared after him.

I stayed behind, my fists clenched, my jaw still aching from the recently healed injury, still feeling angry. Who the hell did he think he was? He wasn't anything special, and he shouldn't expect anything from me. Sniffing angrily, I turned in the opposite direction, storming away.

*

The library was my safety zone, the natural place I went to for defense. I scanned the shelves, breathing in the familiar, comforting smell of old parchment and dust, picking out one of my favorite relaxing reading books, taking it over to a table in the back of the room and curling up in the uncomfortable chairs, flipping open the cover, taking in the comforting words. I sighed happily.

"Lily?"

I looked around. Remus Lupin was seated at a table near me, his books and papers spread out in front of me. He stacked them up, coming to sit down next to me. I smiled at him. I liked Remus, even though he had the unfortunate disadvantage of being friends with Potter. He smiled back, resting his head on his hand and looking uncharacteristically serious.

"What's up with you and James?" He said abruptly. I frowned, taken aback. "Excuse me?"

"You and James," he repeated. "I asked him where he was this afternoon, and he just said something about helping 'Evans'. He hasn't called you Evans in weeks, and he looked really upset. So, what's going on between you?"

"I fail to see what business it is of yours," I said rudely. He raised an eyebrow. "It _is _my business," he said simply. "James is one of my best friends, and you're my friend too. I want to know why you're mad at each other."

I sighed, and told him all about this afternoon's events, ending with our argument. He listened patiently, a slight crease between his eyebrows.

"Did he do anything to the Slytherins?" he asked, not the response I had been expecting. I frowned. "Just Stunned them," I answered, confused. "Why?"

"James is hard to get mad," he replied. "But . . . God, Lily, you don't want to see him really, truly angry. It's one of the scariest things I've ever seen in my life. The only time I saw him angry was when Malfoy was making fun of you in second year, and I've been terrified of it ever since." He paused politely to wait as I laughed. "I'm not kidding," he said seriously.

"But . . . _Potter?_ He's so cheerful." He nodded, widening his eyes. "Exactly," he said emphatically. "It takes something big to get him angry, but it's catastrophic in the end. I'm impressed that he somehow managed to calm himself, and only Stupefied Malfoy."

I crinkled my eyebrows. It was hard to imagine Potter truly mad, but, given today's events, I'd have said he was a step away from becoming it. I shuddered slightly, remembering his murderous expression. I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that.

"So have you done the Arithmancy essay yet?" he asked, thankfully changing the subject. I smiled at him gratefully. "Actually, yes," I said, standing up, and he mirrored me. "I have it in my book bag in the common room, if you want to look at it."

He nodded, scooping his books up and pushing his chair in. "Thanks, Lily," he said fervently. "You're a life saver."

*

The last lesson of the next day was Divination. James had been avoiding me all day in every class, and I thought he should know that I forgave him, and that we had argued about something stupid that shouldn't have even mattered. I wanted to be friends with him, not the kind of fragile, rocky friendship we had had for the past few days where we had been dancing around the unavoidable.

I got up to Divination tower early, climbed the rope ladder and got my books unpacked and spread open in front of me, waiting, for both James and Professor Trelawney. The argument was behind us, like so many we had had in the past.

I straightened up, prepared to apologize, as James' tousled head appeared in the trapdoor. He swung his legs up and got to his feet. But he walked right past me, not even looking at me, hesitating slightly before going to sit next to a pretty girl in our year, Emily Forth. She had a blond bob, and large brown eyes which she smudged with eyeliner. She looked surprised, though pleased, and she leaned forward to talk to him. He laughed, and gestured something out with his hands. She laughed as well.

I frowned. Emily had been in our dormitory in fourth year, and she was actually a nice girl- funny, and adventurous, but our friendship had drifted apart. The one flaw, to my opinion, was that she had been obsessed with James Potter in fourth year, and was absurdly jealous of the time and attention he would devote to me. That, more than anything else, was why we weren't friends anymore, but I still stopped to talk to her in the hallway sometimes, now that James had calmed down slightly.

I sighed as Professor Trelawney came through the back of the room to stand in front of the class, looking at the empty seat next to me unhappily. I didn't like to be alone. I wished we had never argued. Or at least that my friends had been insensible and continued with Divination. I prepared myself for another long and entirely unpleasant lesson.

**A/N- Another chapter finished! Sooner than expected because of all my lovely reviewers!**

**Hey, do you know what would make me post another chapter sooner? Press that green button at the bottom of the page. Right there, and a little bit down. **---


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N- You know the drill- read, enjoy, review. It's not mine.**

Chapter Eight

To my annoyance, James didn't stop his cold treatment of me over the next few days. I tried everything to get him to talk to me- talking politely, chattering mindlessly, asking him questions, telling at him, ignoring him back- but to no avail. It was as if I was invisible.

Even Head duties didn't force him to forgive me. We were sent out to patrol the corridors for the first time. I tried to make him talk to me- even _look_ at me, but once again he pretended I wasn't there, finally saying, when I had been repeating his name for the hundredth time, that he would patrol the first and second floors if I would take the third and fourth, in a cold, vague tone. Most unwillingly, I agreed, which resulted in my not seeing him for the rest of the night.

Aria and Raye found the whole situation downright amusing. "You always said you wished he would ignored you," Raye kept throwing at me. "So why does it bother you so much?" But I had no answer to that, so therefore didn't credit it with a response. Aria just looked at me smugly and shook her head slowly from side to side in an infuriatingly knowing way, which irritated me even more.

To make matters worse, Potter was now hanging around Emily Forth. It was irrational, perhaps, but still, I didn't like to see them together- him laughing at her jokes, her hitting him playfully, talking with each other and seeming to have a good time when I wasn't.

The only thing that made it possible to get through the weeks without breaking down was Nate. He was spending more time with me than ever. Raye's seat next to me in Charms had been switched with him- not that she was complaining, she was now sitting next to Fabian Prewett, a fellow prefect, whom she had apparently liked since third year. (We had forced that out of her during a tickle torture session, when we had noticed she was avoiding Remus- apparently she had never liked Remus other than a friend, and doubted that he did either, and was completely embarrassed by having to kiss him.) In Defense Against the Dark Arts he joined Aria and my table with Fabian, and we spent hours debating the best ways to cast the Patronus spell, not that I could, anyway, and laughing over Aria's comical cartoons of the teacher. Often times he'd even sit next to me at lunch, chattering away with Aria and Raye, and pile his plate high with food.

"I think you've got a boyfriend," Olivia teased one day as we were sitting, curled up on a pile of pillows by the fire. She wiggled her socked feet that were resting on my leg suggestively, and I pinched her toe. "Shut up," I said, without really meaning it. "We're just friends." She raised her eyebrows, but tactfully didn't say anything more. I relaxed, letting the warmth of the fire seep through me, warming my face until my cheeks were pink. It was getting colder out, and the leaves on the trees were starting to flush to faintest orange and crimson.

Aria had just entered the Common Room. She sighed, flopping down onto the pillows on her stomach. "My life is over," she moaned dramatically. I rolled my eyes in exasperation. "What now?" Aria had a flair for making everything sound far worse than it actually was.

"I told Ethan I didn't want to go to the dance with him," she said tragically, pushing her long hair out of her face and leaning her elbows on my knees, and her chin on top of that. "He's being such a jerk. He won't leave me alone, even though I said I was only going to that with him because I needed _someone_ to go with. He seemed to think it was a real date." She made a face at me, and Olivia laughed.

"Poor Aria," she said with mock sympathy. "All the boys chasing after her."

"I know!" Aria exclaimed, not catching her sarcasm. "But not the one I want." I laughed and patted her on the top of her head, like a dog. "Now you're back in the same boat with us," I told her. "Come on, Air. The dance is a month away- I think you'll be able to find someone by then. Don't worry."

She sighed, and I felt her chin bob up and down on my leg. "You're right," she said sorrowfully. "I guess I'll just have to wait. And if I don't find anyone by then, we're going as a group."

I decided not to comment on that, and instead looked around as Raye came to join us. "You look happy," the dejected Aria accused. "What happened?"

She flushed slightly, but it didn't stop a wide smile from breaking over her face. "I don't have to take History of Magic anymore!" She said eagerly. "Professor Binns said that since I'm making such abysmal marks, I'm not allowed anywhere near him. No danger of that happening!"

Aria sighed. "Here I was thinking it had to do with a boy," she sounded depressed. "Lucky. I wish I didn't have to take it, too."

"So what will you do with the extra time?" Olivia asked her. She grinned. "Fabian offered to tutor me, when I told him that Binns kicked me out. Every Thursday evening, for an hour and a half." She wriggled her eyebrows suggestively. Aria shrieked and reached out and pushed her. "I was right!" She crowed gleefully. "It _is _a boy!"

"What's a boy?" A voice came from behind her. We all looked up. There was Sirius Black, but Remus, Peter, and Potter were nowhere to be found. Aria smirked. "I believe the definition is a human being with a-"

"We get it," I interrupted, leaning over to cover her mouth. "Never you mind, Black."

He acted hurt. "But I _do _mind. If Jones here is going out with another guy it's completely my business."

"How so?" Aria tried and failed to act unconcerned. He grinned at her. "Well, I was just coming over to ask if you wanted to go to the Halloween dance with me."

Words seemed to fail her. She raised her eyebrows at him, looking unconvinced. "Did James put you up to this?" she said finally. His grin got wider, and cockier, and he shook his head. She appraised him. "I suppose," she said coolly, turning back to us as though she could care less. He waited for a minute to see if she was going to say anything else. When it became apparent that she wasn't, he turned and left, looking back over his shoulder to smile smugly.

Aria grinned at us. "I guess I don't need Ethan after all." Olivia laughed and tugged on a piece of her hair.

"Are you sure about this?" Raye asked, a crease appearing between her eyebrows. "You do know how he treats the girls he usually takes on dates? He might just be looking for some arm-candy." I smacked her on the head before she could go on, and she pouted, rubbing the wounded place with an offended expression. "He likes you," I said confidently. "You didn't see what happened that day you fell asleep on his lap and he carried you up to the dormitory. Trust me."

She looked slightly confused, but nodded acceptingly. "I'd like to think so," she said slowly. "Just kind of hard to tell with Sirius, isn't it?" I sighed and took a piece of her hair, dividing it into three parts and beginning to braid it. "It's hard to tell with all boys," I said wisely, thinking of three in particular.

*

That night, as I lay in my four-poster bed, the moonlight streaming through the windows causing squares of light to appear on my quilt- I never liked closing the curtains- I thought about what I had said to Aria. And one boy in particular;

I hadn't seen Severus since the end of last year, when we had managed to run into each other at the Three Broomsticks pub. It had been awkward beyond belief, both of us dancing around the real subject we were dying to debate about, instead talking about classes and how things were going for us. It was like skating over a rough patch of thin ice, never sure if it would break and we would go under. And I did miss him, missed his sarcastic humor and the faint smile that nobody but me ever saw when I said something funny, the way he would talk about his family, about how his father would abuse his mother when he was young. It was enough to make my heart ache with sympathy for him.

With those thoughts in mind, I fell asleep, and woke up with a new thought in my mind. I was going to talk to Sev again- a real discussion, and we would be friends. Whatever nasty things we had said to each other before would be in the past. All I would have to do was drag him away from his Slytherin friends. It would be easy. I dressed quickly, feeling determined, and brushed through my hair distractedly, shoving my shoes onto my feet as I hopped down the staircase.

"In a hurry, Evans?" Sirius Black commented, from where he was seated in an armchair by the dark fireplace, turned around to see what the noise was. I rolled my eyes at him, as he grinned suggestively. I rushed out the portrait hole, my hair flying behind me and tripped down the stairs to the Great Hall. I entered it, suddenly feeling hesitant, jerked out of the daze. Severus wasn't there yet; the Slytherin table was nearly empty, except for a few students milling around the far end. I sighed and walked over to the Gryffindor table, taking a seat next to Sara, who was apparently an early riser. I stifled a yawn with my hand.

"Morning," she smiled, taking a sip of her orange juice and glancing up from the paper she was reading. I sighed heavily. What was it with my friends and reading newspapers? Didn't any of them eat their breakfast like a normal person? She looked slightly concerned. "Are you okay?"

I waved my hand distractedly. "I'm fine," I reassured her. "I just . . . wish I could talk to him." Her thin eyebrows shot up, but she nodded understandingly, probably thinking that I was talking about Potter. I didn't feel the urge to correct her- people didn't much like that I'd been friends with Severus, him being a Slytherin and all.

"It must be hard," she said slowly. "You're in different houses now, and all." I glanced at her sharply. "Who are you talking about?" I said harshly. A small smile spread across her face. "Snape," she replied simply. "I knew you were friends since first year. I was in your dormitory, remember?" I screwed up my face, trying to think. I seemed to recall a small girl, with a mess of brown hair constantly in front of her face. That must have been Sara, but I didn't remember her ever talking. She grinned slightly. "I was shy," she confirmed. "I was terrified of everybody. Anyway- if you want to talk with Snape, pull him aside after breakfast. We have that break before DADA."

I thought about this. It seemed to make sense. Nobody would be watching us after breakfast, and I didn't want talk to spread up about Sev and I. We were friends, and there was nothing wrong with being a friend with somebody in a different house. With that cheerful thought in my head, I spooned porridge into my bowl and stirred it, adding cinnamon and taking a big bite. People slowly flooded into the Hall, but I ignored all of them. Sara had lent me a piece of her paper- with funny little animated cartoons. Perhaps I could see why they ordered the Prophet.

Breakfast was finally over, after seeming like it took hours. I wasn't too hungry, but managed to eat down half of my oatmeal and some toast. Finally, with a yawn, I told my friends that I was going to go up to the tower, shooting a smile at Sara, who smiled knowingly back. I left the Hall, aware of eyes on my back, and leaned against the wall by the door, out of sight to the occupants of the Hall, but able to pounce on whoever decided to come along. Several people shot me confused glances. Nate stopped to ask me if we had homework- to which I teased him mercilessly; he was a prefect, after all- and ended with him sprinting up the stairs to the tower. I watched him go, admiring his long legs and lean body, when a voice jolted me out of my reverie.

"Well, if it isn't Evans!" I turned sharply, narrowing my eyes as I recognized Malfoy and his passe. I scowled as I saw Severus at the back of his gang, looking thoroughly out of place with his long greasy hair and curved nose.

"I see you got your jaw mended," Malfoy said smugly. I glared at him. "Shut up, Malfoy." He looked delighted. "Is that the best you can do, Mudblood? I'm disappointed." I turned to shoot a look at Severus, who cringed and looked away.

"I was wondering if I could talk with Snape," I said, purposely using his surname instead of his first name. He seemed to get the replacement and looked awkward. Malfoy raised his pale eyebrows at me. "Why would a pure blood want to talk to a Mudblood like you?"

"Actually," I shot back. "He's not-"

Severus stepped forward, shooting me a look. "I'll go," he said unwillingly, glancing toward  
Malfoy hesitantly. The latter merely rolled his eyes contemptuously and walked past us, down toward the dungeons. Severus walked over to me. "What was that for?" he hissed. "I had to tell them that I'm a pureblood to get into their group. Don't ruin it for me!"

"Oh, _sor_-ry," I said sarcastically. "Sev, why would you want to lie about your heritage? And just to get into _Malfoy_'s gang?"

He sighed. "Lily, it's not as easy for me as it is for you. I don't just make friends. It's hard to make friends with Slytherins, and I'm not popular or vivacious like you,"

I rolled my eyes. "Don't try and compliment me," I said, but there was a smile in my voice. He heard it, and smiled back hesitantly. I grabbed his arm, swinging it with mine. "I missed you," I said simply. "We haven't talked in forever."

"I know," he said. "But it's not as simple now. Our friendship, I mean." I bit my lip at his words. Our friendship. Was it still there? He seemed to catch my train of thought and squeezed my arm. "It'll be fine, Lily," he said confidently, but I heard a fiber of doubt in his voice.

We meandered around the lake, my arm still in his. It occurred to me how tall he was now- probably a head or two above me, but instead of being attractive, it gave him an awkward, gangly look. I sighed as we stopped under a tree and gazed towards the lake, over the mountains, and the scarlet and gold colors. I smiled.

"What is it?" he asked lightly. I grinned. "I was just thinking- the trees are the Gryffindor colours," I said with amusement. He snorted. "But they're Slytherin colours most of the year round," he informed me. I rolled my eyes. "Only green," I informed him. "I've never seen a silver tree before- just those cheaply painted Muggle Christmas trees." He understood what I was talking about. That was another good thing about Severus- he was raised by a Muggle man who didn't like his witch wife, so he knew the Muggle customs, too.

We sat down in silence, just watching the birds flying south, as the sun began to rise over the mountains, casting a beautiful pink glow over the grounds. I sighed happily, and saw him smile beside me, though I wasn't sure if it was at me or the beauty of our surroundings. Finally, I stood up.

"We should go," I said regretfully. He nodded, looking stony again, and slightly hopeful. "What's up?" I asked him curiously, taking my long red hair between my hands and shoving it into my sweatshirt hood, away from the cold wind that was blowing it into my face.

Severus hesitated. "I was thinking," he said slowly. "About us." I looked at him in confusion. "What about us, Sev?"

He took a deep breath, then bent forward and crushed his lips to mine, holding my face between his hands tightly. In one movement, I jerked back. I'd never been kissed before, and it felt so utterly, completely wrong. I stumbled back, tripping on the rocky ground.

"What was that for?"

I couldn't read his expression as he looked down at me. "Lily," he said, his voice somewhat urgent. "You must know that I love you. I always have, and I can never stop."

I felt as though my world was moving beneath me. How could he do this- ruin our friendship? "Sev, I can _never _love you!" I exclaimed, and a shadow crossed his face. "You have to know that! You're like a brother to me!"

He stuffed his hands in his pocket, and I could see him closing up to me. "If that's how you feel about it, then . . ."

He waited for me to say something, but I only nodded sadly, but firmly. He turned, his face scowling, and made his way back to the castle. I watched him walk, his back hunched against the bitter wind, his head bowed and his black hair hiding his face. I felt something break inside me. I would never be able to talk to Severus again after this, and the loss was inexplicably huge. I hugged my arms, as the wind blew hard and cold. Our friendship was gone.

*

I ran back up to the castle, stumbling on the rocky ground. The sunrise didn't seem nearly as beautiful as before, and I didn't spare it a second glance as I burst through the castle doors, racing up the marble staircase and down the hall to the Fat Lady's portrait, hoping that I would get inside the Common Room and up to the dormitories before the tears came, but no such look. The portrait swung open, and I climbed in, before they started trickling down my face. I held my cold hands up to my face, coming to sit down between Aria and Raye on the sofa. Raye looked alarmed. "Lily, what's wrong?" She asked, wrenching my hands away from my face to reveal my tears. I took a shaky breath. I wasn't going to sob, but I was allowed to let a few silent tears escape, wasn't I?

Olivia and Sara looked over, concerned, as I rested my head on Aria's shoulder. I cleared the thickness out of my throat. "I thought I was safe," I said quietly. "But now he's imposing, too." Aria pushed the hair away from my face, looking confused. "Who? Nate? But-"

I shook my head violently, and Sara suddenly widened her eyes. _She _understood, I could tell, and she wasn't going to explain it to my friends, instead tried to convey her sympathy through one look. I thanked the heavens above that she was my friend now. I brushed the tears away from my face and smiled, trying to look as normal as possible. "Sorry," I apologized, and was impressed to hear that my voice wasn't even shaky. "Just- PMS, I guess." Raye nodded hesitantly, but Aria looked suspicious. Shooting me a look that told me she was going to worm it out of me as soon as possible, she got to her feet, packing her books into her bag and slinging it over her shoulder, waiting for us to follow her. We did, and as I passed her to go up the stairs to get my bag, Sara squeezed my hand reassuringly.

**A/N- Shoot- I just realized Malfoy wouldn't've been at the school anymore- he was a Head Boy when Lily and James got to Hogwarts. Damn. Oh, well- you can pretend, right? Please no hate comments about that? **

**No James in this chapter, really. Sorry about that. But Lily doesn't like him, remember? ;) I felt the need to do SOMETHING angsty. And don't worry- Sirius and Aria aren't really together just like that. Just you wait. (insert evil author laugh.) Well. Thanks to all of those who reviewed last chapter, and every other chapter before that. Means a lot. **

**So what did you think? **


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N- Thanks for all of y'all who reviewed my story. But as we all know, I own nothing except the confusing, amateur plot. Oh, and a few minor characters, but those don't count. Somebody was asking to know more about Emily- therefore, this chapter is for you. :)**

Chapter Ten

October came soon, and Halloween was creeping up on us. Unfortunately, that meant that James Potter and I had to spend more time together than ever. Finally, we were talking again- cordial, and stiff, but at least talking. I wasn't sure where I ever stood with him. One minute he's chasing after me, the next he's acting like a normal human being, then he starts controlling my every mood, then ignores me for weeks. I gave up trying to follow his bizarre mood swings, and just decided to do what I wanted to.

Apparently James was now going out with Emily. The news came as a slight shock, but I was glad- if it meant he would leave me alone about romantic matters, it was worth it. I approved wholeheartedly. Emily often came to our meetings with the prefects- she was one, after all- and we began talking again. She apologized for fourth year, and I realized she really was a good friend. She had a good sense of humor, coupled with ambition- she was perfectly happy to study with me in the library, and other times joined Aria, Raye, Olivia, Sara and I as we ran outside to jump in the mounds of leaves that the professors hadn't gotten around to charming away yet, and dump handfuls of the dry brown leaves down each other's shirts. Indeed, I got along with her much better than with her boyfriend, which seemed to both amuse and bewilder my friends.

I smiled as I thought of this and looked down at the chess board in front of me. It was the break before Transfiguration, and Emily had somehow convinced me that this was what I wanted to do with my free time. I was regretting it more with every passing moment. Emily had made her move, and I was sitting cross-legged across the small table from her, frowning. Chess was never my strong point, and the chessmen, who were hers, didn't trust me at all, and shouted bits of advice and insults to me. I tried my best to ignore them, occasionally giving up a few of the rowdier playing pieces to the enemy, but even then they yelled at me, not listening as I threatened them.

"It's your turn," Emily said loudly, over the small pawn that was pleading for me not to send him out, trembling slightly as her queen glared ferociously down at him. I grinned. "I know," I looked up from the board. "I'm so bloody awful at chess- you're going to win."

She shrugged. "I'm not so great either. It's kind of fun. Besides, this way I can teach you how to play."

I laughed. "Don't bother. Aria once tried in second year, and it ended with me upturning the whole board over her head- she never talked about chess when I was around again." Emily chuckled, as her playing pieces shifted their weight, obviously impatient as I thought about what my next move would be. Finally, I directed a bishop forward, where it was pounced upon by a rook, and dragged off to the side of the board. I winced.

"That's barbaric," James said, coming up behind Emily and perching on her armchair, kissing her cheek. She didn't look around at him, instead shoved him off with one fluid motion. "Get lost, Potter," she teased. "I'm beating Lily at chess."

He acted offended. "I noticed," he said huffily. "I'll just watch in silence, then." He waited for her to make an objection, but she ignored him. I bit back a laugh and watched as she slid forward her pawn. I grinned, finally spotting a space for me to make a checkmate. I moved my piece forward, hoping she wouldn't know what my plan was. She looked at me, then smiled smugly and directed her queen forward. It was a trap. It brought the small, marble chair it was sitting on up, swung it around, and smashed the same poor pawn into bits with one strong blow. I winced, pulling out my wand and muttering, 'Repairo,' as the pawn shuffled off, head bowed, to the side.

"Damn," I swore. She laughed, and Potter threw a smile at me. "Finally found something you're not good at, huh?" He said obnoxiously. I shot a glare at him. "What happened to watching in silence?" I retorted. Emily laughed and leaned over to rumple his hair. I looked away, feeling some strange emotion in the pit of my stomach, staring down at the checkered board until the black and white blended together and made my head spin.

"Fine," he said, getting to his feet. "I can tell when I'm not wanted. I'll just be with Pad- Sirius, plotting- erm, doing my homework." I rolled my eyes at his clumsily covered up lie, and was promptly defeated by Emily. She hadn't even lost one piece.

*

The next morning, an owl found me in the Great Hall, a letter clutched in its taloned feet. I slit it open hesitantly- I hadn't been getting very good news lately. It was an invitation, on smooth, creamy white paper written with delicately curling script- _You are invited to the funeral of Rose Evans, to be held at 6:00 this evening . . ._

I crumpled it up in my hand. I didn't need to read any more. It would be tonight, and I would go. There would be no question. Raye looked at me questioningly. "What's up?"  
"Mum's funeral is tonight," I told her, glad that my voice didn't break. Honestly, I had had enough crying over the past week. "I'm going. Anyone want to come?"

Aria looked sympathetic. "I have Quidditch practice," she told me regretfully. "Flitwick's essay is due tomorrow," Raye reminded me. "And I haven't done it." Olivia shrugged. "Quidditch," she informed me. Sara looked at me with wide eyes. "I didn't know your mum," she admitted truthfully. "So I think it might be awkward if I went."

I sighed, not bothering to argue with any of them. "Fine," I said peevishly. "I'll go by myself."

"Go where by yourself?" A voice behind me said. I looked around, recognizing the voice, to see Nate scrutinizing me, smiling slightly. I didn't smile back. "Mum's funeral," I informed him. The smile slipped from his face at once. "Everyone's busy."

"I'm going with you," he said firmly, in a tone that meant I shouldn't argue with him. I bit my tongue, ignoring the doubts in my mind. "I don't think you want to . . ." I warned him. He shook his head. "I don't think you want to face that by yourself," he retorted. "I'll go with you. When is it?" I told him the information that he needed to know, with slight trepidation. Nate was going come to my house and meet my whole family? He might need professional help afterward.

It was five-fifteen when I ran up to the dormitories to get ready. I took a quick shower, charming my hair dry and sleek, pulling it back into a loose bun, stabbing pearl studs through my ears, a black tank top with a black sheer blouse over it, and a flowing black skirt, small black ballet flats on my feet. I put my coat over it- it would be cold, after all- and tripped down the dormitory stairs, emerging into the common room. Aria gaped at me.

"Are you going to a funeral or on a date?" She asked me, grinning. I swatted her. "Shut up," I laughed at her. It was remarkable how close she was to the truth. I sat down next to her, curled up on the sofa, feeling the firelight warming my chilled legs, listening to my friends laugh and chat. I didn't need to participate in their conversation- I was content in just listening to them tease each other, and they seemed to understand that I was in a reflective mood.

"Are you ready?" Nate said from behind me. I jumped, ignoring his chuckle and turned around to stare up at him. He looked handsomer than ever- a black suit jacket over a stark white shirt, a pair of black dress pants. His hair looked as though he had tried to brush it, but it hadn't quite worked all that well- still falling into his face in soft curls.

Aware that I was staring at him, my cheeks flushed slightly red, and I jumped up, saying a hasty good bye to my friends, who grinned at each other. He smiled and offered his arm. I took it, ducking my head to hide my face.

"You look pretty," he told me solemnly, as though confessing to a great crime. I laughed. "Thank you," I said lightly. "So do you- handsome, I mean."

"Please," he said, trying to flick his hair and failing miserably. "I think pretty is more my style."

I laughed, still staring down at my shoes, not wanting to meet his eyes. We walked the rest of the way to Dumbledore's office in silence. When we got there, I looked at the statue outside the hidden entrance unenthusiastically. Dumbledore had neglected to tell me the password when he told us we would leave from there.

But it sprung aside as soon as we stopped in front of it, and the spiral staircase spun upwards. I hopped onto it quickly, relinquishing Nate's arm unhappily and holding onto the railing as it twirled dizzyingly. I stepped off at the top, going to rap firmly on Dumbledore's door. A soft, "Come in!" came from inside, and I pushed the door open, Nate following me.

"Good evening, sir," I said as soon as we got inside. Dumbledore peered at us over his half-moon spectacles. "Good evening, Miss Evans and Mr. Hendricks. I must say- you both look very smart in your attire."

I looked away awkwardly. He seemed to sense our discomfort and smiled. "Here's your Portkey," he told us, brandishing a flower pot filled with blooming begonias. I stared at it suspiciously, and he chuckled softly. "It's perfectly safe, Miss Evans," he told me happily. I looked at him, trying to figure out if he was lying or not. Nate laughed. "You just touch it," he explained, seeming to understand that I'd never used a Portkey before, placing his forefinger on the pot. I reached out hesitantly and touched the tip of my finger to the cold terracotta. Nate suppressed a laugh at the expression on my face by changing it into a cough mid-way.

The Headmaster smiled slightly at us. "Three . . . two . . . one . . ." he said, almost carelessly, and an invisible hook pulled at the back of my navel, jerking me through time and space. Colors whirled, shapes flew past my eyes. My head spun as I twirled around and around, finally landing in a head of fabric on cold, hard ground. I grimaced uncomfortably and got to my feet, brushing off the dirt from my skirt and wincing at the bruises I could already feel blooming.

Nate, curse him, had landed gracefully on his feet and was looking down at me, smirking slightly. "Shut it," I told him peevishly before he could say anything. He grinned. "Sorry," he said, not sounding apologetic in the slightest, taking my hand in his own. I was surprised, but didn't object to it as we started out over the cold, barren hill toward the church by my childhood house. His hand was warm, and oddly comforting.

The church was half full as we pushed open the doors, taking in the sunlight streaming from the stained glass windows, the crosses and pews oddly sinister instead of relaxing. Nate loosened his grip on my fingers, willing to let me go if I was embarrassed, but I tightened my hold on him. I finally spotted my dad, hovering slightly near the front. I made my way over to him, dragging Nate behind me.

"Lily," he said, spotting me and opening his arms. I dropped Nate's hand regretfully and threw my arms around him, burying my head into his shoulder. I could feel that he had lost weight, and he looked worse than I'd ever seen him- more gaunt, his skin pale, and his hair greyer than ever.

"How are you, Dad?" I asked him, pulling back. He sighed, brushing his hand over his eyes briefly. "I'm surviving," he told me, his voice soft. "It's just . . . hard for me, without you here." I kissed his cheek, something I hadn't done since I had left for Hogwarts, and squeezed his shoulder.

"I'm sorry I can't be there, too," I told him sincerely, and I meant it. He looked away from me toward Nate for the first time. "Who's this?"

"This is Nate," I said, slightly awkwardly. "One of my friends from my school. He wanted to come."

"Nice to meet you, sir," Nate said, extending his hand. Dad took it, looking a bit confused, and they shook hands briefly. He cleared his throat. "You, too," he said gruffly. "You take care, you hear?" He said, making a small effort to smile at me before going to talk with a woman I recognized- my aunt, Jane, who I didn't care to talk to now.

I suddenly noticed a black casket at the front of the room for the first time. My heart in my mouth, I went up to it, until I was close enough to peer into the open half. My stomach constricted. There was Mum- looking nothing like I remembered her. Her face was pale and deathly, her hair smoothed back, wearing a dress that I knew she would never have approved of in life. A sob stuck in my throat, and I turned away before Nate could hear it.

"Let's go sit," I said brightly, though perhaps _too_ brightly, taking his hand and pulling him behind me to the back of the room, where I slid into one of the wooden benches, waiting for the ceremony to start. I could feel him watching me suspiciously, but didn't meet his gaze, instead stared defiantly at the front, waiting for the preacher to start talking.

After a few moments of waiting for the last relatives to take their places, he finally began the ceremony. The words drifted over my head- beloved wife, loving mother, sister, daughter- it didn't matter. None of those words applies to the mother I knew in life- the one who always seemed to be alive, who laughed at the sad movies, who lit up a room with her smile, who would find anything to make cheerful.

She wouldn't want a funeral like this. She told me when I was young and we were discussing funerals that she wanted to be buried like the Vikings- sent out into the middle of the sea in a longboat lit on fire with all of her treasures surrounding her. I wasn't sure if she was joking or not, but it made sense to me- she should go out in a blaze of glory, not as some relic, the remnants of her strength and happiness.

And then the noncontroversial truth hit me- Mum was dead. She had been killed by the Death Eaters, and she was never going to come back, never going to hug me again, not going to cry over me as I went on my first real date, got married, or had children. She wouldn't witness any of my accomplishments. I felt hot tears in my eyes and turned away from Nate, not wanting him to know, letting them spill down my cheeks silently.

A warm arm wrapped around my shoulders, slightly awkward, but completely natural. Apparently he had seen. I glanced at him. He had torn his gaze away from what was happening at the front of the room, and was looking at me with concern and, was it, tenderness? I stared back at him for a second, before covering my face with my hands, leaning my head onto his shoulder and taking deep breaths. He stroked my hair away from his face, his hands cold as ice, and I knew that he was remembering the day when his own mother died, too.

Petunia cornered me after the funeral, when Nate was helping me put my coat on and we were getting ready to leave.

"What are _you _doing here?" She spat at me. "You and your . . . your _abnormality. _Why can't you stay at that school, anyway? I'd grown used to seeing you only once a year."

I rolled my eyes. "Good to see you too, Petunia," I said dryly, pulling my knit hat on over my ears. Petunia sniffed, and her eyes fell on Nate. "Who's this?"

I stifled a smile. "Petunia, this is Nate, my, er, friend from Hogwarts. Nate, Petunia's my sister." Nate held his hand out, smiling hesitantly at her. She glared at him as though he was something foul stuck to the bottom of her shoe. "Next time, don't bring your freak friends," she muttered to me, though I'm sure Nate heard her as he dropped his hand, looking awkward. Petunia scowled at me, then turned to stomp off, away from us and to a man waiting by the door- Vernon Dursley- fat, short and ugly. I bit back a laugh as I watched them leave, Petunia grasping Vernon's arm like a lifeline, teetering in her too-tall high heels.

"That's your . . . sister?" Nate asked me in disbelief, looking after the retreating couple with an expression of great dislike on his face. "She's nothing like you, or your dad at all." I sighed, turning to leave out the door. "Unfortunately. She never got over the fact that I'm a witch and she's didn't get asked to Hogwarts, too."

It was just beginning to rain outside, large, cold droplets that fell heavily down from the grey cloud covering, littering the dead grass. I tilted my face toward the clouds, feeling the gentle sting of the water as it hit my bare skin and dripped down my face, like tear tracts.

The Portkey was waiting for us at the crest of the hill, and we took it between us, standing close together as the snow drifted down around us, and I thought how odd we would look to any Muggle that came out of the church right now- two teenagers clutching a flowerpot, silent and unmoving. Then, right as the watch on Nate's left hand beeped annoyingly, the Portkey jerked forward, taking us with it in the same rush, and we landed, me on my feet this time, on the Headmaster's rug, the flowerpot falling from our grip and bouncing on the oriental rug. Dumbledore flicked his wand from where he sat at his desk, the used Portkey vanishing into thin air, and, with a slight smile, waved us out of his office.

*

"So, how are your plans going?" Nate asked me after the lessons were all over, and darkness falling over the castle, referring to the Halloween dance as I sat, hunched over a stack of papers on the table in front of me, clenching my quill in my hand uncomfortably, my hand pushing my hair away from my forehead, at a small round table in the back of the library. I glanced up at him. He looked entirely at ease, leaning back in his chair, his brown hair casually mussed, a slight smile on his face as he looked at me.

"Like crap," I muttered, scribbling something out. "I don't see how we're ever going to pull this off, or get it under the budget." I sighed, setting my quill down and groaning as I rested my hand on the wet ink, smudging it all over my hand and paper. I rubbed my nose with the back of my hand, smearing ink onto the tip of it accidentally and blotting at the paper with a tissue. He fought back a laugh. I scowled at him.

"It'll come together in the end," he said confidently. "Don't worry. I'm sure whatever you do will be brilliant." I blushed at the compliment and smiled at him. I was finding myself liking Nate more and more with every day. There was something about him that put me at ease, and I wasn't too sure if I liked him as a friend or as something more. There was no distinct line drawn between us at that point.

"Thanks," I said awkwardly, glancing down at the paper, scowling as I noted the stain, scribbles and scratches all over it. I took out a fresh sheet of parchment and spread it next to me, copying the words down, neater this time.

"So, Lily," Nate said, and his voice sounded different- nervous, even. I looked up curiously. "What?"

He grimaced slightly. "Are you going with anyone to the dance?"

I scrunched my eyebrows up at him. "No- should I be?"

He grinned. "Well . . . I was wondering if you wanted to come with me." I tilted my head to the side, pondering this. Did I really want to go with Nate? Was he asking me out of pity- I had just lost my mum- friendship, or because he really wanted to go with me? Either way, I found, it didn't matter. I would feel like an idiot the night of the dance if I didn't have a date, next to James with his girlfriend.

"I'd love to," I decided, smiling happily at him. He grinned. "Great. You'll need dress robes, then," he raised his eyebrows at me, and reached his hand toward my face. I froze, feeling cornered and raw watching it draw nearer. He didn't try to kiss me or anything- but what he did felt just as shockingly intimate. Pressing the top of his forefinger to the tip of my nose, he wiped off the smudge of black ink adorning it, before smiling at me, getting up to exit the portrait hole.

**A/N- Just so you know, I didn't mean for Nate to sound that sketchy. Honestly, he's a nice guy. I thought about making him all evil and stuff, but with a name like Nate, that didn't work out at all. Anyway, tell me what you think! I know you guys hate me for adding Nate and Emily to the story and delaying the inevitable, but don't worry- it'll happen eventually. Next up- the Halloween ball. Any last minute prank ideas? Thanks to all of you who already sent in your ideas.  
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**I'm so sorry it took me more than a week to update, but it is the holidays and I've been pretty busy . . . :( Yeah, I don't really have an excuse. Thanks to DawnEclipse who told me to get busy. (not literally :) This chapter is my Christmas present to you! Or Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, etc.**


	10. Chapter 10

**PLEASE READ MY PLEA!!**

**I have been so busy, it's not even funny. For school, I'm writing a children's story, right? And apparently, it was due this Monday. So, of course, I wrote far too much and it's now, like forty pages long in tiny text, but anyway, I literally spent every spare moment I had writing it, including all of Saturday, Sunday, and finishing it on Monday.**

**On Tuesday, I had play practice (I'm Lieutenant Brannigan in Guys and Dolls) and flute lessons right after that until eight o'clock. Then I dashed home, got to my computer and wrote my butt off. Today, I had D.I and piano lessons, and I came as quick as I could to finish my story and update it for you guys.**

**I'm not trying to say I haven't been horrible and left you guys hanging at the end of last chapter- I am a horrible person and should be punished. Just kidding ;) You all have been SO nice and haven't even messaged me demanding a new chapter, after around two weeks (TWO WEEKS!) of not updating. I swear it won't be that long again. You can hold me to it.**

**Hey, has anyone heard the song Apple and Cinnamon by Utada? It is my favourite song ever, and I listened to it about twenty times while writing this chapter.  
**

**All that said, please enjoy the chapter! I own nothing except in my dreams . . .  
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Chapter Ten

Aria, Olivia, Raye, Sara and I went shopping for Halloween costumes the next Hogsmeade weekend. The ball was the next day, and I still had no idea what I was going to dress as. The costume shop, away from the hustle and bustle of the downtown, by the old Shrieking Shack, was crowded with Hogwarts students. Aria managed to grab a couple dressing rooms while the rest of us piled costumes into our arms and joined her.

Aria's was easy- she wanted to be a vampire. We found her a dark black dress with a crimson bodice, black lace hemming the bottom. She ignored my lecture that vampires didn't dress like that- more like normal human beings, and that they should be given equal rights as much as wizards should. She didn't look like vampire- more of a gothic girl with blond hair- but she was happy and bought it.

Sara, after trying on a few costumes- the most atrocious one being a snowman, three round white balls around her body, a top hat and a carrot nose that came with it- decided to go as a Greek, which made sense, as her family was originally from that area. She smiled as she looked at her reflection- the white draped cloth and golden belt that formed the toga.

I was a bit more difficult, especially when shopping with Aria- she forced me into the most ludicrous costumes that I would never even consider wearing. I sighed when I came out again, dressed as a mermaid, with a shell bra and long green tail and lots of glitter, glaring at her as she burst into a fit of giggles.

"I am never going to wear this!" I snapped at her, ignoring the few people that turned to stare at me as I came out to look into the mirror. "Honestly, Aria, this is the worst idea-"

"Actually," A voice said behind me. "I think that's the perfect costume for you." I turned around, glaring, to see Sirius Black, lounging on an armchair in front of a mirror with James Potter, leering at me as he waited for whoever was in the dressing room to come out. I folded my arms over my chest self-consciously as James stared at me. "Shut up, Black," I growled at him, stomping off toward the privacy of my dressing room, nearly tripping over the tight 'tail'. We finally decided on a medieval costume- a long black skirt that flowed away from my hips, a puffy white blouse underneath a tight green, lace-up bodice, which also looked fairly Irish.

It was Raye we had to wait for in the end. She couldn't find a decent costume to suit her taste. I watched, in a stupor, as she came out of the dressing room again and again in different outfits- a long princess gown, a sailor uniform, a witch, a mushroom, a fire fighter, finally deciding on-

"A bumblebee?" I asked in disbelief as she came out of the dressing room yet again in a tight black and yellow striped shirt and black skirt, a pair of wings attached to her back, antennae on her head. She grinned, and the wings began fluttering back and forth. "What do you think?"

"I think you're mental," I berated her. "This is worse than the mushroom!"

Aria cuffed me over the head. "It looks good," she said, shooting a look at me that clearly said, _agree as long as she'll buy it and we can leave_. "Pay for it, and let's get out of here." Raye changed back into her clothes as we pushed our way out of the shop and into the fresh, crisp autumn air.

"I can breathe again," Olivia sighed, taking a deep breath dramatically. I looked at her curiously, looping my arm through hers. "You didn't get a costume," I accused. "And I know you're going to the dance with Luke Jordan, so you need one."

She grinned at me, pulling us in the direction of a Muggle hardware store. "Just you wait." We entered the store, watching in fascination as she purchased several rolls of duct tape from the surly cashier, then joining us at the door and leading us out.

"Duct tape?" I asked in astonishment. "What do you need duct tape for?"

"You'll see," Olivia said mysteriously. I had a bad feeling about that.

"What's _duct tape_?" Aria asked curiously. Both her parents were magical, and I'd forgotten she wouldn't know about a Muggle thing like tape, unlike Olivia who was half-and-half.

"It's magic of it's own," I explained. "You can use it for _anything_- but mostly for fixing things." Aria looked confused. "Haven't they heard of the Repairo charm?" I rolled my eyes as we walked up the main street of Hogsmeade, the sun warming the top of my head pleasantly, listening to Aria and Olivia argue about the merits of duct tape. _Honestly._

*

There were still classes the next day, but most of us were too excited to do anything but pass notes and talk during them, and when Professor Flitwick realized this, he had us helping him hang decorations in the Great Hall for the dance. Of course, nothing would ever stop Binns from skipping a chance to lecture us- I'm not sure he even knew it was Halloween- so I was forced to take notes as he went on and on about goblin wars.

Finally, _finally_, lessons ended, and we all rushed upstairs. The common room was less crowded than usual- most of the students already getting dressed into their costumes, as the dance would start in an hour. I hurried up to our dorm with the other girls, and we all changed into our costumes and got busy- arranging our hair, applying makeup and, in my case, trying to put on high heels and learning to walk in them without falling over. I teetered over to Aria, as she skillfully swept her hair into a low, smooth bun and added more eyeliner than strictly necessary, giving her eyes a pretty, smoldering look and severing the lace off the sleeves with a quick charm.

"Lily," Aria sighed, looking me over. "At least put your hair down." I wrinkled my nose as she swooped down on me, yanking the elastic out of my ponytail and running a brush through the long, dark red hair. She considered me for a minute, than, with a slight smile grabbed her wand and flicked it toward me, causing curls to form- large, loose and pretty. I looked in the mirror, scowling at her beaming face behind me and rolled my eyes, relenting.

Sara had been ready for fifteen minutes and was now perched on her bed, doing last minute homework. Her toga was in place, her long dark hair curly and pulled to the side, a laurel crown perched on top of her head, her olive skin glowing. Raye was in her ridiculous bumblebee costume, attempting to pin her hair into pig tails, and Olivia was nowhere to be found.

"Where do you think she is?" I asked Aria for the umpteenth time. "I know she's going, but . . ." My sentence trailed away as she exited from the closed bathroom door, and my jaw dropped. She had somehow managed to turn the rolls of duct tape she'd bought yesterday into a dress- strapless and a-lined, a large black bow tied around the middle, even duct taped ballet flats. She spun in a little circle, smiling. "What do you think?"  
"How did you do that?" Raye asked in amazement, looking impressed. "All you had was tape . . . It really is magical!"  
I rolled my eyes. "It looks great, Liv," I told her truthfully, going over to help her pin her hair back. "I'm impressed."

"I didn't know you had curls," she teased, grabbing one and pulling on it. I shot a glare at Aria. "Neither did I," I grumbled, sliding the last bobby pin into her hair and surveying my work. Not bad at all, I thought. In fact, it was actually passable. I looked at the clock over the door.

"We'd better go if we want to be there in time," I informed them. They got to their feet, all but Raye, who remained at the mirror. "I'll be down in a minute," she said absently, grabbing a comb her wand and flicking it at her bangs so that they flew out of her face and into two barrettes. I watched her, sighed, and followed the other girls down the stairs to the Common Room. Nate was waiting for me, sitting on the sofa, talking to his friends.

"Hi," I said, suddenly feeling inexplicably shy, coming up to stand behind him, hovering over the top of the couch. He looked around at me, than jumped to his feet, nearly tripping. I smiled as his friends laughed and teased him. He shot them an exasperated look and came to walk beside me, shoving his hands into his pockets and smiling at me. "You look pretty."

"Thanks," I said, blushing slightly. "You look nice, too." He had decided to get a medieval-peasant costume with me, wearing a lace-up brown vest over a white shirt, khaki pants and brown boots. He grinned, but didn't make a comment for once, instead offered his arm, which I took hesitantly, and we proceeded to walk down the hall. The silence was slightly awkward, and I looked down at my shoes, watching the long skirt sway and move with every step I took.

The Great Hall was crowded with couples seeking each other out, meandering around until the doors opened to let us all in. I saw Aria, waiting with Sirius and steered us toward her, relieved. Sirius had played along with her and dressed up as a male vampire, too- his skin paler than usual, a high collared, black robe and crisp white shirt, his hair slicked back from his face, fangs magically added to his teeth as he grinned at us. It suited him.

"Hi," I said breathlessly, coming to a stop in front of them. Aria smiled mischievously. "You two look cute together," she said innocently, tilting her head to the side. I blushed, of course, but Nate only chuckled. "So do you," I shot back at her. Her eyes widened and she glanced quickly over at Sirius, but his attention had diverted as James and Emily, their arms around each other joined us. Emily looked . . . _beautiful_, wearing a white, draping, sleeveless toga, her dark hair curled and pulled to the side, a laurel crown on top of her head, her olive skin glowing, holding onto James and smiling broadly. James must not have got the message about togas- he was wearing a dark suit and white collared shirt and bow tie, his hair somehow miraculously smooth and flattened.

"What are you supposed to be?" Sirius accused him. He flashed me a grin. "James Bond," he said, adjusting the bow tie and trying to look dark and mysterious. I snorted. "How do you know who that is?" I said curiously. He dropped his demeanor. "Muggle studies," he said eagerly. "We were having a, er, debate about what our favorite Muggle movies were. Someone said James Bond, and I . . ."

Sirius groaned. "He wouldn't shut up until he found the movies and watched them- apparently the main character having his first name was too much of a temptation. And now . . . he won't shut up about them even more- they're his favorite movies ever." He shot a mock-glare toward James, who had the sense to look slightly guilty. "Sorry, Pad- um, Sirius."

I frowned at this, but the doors had opened, and the students began to flood into the hall. I gasped. Even though I had planned and helped execute it, I hadn't yet seen the Great Hall in all it's finery. Now it bore no resemblance to the Great Hall I had eaten lunch in just that afternoon. The four tables were gone, replaced with round, black tablecloth-ed tables clustered around the walls, with spindly black chairs. The ceiling, normally charmed to look like the sky, was dark black, rolls of thunder echoing in the distance, forks of lightning splitting the sky. Grinning pumpkins hovered in midair, casting candlelight in a gentle ring in the air. Small flocks of bats flew across the room, beating their wings loudly and screeching softly. The middle of the floor was clearly going to be used for the dance floor, clean and shiny. The ghosts were zooming around the room, adding another level of spookiness, though I wasn't sure if they were aware of that fact. Orange lights were strung across the walls, which were draped in black streamers, adding a slightly more cheerful factor to the already gloomy Hall.

"Wow," Nate breathed, looking around the Hall. "I'm impressed, Lily. You did all this?"

"There's no need to sound shocked," I teased, nudging him in the ribs. He grinned down at me as we grabbed a seat at the nearest round table, next to Olivia in her surprising duct tape dress and Luke, a tall black boy and dreadlocks, along with Raye and her date. Golden plates were in front of every spot as the students, fourth year and above, gathered around the tables and took their seats. From the staff table, unmoved at the front of the room, Dumbledore got to his feet, smiling at us all.

"Happy Halloween!" He called out cheerfully, and was met with hearty applause and cheers. Sirius Black wolf-whistled from the table next to ours, and caused many giggles. The Headmaster wasn't really wearing a costume- just a Halloween-themed hat instead of the normal wizard's ones- though I'm not sure you could call them normal. It rose above his head, a black top hat, the same orange decorative lights strung around the base, pumpkins sketched on it, scuttling black spiders and a few of the bats that crowded the Hall taking up residence on the fabric. I grinned, wishing I had a camera so I could record it.

"I know you're all eager to start feasting and the night's festivities," he continued when the noise had died down. "But I have a few words to say to you before we do. Firstly, congratulations to Miss Lily Evans and Mr. James Potter for arranging this celebration," he paused as clapping started, and few people, mostly my friends cheered. I flushed as many eyes turned to find me. "I want to say that no matter how, erm, _carried away _with festive spirit as you might be that you refrain from inappropriate behavior. Detentions can still be given out and house points docked while you're out of school." He paused, staring at us all sternly. Then the twinkling lights were back in his piercing blue eyes and he waved his arm merrily. "Enjoy the feast!"

I sighed happily as the golden plates in front of us filled with all kinds of delicious foods- savory meat, roasted vegetables, piles of freshly baked bread and pats of butter, Yorkshire pudding, pitchers of water, butterbeer and juice. I piled food onto my plate and filled my goblet, eating with small but eager bites until I had eaten my fill, waiting for the others to finish. I couldn't get over how much Nate seemed to eat- he piled his plate again and again, eating quickly as though he'd never had a decent meal before. And how could he possible remain that skinny after eating _that_ much?

The table cleared and was replaced with pudding- trifles, treacle tart, spotted dick- and I took a small helping of apple pie, chewing it thoughtfully as I argued with Nate about the merits of apparition versus broomsticks. Being on the Quidditch team, he thought that broomsticks were ultimately better, plus less painful. I disagreed strongly- I was terrified of heights, but didn't think that was necessary for me to reveal- apparition was quicker and didn't require an object, just knowledge.

Finally, the plates and remnants of our feast disappeared. I met Raye's eyes across the table- we were both thinking the same thing- when was James going to play his prank? He never backed down from dares- the bet we had made about him not asking me out was proof of that. I glanced across the Hall, toward where he was sitting, chatting merrily with Emily. Maybe he wouldn't pull off his prank- maybe he had changed. After all, he had a decent girlfriend now, so wouldn't he be afraid to play pranks in case she didn't approve? With that cheering thought, the tables cleared and the school choir got up to the front of the room, dressed in the same long black robes with golden song books and gathered together on stands. As they prepared to sing, Dumbledore got to his feet again.

"I think we should have our Head Boy and Girl open the dance," he said, his eyes twinkling mischievously. "Miss Evans and Mr. Potter, if you wouldn't mind?"

I glanced up at Nate in shock. He looked down at me, his jaw clenched, then smiled wryly and jerked his head forward. "Have fun." I wrinkled my nose at him as James Potter walked toward me, not smiling for once, and offered his hand, bowing slightly. I rolled my eyes and took it, following him onto the empty dance floor. He stopped suddenly, turning to face me, his face unreadable, but clearly not pleased.

"Put your hand on my shoulder," he said in a low voice. I did so, taken aback, and he rested his hand on my back.

"I hope you know how to dance," I shot scathingly at him as we waited for the music to start. He looked at me with annoyance. "All purebloods do," he said in a low voice. "But I guess you wouldn't know."

I recoiled, hurt, and the choir started to sing, chiming bells and violins playing as we started dancing, my skirt swishing on the floor as we moved across the floor. He wasn't lying, though, when he said he had danced before- he led me through the dance gracefully, his steps lithe and graceful. My hand curled slightly tighter around his.

"I'm sorry," he said after we had danced for several minutes in silence. "That was uncalled for. I shouldn't have . . ."

"No," I agreed, but appeased all the same. "It's okay- I did take lessons at a dance school when I was young." He looked at me in surprise. "Really? I guess that's why you're good at it." I blushed, ducking my hair so that my loose hair fell into my face as some sort of a cover. "I hated it," I confessed. "Everyone kept stepping on my toes. And there were more girls than boys, so I had to dance with my sister." I shuddered at the recollection.

James laughed, gazing over my head at the crowds of students beginning to take their partners and join us so that it wasn't so awkward. I looked around him as well, and saw Emily, her arms crossed over her chest, watching us sullenly. I looked away from her, feeling slightly guilty, and then annoyed that I was guilty. It's not like he was, well, cheating on her with me.

For a moment, there was silence but for the swishing of my skirts. I glanced up at James. The suit really did work for him- making his shoulders broader than ever, more manly than before. His hair looked good smoothed down, I'd have to admit, but I liked it better out of control- it was more James that way. He caught me staring at him and looked at me questioningly. I looked away quickly, trying as best as I could not to admire how lovely his hazel eyes were. Really. You'd think I _liked _him.

"So, obsessed with James Bond, are you?" I asked teasingly, to cover up the awkward silence. He grinned. "Hard not to be," he admitted. "It's everything I like- violence, fast cars and women." he looked away, flustered, as he went on, "shame wizards don't have movie theaters. I'd visit them all the time."

"But James Bond had a gun," I joked. "Don't you have one?"

"Actually," he reached his hand inside his jacket, and drew out a small, silver pistol. "I do." I shrieked and pushed away from him, grabbing his wrist and twisting it around so that the gun fell into my hand. He looked at me in shock for a moment, than broke out laughing.

"Do you think Dumbledore would let me have an armed Muggle weapon?" he choked out, clutching his stomach. "Honestly, Lily, it's a water gun." He took it out of my hands and pulled the trigger- a stream of water squirted out, barely missing my skirt and spraying the ground. I blushed, taking his hand again and resting my hand on his shoulder.

"Sorry," I said without really meaning it. "I still wouldn't trust you with a water gun, though." I said shrewdly, eyeing his jacket suspiciously.

"You don't trust me?" he asked in a hurt voice. My stomach dropped. We would get into another argument for sure, and not talk for weeks. I looked at him warily. "Of course I- don't you-" he laughed at the expression on my face. "Relax- I'm just kidding. Well . . . I know you don't trust me."

I looked away. "Sorry," I said softly, glancing up to meet his eyes. "I know I should . . ."

"No, actually, it's better that you don't," he said matter-of-factly. "People don't usually trust me- just like me." He grinned vainly, and I tried and failed to resist the urge to roll my eyes. He laughed at my expression.

The music ended on a long, high note, and I stepped back from James. He took my hand in his, and raised it up to his mouth, his eyes boring into mine as he kissed it, his lips warm and soft against my hand. I blushed and looked away, and he dropped it awkwardly. "Thank you," I said earnestly, as Nate came walking through the crowd of people to collect me. He grinned. "Anytime. You're a pretty good dancer."

"You're not bad, yourself." I teased him, and he smiled back, before glancing at Nate and turning his back to disappear through the crowd. _Probably to find Emily_, I thought sourly, as Nate caught up with me.

"May I have this dance?" He asked, doing a over-exaggerated bow in front of me. I laughed, taking his outstretched hand. He twirled me around under it, my hair spinning, pulling me closer against him. I smiled, realizing for the first time just how tall he was- I barely came up to his shoulder- and put my arms around his neck and he pressed his palms to the small of my back. We swayed slightly to the music, barely moving our feet. "I didn't know you could dance like that," Nate teased, tugging slightly on my waist to bring me closer. I sighed, deciding that he was too tall to look up into his face as he talked, and instead pressed my cheek against his tunic, breathing in the slight scent of musk as I did. "I'd rather it was you I was dancing with," I muttered truthfully. James, well, I wasn't sure what to think when I was around him. I wasn't sure if he was my friend or if I detested him. He was never the same two days in a row. Nate, on the other hand, was reliable.

The choir didn't sing the entire time- many of them wanted to dance with the dates they had brought, so the teachers ended up letting the ghosts perform; they had been asking for a chance to do it all night- a huge mistake, if they had asked me, but of course they didn't. The music they struck up sounded like saws, their singing more of wailing and moaning than real notes. I winced slightly, my ears ringing at the sound of fingernails on blackboards and shuddered.

We danced until I never wanted to dance again, Nate spinning and dipping me, making me laugh, until my feet were aching in my tight shoes. I finally pulled away from him, keeping his hand in mine. "Can we sit?" I asked, my breathing heavy, dragging him over to the tables before he could resist, pulling out a chair and sinking into it with a sigh of relief, pulling my shoes off and wiggling my bare toes. Nate laughed, sliding into the chair next to mine and stretching out his long legs, mine own puny compared to him.

And then there was an explosion, loud as thunder from above. People on the dance floor shrieked, stopping their dancing to run for the edges of the Hall, their hands covering their head, and I laughed when I realized what they were running from, craning my neck to look up. On the enchanted ceiling, blending in with the rain and lightning were fireworks exploding against the darkness, bright flashes of red, yellow, blue and green sparks lighting up the whole hall. I sighed, gazing up at the beautiful sight, while Nate slipped his arm around my shoulder beside me. I snuggled into him, resting my head on his shoulder as I looked up, at the grand finale, the loud booms echoing through the silent hall, every eye captivated. I wondered- was this the teacher's idea of a good ending to the dance, and they didn't consult with us?

And then I laughed out loud, as the sparks burned out into darkness, and then looping, colorful letters wrote themselves across the sky; "Happy Halloween! Best wishes, Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs," before burning out into golden sparks. People applauded, cheering and whistling. I looked around to see James, looking awfully pleased with himself, basking in the center of attention. I smirked. I also knew the part of the dare- he had to give the credit to Sirius. I figured he wouldn't like that very much.

"Who are Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs?" Nate asked from beside me, pulling me back over to sit in the chairs.

"No idea," I lied. I still didn't know why they insisted on calling themselves such awful nicknames, but I wasn't about to spoil it for James. Nate shrugged, curiosity etched into his face.

I looked around the dance floor, watching my friends- Aria dancing exuberantly with Sirius, who was laughing at something she had said while still somehow managing to dance perfectly; Raye slow-dancing with Fabian Prewitt; Olivia in a corner talking with Luke; and- my stomach churned. Emily and James kissing in the corner of the Hall, their lips seemed glued together, his hands clutching her waist, hers on his face. I looked away quickly, trying not to show any of the hurt or disgust I was feeling on my face. It was entirely for Emily, I told myself. I didn't want her throwing herself away on a boy like that, anyway.

"Are you all right?" Nate asked, his brows furrowed, grabbing my chin to turn it toward him. I smiled, trying to push the concern away from his face. "I'm fine," I lied. "Just a bit tired, is all." A crease remained on his forehead, but he made a good show of seeming reassured, getting to his feet and offering his hand to pull me up.

"What are you doing?" I asked, grabbing his hand and getting to my feet. He didn't let go, twisting his fingers through mine and squeezing them gently. "I'm taking you back upstairs," he told me firmly. "It's getting late, and you're tired. Come on," he smiled, pulling me gently after him as he skirted around the crowd of dancers and out the double doors, through the entrance hall and up the empty marble staircase, our footsteps loud and echoing in the empty hall. The way up to the Gryffindor tower was quiet, the majority of the students still at the dance. The Fat Lady was talking with another portrait in her painting, and both turned to look at us with knowing smirks on their faces. I blushed, looking away from the gazes of the portraits as Nate said the password, climbing in as the Fat Lady swung open. The common room was still abandoned, only a few people sitting in armchairs around the fire, but Nate turned to face me anyway.

"Thanks for a great time," I told him, looking earnestly up into his face. He smiled, reaching his hand out to push my hair away from my face. It lingered on my cheek. "I should be thanking you." He hesitated, before leaning in to press his lips against mine. I froze, but his mouth was warm and moving gently, so I tilted my face upwards and brought my hand up to rest on his chest. This was nothing like kissing Severus- that had been awkward and wrong. But this . . . kissing Nate . . . felt _right_. Felt almost natural. I sighed against his mouth, and he pulled away, grinning.

"I've been wanting to do that for so long," he said in a low voice, tracing the shape of my mouth with his finger. I exhaled heavily, reaching up on my tip toes to press my lips against his cheek. "I'm glad you did," I whispered against his skin, and his arms wrapped around me as his lips found mine again, stronger and more confidently this time, parting them slightly.

"I should . . . go," I finally mumbled against his lips, but he only clutched me tighter against his chest, sighing and drawing his head back a few inches from mine, so that our breath mixed, but I could look up into his eyes. "Do you want to go out with me again?" He asked, eyes boring into mine. I nodded, reaching up to brush a lock of hair that fell in front of his eyes away. I leaned up to give him a quick kiss on the lips, then pulling away to walk back up to the dormitories. "Good night!" I called over my shoulder, unable to keep the smile off of my face as I climbed the steps, down the hall and pushed open my dormitory door. Sara was already there, carefully unplaiting her hair and smiling at me.

"Did you have a good time?" she asked, shaking out her loose hair. I grinned, sitting down on my bed and watching as she ran a brush slowly through it. "It was amazing," I said dreamily, grabbing my pajamas and heading toward the bathroom, where I would take a long, hot, relaxing bath and concentrate on how good it felt to have Nate kissing me, and not on the image of James and Emily snogging at all.

**A/N **

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	11. Chapter 11

**I'm sorry**

Chapter 11

It was a strange sensation, I supposed, knowing that I had a boyfriend. For that's what Nate was to me, even though he hadn't asked me officially to be his girlfriend. I knew. You didn't just kiss anyone. Suddenly there was this whole other way to how people looked at you, with jealousy, admiration, even affection, as though watching you and your boyfriend kiss and hold hands was cute. I was always worried- what if Nate found me boring, and didn't want to be with me anymore? What if he found somebody else that he liked more? But as the days went by without any change, I became more comfortable, more confident with him.

My friends weren't nearly supportive as I thought they would be, more skeptical. "Are you sure about this?" Raye asked again and again, biting her lip, her eyebrows pulled together over her eyes in a look of consternation. But I was sure, more sure than I had been ever, and they had accepted Nate and his friends into our little circle, expanding to sit with them at lunch and lessons.

Aria was just as excited as I was at the time, though about a completely different reason. She and Sirius had hit it off on their date, according to her, and ended up snogging in the rose garden. Though it was more information than I ever wanted to know, they were now 'dating', or about as close to it as Sirius Black could ever get, holding hands and kissing through Herbology as we gagged and mimed vomiting.

The days slowly slipped by, the cold weather coming more harshly, blowing cold drafts through the gaps in the castle, colder than it had been for years, so that we took to wearing winter hats and scarves in the halls between classes. The days were growing shorter, and it was harder to wake up each morning to pitch darkness, sleepy and freezing.

Early one morning in November, the wind was howling like a pack of angry wolves outside, and I was seated at the Gryffindor table with Nate, eating my breakfast unenthusiastically. I had a bad headache from the night before, when James and Sirius had insisted on keeping the entire Common Room up due to a bout of loud and extremely bad karaoke singing, finally ending at me blowing up and screaming in their faces.

"Lily?" I looked up, and my spoon slipped from my fingers and clattered against the nearly empty porridge bowl. There was Severus Snape, his hair less greasy than normal, not wearing his usual black robes, but a sweater over trousers, peering down at me. I furrowed my eyebrows. "What?"

"Can I walk you to Potions?" He asked tentatively, throwing an unhappy look at Nate. I glanced at him as well. He was staring at Snape, looking utterly perplexed, but shrugged when he saw me watching him and tilted his head. I sighed, getting to my feet and smoothing out my robes and swinging my book bag over my shoulder. "Lead the way."

He walked out of the hall, stuffing his hands into his pockets awkwardly and glancing over his shoulder at me. I caught up with him, swinging my long hair to act as a curtain between us. "What's up?"

He sighed. "I want to apologize. I know I . . . shouldn't have said what I did before." My throat tightened, and I looked away awkwardly. Did he really have to bring this up, now? "It's all right," I lied, trying to smile at him.

"Thanks," he said unhappily. "But I shouldn't have ruined our friendship like that. I was just wondering . . . Would you forgive me and forget what I said?"

I hooked my thumb under the strap of the book bag, considering. "I can forgive you," I said slowly. "But I'm not going to forget. I can't forget, even though you want me to. Sev . . . You can't just spring something like that on me." I smiled at him, so that he wouldn't take offense. I was glad to see that he grinned back. It was an improvement on his face.

"I know," he agreed. "But, seriously, Lily, I-I shouldn't've done that. But I don't want to scare you off- you're my best friend."

I sighed. I couldn't tell him the same- honestly, I had better best friends than Sev, but I rested my hand lightly on his arm to comfort him. "Thank you," I said sincerely. "You . . . well, you might've scared me off a little, but we'll always be friends." I punched him lightly on the arm. He looked taken aback, but smiled nervously all the same.

"Well, well, well, what have we here?" I looked up in shock to see James Potter, outside the Potions classroom, hands in his pockets and leaning against the doorway in an almost attractive fashion. I raised my eyebrows at him, and saw, out of my peripheral vision, Severus' hands clench into fists.

"What do you want, Potter?" He spat at the other black-haired boy, his eyebrows contracting over his hooked nose. James looked surprised. "I was just wondering what you had to do to get Evans to talk to you." He jerked his chin at me, grinning, as though I was supposed to enjoy his treatment of Snape. "Did you threaten her family, or is it a charm?"

I seethed. The jibe about my family didn't exactly float well, as I had just lost my mother in a situation of sorts like that. I stepped forward, poking him in the chest with a menacing finger. "You shut up, Potter," I growled at him, glaring up at his cheerful face. "You can't talk to my friend like that."

Severus looked pleased, but Potter looked shocked. "Your friend?" He leaned down closer, as though talking confidentially to me. "How can you stand to call Snivellus a _friend_? He's not worthy to pick up your trash. Mark my words, he's going to let you down one day."

I stepped backward, revulsion etched in every line of my face. "He's not worthy? I'll tell you what, _Potter_, he's a lot more worthy of being my friend than you could ever be." I looked over at Severus, to see him reaching into his robes to draw out his wand.

"Sev, no!" I yelped, throwing myself toward him to yank it away, but James beat me to it, reaching into his own pocket and shooting a well-aimed jinx which caused his shoelaces to glue themselves together. He fell down, face forward onto the cold stone floor, and I disarmed James, rushing over to help Sev up, quickly casting the countercharm before turning, livid, to James.

"I can't believe you," I snarled, not sure where all my animosity was coming from. "I can't believe I ever thought you were different, that I wouldn't mind being friends with you. You're just the same- you care more about your self and your stupid fan club than you could ever care about other people. You haven't changed a bit!" I threw his wand down at his feet, gave him one last contemptuous glare before storming off into the classroom, leaving both boys behind.

*

Aria knew better than to ask me what was wrong as she sat down next to me, swinging her bag over the table and greeting me cheerfully. I scowled at her as she rumpled up my hair, and propped her textbook up as some kind of a shield from the spit balls Olivia was shooting at us.

I couldn't believe what had just happened. How could Potter have done that? I had really thought he was different, even beginning to accept him and like him. Not like that, I quickly corrected myself in my mind. Only as a friend. I pressed my palms to my flaming cheeks, wondering at my own stupidity. This wasn't the first time I had been wrong about somebody, and it certainly wouldn't be the last.

But why did I care anyway? I wasn't especially close to James Potter, didn't really talk with him these days. So what did it matter to me that he hadn't changed from being an arrogant bastard, that he jinxed my friends and was rude to them, when I'd finally learned to accept him? I had no answer, but I felt betrayed, and it hurt badly. I sniffed, squeezing my hands against my forehead and trying to block out my thoughts.

"Lily," Aria hissed, elbowing me in the side. I jerked out of my stupor, looking around at Slughorn, who was staring at me intently.

"What?" I whispered to her, feeling my cheeks flare up again.

"Just say powdered horn of unicorn." She said under her breath, turning her head to the side so it didn't look like she was talking to me.

"Powdered horn of unicorn?" I said uncertainly, more of a question than a statement. Slughorn beamed. "Exactly!" He said proudly. "Then you need to chop up asphodel root, add it to the mixture, stir counter clockwise for thirty minutes . . ."

"Thank you," I whispered to Aria. She smiled. "No problem. You looked a little . . . preoccupied." She raised her eyebrows at me. Without thinking, I glanced over at James, who was sitting in the front row, slouched in his seat and looking no more happy than I was.

I cornered Severus when Potions was over, packing my bag quickly and falling into step behind him, grabbing his arm and swinging him around when his friends weren't looking. He looked momentarily annoyed, then slightly sheepish at the sight of my angry face.

"Listen," I said, squeezing his arm with my hand, probably tighter than I should have, but I didn't care. "I want you and Potter to _try _to get along, at least. I'm sick of breaking you two up from fighting, and I don't want to keep shouting at you."

He glowered. "Lily, you- you aren't _friends_ with him, are you?"

"Friends?" I laughed. "Friendly, I guess. Or at least we were. Kind of. I'm not so sure."

"He didn't want to be just friends," he remarked snidely. I glared. "What is wrong with you? I have a boyfriend, Potter has a girlfriend. He doesn't like me like that anymore. If he ever did."

He looked momentarily stunned. "You have a boyfriend?"

Whoops. Too late to remember that Severus liked me- in that way. I ignored the slightly guilty feeling in my gut and tossed my hair behind my shoulders. "Look, all I want you to do is to promise me that you won't go attacking Potter again."

"Attacking- P-Potter . . . he attacked me!" he spluttered, sharp cheekbones flushing indignantly.

"I know. But you're not completely innocent, Sev. Be the better person, far better than James Potter could ever be. At least say you'll try."

He sighed, adjusting the strap on his shoulder that held up the many books inside his bag. "I guess . . . But I'm not saying I won't defend myself against him."

I sighed. I guessed that was the best I could hope for, and gave him a smile. "Thanks," I said, turning to leave, my hair swinging around my shoulders and back. As I walked out the door, my eyes caught Potter's, who's were wide and surprised. He had heard every word I had said, and he didn't look too happy.

*

Classes finally ended for the day. I had had enough with awkward silences, stormy glares and tense moments and ran up to the dormitories as soon as I could, changing into pajama pants and curling up on my bed with a good book, flipping the pages contentedly as Olivia's cat purred and rubbed her jaw against my fingers. Outside, the wind was howling and a light rain was falling, but I was perfectly content, happy to block out any unhappy thoughts of Potter or Severus.

Footsteps on the dormitory stairs. They sounded angry, hurried and loud. I looked up from the pages as the footsteps grew louder, until they stopped outside our dorm and the door flew open.

"Aria!" I got to my feet, throwing my book down on the bed as she stormed into the dormitory, eyes flashing, hands shaking with fury. I'd never seen her like this before; she was normally a gentle person. "What's wrong? Tell me . . ."

She paced in front of me, hair flying behind her angrily, her jaw set. "I cannot believe him," she muttered, clenching her hands into fists at her sides. "How could he do something like that to me? I thought I'd changed him . . . Urgh! I could kill him!"

"What happened?" I asked urgently, flopping down on her bed as she perched herself precariously on the edge, still looking as though she was going to murder the next person who bothered her. She glared at me, pushing her hair away from her face. "Sirius," she growled, scrunching up her nose at his name. "He just . . ."

With horror, I saw tears in her eyes, and she crumpled, her anger deserting her for sadness instead. "Aria," I said sympathetically, wrapping my arm around her shoulders. "Don't cry over him. Come on, tell me what he did so I can go beat him up."

She gave a watery laugh, wiping her eyes. She never cried. "I saw him . . . just now . . . in a deserted classroom . . . with . . ." She choked out. I groaned as she rested her head on my shoulder and started to cry again. I couldn't say I hadn't expected this. Sirius had a reputation of being a player, a ladies' man. She didn't need to tell me what she had seen- I knew what it had been- Sirius kissing another girl.

"Who is she?" I asked, smoothing her hair down over the top of her head. "So I can find her and hunt her down . . ."

"No, Lily," she pulled away, sighing and pressing her the heels palms to her eyes. "That's the problem. She . . . she's not a bad person, I honestly like her. I just can't believe that he would do that to me."

I hugged her tightly, patting her back absently as I thought about the ways I could get revenge. "What do you think we should do to him? We could put poison in his pumpkin juice . . . Slip cockroaches into his sheets . . . Chase him around the school with a knife . . ."

She groaned, falling onto her back on the bed, her hands still covering her eyes. "Nothing. Just don't talk to him, if he talks to you." She gave a shaky gasp, and let out a sob. "I loved him!" She cried out, pulling her hands away to stare at me with tortured eyes. "And I thought he did, too, But he's never going to change. I should have realized, that I couldn't make him give up who he was. I hope he loves her." Her voice was bitter as I stretched out beside her. This was sounding strangely familiar. She turned over, burying her face into her pillow, her hair splayed out over her back, her shoulders shaking as she sobbed, the sound muffled. I rubbed my hand soothingly over her back, pushing her hair out of the way.

I was going to get Sirius Black back for this if it was the last thing I did.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Aria wasn't in a much better mood the next morning- her eyes bloodshot and puffy, her hair looking as though an owl tried to nest in it. She sat on her bed, legs drawn up so that she could rest her chin on her knees, staring out the window bleakly, looking like death, wearing a pale pink bathrobe, and bare feet. I had told the other girls in the dormitory what had happened the night before, so that there would be no awkward questions in the morning, and we were doing our best to tip toe around her, avoiding asking questions.

Aria refused to come down to breakfast with us, only shaking her head and closing her eyes momentarily when I asked. I smoothed the hair away from her face affectionately, before leaving. I glanced out the windows as I turned away from the portrait hole. It was a beautiful day- the sunlight streaming in a way that was just too unfair for Aria. Why should it be so nice outside when her love life had just been ruined?

Breakfast was over quickly, and I grabbed a stack of buttered toast before the dishes disappeared, wrapping them up in my napkin and tucking the parcel into my pocket. I got up to leave, waving to Raye and Olivia, and was just walking out the door when a hand grabbed my arm. I looked around to find the owner, and my eyes narrowed.

"What the hell do you want?" I spat at Sirius Black.

He groaned. "I guess Aria told you. A little sympathy would be nice."

"I'll give you sympathy," I snarled, reaching out for his neck. Something solid seemed to stop me, but all I could see was thin air. My arms dropped and I looked around, confused, before seeing James Potter put his wand back into his pocket. He must have used the Shield Charm. He looked up and winked when he saw me watching, and I seethed.

"Look, Lily," Black said, getting to his feet and coming closer so that nobody but me could hear what he was saying. "I know you're angry with me. I'm angry with myself, too."

"Well, that's rich." I rolled my eyes. "I'm sure you're _really_ sorry that you decided to take the first slut that came to you, because my best friend wouldn't put out."

He looked away awkwardly. "I just want to talk to her."

"Why would I let _you _talk to her?" I asked incredulously. "Have you even seen her? She's not talking to us. All she's doing is sitting on her bed, looking miserable. You're not going to hurt her even more, not while I'm here."

"Since when have you become her guardian?" He asked angrily. "I want to apologize to her. I think she deserves that."

"She doesn't need anything to do with you. And if you think you could make her feel better, you need to think again."

"I don't want her hurt," Black said, and as I watched him, I could tell that he actually meant it. "Look- at least ask her to talk to me. I'll be waiting outside the Great Hall. It's her choice whether she wants to or not. I just don't want there to be hard feelings between us."

"Oh, there will be." I couldn't help myself. He rolled his eyes. "Just lay off me, all right? I don't want to fight with her best friend. How do you think she'd like that?"

I sighed. He was right. She would want to attack him herself. "Fine. I'll tell her. But don't be surprised if she doesn't come." I turned on my heels and walked away, back up to Aria.

*

"I brought you breakfast," I ventured, entering the dormitory and putting down the stack of toast at Aria's feet. She looked down, then sighed.

"I don't want it," she mumbled, burying her mouth into her arms. "I'm not hungry." I sat down next to her and put my arm around her back. "Aria," I said gently, nudging the toast with my foot. "Look. Sir- uh, he wants to talk to you."

Her back stiffened, coming protectively up to her chin. "I don't want to talk with him. He doesn't have to explain anything. I already know what I need to."

"At least give him a chance," I argued. "I don't think so, but . . . he might surprise you."

"I don't want to give anyone a chance. I'm not going to date again until I'm out of Hogwarts. Maybe not even then." She sounded serious.

"Aria!" I said fiercely, digging my fingers into her shoulder and swinging her head around. "Look at me!" I waited until her eyes were locked on mine, misty and unresponsive. "What is wrong with you? What happened to the Aria I know and love?"

She looked away, out towards the window and sunlight. "She had her heart broken."

I sighed. "Aria, you're too good to throw yourself over Sirius Black. He's a boy. You're so much more than that! How many other girls do you think he's cheated on? Do you ever see any of them sitting and crying on their bed day and night? He should be the one crying over you, not the other way around." She said nothing, only reached up to brush a tear away from her cheek.

"Aria." I put my arm around her. "Go out and live. Eat something. Date again. I don't know- make him feel as bad as you feel right now. Show him that you don't need him to be happy."

She gulped, turning around to look at me, and I could see the pain and vulnerability in her face. "But- I don't know how to trust another boy again. What if they let me down again? I can't go through this again."

"You won't know unless you've given some of them a chance. Sirius Black is the only boy you've been attached to. I mean, you've dated, yes," I corrected as Aria opened her mouth. "But you've never loved any of them before. And he won't be the only one. You're never going to have a perfect relationship, but there's no reason you shouldn't try."

"Easy for you to say," she muttered. "You have Nate."

I chose to ignore that. "Just talk to him, Air. Let him try to explain himself and forgive him, or else tell him there's no way you'll ever like him again. You owe him that much."

"I don't owe him anything." She said fiercely, but got to her feet and stretched, running her fingers through her hair. I handed her a hair tie, and she swept the tangled locks away from her face. Aria grabbed a shirt and went into the bathroom to change before coming out. It looked good- a lightweight, pale collared shirt with a pair of fraying jeans. I never would have guessed that she had been crying on her bed only an hour before.

"Where is he?" She asked in a relatively controlled voice, tossing her robe onto her bed. I told her, watching as she walked out of the dormitory, hair swinging behind her, and only hoped that she wouldn't let herself get hurt anymore than she already was.

*

Aria walked through the hallway, crossing her arms protectively over her chest. She didn't want to do this. The only reason she was going to do it was because of Lily. God, that girl could make an impressive argument when she wanted to. She was going to make a great mother one day, once she would realize that she and James were meant to be together. She laughed slightly at the look on Lily's face if she'd mentioned it.

She sighed, as her mind drifted back to the reason she was there, and a hollow feeling started in the middle of her chest. The boy she had loved had been cheating on her all this time, and now he wanted to talk to her. Why should she listen to what he had to say?

He was waiting outside the great hall, hands stuffed into his pockets, leaning against the wall, his hair falling into his face. Girls walking by were shooting him covetous glances, which only made her even more angry with him. He didn't deserve to look so handsome and perfect when she was so broken up inside.

She came to a stop in front of him, raising her eyebrows. He pushed himself off the wall, rolling up his white shirt so that she could see the strong arms underneath the sleeves, the tanned skin and lean tendons. She could remember when those arms were around her, holding her tight to him. She looked away, forcing the tears back into her eyes.

"Ari." Sirius got into step beside her, turning to grin at her. She clenched her fists, nails digging into her arms, but otherwise replied civilly. "Sirius."

"Look." He grabbed her shoulders, and she shrugged him off at once. "I'm sorry, love. I-I didn't mean to-"

She laughed. "What, you didn't mean to be kissing another girl? Or you didn't mean to be found out?" He winced, and she knew she had hit the mark. "And don't call me 'love'," she snapped. "Obviously, I'm not yours."

"Aria," he said again, and her name sounded strange and formal on his tongue. She couldn't remember him ever calling her by her first name in all the time that they were dating. It was always pet names; 'sweetheart', 'darling', or 'love'. She held back a snort as she realized why. It must have been because he had too many girlfriends to remember all their names.

"Aria, you scare me," he said, taking a step back from her. She looked at him in shock. Was he actually being open to her for once? "I thought you were a . . . well, one of those girls that would do anything for boys. I never knew you could actually love me."

She looked away, clenching her jaw. She didn't want to be reminded of what a fool she had been.

"And I'm sorry I couldn't tell you I loved you back. I'm not capable to love. I- it doesn't work for me. And most of the girls I hook up with don't really like me for who I am. They only want the sex as much as I do." She winced, not wanting to be reminded of that.

"But you're the perfect girl, Aria. You're beautiful and smart, and funny, and . . . you need someone who loves you. But that's not me. I wish it could be, but it's not."

"So what are you saying?" Aria asked, and she was embarrassed to hear her voice thick and sad. She cleared her throat and tried again. "That you don't even like me?"

"No!" He took a step forward, grabbing her arm, but again she pulled away. His face was anguished, his hair flattened on one side, half of his mouth pointing upward, the other half tugging down at the corner. "Of course not. I'm saying that I don't deserve you."

"All right." She stood up taller, looking away. "I'll just go and not bother you again."

"No." She looked back at him, and saw that his hands were covering his eyes. "I'm going to try," he said fiercely. "I want to try to love you. I'm not saying that it'll work, but I do like you, Aria. And I . . . I promise that this will never happen again." He opened his arms, looking hopeful.

She considered him. She wanted to be in those arms so badly that it hurt, it hurt badly, an actual tugging on her heartstrings, and she wished she could believe him. "I know it won't happen again." She said firmly, making up her mind. "Because I'm not going to go back to you. I know about your family, Sirius." He looked up, surprised, and she smiled. "James told me, ages ago. I've known about them all along. But, they don't control what you do. They're not the reason why you're not open to love. You can choose by yourself. And until you do, I can assure you, I don't want anything to do with you."

He winced, but nodded acceptingly. She turned away and walked back down the hall, up the stairs, and to the Gryffindor tower room, tears overflowing in her eyes. He didn't follow her.

**A/N- I know I haven't updated in more than two weeks. I'm so sorry. I can assure you this time, it won't be that long next time. I know where I'm going next chapter. **

**Big thanks to Ginnzgirl, who gave me the idea for this chapter! And, thanks to everybody who told me to get my pen writing again!**

**So what do you think? Do you understand Sirius now? Don't worry if you think he didn't get what he deserved- he's still got Lily's wrath to deal with. :)**

**Please review!**


	13. Chapter 13

A/N- Well, I didn't update before the holiday. I got horribly sick the weekend we had to leave, and the place we went to had lousy internet. However, I did write down this chapter, as well as the next in my notebook, so I promise you the next update will be MUCH sooner. I've also managed to plan out the next 7 or 8 chapters (7 or 8????? Don't worry, there's going to be way more than that!!!!), so I think it'll be easier on me to write all of this.

Thank you to all who have reviewed, favorited, or put my story on alert. I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to me when I get home to have an email in my mailbox saying that someone liked my story. You guys keep me going ;)

Ooh, guess what? My dad broke his shoulder. We were skiing down a double black diamond (respond if you've been down one before!) and he fell on one of the moguls. It was horrible, and my brother and I were too far away to do anything but watch as the medics helped him.

Did anyone even care about that?

Random fact of the day: did you know that yellow candy hearts taste like lemon cleaning supplies? Respond if you agree!

Sorry about this obscenely long author's note, but I've really missed you guys. Hope you enjoy the chapter!

Chapter 13

The fireplace was warm and cozy, kindling snapping and flames dancing as I sat, curled up in an armchair next to Nate. My feet were propped on his legs, and his hand was circling my ankle as we watched the fire. Outside, through the high glass windows it was snowing. Clumps of white drifted peacefully down in curtains, stark against the black skies.

It was late, and the common room was crowded, full of people talking happily, playing wizarding chess, doing homework and just relaxing. I yawned, covering my mouth with my hand and wiped my now-watering eyes.

"The Hogsmeade trip is this weekend," Nate remarked suddenly. I looked around at him. "Is it really?" Time was going by so quickly. It was already the beginning of December, and Christmas was just weeks away.

"Do you want to go with me?" He asked, somewhat shyly. I smiled, about to say yes when a thought struck me.

"How would I get a present for you if we were shopping together?"

"Very subtle," he teased, giving my socked foot a little shake. "You're supposed to keep me wondering if you like me enough to celebrate Christmas with me."

"Oops," I laughed, grabbing his hand before he could touch my foot again and lacing my fingers through his. "Well, hypothetically speaking, of course."

"We'll go with everyone," he replied, pressing the palms of our hands together. "My friends and yours. Then we can separate and find presents at our will."

"And have drinks in the Three Broomsticks when we're finished," I added, my mind already made up. "Of course I will. It'll be fun." He nodded, bringing the back of my hand up to his face so that he could lean his cheek against it.

A clearing of a throat made me look around, and Nate dropped our intertwined fingers. My mouth fell open.

"What do you think?" Aria was standing before us, but it wasn't an Aria I was familiar with. Her hair was long and loose, falling down her back in gentle waves, her eyes outlined with dark kohl, her lips painted bright red. She was wearing a form-fitting black leather jacket over a lacy white tanktop, with skintight black jeans that seemed to go on for miles.

"Where are you going like _that_?" I asked her, still in shock. "Merlin, Aria, you're not going on a-"

"A date? I am." She said proudly, doing a little pirouette so that I could take in the full effect of the outfit.

"Not with-" I began, but she interrupted again. "With Amos Diggory. You know him, Hufflepuff, seventh year . . ."

"Oh . . . _him_." I remembered all right. "He always seemed like a bit of a pushover to-"

"He's not bad," Nate interrupted this time, who had been staring at Aria. "Bit full of himself, to tell you the truth, but he's a good guy."

"I didn't know you liked him," I said, turning back to Aria. "He always seemed below your standards."

"I thought I'd try somebody new," she said happily. "You were always telling me not to get too hung up over Sirius, to try date other people. So . . . I am. I've got a different boy for each night, and I'll see if I can find somebody I like."

"Aria. . ." I tried to repress both a sigh and a laugh and failed miserably. "Just be careful, won't you? You don't know who's out there."

"Don't worry so much, Lily," she said airily, waving a hand. Her nails had been painted to match her mouth. "Amos is perfectly harmless. I'll see you two lovebirds later."

"Have fun!" I called after her retreating figure. "But not too much!" Giving no sign that she had heard me, she strolled past the collection of armchairs. More than a few people turned their heads to watch her. And, I was horrified to see, so did Sirius Black, lounging at a table with James Potter and Remus. His mouth was slightly agape, as though he couldn't believe his eyes, and his eyebrows drew together over the bridge of his nose, the corner of his mouth pointing downwards. He looked so sad that I couldn't help feel sorry for him. But then I remembered what he did and my anger at him came back full-fledged. All the same, as I watched Aria leave, I wondered if the outfit, so unlike her, had been for Amos, or Sirius.

"You worry too much," Nate informed me, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me closer. "I'm sure she'll be fine. How much trouble could she get up to in Hogwarts, anyway?"

"I know," I said grumpily, folding my arms over my chest. I wasn't sure I wanted the answer to that question, anyhow. "But it's in my nature to worry. It's practically programmed inside of me!" He snorted. I leaned into him, then laughed suddenly.

"What is it?"

"It's only . . . I don't know whether I'm more worried for Aria's sake, or the boys she's with."

*

I wanted to wait downstairs for Aria, but it was getting late, and I was getting more and more tired, so I kissed Nate good night and started towards the dormitory, stopping to grab my book bag from the abandoned table I had been working at. James Potter and Remus Lupin were sitting at the table to my left, and I was glad for the opportunity to speak with the latter.

"Remus!"

He looked up and gave a feeble attempt at a smile. "Hi, Lily." Up close, he looked more grey and tired than ever. A gash I hadn't noticed before was running down the length of his cheekbone.

"What's that from?" I asked curiously, tracing the shape of the cut onto my own cheek. His hand flew up to cover it, and he and James exchanged a significant look.

"Oh. . . it was an accident," he said vaguely. "Care of Magical Creatures class can be dangerous, you know."

"Well, I hope it heals," I shoved books into my bag at random and smiled at the boy, despite the feeling I had that he was leaving something out. "Hey, do you know when the Arithmancy essay is due?"

"Next Monday," he answered carelessly. "But you can always ask for help from Professor Vector, and get it in later."

"Is that what you do" James asked, grinning at Remus. The latter fixed the dark-haired boy with a look worthy of McGonagall. "Do you really think that?"

"Of course n-" his words were cut off as Emily came bouncing over, plunking herself down onto James' lap and stretching up to kiss his cheek. One look at her small frame and dainty features and I immediately felt awkward and out of place.

"I missed you," James told her, wrapping his long, Quidditch-toned arms around her and leaning down to kiss her properly. I looked away, my face heating, and threw my essay into my bag, ignoring the trembling of my fingers.

"I love you," Emily answered, somewhat shyly in my opinion. I looked up sharply, in time to see a smile spread across James' face. "I love _you_," he answered, grinning. My grip around the ink bottle tightened, and the glass shattered, slicing my finger and drenching both myself and the floor in jet-black ink.

"Damn it," I muttered, reaching for my wand to mumble, _scourgefy. _The mess vanished, and I quickly slung my bag over my shoulder, sucking on my cut finger. "Sorry. . . carry on. . ."

"Let me get that," Remus said, standing up quickly and reaching for my hand, drawing out his wand from his back pocket. I withdrew it hastily, stuffing the offending appendage into my pocket. "No, really, it's all right. Good night, Remus. . . James. . . Emily."

"Good night, Lily," Remus answered, a look of sympathy on his face, as opposed to the looks of confusion on the other two's. I turned away and sprinted toward the dormitories, not stopping until I reached the safety of my bed, where I collapsed, burying my face into my hands and groaning.

When was I going to stop embarrassing myself in front of James Potter? I thought I was too old for this, now. But there was something. . . something in his eyes as he told Emily he loved her. The same look that he _used _to have around me, the same look that Nate now wore often when talking to me now. The same look that made my knees weaken and jealousy shoot through me.

It was completely irrational, but . . . James had had a crush on me for six years, I knew, and I had come to rely on it, even enjoy it. I never liked him like that- I never _would _like him like that- but I had grown so used to the idea that it was hard for me to grasp the concept that he had moved on.

But the jealousy . . .

Well, that was because Nate hadn't told me he loved me yet, and James could say it so easily to his girlfriend. Once Nate confessed his feelings for me, everything would be fine. I already knew that he liked me, anyway. Besides, I had nothing to be jealous of Emily about. She was dating _James Potter_, after all. If anything, I pitied her. No, Nate and I were perfect together, meant to be with each other. I loved him, I knew I did.

So why was all of this so confusing?

*

Aria came in from her date late, when I was sprawled across my bed, reading a magazine. I looked up at the sound of footsteps, and moments later she appeared, her face flushed, red lipstick smeared and hair rumpled.

"Oh- hi, Lily," she said in surprised, stopping abruptly in the doorframe. Her eyes traveled around the room. The other three girls were still awake, Olivia and Raye talking as Raye painted her toenails, and Sara sat reading a book from the library. "I didn't think anybody would be up."

"Where were you, dressed like _that_?" Raye asked, looking around. Clumps of toilet paper were separating her toes, which were being painted bright, neon blue.

"On a date," Aria said loftily, but I saw her cheeks flush pink. "_Not_ that it's any of you business."

"Where did you go?" Raye asked at the same time Olivia said eagerly, "who with?"

Aria considered them for a moment, then slid out of her jacket and pants and pulled on her pajamas- a baggy sleep shirt over plaid pants. "I went to the Astronomy Tower with Amos Diggory, if you must know," she sighed, wiping off her lipstick with a tissue and falling onto my bed beside me,

"So. . ." I curled my feet underneath me and watched as she took the magazine and flipped through it, stopping to read an article; _40 Ways to Know If He's Over You_.

"So. . . what?"

"So, how was it?" I asked, grabbing the magazine and flinging it to the floor. She sighed, turning over onto her back and folding her long-fingered hands over her stomach. "Pretty much a waste of time," she told us. "All he did was talk about himself- what he wanted to do when he leaves Hogwarts, all the grades he's gotten on homework assignments, NEWTs, all that stuff. And then he tells me he had a good time, and tried to kiss me."

"Aha!" Raye grinned. "The smeared lipstick is explained."

Aria rolled her eyes toward the ceiling. "But I didn't let him get much farther than that. So, here I am now." We sat in silence, watching her. "Are you going to go out with him again?" Olivia asked curiously.

"No. I told him not to both asking me again. I'm looking for someone to have _fun_ with, not a longtime boyfriend. And Amos wouldn't be either of those."

Raye and I exchanged a glance. "Aria," I said gently. "You do know what you're doing, don't you?"

She smiled at me, reaching up to pat my cheek. "Don't worry, Lily," she said sweetly. "I know exactly what I'm doing, and there's nothing wrong with it." She got to her feet and traipsed over to her own bed, tripping on her long pajama bottoms. I got up to turn out the lights, and made my way blindly back to my own bed.

Aria had reassured me, and I knew she could take care of herself. But, as I rolled over onto my stomach and bunched the sheets between my fingers, I couldn't help feeling apprehensive.

****

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8 out of 113. Does that sound like a fair number to you? Maybe it's just my math, but I don't think so. And yes, people, I do know all the user names of the people that have favorited/alerted. I could hunt you down and force you to review. Anyway, just think about that. I mean, that's about 7.079646017699115%. And yes, I did use a calculator.

So, please, please, please review!!!


	14. Chapter 14

A/N- Um. . . there's not really an excuse. I had the whole chapter written out ages ago, but I left the notebook that had it at school, and forgot it over the weekend. My computer's also been broken for the past week, and all I have is my crappy laptop, which refuses to upload chapters. My brother fixed my computer (it's handy having a nerd as a brother :), but it won't allow me to upload chapters either. So, I have to go back to chapter 13, delete all that writing and paste chapter 14 here. Oh, well. At least you get the chapter.

Chapter 14

And the next few nights, it was the same routine. Aria went up to the dormitories early, after school was over, and changed into clothes that looked gorgeous on her, but not like herself, always with the same heavy eye makeup and red lipstick. She would come back late, looking entirely dishevelled and complaining to us about the unfortunate boy she had been with.

"I don't know why I bother," she sighed on Wednesday night, changing out of a ridiculously short skirt and clinging top, smelling faintly of cigarette smoke. "I can't see myself being with any of them. Sirius is the only one I want."

And she looked so sad, with her baggy t-shirt, glittery eye makeup smudged and mouth quirking downward that I reached out automatically to pull her in for a hug. She snuffled on my shoulder, and I patted her hair, but then she pulled away and changed back into the blase girl she had been for the evening.

Aria was like my sister, my best friend, and I was worried for her. She didn't seem to have any limits on whom she dated or what she did with them. I could feel her pulling away from us, and the group wasn't the same without her. Now it was rare to hear her laugh, and her smiles were less and less frequent.

"Air, what's this bruise from?" I asked one morning, looking over to where she was tying her trainers. A mottled purple bruise bloomed around her thin wrist. She looked up, then pulled her long sleeve over the fragile skin hastily. "Nothing. Just. . . just an accident."

But she couldn't fool me. An accident? It was more likely that one of her 'dates' had been hitting her. Had she been hurting herself? I watched her get quickly up to her feet and leave, pain in my heart.

Hogsmeade weekend dawned bright and early Saturday morning, and I dressed quickly, throwing my robes over jeans and a long-sleeved shirt, pulling my hair back loosely with a ribbon and bounding down the stairs to the common room. Aria wouldn't be going with us- she had a date, again- but the rest of my dorm mates, plus Nate and his friends were talking animatedly on the sofas around the fire. I sat down next to Nate, smiling around at the group as he leaned over to kiss me. It was hard not to be in a good mood on a day as sunny and cheerful as today.

We traipsed down to breakfast, talking happily, and finished eating quickly. Filch was waiting by the door, a permanent scowl on his jowly face, and there was already a line of people ready to leave. We got in at the end, and moved forward slowly as the old caretaker ran his secrecy sensor over every student.

At last, we were out of the castle, breathing in the cold air, trudging through the dying grass and basking in the unexpected warmth from the sun. I swung our joined hands between us, and Nate laughed, sending puffs of breath into the air that spiraled upward and disappeared against the blue, blue sky.

Hogsmeade was crowded, most of the students haven gotten out of the castle to do some Christmas shopping. The main street looked emptier than I remembered it, a few more boarded up stores than there were before. Signs were posted around the street- hooded, gaunt faces glared down at us from the fraying parchment underneath the words, WANTED- 1,000 GALLEON REWARDS! I shivered as the hollowed eyes moved over me, the mouths open in endless screams as the bars of the jail cells they had been held in rattled underneath their thin fingers. Nate drew me protectively closer, and we passed through into the more cheerful, bustling swuare.

Finding a present for my father was easy- a tie that changed patterns according to the weather that day. It would amuse him, I knew, and he could probably find a place to wear it, if not to work. For Petunia, I bought a small box of Honeydukes chocolate, fully ready for her to send it back without a note, or throw it away. I was wondering what my mother would like, before I caught myself. She wouldn't be having Christmas with us. I took a deep breath, fighting back the stinging tears. It had been weeks. It shouldn't be a surprise anymore.

Nate, Raye, Olivia and Sara were more difficult, and I broke away from the group to scour the more obscure stores that I'd never noticed before. Finally, I thought I had the perfect gift for all my friends. I bought something for Aria before I could help myself. Maybe by Christmas she would have come to her senses.

It was in the last store that I saw it- a wizarding chess set in which all the pieces sang old Muggle tunes- the Beatles, Billy Joel. I stopped and gaped at it as a pawn broke into 'Hey, Jude.'

It was perfect, so completely perfect for James Potter that it took my breath away. I took the set into my hands, the pieces swawking indignantly, and took it up to the front counter. The old man at the counter put down the magnifying lense he had been polishing and plunged a gnarled hand into the green velvet bag, drawing out a rook and inspecting it.

"Ah, miss, you don't want this," he said remorsefully, as the rook immediately burst into a rousing rendition of Piano Man, the pawns humming in the background as the knights and bishops danced around. "It was in the back for a reason. The last manager wouldn't stop playing the Muggle radop, and the pieces took to it like a fish takes to water. It makes playing chess a real pain in the-"

"I'll take it," I reached into my bag and drew out the last couple of galleons I had. "How much?"  
The man squinted, examing the board, then named a price far lower than I had expected. Relieved, I paid for the set, waited as the man wrapped the pieces carefully for me, and went back out into the daylight.

And then I wondered what I had just done. What had possessed me to buy a Christmas present for James Potter that probably cost twice as much than what I had gotten for my boyfriend? Ah well. There was no taking it back now. After all, we were much friendlier with each other than we had ever been before. And wasn't it perfectly all right for the Head Girl to get a meaningless present for the Head Boy, regardless of the cost?

But what if James was embarrassed when he got it? There was no way he would have gotten a present for me. He would probably refuse it, or else never use it. Maybe he would even think I meant something more in giving it to him than I did myself.

Well, what was done was done. It was perfect for him, and he would love it, so there was no harm done. All the same, as I walked down the street to the Three Broomsticks, where the others would be waiting for me, I knew there was no way I was going to tell Nate what I had done.

*

On Sunday, it rained. It wasn't cold enough to freeze, so big, wet droplets splashed from above, melting the thin layer of frost and mixing with dirt to form mud, running over the grounds in rivulets, instead of perfect, white flakes drifting down.

I stayed inside, hovered over a table groaning from the weight of books and parchment. Seventh year was becoming unbearable. NEWTs were at the end of the year, but the teachers had the need to pile on so much homework that there was hardly time to get to classes, much less actually enjoy ourselves.

My quill stopped. I reread the paragraph, then scratched out the offending article. Ink spattered the entire parchment, and I fought back a cry of frustration and scrunched the paper into a ball, lobbing it directly into the fire, where crimson flames caught it with the tips of long fingers and it crumbled into soot.

"Nice shot."

I looked up. There was James Potter, pulling out the chair across from me and draping himself artfully over the limbs. I sighed and rubbed my temples, fighting back the blinding headache that I could feel coming. "What do you want?"

"_I_ don't want anything." I glared at him suspiciously, and he half-smiled and shook his head. "McGonagall wants us to patrol tonight. The teachers are up to their heads in preparing for their lessons, and it's the prefect's night off."

I groaned, giving in to the urge to slam the History of Magic textbook against my forehead. It made an impressingly large thwack, and probably left a red mark by the concerned way James was looking at me. "I have too much homework. . . McGonagall's essay is due tomorrow, and I still have to write about Devil's Snare for Sprout. Surely she'll understand. . ." I shut my mouth quickly when I realized I was whining.

He raised his shoulders in a _what-can-I-do _gesture. "I don't think she will. She nearly bit my head off when I told her I'd scheduled Quidditch practice."

I was mollified by that news. If James had given up his precious Quidditch practice- one that would have been held in the rain, no less- my homework could wait until tomorrow. I ran my hair absently through my long hair. "Fine. I'll meet you down here at eight?"

"Sounds good." He stood up to leave, then paused and reached toward my face. I froze. "you've got ink on your nose." His broad thumb wiped the tip of my nose, and I could scarcely breathe. He withdrew his hand and strode away, leaving the place where he'd touched me tingling. Surely I needed to sneeze.

*

It was eight-fifteen. I stood, waiting by the exit from the common room, tapping my foot and glancing repeatedly at my watch face.

Eight-twenty. Nothing.

Eight-twenty-five. Still no sign.

Eight-thirty. Footsteps coming down from the boy's dormitories, revealing torn blu ekeans, a striped polo, and finally, a head of tousled black hair.

"You're late."

"I know that." James said crossly, holding the portrait hole open for me and shoving his hands into his pockets as it shut behind us. "Remus is. . . sick. He didn't get much sleep last night, so I had to wait with him while Sirius got Poppy."

"Oh, I hope he'll be better." I winced, thinking of the frail boy going through another illness. He still hadn't recovered from last month's. And since when did James call Madame Pomfrey, 'Poppy'? "Up too late doing homework?"  
"Something like that," he said uncomfortably. The corridor outside the portrait hole was dark and empty. "So, got any plans for the holidays?"

"I don't know." I had the shrewd suspicion that he was changing the subject, but didn't feel the need to pursue it. "I mean, Mum's dead now, and Petunia hates me. . ." My voice wavered pitifully.

"Hey." James said robustly, clapping me on the shoulder. "You can always stay here. Hogwarts is supposed to be amazing at Christmas time. If it helps. . . I'm staying, too."

"You?" This surprised me. From what I had known, James had two happily married parents and a mansion up in North England. "How come you're not leaving?"

"Mum and Dad are going to France," he said sourly. "My aunt and uncle invited them, and I can't stand them. Unfortunately, the feeling's mutual." he grinned slightly. "So, we'll be able to see each other everyday."

"Somehow, that doesn't cheer me up," I said sardonically, but smiled up at him all the same. The floor was empty, all the students having gone off to their respective common rooms.

"Let's take the back route," James suggested, pointing me towards a flight of stairs that strayed away from the torchlights and into the dark. I swallowed, about to argue, but he was already starting towards it. "I know this is a. . ." he cleared his throat and grinned. "_Popular _spot." I raised my eyebrows at him, sure that either Sirius or himself had been there quite a few times alread, and followed him down the corridor. I lit my wand with a murmur, my heart racing in the darkness. Shadows were wavering over the stone floor and walls, and it was only the knowledge that James was with me that kept me from turning around and fleeing.

And then the stairs came, camouflaged in the darkness, and I shrieked as I tripped and slid down the first landing. My wand slid from my grip, the light quickly going out, and we were plunged into darkness. James hurried down to catch up with me. "Lily! Are you all right?" I nodded, my heart beating too quickly to speak, and tried to pushed myself to my feet, swallowing hard. He offered his hand, and I grabbed it to hoist myself up.

"Hey." An arm went around my shoulders, and I could feel the his body heat warming me through the sweatshirt he had thrown on. "You're shaking. Are you afraid of the dark?"  
"No," I said angrily, my reflex response. Then I sighed and clenched my fingers around my wand. "I'm terrified."  
"It's all right," he said encouragingly, lighting his own wand, and I stepped out of his half-embrace to reach mine and mutter, _lumos_. "We don't have to go this way again. Come on, let's go look in the Great Hall." He offered his hand again, and I clasped it tightly in my own, allowing him to lead me out of the darkness and into the torchlight of the first floor corridor. As soon as I could see the ground again, I let go of his hand quickly. He looked surprised, but smirked at me. I ground my teeth as he turned his back. Some things wouldn't change.

Our footsteps echoed in the halls, and I looked around nervously, but there didn't seem to be any sign of anybody; ghosts or students. The marble staircase glowed strangly in the combined wandlights, and I grabbed the railing hurriedly, clenching my hand around it to stay up. At the end of the staircase, I swung my light around, and heard a slight noise. I glanced at James, and he seemed to have heard it as well, moving towards the source of the sound.

Our wandlight fell on two entertwined figures, kissing fiercely in a shadowed corner. I looked awkwardly at James, who grinned and cleared his throat loudly. "Oi! You two! It's past curfew!"  
The figures broke apart, and, turning my wand toward them, I saw Fabian Prewitt, Raye's boyfriend, his red hair askew, his face flushed. My heart sinking, I turned my wand toward the other person, expecting to see Raye's dark hair and sheepish expression. I hated knowing that I would have to give my friend detention for this, just because I was the Head Girl. So, I was entirely surprised when the second person turned.

"Aria?"

She gaped at me, then brought her hands up to press them into her eyes, slumping against the wall, groaning slightly. Fabian looked from her to me to James, then back again in confusion.

"Aria, what the hell are you doing?" I strode over and grabbed her by the arm, dragging her away from both Fabian and James, to well out of their earshot. "What are you thinking?" I crossed my arms over my chest and raised my eyebrows in a very good impression of Professor McGonagall. "An explanation, if it's not _beneath _you."

She rolled her eyes toward the ceiling, something that only annoyed me more. "I was bored, all right? Fabian came along. . . Look, it doesn't _mean _anything. It was just kissing."

"Mean anything? For God's sake, Aria, Fabian is Raye's boyfriend! You're one of Raye's best friends! You can't just snog him because you have nobody else to at the moment. Half of the boys at this school are already in love with you, and the one you decide to have some 'fun' with is your best friend's boyfriend! Do you have any idea how much you'll hurt her when she finds out?"

"She doesn't have to find out!" She shot back at me. "I'm not going to tell her, Fabian's not going to mention it, so you and James had better not, either."

"You'd better hope I don't tell her," I hissed at her. "She'll never forgive you, if she knows. She thought Fabian loved her."

"He does!" She put her hands on her hip and stuck out her lower lip like a petunlant child. "God, Lily, you're so dense! You think that the people who kiss each other have to be in love? Well, honey," her voice dripped with sarcasm. "If that's the case, then you and Nate shouldn't be-"

"_I'm _dense?! Aria, do you see what you're doing to yourself? What happened to you? You've changed so much. The Aria I knew would never even look at the boy her friend was in love with." Aria looked away from me, tensing her jaw. I grabbed her arm. "I'm not going to tell Raye." Her eyes flickered back to me, and she breathed with relief.

"Thank you, Lily, I can't tell you what that means to me. I'm really sorry I-"

"I'm not doing it for you." I glared at Aria. "I'm doing it for Raye. I don't want to ruin her last year at Hogwarts. She doesn't deserve to have a friend like you." I turned and strode away, grabbing James' forearm and dragging him after me down the hall.

"Ow, ow!" He protested, wrenching it out from my grip. "Slow down, Lily." I glared up at him, and he held up his hands in surrender. "Okay, sorry, I won't talk." We walked away from the Great Hall in silence, my mind too full of anger to have room for fear of the darkness.

"What do you say to a midnight snack?" James finally broke the silence. I looked around at him. He looked hopeful. "I didn't have dinner- I was with Remus."

I sighed. "Fine. Do you know where the kitchens are?" He grinned mischieviously, and I immediately regretted asking him the question. Of course he knew where the kitchens were. He was James Potter, after all. I hadn't been down there since the truth or dare at the beginning of the year. I smiled at the memory. I hated James so much then. Now, I was getting used to him. He might be a friend, by the end of the year, if he didn't annoy me too much.

The painting of the bowl of fruit was still, only a few leaves rustling as the fruit seemed to sleep. James reached out and tickled the pear, and the gold frame swung open, revealing a dark kitchen. I stepped over the threshold, and James flicked on the lights and shut the door behind him. I sighed, looking around. The four replicas of the house tables were empty, the silverware set out on the end for the next morning. The house elves were nowhere to be seen, so I perched myself on the large wooden island in the middle of the kitchen and lay on my back, staring at the dark ceiling and listening to James rattling pots and pans, slamming pulling food out and slamming the drawers.

"You might want to be a little louder," I remarked sarcastically. "I don't think anyone can hear you yet."

"Oh, be quiet and drink your hot chocolate," he said, pretending to be cross. I propped myself up on my elbows, raising my eyebrow as he brought over a mug of steaming hot chocolate and put it down next to me. I took the mug between my cold hands, letting the warmth spread through me. "Thank you," I said sincerely. "How'd you know I needed it?"

He shrugged, grinning, and threw a piece of bread ontop of an enormous pile of lettuce, tomato and ham. "I always have it when I'm stressed." He sliced the massive sandwich in half, and propped himself up on the counter to cram it into his mouth. I lay back down, not wanting to see the nauseating display that was James eating, and somehow managing to sip my cocoa without spilling it all over myself.

"I can't believe Aria would do that," I finally sighed, clunking down the mug and wiping away the foaming moustache that had clung to my upper lip. "She knows Raye and Fabian like each other. I can't believe she would try to sabotage them."

"Well, he couldn't have liked her that much if he was willing to snog her friend," James said mildly. I glared at him. "Shut up," I growled, and he seemed to shrivel away. "Just pointing out the obvious," he said meekly, taking another large bite. I averted my eyes.

"I don't know what's been happening with her," I admitted. "Well, actually, I do. I propped myself up again and looked pointedly at James. He caught my eye, seemed to understand, and the sandwich fell unhappily back onto the plate. "What-? You think-? Sirius?"

I rolled my eyes. "You think?"

He cleared his throat. "Well, he's cheated on hundreds of girls before. I mean," he waved his arm, trying to be apologetic and describe what he meant both. "None of them have been exactly thrilled, but they haven't cracked up about it."

I sighed. "Actually, a few have. Remember Lyra Sullivan?" He winced, and I knew I didn't have to remind him. Lyra Sullivan had been a girl Sirius had dated a few times in sixth grade, before tossing her aside like he usually did. She had exploded in anger, chasing him down the hall and throwing hexes at him, some hitting James and Remus as well, one of them being strictly illegal. She had been called to the Ministry for a hearing, and paid a hefty fine before going in for counseling. We hadn't seen her since. There were others, of course, but hers was the worse case.

"Don't worry," James said after a few moments of grimacing in remembrance. "Aria's a nice girl. I thought she was the best choice for Sirius. I'm sure she'll come to her senses soon." I sighed, twining my fingers together and biting my lip. "I hope so," I said grimly. "I really do."

I finished my hot chocolate, and sat up, crossing my legs as James finished scarfing down his sandwich and cleaned the dishes. I hopped down from the table and pushed open the portrait door, waiting for him before shutting the lights off and closing it. It was as though nobody had been there.

The corridors were still just as dark and empty, but they didn't seem as scary as they had before. The silence was catching, and neither of us talked until we got to the portrait hole. The Fat Lady was dozing in her frame, and we had to shout loudly before she woke with a start and berated us for being out of bed out of hours, winking at us. I rolled my eyes, not bothering to tell her _why _we had been out of bed, and shoved through to common room. I bid James good night and climbed up the stairs of the girls' dormitories. My headache had come back full force, and I gladly threw on my pajamas when I got to our dorm and climbed into bed. I turned. Aria's curtains were drawn around her bed so that nobody could see her, but Raye's were open. Her face was turned toward me, and her eyes were closed, a slight smile on her face. She was so peaceful sleeping, her hair tousled adorably. I sighed and shut my eyes tightly. I only hoped Raye would never find out what had happened.

.............

Wow! I guess my logic did work!

161 people read my last chapter (it's gone down! Oh no!)

13 people reviewed.

Bravo, everybody! That's 8.074534161490683% of people who have reviewed. Still rather slim, but it's gone up by a percent. Thanks a bunch!

So what did you think? Personally, I loved the James/Lily interactions. . . they're so CUTE together! Pity she can't realize it, though. What should I do with Aria? She's going wild. . .


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer- all this belongs to the lovely Ms. Rowling**

Chapter 15

"I think that every younger student should have one of the upper years as a mentee. It would take hardly any time out of the normal class schedule and benefit all who participated."

I was standing in front of a table of bored looking prefects and Professor McGonagall, her hands folded, looking interested. I was wearing a white button down shirt, my hair loose and pushed back with a headband, and I had been working on this presentation for a few weeks now, and it was freeing to be finally giving it.

"I mean, it would be perfect for everybody! Older students can brush up on their teaching abilities and pass on their knowledge to a new generation. And younger students will have better study habits and learn more, not to mention make more friends, improve confidence and self esteem issues. Not only that, but we would have a lot less lost first years." I waited until the polite laughter stopped, and then went over to a display easel, and flipped over a chart. I figured that doing this the Muggle way would be more effective to my audience.

"Five years ago, Beauxbatons Academy started a mentoring system. Student pairs met about once a week and talked and helped each other with homework. This dot right here," I pointed to a small red marking on the graph. "shows the percentage of first years who passed the start of the year exams, which apparently are traditional at Beauxbatons, before the mentoring system was developed, and this marking," I pointed to a black dot a couple lines up, "shows the percentage of years who passed the end of the year exams. As you can see, it's about a fifty percent increase. Now the next year mentoring was started, and there's about an eighty percent increase in the success. And it's only improved since then."

I turned back to my audience, folding my hands in front of me. "I think that every first and second year student should have a partner who's in sixth or seventh year. Of course, the seventh years have NEWTs, so that might affect the amount of time we could spend with the children, but it would improve so much. It would take hardly any effort, and we can form bonds that will last for years to come."

I smiled, bowing my head to signify the end, and there was a scattering of polite applause. McGonagall got to her feet as I slid my chair out and placed myself on it, and continued clapping longer than the rest of the students. "Well, Ms. Evans, wonderful presentation, as usual," I beamed, blushing slightly at all the eyes on me. "Now. Does everybody agree to Ms. Evan's proposal? Prefects? What do you think?" The prefects looked around, and nodded- the fifth years looking interested, the sixth years yielding, the seventh years slightly bored. "And what about our Head Boy?" I turned to look at James Potter and rolled my eyes. He was scribbling on a piece of parchment and sliding it across the table toward Remus Lupin. "Mr. Potter!"

He looked up, eyes widening innocently, and shoved the paper under the table. "I'm sorry, what did you say, Professor?"

"I was _asking_, Mr. Potter, if you agreed with our Head Girl's views." He glanced at me quickly, then back at McGonagall, a pucker between his eyebrows, before his face smoothed into its usual arrogant mask.

"Of course I do! Brilliant idea, Lily!"

"And what was the idea?" McGonagall asked, her eyebrows going up as she folded her arms over her chest severely. James looked stumped. "Er. . . something to do with small children?"

"I think next time it would be better for you to listen to the presentations going on," she scolded. "Why don't you make up the lost time in detention? Friday night, the trophy room, you and Mr. Lupin both." Remus threw an irritated look over at James, who shrugged and grinned at McGonagall. "I'll be glad for the extra time with you, Minnie," he said cheekily.

"Actually, you'll be working with Mr. Filch," she said dryly, a hint of a smile playing around her thin lips. "I hope you don't bring your wand, you won't be needing it." James sighed dramatically and slumped down in his chair, crumpling the parchment in his hand. "Oh, Potter," he looked up at her. "You and Ms. Evans are on patrol duty this evening, in case you forget."

"Brilliant," he muttered, and threw an annoyed look over at me, and I tried not to shrink down in my chair as well.

*

A couple of hours later, I was waiting outside the Common Room, watching as James Potter climbed out of the Portrait Hole to join me. I had already lit my wand- the light shining out in rays bouncing across the dark hallway. I didn't want to have another replaying of the fiasco of a couple nights ago. Unconsciously, I clenched the hand that had held James' tighter around my wand, as though I could still feel his slim, long fingers around mine.

"I'm sorry, Lily," he said, taking out his wand to follow my example and smiling crookedly. "I hope you don't think I'm mad at you. It's just. . . I have too much going on right now. Between schoolwork, Head duties, Quidditch team, spending time with my friends and my girlfriend I hardly have any time to sleep." It was true, I thought, looking over at the purple bruise-like shadows underneath his eyes, making his skin look fragile and blue-veined.

"You look it," I told him thoughtlessly. "But I know what you mean. Only. . . I don't have Quidditch, thank goodness."

"Hey, you should have tried out for the team," he told me, tipping his head back to study the ceiling for Peeves, and I caught the long pale expanse of his throat exposed before I looked away, swallowing. "You wouldn't be bad."

I laughed. "_Me?_ You must be joking. I'm terrible! Haven't you seen me fly?"

He glanced over at me, smirking. "Actually, yes. I'm under the impression that you've been nicking Aria's broomstick and sneaking out with it to the Quidditch patch where you fly around for hours on end."

I gaped at him. "How did you know that?" I had thought that was my own personal secret. I had never practiced flying for trying out for the Quidditch team- it was just a personal enjoyment of mine- the thrill of no land under my feet, the rush of wind through my hair and the blurring colors of the landscapes below me.

He grinned sheepishly, his cheekbones reddening. "Let's just say. . . I was a bit obsessed with you in fourth year."

I laughed awkwardly. "Yeah. . . well. . . I haven't flown in a couple years. Not enough time since OWLs, you know. But I would like to, again, someday."

"You're welcome to my broomstick whenever you want it," he said nonchalantly. "Well. . . no, I'd probably kill you if I didn't know where it was and what was happening to it. So I can lend you a school broom, but that's about it."

I chuckled at his possessiveness. It was somewhat endearing.

"What's that?" He asked suddenly, pointing his wand into the shadows toward where a lone shadow was walking towards us. I was inexplicably reminded of last patrolling, when we found Fabian, and Aria. . .

"Aria? Is that you?"

"Ohhhh. . . It's Lilyy."

I exchanged a confused look with James, and Aria stumbled out of the shadows. "There yoouu are. What are you doing down here?" She swayed slightly, her eyes unfocusing.

"Oh, Aria, are you drunk?"

"Nooooo," she protested vehemently. "I only had a firewhiskey. . . well, maybe two. . . I can't remember. I was just having _fun_."

I sighed heavily, pressing the palms of my hands against my eyes as I tried to think about this. "All right. Um. . . I'll take you upstairs and you can sleep it off." I threw her arm around my shoulder, and James wrapped his arm around her waist and supported her from the other side. She leaned into him, head resting on his shoulder.

"What's your name?" She asked curiously, looking up at him. "You're kind of. . . cute."

I put my hand to my mouth to stifle a laugh at the expression on James' face. He turned to smirk at me. "I'm James. Which you usually know. And I also have a girlfriend, so. . ." She sagged on his shoulder, and he patted her head comfortingly.

"Why does everybody have girlfriends?" She complained, and I had a feeling that she was no longer thinking about James. "Or boyfriends, I guess. Like Lily. I always thought you two would have been a good couple, but nooo. . . "

James coughed. I could feel my face burning and didn't dare look over at him, but kept my eyes fixed on the steps we were now towing Aria up. She was silent for a few more minutes, then groaned. "I don't feel well," she moaned, clutching her stomach. I looked over at James, who grabbed her and maneuvered her over to an empty vase and held back her long hair as she was violently sick. She finally straightened, stopped retching, and wiped her mouth on her sleeve. James flicked his wand, and scoured the vase.

"Is that better?" He asked kindly, putting his arm around her to support her again. She sighed. "Not really. . ." James smiled. "You're going to have a horrible hangover tomorrow." She shut her eyes as I put her arm around my shoulder again, and concentrated on pulling her up the steps while tears pricked my eyes. Aria was losing it, and James was being so kind to her. It was like a reversal of the rights and wrongs of the world.

"Lily, could you bring her up to your dormitory?" He asked, handing the limp Aria over to me. "I can't go up there. Are you strong enough. . .?"

"Shut it, Potter," I teased, putting my arm around her waist and helping her stumble across the floor. "I can handle it fine. Don't worry, just go. . . sleep."

He grinned. "See you, Evans." He said cheerfully, turning and sprinting up his own dormitory steps. I heaved Aria up onto the first step, breaking out into a sweat as I dragged her uncooperating body up a couple more stairs. Finally, I sighed, resigning myself to my fate, and shouted up the stairs, "OLIVIA! COME HELP ME!"

*

"Lily, wake up!"

I jolted awake, sitting bolt upright in bed and staring around wildly. "What happened-? Who died-? Oh. Aria." I brushed my hair out of my face and pressed my palms into my eyes so hard I could see stars. "What are you doing? Why are you up so late?"

She pouted. "I can't sleep. I'm too drunk."

"At least you're honest," I said dryly. "For once."

She sighed. "I'm sorry, Lily. I didn't. . . I made a mistake. . ." I waited for her to continue, but she seemed to have used up the few words she could say without slurring.

"Aria." I groaned, falling onto my back on the bed beside her. "Why? You have enough troubles as it is. Why couldn't you just lay low? Let me go back to sleep. You. . . sleep it off." I yawned, reaching up to rub my eyes and rolled over onto my stomach and closing my eyes gratefully. Minutes passed, and then I heard a sniffle, and then a slight hiccup.

I rolled over and opened my eyes to glance over at her. Her head was bent, shadows falling across her face, but I saw the glint of a tear rolling down her cheek. I sighed. "What is it?"

"You hate me," she said pitifully. "You and everyone else. Nobody talks to me anymore. I don't know what I did to deserr. . . desess. . ."

I grabbed my wand from the night side table, waving it to cast a Silencing Spell before turning on her. "You don't know what you did to deserve it? Let's see. This is difficult. Um. . . how about, Completely losing it when your boyfriend broke up with you? Ditching all of us to have fun with boys every night? Snogging our best friend's boyfriend? Does that do it for you?"

She sniffed, drawing her knees up and folding her arms around her ankles. "I know. I screwed up. But. . . I've never "_not_ had friends before. And now nobody even looks at me without looking away. . . Only the boys will, and they're not what's right for me." Her voice went up and down like a piano, and I fought back a smile.

"Then you have to earn back everybody's friendship, Air. Stop drinking and smoking and hooking up with blokes every night of the week. Go back to wearing. . . blouses and. . . long skirts, and focus on your schoolwork. If you just be yourself, you'll have more friends than before." She sniffed, wiping her tears away from her face. I put my arm around her shoulders and she leaned her head against my collarbone. I could feel her tears blurring against my neck, her hair fanning out on my neck. I sighed and reached into my pocket to hand her a clean handkerchief and rest my head on hers to fall asleep.

*

I woke up early, before the sun had fully risen and the grounds outside were a pearly grey. I pushed the curtains to the window back, my nose pressed up against the glass, my breath fanning out in steam patterns, and shrieked with excitement. A thick layer of snow covered the ground, shutting out all the dismal browns and dried yellows of grass and leaves. The steam in Hagrid's cabin was curling upwards into the cloudy sky, as a flurry of snowflakes continued to fall.

"Lily, go back to sleep," I heard Raye groan from behind her curtains. I raced over to her bed, ripping the hangings aside and flopping onto it, bouncing up and down on the mattress until she cracked open one bleary eye, looking at me with annoyance. "Go away."

"But Raye, it snowed!" I squealed, grabbing her hand and dragging the entirely unhappy girl from her warm cocoon of covers, towards the chilly window, twirling her around so that she could take in the outside. She rolled her eyes. "No, really? I didn't know that's what that white fluff was called."

"IT SNOWED?!" A voice came from another curtain, and Olivia pulled her curtains out of the way, bounding out to peer out the window as well. "Yes! You know what that means!" She grinned at me, and we both grabbed Raye and threw her down onto her empty bed together. "Snowball fight!" We sang out, and Raye groaned, her head hitting her pillow. "Take your happiness elsewhere." Olivia shrugged at me, taking a change of clothes and rushing into the bathroom.

I looked over toward my bed, and was surprised to see another lump under the covers. I walked hesitantly over to it, pulling the sheets down to see Aria, curled up into a ball, her eyes squeezed shut, her eyebrows wrinkled. I perched next to her. "Aria?" I said gently. She grimaced, screwing her face up tighter. "You okay?"

"Headache," she grunted, and I smiled grimly, grabbing my wand and performing a complex flicking motion of the wrist. Her face relaxed, and she sighed. "Thanks, Lily. You're the best." I shrugged, putting the wand away. "We're going to snowball fight," I told her, pulling on a warm woolen jumper, ski hat, woolen mittens and boots. "If you're up to joining. . . I guess you can. If not. . . we'll beat them anyway." I turned away, as Olivia came out of the bathroom, and raced after her down the dorm stairs.

The Great Hall was empty, and we rushed past it on the way to the front door. I took a hesitant step outside, smiling as my foot sank into the thick white snow, walking in a circle just for the pure joy of seeing my footprints behind me.

"Oi! Evans!" I looked up just in time to see a snowball fly towards my head and explode. I gasped, the coldness soaking through my hat and down the back of my neck. I squirmed, grabbing chunks of snow and brushing them off. Looking around, I saw Sirius Black, his hands shoved into a leather jacket, smirking triumphantly with Remus, Pettigrew and James behind him like an army. "You ready to take us on?"

"Four to two? Come on, Black, you know that's unfair," I teased back. "At least send Remus over to our side."

"What do you say, Rem?" Sirius turned to the boy in question, who looked thinner and gaunter than ever before. "Would you rather help us, your best mates, your brothers. . . or _them?_"

Remus grinned. "Sorry, Lily, when he puts it like that. . ."

I sighed. "If only Raye was here." I smiled confidentially with Olivia, who pulled her wand out and waved it towards the castle. A few minutes later, Raye was soaring out the open door, fully dressed in something she never would have worn, landing with her arms crossed in front of us.

"Liv, you know I hate when you do that," she complained, smoothing the horrible knitted jumper over her stomach and frowning. "You could have at least picked a better jumper!" Olivia shrugged, and Raye sighed, leaning down to scoop up a handful of snow. "Are you ready, Black?" She shrieked across the clearing towards him. "You are so going down!"

"Enough with the taunts, little girl, show me what you got! Unless you're scared. . ." He taunted back. She growled, grabbing her wand and flicking it- a huge pile of snow flew up into the air and soared towards Sirius, who tried to run fruitlessly, before it crashed down on him. We laughed, clapping Raye high-five. "Nicely done," I told her, picking up a handful of snow and molding it into a perfect ball. "Now, are we ready?"

"Let's go!" Olivia shouted, and we charged forward. Snowballs rained towards us, and I made and threw mine as quickly as I could, jumping up and down as a few hit their targets and dodging others thrown at me. But there were too many, and as one exploded in my face, James shouting triumphantly, I grabbed Olivia and Raye's arms, towing them into a huddle.

"This isn't working," Raye panted, wiping a smear of snow off of her face. "I wish Aria. . ."

I ignored this, although it slightly stung. Aria was the best snowball thrower of all of us, and it hurt that she wasn't here to help us in our tradition. "Listen. Forget about Aria. We have to separate them from the group. Together, they're too strong. Olivia- can you take both Pettrigrew and Remus? The weakest should go together. And Raye-"

"I'll take Sirius," she interrupted. I frowned. I had been about to suggest that she fight James. "You sure? He's pretty good?"

"So am I," she said, as though explaining an easy arithmancy problem to a stubborn child. "Don't worry. You can get James. Just. . . be sneaky. Don't just pelt him with snow."

I grinned, sure I knew what she meant. "Right. On three. One. . . Two. . . CHARGE!"

We separated, each running towards the respective boy and levitating snow as we did so. I steered my wand toward James, ignoring the onslaught of snowballs coming from him, and laughed happily as it dumped over his head, showering him with the powder. He wiped his face off, spotted me, and charged. A snowball hit my hard on the back, stinging. "You cheater!" I gasped, turning towards him. "You can't throw ice balls! It's against the rules!" He grinned, and I realized too late that he had had an ulterior motive- his second, slushy snowball hit me across the face, wiping the indignant look away. I choked, wiping it away, my face stinging like ice needles were pricking it. My nose was now numb. I ran after him, snowballs pelting his back mercilessly. As I looked at the evergreen trees- limbs weighted down with snow- I got an idea. I came towards him on the left, steering him towards the trees. When he brushed up against them, I sent a carefully aimed spell at the heaviest bough, which dropped its load on his face.

He coughed, looking entirely ridiculous with his hair powdered white, his glasses covered. He took a few minutes to dust off his face so that he could see, then started chasing me. I shrieked, racing wildly away. I screamed, running as fast as I could with thick snow pants and boot, but my legs were much shorter than his, and I could hear him crashing along right behind me.

He tackled me, bringing me down into the snow. I shrieked, the breath knocked out of me as he landed on top of my chest, hands braced on either side of me, our noses nearly touching. Snow dripped from his mussed black hair onto my face, but my arms were trapped under his body, so I couldn't brush it away. He grinned, shaking his hair and splattering me. I laughed, trying to push him off of me, my hands pressed up against his chest.

"James," I whispered. His glasses had slipped off his nose sometime during the fight, leaving his eyes wide and liquid hazel, staring down into mine. I could feel his breath, warm and shallow on my skin. "I have something for you." His eyes widened slightly, and I took the opportunity to free my arm, rooting my hand around in the snow, grabbing a handful.

"Happy Christmas," I breathed, reaching up to shove it in his face. He spluttered, rolling off of me, swiping the snow off. I giggled, pushing myself to my feet and making a break for it, tripping over the snow as I heard him roar and chase after me.

"Olivia, help!" I shrieked as I rushed past her. "He's going to kill me!" She turned from where she had been pelting Remus with snowballs and laughed, scooping a handful of snow to lob at James. He changed course, grabbing an armful of snow to dump over Olivia's head.

"Lily!"

I crashed into somebody's chest, efficiently sending me sprawling into the snow. I looked up to see Nate, offering his hand out for me. "I thought you saw me," he said apologetically. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," I gasped, grabbing his hand and hoisting myself up. I brushed the snow off of my coat, pushing my long hair back with my mittens, a few of the strands clinging to the wool. I smiled, reaching up on my tip toes to kiss him. I made to pull away, but he wrapped his arm around my waist, bringing me in to kiss me more fully. I stepped back, patting his shoulder as he released me and glancing to where Olivia was sneaking up on James, who was watching us with a slight scowl on his face.

"What are you doing?" Nate asked, drawing my attention back to him. I grinned. "Snowball fighting. To celebrate the first snowfall of the year. It's sort of a tradition. Do you want to join?"

"No, actually, I was meaning to go up to the library to study. Flitwick's essay is due tomorrow. Come work on it with me. I haven't seen you all week."

"I know," I grabbed his hands and swung them between us. "And I'm sorry, but I already finished it. Come on, Nate, let me have fun," I smiled prettily up at him, and he chuckled, brushing a dusting of snow off of my nose. "Of course you can have fun. We can hang out later. Try and beat their asses, all right?"

I laughed, and he leaned down to kiss me again, throwing a glare over at James before walking back toward the castle, his head bowed against the onslaught of snow, hands shoved into his pockets. I bit my lip, folding my arms across my chest and glancing over at the others, towards where Raye was repetitively dunking Sirius' head into a pile of snow. Was this in lieu of the game, or because of him cheating on Aria? I wondered if she knew that her boyfriend had cheated on her with Aria, she would do the same?

"Think fast!"

I turned just in time to see a snowball flying towards me, not enough time to close my eyes before it exploded all over my face. I choked, wiping the snow away to see Remus running madly away. I grabbed my wand, levitating a huge chunk of snow and enchanting it to follow me as I raced after him. "You're dead to me, Lupin!"

*

We headed in from the grounds, covered in snow and gasping for breath, laughing and talking with each other.

"Do you fancy hot chocolate?" Sirius asked, jerking his head toward the kitchens. "We were going to go down and get some." Raye and Olivia nodded eagerly, but I hesitated. "I have to go check on Aria." I saw Sirius wince slightly at the name, and tried not to smile cruelly. "She needs me right now." Raye and Olivia made to come with me. "No, you guys go and have fun. I'm going to try and figure out what's up with her." I glanced over at Sirius, thinking that it wouldn't be very difficult.

The others bid me farewell as I climbed up the marble stairs, tracking melting snow onto the clean floors and praying that Filch wouldn't see me. The Common Room was practically empty, most of the students having gone outside to enjoy the snow while it lasted, and I made it up to our dormitory without distraction.

Aria was perched on the bed, her head resting on her knees, the corners of her mouth turning downward and a misting of tears in her eyes. I took off my hat and mittens and boots, shaking the snow out from my sweater and dropping it onto my bed. I walked over and stood next to her, unsure what to say. Aria and I still weren't on the best of terms, and what should I say to my drunk ex-friend, anyway?

"Are you okay?" I asked hesitantly. "Not really," she said sadly, running her hand through her hair and crumpling something up in her hand.

"Aria?" I sat down on the bed and peered more closely at her. "What happened? What's wrong?" She turned to look at me, and I could see the tears trickling down her cheeks. Wordlessly, she held out her hand, clenched around a piece of paper. I took it, looking at her for approval, and smoothed it out.

"What's this?" I asked, peering down at the nearly illegible scratches of ink darting across it. Aria grabbed it back and turned to face the window. "My parents are getting divorced. They wrote to tell me. I have to go to a court meeting next week where they can a-argue over joint custody because neither of them want me."

"Wizards have the same divorce system as Muggles?" I asked stupidly. She turned to throw me a sharp look. "Oh. Right. Aria, I'm so sorry. When did you find out?" She sighed heavily. "A couple of weeks ago. I just got the letter saying that I had to show up at the Wizengamot today, though. Before. . ." She blushed lightly and looked away. I nodded. I knew what she meant. Before she started going crazy. That must have been the reason why, then.

"I'm sorry, Aria," I said sincerely. "And I 'm sorry I haven't been there for you, either. I thought. . . Sirius. . ."

She grimaced. "I think it was too much at once, honestly. I always thought my parents. . . loved each other, and me, but. . ." She threw her hands up and tightened her fist around the paper. "I guess it was all an act. Neither of them want me, or the other. So I guess once I graduate I'll get my own flat, and never have to see them again." She pressed her lips together and sighed. "It's just hard, you know. Losing parents. . ."

"I know the feeling," I remarked dryly. She looked over at me in horror. "Oh, Lily, I'm so sorry, I forgot-"

"It's okay." I smiled sadly. "But _I_ can't."

She grabbed my hand comfortingly, squeezing mine in hers as we both turned back to the window, staring out at the gray clouds and the deserted courtyard, sitting in contented silence. A lone snowflake drifted down from the night sky, landing somewhere over the dark grounds, and I knew we were going to be okay, in the end.

*

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Love you all 3


	16. Chapter 16

Warning: some swearing. This is rated T for a reason, people. If you don't like it, please no rude comments. Thanks and sorry I'm late!

**Disclaimer: All the property of the lovely Ms. Rowling. I claim no ownership.**

Chapter 16

I held my breath, standing on the tips of my toes and reaching up to place a card, tentatively, on top of the towering, swaying structure. It exploded, sending sparks and ash flying up into the air as the cards collapsed on themselves. I groaned, flinging myself back onto the floor and watching as they fell down in a singed heap. The others exploded with laughter, clapping me on the back as the cards straightened themselves out and flew back into a neat stack.

"So," Raye gasped, wiping her streaming eyes. "That's your fifth loss, Lil. If I didn't know better, I'd say this game hated you." I pouted, as she began to rebuild the base of our structure. It was Christmas Eve, and the sun had already set, snow swirling around Gryffindor Tower, and we were restless. It was too early to go to bed yet, so we had set up a game in the Common Room while music played softly from a radio in the corner, and the fire snapped and crackled.

Sara, Sirius and Remus had headed home a couple days ago, after presenting us with gifts and exuberant hugs, so Raye, Aria, Olivia, Sean, Fabian, James and I were sitting in a circle, talking and playing Exploding Snap. I sighed happily. It was warm and cozy, being surrounded by friends. The only downside to this Christmas Eve was that Nate had gone to spend time with his family, after kissing me good bye and reassuring me that he would write at least once.

"Aria, it's your turn," Raye told her, her smile fading slightly as she studied her friend. Aria had been gradually getting back to normal, talking and joking with us, and she was beginning to look more healthy- not as pale and thin as before. But she withdrew herself often, and, as far as I knew, she hadn't spoken to anybody outside of our little circle. Aria smiled, reaching out to accept a couple cards from Raye and leaning forward, her hair swinging to hide her face, as she stacked them on top of each other. Raye leaned back into Fabian, who, I noticed, was watching Aria with a slight frown on his face.

Nate's friend, Sean, went next. Sean was a year behind us, but incredibly tall and good-looking, with dark hair and eyes, a crooked nose, and bright smile. He was watching Aria as well, talking to her whenever he could, but she didn't seem to notice. James yawned from where he was perched, his long legs stretched out in front of him, resting on his elbows and looking cool and blase, and my eyes flickered to him. He grinned at me, rubbing his jaw and looking around at the clock.

"You've got soot on your face, Lily," Aria told me, grinning, pointing to my nose. I shrugged, reaching up to rub it away, but managing to smear it even more. I gave up, yawning widely, pillowing my head on the couch cushions behind me and letting my eyelids droop.

I had sent both Dad and Petunia's present home by owl a couple of days ago. Dad had sent back a small gift, with a note that sounded tired and depressed. I had read it with a growing sense of concern. It had already been a couple of months, but he didn't seem to be getting any more comfortable with the idea of being a widower. Petunia had also sent a note, which, unfortunately, I'd chosen to read instead of chuck in the fire, and my head was now full of her insults. _Don't contact me again. . . I don't care what you have to say. . . How dare you wish us a Happy Christmas? Mum's dead, and it's your fault. . . Vernon and I are getting married in June, and Dad insists that I invite you, so you'd better not embarrass us. . . _I had groaned at that, before wadding it up into a ball and forgetting about it at the bottom of the bag. Petunia and Vernon getting married. . . Well, that was a match made in heaven.

"Well, I'm going to bed," I yawned, as the clock chimed eleven, pushing myself off the ground and stretching. "I'll see you all in the morning?" They nodded, eyes fixed on the game, and I dragged myself up the steps to the dormitory. To my surprise, Aria followed, pulling on her nightclothes and hopping into the bed next to mine.

"Happy Christmas, Lily," she yawned, as I leaned over to blow the candle out. "I think it's going to be a good one."

*

I was awakened, impossibly early, by Olivia's grinning face. I blinked, and it wavered before coming into focus. "Merlin, Olivia, you couldn't have just set an alarm clock?"  
"A what?" She asked, bouncing up and down on the mattress as I sat up, hair in a tangled mass on my back. It was still dark outside, and I could hear Aria's deep breaths on the other side of me. "Never mind," I groaned. I knew there was no arguing with her, so I pushed myself up and got changed quickly as Olivia repeated the same treatment to Aria. I winced as I brushed my hair, and the pain helped wake me up, before I tied it back with a green ribbon and traipsed wearily down the stairs.

James was up, slumped into a couch with a cup of coffee gripped tightly in his hand. I laughed, walking over to sit next to him, and grabbed his mug, taking a sip of the bitter liquid. "How kind. You didn't need to get me coffee."

"I didn't," he groaned, trying unsuccessfully to grab it back. "Lily. . ." I grinned, giving it back. It had always amused me how entirely unresponsive James was in the morning, until he'd had at least two cups of coffee. I curled up into the cushion, closing my eyes and wriggling my socked toes. Aria came down the stairs a few minutes later, coming over to slump in the armchair across from us.

"Morning," she yawned, reaching out to hand us our presents. "I think Olivia's waking up Raye now."

"Poor girl," I laughed, taking the present with a word of thanks. "Raye will probably try to strangle her." There was a crash from above, and I grinned, knowing that Raye must have thrown something at Olivia. Then, with a banging and thudding, a figure came flying down the steps, blankets streaming behind her, to land in heap on the ground. Olivia came skipping down the stairs behind her and sat down on Aria's armrest. The figure on the ground, which must have been Raye, stirred vaguely, her dark-haired head poking out of her cocoon, before slumping back onto the warm carpet.

"It's too early," James complained, taking another sip of his coffee and wrinkling his nose. "It's unnatural to be up this soon." I laughed. "I'm glad to see the cheer isn't lost on you."

"Well, when you're awoken at five in the morning by your friend here racing up the steps and banging on the door, it would dampen your Christmas spirit, too." I cast a look at Olivia, who was suddenly looking too innocent. "You woke the boys up, too?" She shrugged, grinning evilly. "I didn't want them to miss out on the festivities."

"You're impossible," I told her fondly, as Fabian and Sean joined us. A Christmas tree had been set up beside the couch we were lounging on, and the lights twinkled brightly in the dim light from the fire and lamps propped around the room. Olivia bounced up eagerly at once, passing out the presents, and collecting them from us in return.

My dad's gift was simple and sweet- an enamel pendant in the shape of a lily on a long golden chain. Petunia had sent a box of old clothes and possessions of mine that she had been clearing out of my room. I had opened it, my friends laughing and shrieking at the pictures of me when I was tiny and old fashions that I had worn. I had to admit, though, it still stung. Raye and Olivia had both given me books- a set of textbooks from Raye that I had needed, and a book on Quidditch tips from Olivia. Everyone had laughed at that, but we had both exchanged a secret grin.

Sara's gift turned out to be the same for all of her roommates- a framed photograph that must have been taken of us at the Halloween Dance, our arms linked, laughing and teasing each other as our dates tried to cut into the picture. It was a happy, carefree time, and I found myself smiling as the picture-Nate put his chin on my shoulder and grinned at the camera. I missed him.

"Oi! Lily!" I looked around to see James holding a present out for me. "Happy Christmas!" I smiled, untangling myself from my blanket to take it and unwrap it carefully, making sure not to rip the wrapping paper. I flipped the parcel over to see the entire series of James Bond movies. I let out a laugh. "No! Oh, my God, it's perfect! Thank you!" I chuckled, letting it rest on my lap. "Here you go," I held out his gift, and he took it, unwrapping it carefully. I was suddenly nervous. What if he didn't like it? Now it seemed like a stupid idea. He finally cast aside the paper and looked curiously down at the checkered chess board. "A chess set? Thanks, Lily. . ."

I grinned, reaching inside the board and pulling out the bag of pieces, which I dumped onto the board. They squawked angrily and righted themselves, before breaking out into the best version of _Under Pressure_ by Queen that I'd ever heard before. He watched, enthralled, as a bishop got down on one knee, hand reaching up towards me and belted out a solo.

"Do they do this all the time?" He asked in amazement as the white pieces finished and bowed as the black pieces applauded from where they sat, watching. I grinned. "Only with songs that they like, I think. You can play the radio to improve their taste."

He laughed, opening his arms in an invitation. I hugged him without thinking, his arms strong and comforting around me, his shirt soft against my cheek, breathing in his smell. I stepped away quickly. "Thank you, Lily," he smiled. "This is the best present I've ever gotten." I smiled back. "Same with mine, I think. We'll have to have a James Bond movie marathon." He laughed. "I'll look forward to it." He sat down at the table, and gestured for me to sit across from him. "But first I need to beat you at chess."

I laughed. "Oh, you so wish. You're on." And I sat down across from him and undoubtedly lost the game fifteen minutes later.

*

The snow had stopped by the time we got down to breakfast, and the Great Hall was decorated beautifully- sparkling tinsel and ornaments adorning the silver Christmas tree, and delicate snowflakes hovering in the air. I looked up at the ceiling- littered with clumps of white- and smiled happily, walking over to the tables pushed together in the center of the room. All the teachers had abandoned their table and had joined us, sporting new jumpers, hats or jewelry and smiling at us.

Breakfast was a quiet affair- only a couple students beside us had stayed at school for the holidays, and we ate as quickly as possible, and headed back up to the Common Room to clean up the mess we made, before running outside. The air was cool and crisp, and the snow light and moldable, and Aria and I pushed mounds of snow aside to make a snowman. Sean donated his scarf for the purposes of the sculpture, and I convinced James to give it his glasses for a picture. We laughed at how the snowman looked- its head lumpy and large, the glasses too small and lopsided over the carrot nose. James had squinted at the snowman, his eyes huge and liquid amber.

"I love Christmas," Aria sighed happily as we lay in snow drifts, staring up at the fragile branches of the evergreen trees above, snow lightly dusting my eyelashes. The others had gotten into another snowball fight, and we had sneaked off to the outskirts of the forest and been making snow angels. "It's such a family time."

"How is your family?" I asked tentatively, turning my head to the side to look over at her. "Are your parents still. . . ?"

She sighed, and gave a slight laugh that sounded more like a sob. "Still getting divorced? Yeah. You know what they gave me this year? A letter with a couple galleons in it and a card saying that they were glad I was leaving Hogwarts this year because they wouldn't have to stay together to appease me." I winced at the idea. "And what did you write back?"

"That their letter _really _cheered me up. I mean, I've always wanted my parents divorcing to be my Christmas present." She sighed. "I just don't want to think about it. I'll hate to leave this place," she waved her hand in an arc in the sky and sighed. "It's like my home now. And now it's chucking me out, too."

"Aria," I hesitated, unsure of what to say. "I was thinking. . . When we graduate, no matter what jobs we have, we should get a flat together. That way I can have someone to keep me company."

She turned her head to glance at me and smiled. "Really? You'd do that?" I smiled back. "Of course I would. I need a friend, when I go on to whatever job I'll have." She frowned suddenly. "But wouldn't you still be with Nate then? Don't you want to move in with him?"

I froze, glancing over at him with wide eyes. "Move _in_ with him?" I echoed. "God, I hope not. That. . . that's way too soon." She smiled understandingly. "Well, think about it, Lily. When you graduate, if you'll still be going out, you'll have been together for nine months. That's a pretty long time. He might expect it."

I grimaced. "I'll have to let him down gently, then. I don't know if I like him enough for _that_. But seriously, Aria, you should consider it."

"I'll do it," she told me, sitting up and brushing the snow out of her hair. "Don't worry about that. It would be a relief to get away from my parents." I sat up as well and pushed myself to my feet. "For me, too," I told her, offering my mittened hands to pull her up. "If I have to see Petunia again, I think I might wind up cursing her." She laughed, and we left the clearing to find Sean, crouched behind a tree. He looked up when we walked closer, and made a shhing gesture.

"Don't make a noise," he whispered, grabbing Aria's hand and pulling her down so that we were both ducking behind the tree with him. "If they find us. . ."

"What would happen?" Aria asked, trying not to laugh. He glanced at her, his eyes laughing. "Trust me, you don't want to get in the middle of this snowball fight," he commented, poking his head out to scan the grounds. "Okay. If you run now, you might be able to get into the castle without getting hit."

I glanced at Aria, whose hand was pressed against her mouth, trying to muffle her laughs. She nodded at me, grabbing my hand, and we ducked out from under the tree and started running, tripping over the snow banks and laughing as Aria's scarf snagged on a branch. Immediately, a snowball flew out from behind a rock, and there was Raye, grinning evilly at us as she prepared another. "I found them!"

Another snowball whooshed past my head, and I ducked, narrowly avoiding it. Everybody else had come out from their hiding spots, including Sean, who was laughing. I glared at him. "You set us up! You wanted us to get hit!" He shrugged, scooping up a handful of snow and lobbing it at us. "Sorry, Lily, but all's fair in love and war." I wasn't sure what _that _meant, but by the way he was looking at Aria, I had a pretty good idea. This, however, was no time to ponder mysteries. There was revenge to be had. I pulled my wand out of my pocket and flicked it, sending a pile of snow falling onto Sean's head. "Oops!" I called, as Aria laughed. "I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to!"

"You're dead!" He yelled cheerfully back, and I dropped to the ground, crawling toward the nearest shelter as snowballs came flying at my head. There was retaliation to be had.

*

The sun was setting by the time we headed into the castle, cheeks and noses rosy red, dripping melted snow and entirely winded, but laughing all the same. Golden light was spilling onto the stone floor as we pulled open the doors, from hundreds of lit candles around the hall. Our footsteps echoed around the empty hall, and we were just starting up the marble steps when a voice stopped us.

"Tracking snow onto the floor?"

I winced, turning around to see, unsurprisingly, Argus Filch, standing in the empty doorway, a kitten held tightly in his arms. I stared at it, and then back up at the old caretaker. "A kitten, sir?"

He scowled at me. "She's a Christmas gift. Her name is Mrs. Norris. Show some respect, Evans." I raised my eyebrows and ducked my head to hide my grin. "Who is responsible for the slush and filth all over my clean floors?" I turned to look down, and saw, with dread, melted snow and muddy slush trailing up the stairs to our feet. We all looked at each other. "Ah, the house elves?" James suggested, grinning.

"Detention! This is not a joking matter, Potter," Filch snarled, his hand tightening on the tiny tabby's neck. I almost felt pity for her, if it weren't for the fact that she was glaring at us just as vehemently as her master. "I just cleaned these floors last night. I want retribution." He raised his grizzly eyebrows and stared around at us all. I rolled my eyes, pulling out my wand and flicking it toward the floors, effectively vanishing the filth.

Filch, however, didn't look pleased. On the contrary, his grey eyes bulged, and a vein in his neck throbbed unattractively. "That's detention, Miss Evans," Filch spat out. "Deliberately. . . Flaunting. . . When you know. . ." I winced, tucking my wand away. I'd forgotten that Filch was a squib, and didn't exactly like it when students used magic in front of him. "You and Potter can scrub this floor tonight, if you don't think this is a big deal. And no magic."

"Great," I muttered, glancing over at James, who looked just as peeved. "See you then, sir," I called flippantly down to Filch, then turned my back and tramped back up the stairs, contemplating the dull and miserable task I had to look forward to this evening.

*

At seven, Filch came up to the Common Room, knocking incessantly on the Fat Lady's portrait until Olivia pulled it open. "Potter and Evans have their detention now," he sneered unpleasantly at her, and she grinned over her shoulder at me as I got to my feet reluctantly and followed James out of the door.

The spot of floor we had to clean looked pristine, white and sparkling in the torchlight. But Filch pointed down at it anyway, and held out a bucket and two scrubbing brushes, forcing them into our uneager hands. "Have fun," he leered at us, his new kitten trailing along at his feet, snuffling the floor and shooting us a sharp look, following him out of sight. I sighed, dipping my scrubber brush into the water and kneeling down to start scrubbing at the ground. James rolled up his sleeves, exposing long, tanned forearms and grabbed the other brush, settling himself down on the ground to get to work.

It was a long, tedious process, and my knees were rubbed raw and shoulders aching by the time we were done. I threw my brush done, pushing myself to my feet and stretched, arching my back to get rid of aches and pains. It didn't work. James got up as well, his collar loosened and forehead dotted with perspiration, his hair flattened, his skin fairly gleaming. "Do you see Filch?" He murmured, glancing around before discreetly vanishing the dirty water from the bucket and picking up the two brushes to drop them inside the bucket. I took its handle, depositing in the storage closet and we rushed up the marble stairs before Filch could see us.

"Well, I think this has been the worst Christmas I've had in a while," James commented wryly, reaching up to distractedly to brush his hair out of his face. He glanced at me quickly. "Having to scrub the floors, not, you know, the rest of the day." I nodded. "Yeah. . . I've had worse." I said, thinking of all the insults Petunia threw at me last year.

We continued on in silence, and I yawned, my eyelids drooping, too tired to pay attention to where we going. Because when I looked around at our surroundings, they were entirely unfamiliar. I froze, grabbing his arm to stop him going any farther. "James! Do you know where we are?"

He blinked, looking around as though clearing his mind, and turned to frown at me. "Do you?" We looked at each other in dread. "Damn," he muttered, reaching up to rub his eyes and look around again. "Do you even know how we got here?"

"No idea," I responded, regretting now not bringing my wand with me. It was lying up in my dormitory, utterly useless. From the way James was patting his pocket bemusedly, I could tell that he had left his behind as well. I sighed, slumping against the wall. "What are we going to do?"

"We're going to explore," he decided, reaching out to grab my hand and pull me up the hall, almost wrenching my arm out of my socket. "I've never seen this part of the castle before. I've got to tell. . . um. . ." he laughed hesitantly and then said quickly, "You know, this staircase looks like it'll take us somewhere interesting." I rolled my eyes at his logic, but allowed him to lead me down the dark stairs and out into another corridor, empty and barren-looking.

"Oh, I know where we are," he said suddenly, pulling me over to a tapestry hanging on the wall and brushing it aside. There was a doorknob, and he opened it and tugged me through after him. We were in another corridor now, and it was decorated festively with Christmas wreaths and ivy. I let out a sigh. Now I knew where we were as well- outside the Charms classroom. I let go of his hand, and we started through an archway at the same time. Immediately, my feet stuck to the floor, and I tripped, my arms flying out to brace myself. I pushed myself to my feet, blushing and rubbing my sore elbows, and saw to my surprise that James was just as immobilized.

I looked up, with dawning horror to see a small sprig of mistletoe, innocent and pretty, above our heads.

My eyes met with James, and he looked suddenly embarrassed. "Ah. . . I don't think. . ."

"We have to get back to the Common Room," I pointed out. "And this is the only way." He still looked unhappy. I held back a sigh. Was the idea of kissing me really that unpleasant to him? "Come on," I said. "We're friends. It's just one friendly kiss, and we can get back to our dormitories." He sighed, nodding, and stepped forward to take my head in between his hands, staring down at me. My breath caught in my throat, and I could feel my heartbeat fluttering in my chest as he bent down to brush his lips to mine, soft and gentle. He pulled back infinitesimally, his eyes large and right next to mine, and then bent to kiss me again. My eyelids fluttered shut.

I exhaled against his mouth, my arms going up to twine around his neck and I was kissing him back, and it was complete and utter bliss, and if I'd known he could kiss like this, I would have done it years ago. His hand pressed against the small of my back, pulling me closer to him, his other tangled in my long hair. I could smell his cologne, a cool masculine scent that made my mouth water, and I felt dizzy. He let out a soft groan, which effectively turned my legs to jelly and fizzed my nerves, and his lips felt utterly right against mine.

And that was why my eyes flew open, and I recognized who I was kissing, and I stepped back, pushing against his chest as he opened his eyes, looking disoriented and utterly kissable, his hair rumpled worse than ever, his cheeks flushed and eyes bright. I brought my hand up to cover my mouth, realizing what I was doing at last.

"Shit."

"Lily." He exhaled, looking awkward. "You have to know, I can't hide-"

"No," I stepped back even farther. It seemed the mistletoe had let us go. "I know. You have a girlfriend, and I love my boyfriend, and we shouldn't have. . ." I sighed, covering my face momentarily with my hands. "We should just. . . forget this ever happened, and never acknowledge it again?"

He stared at me for too long, and then ducked his head and nodded. "That's exactly what I was going to say. I'm. . . sorry."

"It's not your fault," I rubbed my cheek thoughtfully, and then started back up the corridor. "Well, at least we can go back up to the Common Room," I muttered, my breath still quick, my hands trembling. _Shit, shit, shit_. This was bad. This was _really _bad.

We made it back up to the Common Room in silence, without running into any other Christmas traps. The Fat Lady was snoring loudly, and it took James a couple of tries to wake her. She opened one beady eye, glaring at us, taking in his rumpled hair and my flushed cheeks. She smiled slightly. "And where were you two? I can imagine. . ."

"Peppermint sticks," I said crossly, and she had no choice but to swing open and let us in. The room was dark and empty, and I ran up the dormitory steps without saying good night and collapsed onto my bed, my nerves askew, and tried unsuccessfully to get to sleep with a million thoughts running around in my head.

*

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	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: Not mine. As usual. *sigh*

Chapter 17

Breakfast was quiet the next morning. I sat with my friends, not talking, spooning porridge into my mouth in a mechanical, unthinking way. Aria glanced at me. "Are you all right, Lily?" She whispered, while Raye and Olivia argued over which broomstick was the best. "Why are you so quiet?"

I swallowed, trying to fight back the surge of guilt. "I'm fine," I said unconvincingly, my eyes darting to the door as James Potter walked in, his hair damp and combed. I grimaced, dropping my spoon. I wasn't hungry anymore. Aria's eyes darted between him and me. "Did something happen?"

"Nothing import-" I was cut off as James sat himself next to Olivia, pulling a plate of toast towards himself and grinning around at us. "Good morning," he said cheerfully, stuffing the bread into his mouth. Aria raised an eyebrow at me while Olivia greeted him. "Are you kidding me? The Cleansweep is the worst broom ever invented," he commented, sliding into Olivia and Raye's conversation as though he were invited.

I stared. He hadn't looked at me once. Did our kiss mean nothing to him? I couldn't help feeling guilty over it, and wishing it had never happened. But it seemed that he had no conscience where cheating on his girlfriend came in. I pushed myself away from the table, smiling in a fake way as they looked around at me. "Don't mind me, I have to go upstairs. See you." I started away from the table.

"Wait, Lily," I turned to see James hurrying to catch up. He steered me away from the table, out of earshot of my curious friends. "Are you okay?"

I rolled my eyes. "Of course I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Listen," he sighed. "What happened last night. . . It was nothing, right? We can pretend it never happened, if it makes you feel better." He stared at me, willing me to say something with his eyes. I sighed again and ducked my head. "All right. Friends?" I held out my hand in offering. He grinned and took it. "Friends," he responded, before pivoting around and jogging back over to the breakfast table. I shook my head in disbelief, and headed up the marble stairs and back to the Common Room. Aria, gulping her breakfast down, followed.

...............................................................................

"Nate!'

I gaped. He was sitting on a couch by the window, looking windswept and handsome. Hie eyes found me, and he grinned, getting to his feet and stretching out his arms in invitation. I squealed, pushing myself off the chair and running toward him, throwing my arms around his neck as he lifted me off my feet, twirling me around. I laughed and pushed away, as he bent down to kiss me.

"What are you doing here?" I broke away, tilting my head so that I could look up into his face. "You said you wouldn't be here for another week!"

"I know," he sighed, crushing me closer to him and burying his face in my hair. "But I missed you." I smiled and reached my arms up to link them around his back. "I missed you more," I closed my eyes and pressed my cheek against his chest, breathing in his familiar, comforting smell. "I'm glad you came back," I whispered, and I stretched up on tip toe to kiss him.

A clearing of the throat made me break away and turn around. The entire Gryffindor Common Room was watching us with amusement. Aria wolf-whistled. I blushed and ducked my head as Nate laughed.

"Let's go ice-skating," he said recklessly, grabbing my hand and tugging on it, grinning down at me. I laughed, lacing my fingers through his hand and allowing him to pull me down the hall and out the castle. The air was bitingly cold, and I regretted not bringing a coat. I pulled my wand out of my pocket and flicked it toward my sweater, transfiguring it into a bulky parka. Nate wrapped his arm around my shoulder, laughing, as the snowflakes sprinkled into my hair and shoulders.

"There's a problem," I told him, as he steered us off the path and through the thick snow towards the lake. He glanced over at me, a pucker between his brows. He looked disappointed. I laughed, and threw my arm around his waist. "No, it's just- we don't have ice skates!"

"Lily Evans," he said in a mock irritated voice. "Are you a witch or not?" He chuckled as I smacked his arm, and pointed my wand to transfigure our shoes into skates. I turned my feet to the side to admire the skates. "I didn't know you could ice skate," I told him, grabbing his hand again as I attempted to step onto the slick ice. "You're wizard-born, aren't you? I thought only Muggles ice skated?"  
Nate smiled. "My mother was Muggle-born, so she wanted me to have both parts of the world."

I smiled back, grabbing onto his shoulders to keep from tumbling over. He had told me his mother had been killed by the Death Eaters before, like mine, and I knew that time may ease the pain, but it still hurt. He sighed, shaking his head, and followed me onto the ice.

The skates felt strange on ice, like my feet would slide out from under me. I hobbled across, more stepping over the slippery surface than gliding. Nate pushed away from the bank, doing a perfect lap around the lake before coming to a stop in front of me. He offered his hand, and I took it gratefully, letting him tow me around. The skates felt more natural without my weight on top of them. I shrieked as the wind flew through my hair, whipping it out behind me.

It was the closest to flying I could have ever had. My ankles ached and my legs wobbled violently, but I held on to his gloved hand as he pulled me effortlessly over the ice. At last, he relinquished my hand, and I yelped, my arms coming out in front of me as I continued sliding on my own. I tripped over a lump of ice, and went sprawling across the ice, effectively bruising both my elbows and knees.

I heard a chuckle as a clothed knee appeared next to my face, and then I saw Nate's hand reaching down to help me. I sat up, wincing, as Nate sat down next to me. "You all right? Anything broken?"

"Just my ego," I joked, pushing myself to my feet and wobbling. He stretched out a hand to take mine again, and this time towed me over to a snowbank nearby, where he flopped down next to me.

He pulled a brightly wrapped parcel out of from his coat pocket. I grabbed it and unwrapped it eagerly to find a red-leather book. I flipped through it to find the yellowing parchment pages full of poems. I looked at Nate quizzically. He shrugged, grabbing a strand of my hair and twisting it between his fingers. "Tennyson," he told me, tucking the twist behind my ear. "I thought you might like them. I have a copy of the book of my own, and it's helped me through some hard times." I ran my fingers almost reverently over the gold-embossed cover. "Thank you," I said sincerely. "He's one of my favorites." I opened the book to read the first poem, and a bookmark fell out.

It was a photograph, and I wasn't sure who had taken it, or when it happened, but it depicted two tiny figures- Nate and I- down by the lake. I was smiling impishly up at Nate's photgraphed self, standing up on tiptoes to whisper into his ear. His face changed from curiosity to amusement as he hugged me tightly, both our faces glowing with pleasure. I looked up at the photo to grin at Nate. "We're such a cute couple!" I teased, resting my head on his shoulder. "Thank you so much."

..................................................................

The Common Room was nearly full when we got back. People were arriving, earlier than expected, probably because of the lovely weather. I perched myself on a couch next to Aria, who was inspecting a tiny necklace with a strange expression on her face.

"What is it?" I asked, grabbing the necklace to look at it. A delicate, silver pendant with a deep blue jewel the precise color of Aria's eyes hung on a fine chain. "It's beautiful. Who gave it to you?"  
"Sean," she said, her brows contracting over her nose. "Isn't that strange? Why would he do that?"

I tried not to laugh. She seemed utterly perplexed as to why a boy would give her a present like that. "Ari. Sean likes you."

"What?"

"He looooves you," I teased her, swinging the necklace near her. "He wants to shower you in presents, and hold your hand between classes." She continued to stare at me with wide eyes. "What, you didn't even suspect that?"

"But. . . Why would somebody like me?"

I put my arm around her, my teasing fading at her anguished expression. "Aria, people like you. What makes it so strange for you to hear that?"

She sniffled slightly, pillowing her head on my shoulder. "Look at me. I'm so messed up, I don't know why anybody would want to be with me." I smacked the top of her head. "Ow!" She looked up at me reproachfully. "What was that for?"

"You're not messed up," I told her firmly. "Do you know how many boys want to be with you? Honestly, Aria. There's nothing wrong with you. Have you thanked Sean yet?"

She blushed, which I took to mean no. "At least tell him you appreciate it, even if you don't like him like that."

"I don't know who I like, like that," she said mournfully. "Sometimes I think I'll never like anyone but Sirius." I frowned, but tightened my grip on her and listened. "And it hurts, here," she pressed her hand to her chest. "Because he's so perfect, but. . . so messed up, too. Does that make sense?" I nodded. "And I can't help but compare every boy that I talk to, every bloke who asks me out with him. Nobody can make me feel as alive as he does."

"At least give Sean a chance," I told her, after mulling her words over. "He's a nice enough guy. Just talk with him, or something. You shouldn't be hung up over Sirius forever."

She gave me a sideways look, opened her mouth to say something, and then seemed to think better of it. Instead, she stuffed the necklace in her pocket. "I guess you're right. Thanks, Lil."

"Anytime."

I watched her go to thank Sean, with a strange expression on my face. I was worried about Aria. Not like I had been a month ago, when she had been utterly insane, but it still made me uncomfortable to see how much she liked Sirius. No matter who disagreed with me, I knew that Sirius wasn't the right choice for any girl to fall in love with, and expect a future with. And although Aria seemed much happier these days, I knew that she would always like him until she learned to accept that he could never like her back and let him go. And if he _did _like her back, well. . . He still wasn't the type of person to have a meaningful relationship with. I smiled as I thought of that, and looked over at Nate. I never would have guessed that we would have gotten along so perfectly as we did now. Being with him made me happier than I had been in months.

So why did it make me uncomfortable to think of James Potter, and mistletoe?

........................................................................................

The light began to fade from the windows, and I yawned, snuggling closer to Nate on the sofa as he moved a chess piece forward, laughing as Sean made some joke at the other side of the chess board. His arm went around me, playing with a piece of my hair, and I closed my eyes, ready to fall asleep.

There was a knocking on the Portrait Hole, and I opened my eyes and looked around to see if anyone would answer it. The knocking continued, loud and incessant, and I rolled my eyes, shoving off of Nate, and pushing myself to my feet. "I'm coming, I'm coming," I said crossly, pulling open the door. "Oh- Emily!"

"Hi, Lily!" Emily was standing outside the Portrait, her dark hair twisted back from her pretty face, smiling at me with a suitcase dragging along behind her. "How are you?" She dropped her suitcase handle and opened her arms to hug me. "Did you have a good Christmas?"

"Yeah, it was great!" I pulled back and stepped aside to let her through. "I didn't realize you'd be back so soon." She laughed, rummaging for something in her bag and turned to smile at me. "I caught an early train. My parents were going to France to visit my brother and his wife."

"Well, I'm glad you're back-" I started, but was cut off as Emily's friends, Nicole and Isabelle came rushing up to her, the group leader, squealing, and threw their arms around her. "We missed you!" Isabelle, a pretty, petite girl gushed, grabbing her suitcase as Nicole led Emily away from me. She turned to glance apologetically over her shoulder. "Nice to see you, Lily," she called, before James walked over, appraising her, before reaching out to hug her. She laughed, tilting her face up as he kissed her, and Nicole and Isabelle exchanged a satisfied look and went off to bring her bags up.

I sighed, turning away from this display to find Aria. I was in desperate need of some cheering up.

.............................................................................................

"I still don't see why this is necessary," I complained for the hundredth time, crossing my arms over my chest as Aria attacked my eyelids with an eyeliner pencil, smearing the creamy black liner close to my lashes.

"It's New Year's Eve," she told me, throwing the eyeliner onto her bed and inspecting me critically. She grabbed my hair-tie and yanked it out, tousling my straight hair with her fingers. "It's supposed to be _fun_. Live a little, Lils."

It was December thirty-first, and the people in the Common Room downstairs were setting up for a party. It was probably illegal, and we would all get into trouble if McGonagall found out, but according to Aria, the New Year's Eve party had been going on for years in rotating rooms, and the staff was yet to discover it. This year, unfortunately, as it was being held in the Gryffindor Common Room, I had no choice but to go and party with the others, or tune out the screams and loud music coming from below and try to sleep.

I rolled my eyes, shoving her away and getting to my feet to look down at my outfit. "Not this much fun." I was wearing a deep purple dress that came down to mid-thigh, strapless and clinging, and shimmering iridescently. The waistband came underneath my bust, and tied around in the back in a big bow. To make matters worse, Aria had forced me into high heels- _high_, high heels, probably about seven centimeters tall; silver and strappy. I fiddled with the end of a lock of red hair nervously. "Aria, this isn't me. Nate's going to see it and laugh himself silly."

"Are you kidding me?" She gave the last-finishing touches on her hairstyle, and shot me an incredulous look. "Nate's going to see you, and wonder how he got so lucky. You look _hot_."

I blushed, and rolled my eyes. She, of course, looked beautiful, in a black lacy dress that clung to her midsection and floated away from the waist, like a flower. Her hair was swept away from her face in curls, and she was wearing pearl earrings, along with the necklace Sean had given her. "I see _you_ like the necklace after all."

Her fingers drifted up to rest on it, and she grinned. "I thought I might give him a chance. You never know when boys will surprise you. And anyway, it is pretty."

That it was, I thought, unbuckling the shoes I was wearing surreptitiously and slipping on a pair of pretty black flats instead. If I tripped in the middle of the party now, at least it wouldn't hurt so much. I sighed, resisting the urge to flop onto the bed because it would mess up my dress, and fiddled nervously with my hands. Aria rolled her eyes, hopping on one foot as she put on the high heels I had discarded. "Relax. It'll be fun. With any luck, you'll be drunk by the end of the night anyway."

"I don't drink," I said coldly, thinking of how drunk she had been only a few weeks before. "And anyway, I'm not even eighteen yet."

"So?" She grabbed a tiny silver clutch and threw some extra makeup, tissues and galleons into it. "It's not like it matters, anyway. Let's go." She grabbed my arm, towing me out the dormitory door and down the stairs, her heels clicking loudly. I squirmed, already feeling out of my comfort zone. The Common Room was packed, music blasting over a radio, people dancing together in the middle of the floor. I couldn't make out any familiar faces, but by the tight, short dresses and colorful suits, I could tell that we would fit right in. Aria grinned over at me, tugging me through a crowd of people toward a table of drinks. She ordered Firewhiskey, and I blatantly refused, grabbing a plastic cup of butterbeer instead.

"Aw, come on, Lily," Aria wheedled, dangling her cup in front of me. "Let loose, for once." I shoved it away, laughing, and she took a gulp of it, sighing in appreciation. "You don't know what you're missing." I grinned. A hand fell heavily on my shoulder, and I started, spinning around to see Nate, his dress shirt open at the collar, his hair heavily tousled and his cheeks flushed with colour. "Hey," he said, bending down to kiss me, then straightening up to look over me appreciatively. "You look beautiful."

I blushed as Aria shot an I-told-you-so look over her shoulder as she went to find Raye. I grabbed his hand, snuggling my way into his side as he threw an arm over my shoulder. "You don't look so bad yourself."

He laughed and tapped my nose affectionately, steering me away from the drink table toward the dance floor. I handed my butterbeer to a passing fourth year who was heading for the firewhiskey. Might as well head off underage drinking while I could. The music was loud and pulsating to a heady beat, and I put my arms around his neck as his palms found their way to the small of my back, crushing me against him. I tipped my head back, resting my chin on the middle of his chest. "Happy New Year, Nate."

"Almost," he said. "I've never been to one of these parties before. Have you?"

"Me?" I laughed. "Do I look like the partying type?" He grinned suddenly, his eyes glinting in the low light. "Well, right now, yes, you do," he said in a low voice that made me shiver pleasantly. I turned my face so that my cheek was resting against his shirt, closing my eyes and swaying to the music as I heard people laughing and shrieking around us.

The party went on. It wasn't as bad as I originally thought, especially since I was there with Nate. A Silencing spell had been cast over the whole common room so that nobody would hear anything, and all the fifth years and above from all different houses were grouped there. It was surprising how many people I didn't know. It was late, much later than I would ever have stayed up on a school night, but this wasn't one, so I figured my textbooks could do with a break from me for one evening.

Aria grabbed me away from Nate as the band on the radio struck up a particularly jazzy song, and I followed her out into the middle of the dance floor, laughing as Raye, Olivia, Sara, and other girls from our year joined in with us. A disco ball had been transfigured from a candle holder, and it was whirling around, creating spots of light that zoomed over us.

As the night wore out, though, I noticed that Aria seemed to be having a particularly good time. She was avoiding boys in general, though I noticed more than a few were watching her eagerly, and danced with Olivia, who was also dateless. But as a slow song came on, and I put my arms around Nate and leaned into him, smiling happily, I saw her dancing with Sean, Nate's friend, wrapped in his arms, and looking slightly awkward, but cheerful all the same. From across the room, I saw Sirius watching them with an unreadable expression on his face. I only hoped that he would keep his distance and give her some space.

The music suddenly stopped, and an amplified voice came through the tinny speakers of the radio. "Ladies and gentlemen, it's almost twelve o'clock! So make your resolutions, grab someone to kiss, and say hello to the New Year!" I laughed, as the people on the dance floor whooped and cheered appreciatively. The announcer began to count down, and the students joined in.

"FIVE. . . FOUR. . . THREE. . . TWO. . . ONE. . . HAPPY 1978!" The people around us shrieked, and I looked up at Nate just as he leaned down to kiss me, his lips sweet and searching against mine. My eyes fluttered shut, and I twined my arms around his neck as he lifted me off my feet to spin me around.

"Happy New Year, Lily," he said, grinning, as he put me down and pulled away. I smiled back up at him, hugging my arms around his waist, and wondering if it was possible to feel any more happy or contented with my life than I was at that moment. His arms went around my shoulders, and we stayed like that, unmoving, unspeaking, just drawing our comfort from each other, before the party broke up and we headed back to our respective dormitories.

.......................................................................................

Sleep was welcome that night. Somebody, the house elves, probably, had warmed the sheets, so that I was toasty warm. I sighed happily, the pillow soft under my head as my eyes fluttered shut.

A noise penetrated my quiet. I frowned, irritated, willing it to go away. It was a kind of sob, breathy and punctuated with hiccups, followed by a sniffle. I opened my eyes with regret, as the sound continued. Pushing myself to my feet, I grabbed my dressing gown and shrugged it over my shoulders, tying the belt around my waist and shoving my cold feet into slippers before padding down the stairs.

A girl was on the sofa, crumpled in a ball, tears rolling down her cheeks. Her shoulders shook with nearly silent sobs, her hair dark. I made my way carefully over, loud enough so that she could hear me.

"Emily? Is that you?" I looked closer at the unhappy heap on the sofa, and perched myself beside it. The girl looked up, and I could see that, indeed, it was Emily, her careful makeup gone, her hair sloppily thrown up, her eyes red. "Hey, what's wrong?" I asked gently. She gave a hiccupy laugh and wiped her eyes on her sleeve.

"I'm sorry. Just. . . give me a moment." I put my arm around her shoulder. "What happened? You can tell me." Her shoulders went up protectively. "It's just. . . James. . ."

"Oh, no. What did he do now?" Emily turned away, trying to compose herself. "Do I need to hunt him down and bring him back in here?" She shook her head vehemently, her eyes wild. "No, no, he didn't do anything." I waited patiently, and finally she sighed. "I broke up with him."

"What? Why? I thought you loved him! He loves you!"

She brought her hands up to her face and took a deep breath, before lowering them into her lap. "I do love him. And then. . ."

"But what?" I prompted, ready to find James and kill him. "What happened?"

She sighed, turning to look me in the eyes, and through her tears, I could tell that she was weary, and had already given up. "And then I saw the way he looks at you."

**A/N- I hope an extra longish chapter will make up for the fact that I've left you hanging from the last chapter. Sorry. I know that all of you are going to be furious with me for what happened. . . *runs and ducks for cover under a large rock***

**If you have any questions or comments that you don't want to leave in a review, you can contact me at purplepear 87 gmail . com (without spaces. . . stupid fanfiction!)**

**Thanks :)  
**


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

It was as if the world had tilted on its axis, and my entire perspective had changed. James Potter _loved _me? Not liked, not fancied, but loved me? It couldn't be. I barely even knew him. It was a weapon, this knowledge, and James was practically kneeling before me, his soul bare and ready for me to stab it through him. And I could have killed him with its sharpness, but I couldn't. I wasn't like Sirius.

In order to protect, Emily, him, and myself, too, I didn't tell anybody. When Aria asked me why I was so pale the next morning, why I refused to go down to breakfast, I looked away, mumbling something about the flu. She offered to conjure up some medicine, but when I refused, gathered a blanket and some hot chocolate and tucked me into bed.

But in the end I hauled myself up and took a shower, feeling sorry for myself as I pulled on my uniform and brushed out my wet hair. Slipping my bookbag over my shoulder, I headed down to the first lesson of the next school term, Potions. Sara was already set up at our usual table, and I dumped my books on it, slumping down in the chair.

"I thought you were sick," she commented, pulling ingredients out of her bag and lining them up in front of us. "That's what Aria told us."

"Oh. . . I, um, had a miraculous recovery."

She shot me an amused look and uncorked a vial of some potent-looking ingredient, dumping it in and showing me the recipe from her book. We were making a potion to cure sleeplessness, and I sighed, wishing I'd had it last night.

Somebody dumped their books on the desk behind me, giving a tiny cough. I jumped, looking around nervously to come face to face with James Potter. He smiled at me. I turned to face front so fast that I experienced whiplash. I heard him mutter something to Remus, but I tuned it out, hyper-aware of how tense I was, how he might be watching me even now, and I wouldn't know if he was.

"Lily."

I blinked, looking around to see Sara staring down at me with concern. "Are you all right?" She asked, twirling her wand between her fingers as it shot a stream of cool air over the simmering potion.

"Fine," I said unconvincingly, grabbing my textbook and flipping to the right page. "What do you want me to do, again?"

While I waited for knowledge, I avoided James Potter like the plague. If I saw him coming down the hallway towards me, I turned and went the other way. If he sat next to me at the breakfast table, I tilted my body away from him and talked to whoever was on my other side. I was scared of what this would mean for both of us.

Because, in all honesty, I knew that I was attracted to him. It was given, I supposed, from how often we were pushed together, and that he _was _good-looking and fun to talk to. And that kiss. . . Well, there had been some kind of feeling there. I wasn't completely clueless. But I couldn't allow myself to wish for anything. I had Nate. I loved Nate. James was just an irritation at this point, trying to drive us apart. I couldn't allow it.

The other half of the time, when he wasn't trying to talk with me or get me to talk with him, I wondered if Emily really knew what she was talking about. He didn't seem to be any more careful around me than he usually was. And when he realized that, for some strange reason, I was ignoring him, he turned his attention to his ever-present group of admirers, and the sounds of him laughing and flirting with them carried me down the hall, echoing irritatingly in my ears.

To anybody who didn't know James, he seemed unaffected by what had happened. He continued to laugh with his friends, did all his schoolwork and flirted with girls. Like he had never cared about Emily; like she was just another notch on a bedpost. And indeed, that was how many people who didn't know the couple personally were thinking of it, that James must have dumped her for his latest conquest. But I, watching him carefully, noted that his smile seemed a little too force, his eyes hollow, and his silence meaningful.

Emily seemed to be doing badly. Her eyes were red, her uniform lopsided, socks puddling around her ankles. Her friends constantly tailed her, arms around her shoulders, all the while shooting me accusing glares. That certainly didn't help my state of mind. For some time, I was angry that Emily had told her friends, but I rallied at once. What would I do, if I thought Nate was in love with another girl? I would tell my friends, of course. The thought went through me like an icy dagger.

Nate was cluelessly unaware, and I was incredibly grateful. He would be furious if he learned what had happened on Christmas, or the reason Emily and James had split up. So I focused myself into my schoolwork, turning down my friend's requests when they asked me to come hang out with them and the boys. I couldn't handle it right now.

"All right, Lily."

I looked up from my essay. Aria was standing over me, hands fisted on her hips, glaring down in an uncharacteristically sharp look. "What?" I asked innocently.

"Spill. What happened?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." I lied, tilting my hair forward to shield my face and scribbling over a tangled sentence.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about." I heard a chair scraping out, and Aria sat down next to me, leaning forward on the table. "What's gotten into you? I don't think you've hung out with us since the party, and you never take your head out of the book! You never do your homework this early!"

"I felt like I was getting behind?" It sounded like a question, even to my ears. Aria rolled her eyes. "Come on. The only time you throw yourself into your schoolwork is when James is a. . . oh, god."

"What?" I looked up so fast I got a crick in my neck. Wincing and rubbing at it, I stared at her, mind whirring frantically. "James is a what?"

"What happened between you and James?"

Her voice was gentle, soothing, and it was that more than anything else that made me sigh, drop my quill and fold in on myself. She listened to me talk, her eyebrows drawing closer and closer together over the bridge of her nose, and finally sighed when I stopped talking.

"So, you kissed James, and then Emily broke up with him and you don't know whether you fancy him or not?"

"I don't fancy him!" I covered my mouth with my hand and looked around sheepishly, startled by the loud outburst. "I don't fancy him," I hissed, leaning forward toward her. "I'm just. . .confused. I don't want James to like me!"

"You know what you need, honey?" She put out her hand, offering it to me, and I took it, allowing her to pull me to my feet, where she put her arm around me and led me off to the dormitories. "You need a girl's night."

By girl's night, Aria meant, watch-a-girly-movie-in-the-dormitory-to-purge-our-troubles night. I had introduced my entire dormitory to Muggle films the first year I had arrived, and Aria had purchased a tiny black and white television over the summer with her earnings that she'd gotten permission to hook up in our room. It was known to stall and was quite staticky, but there was nothing better than curling up in bed with popcorn and hot chocolate, and watching movies to our heart's content. Tonight we were watching a particularly light, fluffy film in which everything turned out right in the end. I sighed as the credits rolled over, the sound distorted.

"I love a happy ending," Aria sniffed, wiping away a fake tear and putting the popcorn bowl on the bedside table. She got up to flick the power, and sprawled across the bed next to me, looking carefully at my face. I looked back at her.

"But what are you going to do about James?" She asked, so soft I had to lean forward to catch her words. I sighed and dropped my head back against my pillow. "Pretend he doesn't exist?"

"Seriously, Lily." She situated herself in a more comfortable matter, fixing me with a McGonagall-worthy stare. "You can't deny that you do have feelings for him." I blushed and ducked my head, but didn't bother to say anything. She looked on in sympathy. "The real question is, whether you like him or Nate better."

"There's no question!" I pushed myself to a sitting position and stared her down. "James doesn't like me. Emily only thought he did. That doesn't mean that he actually does! She's always been. . . dramatic. There's no reason to ask myself if I would ditch Nate for him, because he hasn't actually asked me!"

She heaved a sigh, rolling her eyes. "You are such a-"

"And furthermore," I grabbed my pajamas and headed for the showers, turning to talk over my shoulder. "I would never leave Nate for anybody, so it doesn't matter anyway."

On the thirtieth of January, I woke early and lay in bed, listening to the rain pour down the windowpane, like tears on the glass. I stared up at the red velvet drapings for a long time before remembering why I felt so sad.

It was the morning of my eighteenth birthday. The day I would have been in age in the Muggle world. And my mother wasn't here to celebrate it with me. It shouldn't have mattered. She had been dead for three months now, and I could never get over it, but I had accepted it, and trained myself not to think about it. But on an important day like this, I missed her more than ever. Especially her witty, loving letters that she would send me recording the happenings I had missed since Christmas.

I finally dragged myself to my feet, hurried to the bathroom and showered, before tying my hair back with a gold ribbon and slipping on a collared shirt and grey flannel skirt. I made my way back to the dorm room and made my bed, before sliding on my shoes. The room was unusually quiet, and I didn't want to wake anybody up. I tip-toed down the stairs, and curled up on a sofa in the Common Room.

Aria came down the stairs a few minutes later, and climbed onto the couch next to me. "Happy birthday, Lily," she whispered, throwing her arms around me and squeezing me closer to her. "Eighteen's a big number!"

"Thank you," I said, carefully detaching myself from her and leaning back against the cushion back. She waited for me to say something, so I turned my head and smiled quickly before looking quickly away again. "Lily." She said warningly. "What's wrong?"

I sighed, drawing my knees up under my chin. "I just. . . miss her."

She put her arm around me again. "Your mother again?"

I nodded. "I know I shouldn't miss her anymore, but. . ." I let my voice trail off and swallowed, hard. She sighed. "Look, I know I'm not an expert on this, or anything. But you can't forget about her. Nobody can take the place of your mom, and you should hold onto all the memories you have of her. Nobody's going to judge you."

I felt the tears rising up in my eyes, and rested my head on her shoulder. That made the most sense I'd heard yet. Aria leaned her head on top of mine, and we sat in silence.

Breakfast was quiet, and the sky was grey and gloomy. We grabbed seats and started eating. The owls came in, and dropped the Daily Prophet in front of me. I rolled the string off and unrolled it, to see a picture of the Dark Mark, with a headline above declaring,

_Death Eaters Sighted Around Hogsmeade._

** Rumors concerning the whereabouts of You-Know-Who and his followers are flying around, saying that the most feared wizard of all time has stationed his Death Eaters near Hogsmeade, and, also, the famous school of Hogwarts. Extra security precautions have been put up in the village, but none are guaranteed to keep him out.**

** Residents are encouraged to stay inside, or go around in groups of other wizards and witches, and to keep wands on them at all times. Safety plans should be reviewed, as well as security measures and questions. Cautiousness is urged.**

"Lily."

I looked up to see Severus. He smiled. I frowned, and put down the paper, feeling slightly ill. "What's wrong?"

"Happy eighteenth," he said breathlessly, passing me a small parcel. "Hope you have a good day." I took it, bemused. Sev hadn't talked to me in months, since my mother died. "Thank you," I said slowly, tucking the present away in my pocket. "Listen, Sev-"

"I'm sorry I haven't had the time to see you lately," he told me, shoving his hands into his pockets and grinning down at me. I hadn't seen him look so cheerfully in a long time. "I've been quite busy."

"It's fine." It was an automatic response. I looked down at my half-eaten plate of food, then back up at him. "Sev. This isn't working."

"What do you mean?"

I sighed. "Our friendship! I can't do this anymore."

"Why not?" He frowned. I bit my lip. "I thought it was going well after, you know, what happened. . ."

"It's not." I tilted my head to find words to describe what I was feeling to him. "You're such a nice guy, Sev, but your friends. . ."

"What about them?" He asked crossly. Another reflex. We were slipping into the same argument. I glanced over at Aria, who was watching curiously, but met my eyes and busied herself with pouring orange juice.

"The Death Eaters killed my mother," I said bluntly. He ducked his head. "And you and your friends, you're going to join up once you leave school. There's no question anymore!" He looked up, but didn't deny it.

I sighed, and stood up to press a kiss to his cheek. "I'm sorry, Sev," I told him truthfully. "But we just can't be friends anymore."

He stood there, hand pressed to his cheek, his eyebrows drawn over his eyes. I sat back down and shoveled another spoonful of eggs into my mouth. They tasted like cardboard. A hand rested on my shoulder, and I looked around to see Nate sliding onto the bench next to me. He slung his arm around my shoulder and kissed my cheek, before looking quizzically over at Severus. "Can I help you?"

Sev glanced from Nate to me. I looked up and nodded. His face fell, and he turned and walked back toward the Slytherin table, but not before I caught the hurt and disappointment on his face. I swallowed, and tried to smile at Nate as he wished me a happy birthday.

The day went slowly, and classes seemed longer and more boring than usual. I found myself dozing off, my cheek pressed against my hand so hard that it left a red print. I had opened Severus's present reluctantly, after Transfiguration, and found a photograph of the two of us, when we were barely more than twelve, laughing as the wind whipped around us. We were holding hands It made my throat ache with regret, and yet I knew I had made the right choice by telling him that I didn't want to be friends.

Qnce I had finished dinner, I made my way back to the Common Room. This had been the worst birthday I'd had in a long time, and my friends hadn't even sat with me at dinner. I wondered if they were ditching me.

"Fiddlesticks," I said gloomily to the Fat Lady, and she winked at me. "Quite right," she trilled, before swinging open a crack. I shot her a curious look as I pried the door all the way open, climbed over the step, and gaped at the sight before me.

All my friends were standing around the fire, presents stacked on chairs, a giant cake on the table. "Surprise!" They shouted, and Aria shot confetti into the air. I gaped. "You. . . _guys_," I managed, as Nate came forward to hug me, and Raye towed me toward the couches. All my friends were there- Aria, Raye, Sara, Olivia, Nate, Sean, Remus, Peter, Sirius, and even James. I smiled around at them as they forced me down onto the couch.

"Happy birthday, Lily," Olivia told me, passing me a present. "We noticed you looked a bit. . .down, at breakfast."

"A _bit_?"

"Shut it," Olivia said cheerfully to Sirius, who smirked in response. "Anyway, we thought it'd be fun to surprise you. You're only eighteen once."

I put my arms around her and planted a kiss on her cheek. "Thank you," I whispered to her, and carefully undid the ribbon around her present, before starting neatly on the wrapping paper. She rolled her eyes and grabbed the present from me, ripping the paper off, and handing it to me. "Olivia!" I laughed at the present- a snowglobe with her face in it. "Thanks a lot." She grinned, as I shook it, and a blizzard started around on the inside.

Most of the presents were like that, funny and cute- a little bottle of firewhiskey, some scented perfume, crazy socks, a tiny bubblegum machine, and cards and galleons from those who couldn't make it, including Emily. Aria's present was particularly touching- a drawing of me, small and framed. I stared down at it. She had captured my face perfectly, but somehow it was more beautiful and delicate than I could ever be. I placed it reverently on the table, making a mental note to ask her when she had found time to draw it. Raye lit the candles of the cake with a flick of her wand, and I made a wish before taking a deep breath and blowing all eighteen out. Olivia started cutting the cake and serving it to people, and Nate handed me a tiny box.

I unwrapped it carefully, and opened it to find a small locket, tarnished gold with a beautiful engraved flower into it. I looked curiously at him. "Nate, what's this?" He took it from my hands and unhooked the chain. "It was your mother's," he told me quietly, as everyone talked and laughed. "I wrote to your father and asked if she had anything that he wanted to give you for your birthday. He sent this back, and apparently she wore it on her wedding and every day since."

I bit down hard on my lip, to stop the tears. He wiped away a stray one and put the locket around my neck as I lifted my hair. I looked around and smiled at him, before reaching up to kiss him. He pulled away after a bit and smoothed my hair, towing me over to get a slice of cake. I smiled, my hand reaching up to touch the locket now nestled in the hollow of my neck, and my eyes met James'. He was watching us, and there was such an expression of hurt and disappointment that it took my breath away. He looked away quickly, and I couldn't help but wonder how much Emily had meant to him.

**Author's Note: Oh Lily, what are we going to do with her?**

**You know, when I post a new chapter, I work really hard on writing these, and I put feelings in them. And I don't know if anybody likes it, unless they review. I can't perform legilimency (I wish) so I don't know if my writing sucks.**

**But for those of you that do review, it makes my day. Truly. I can't thank you enough, (the five or six of you) and I usually do message you back with a response to whatever you write. So please *please* review?**


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

February started, and with it came a heavy blizzard and cold winds. Snow piled up, and Herbology was transferred to a classroom indoors. I sat, huddled under my big overcoat, scarves looped around my neck, mittens and an over-sized hat pulled on, as Professor Sprout called out our partners for the next big project we'd be working on.

"Davies and Roberts. . ." She called in her squeaky little voice. "Lupin and Chang. . ." Raye smiled weakly and went to sit next to Remus. "Black and Evans. . ." She continued calling names, but I sat in a stunned silence. Black? _Sirius _Black, my partner for the next term? I didn't think I could handle it.

The chair next to mine pulled out, and Black seated himself in it. I glanced at him, and saw that he didn't look any happier with the new arrangement than I was. It gave me some kind of satisfaction.

"Your project," Professor Sprout said, folding the parchment list under her arm and fixing us with an uncharacteristic stare. "Will be to raise and grow blood grass." She held up a packet of seeds and shook them. "Does anybody know what blood grass is?"

My arm was too bundled to raise it, and I scowled as Black realized my dilemma and smirked at me. Professor Sprout looked around. "Nobody?" I made one last triumphant effort to raise my arm, then resigned myself to Sprout's lecture that I couldn't take part of. "Blood grass is a magical plant that can be brewed by professional potion makers to create a potion that will cause invisibility once it is drunk. It has been a Muggle tale for hundreds of years, and the base of many stories and television programs. Many Muggles are still looking for it."

"What's telly-vision?" I heard Sirius ask, and rolled my eyes, not bothering to answer him.

"Now, we're going to cultivate these plants and turn them over to Professor Slughorn. These are extremely rare seeds, and I will be helping you to make sure that all the plants will survive and thrive."

She passed out ceramic trays filled with rich soil, and two seeds for each pair. I pressed my finger into the soil to create a slight indentation that I dropped the seed into. I patted the soil back over it, and then sprinkled water over my seed. I looked expectantly at Sirius, hoping to see his seed already planted, but he was sitting, arms behind his head, flirting with a pretty girl a row away. I reached up and smacked him on the back of his head.

"Ow!" He looked away from the girl to glare at me and rub the spot I hit. "What was that for?" I glared at him. "You're supposed to be helping me, not chatting up girls. I'm not going to do all the work for the next term."

"I'm getting to it," he complained, grabbing the seed and nearly crushing it between his clumsy fingers. He loosened his grip, and the seed tumbled onto the floor. I groaned and reached down to grab it before he could, planting it quickly and sprinkling water from the water can Sprout passed around next.

"Maybe if you let me do some of the work, you wouldn't be complaining," he shot at me.

"Maybe if you weren't so bad at Herbology, I'd let you," I retorted, and he scowled. I sighed and leaned back in my seat to listen as Sprout continued teaching. This was going to be a very long month.

...

"I can't deal with this!" I ranted to Nate an hour or so later. "I can't sit next to Sirius-bloody-Black for the next two months and pretend to ignore the fact that he broke my best friend's heart! He's an absolute git!"

"It's only two months." Nate said, looking a bit amused. "I don't like him much myself, but it's only for one class. Honestly, Lil, it could be so much worse." I sighed and tucked myself under his arm as we walked across the dungeon hall toward Potions, and he smiled into my hair.

"Valentine's Day is this Saturday," he reminded me, tousling my hair as I buried my head into his shoulder. "What do you want to do?"

"Go to Hogsmeade?" I mumbled, and tilted my head up so that I could see him. He frowned. "I don't know, I think we should stay in."

"But, Nate," I pouted up at him. "We can get dinner, and hang out with our friends. It'll be fun. . ."

He looked like he was going to protest, but sighed and grinned at the expression on my face. "All right, all right. Only if you pay for lunch, though."

"Of course I will." I laughed and kissed him on the cheek. "Thanks."

...

Herbology the next day came faster than I could have wished. It was funny how things we dread did that. I took my seat next to Sirius and swung my bag over the desk, resigning myself to my gloomy fate. He was already talking with another girl at the desk next to ours, and I ignored this and waited for Sprout to bring us our tray.

The blood grass hadn't grown at all since yesterday. Occasionally magical plants did that. I wasn't discouraged, though, and muttered, _'aguamenti'_ under my breath at my wand and directed the stream of water over the dry soil. After another flick of the wand, the water ceased, and I put it down and looked over at Sirius to see him watching me, I frowned.

"Look, Evans." He folded his arms over his chest and stared at me. I stared back, nonplussed. "I know you don't like me. And if I'm honest, I don't like you either." I rolled my eyes and tried to turn back to the tray, but his arm shot out and stopped me.

"What?" I asked, irritated.

"Evans. . ." he sighed, as though this was costing him a great deal to say. "I think we should at least to try to get along." I raised my eyebrow suspiciously. "It'll be a horrible term if we don't," he continued. That was a fair point. "We don't have to be friends or anything," he said hastily. "But we should at least be civil, don't you think?"

I stared at him, measuring him up, before nodding with resignation. "I suppose. . . Black." He nodded curtly. "It's Sirius, Evans,"

"Fine, Sirius. Then you have to call me Lily." he shrugged, as though he didn't care either way, and offered his hand. I shook it, feeling confused. Who would have thought that Sirius Black and I would have come to a shaky truce? And somehow, I had the feeling that James was involved in this.

...

The newspaper the next morning had the unpleasant news of a classmate's family that had been murdered by the Death Eaters. It seemed that they were camped out new Hogsmeade. But even the news wasn't enough to cancel the trip for Valentine's Day. I glanced toward the staff table, but none of the teachers seemed to be too nervous about the news. I looked back down at the paper, and crumpled it in my hand. It was horrible news, but the Death Eaters couldn't hurt us.

Breakfast was a bit more subdued than usual, and the fifth year who's family had been killed was nowhere to be seen. I picked at my plate of food, thinking about my mother for the umpteenth time.

Transfiguration was immediately after breakfast, so I made my way toward the classroom early, head buried in my textbook as I thought about what had happened last week. How Emily had thought James liked me. Well, she didn't know what she was talking about. We were friends, plain and simple, and that's all there ever would be.

I knew that they had just broken up, but I also knew that Valentine's Day was in three days, and I didn't want one of my friends to be lonely while everybody else coupled up and cozy. So, I had a plan. And the plan would be put in motion, as soon as I found the perfect girl.

I took my usual seat at the back of the class, and instead of burying my head in my homework, I rested my chin on my hand and watched the other seventh years stumble in. Who would be perfect for James? Not Mordica Parkinson. I grimaced at the way she laughed and flipped her bleached blond hair over her shoulder. Not the Docksy twins, who only spoke to one another, with dark hair and makeup.

And then I saw Marlene McKinnon walk in with her friends, her textbooks held in her arms. She was a seventh year Hufflepuff with long brown hair, and a small, cute face with large blue eyes. She was nice, I knew, and smart, and funny, and probably exactly his type. I smiled to myself with satisfaction at my idea, and drummed my fingers on the table while I waited for James to walk into the classroom.

Finally, he did, rummaging around for his textbook in his schoolbag, his collared shirt lopsided, his hair rumpled horribly. "James!" I hissed. He turned, looking around before he saw me and smiled. I patted the empty seat next to me, and he came over to sit down. "Lily. What's up?"

I leaned forward, unable to keep my brilliant idea to myself a moment longer. "It's Valentine's Day tomorrow, right?" He nodded, looking confused. "Well, I thought you wouldn't want to spend it alone." I paused for that to sink in, and he looked suddenly hopeful, staring at me. "So, I thought you could ask Marlene McKinnon out!"

"What?"

"See?" I grabbed his shoulders and pivoted him so that he was looking at her. "She's a really sweet girl. I think you'd get along." He looked stunned for a minute, then reached up and tugged on his hair irritably. "Lily-"

"I know you just broke up with Emily," I told him quickly. "And she told me. . . never mind. But you should get past that."

"What did Emily tell you?" He asked, and I saw the brief vulnerability and uncertainty in his expression, and felt the odd sensation that once again I could hurt him, more deeply than I could imagine, with one misplaced word. I looked away. "Nothing. . . important, really. Just that. . . she didn't think you liked her anymore."

He sighed. "Emily's a nice girl. She really is. But I think I loved her more like a sister than anything else." I could understand that, I supposed. But that didn't make me any happier. "James. You shouldn't wallow in your unhappiness. You need to get back on the market! You could take Marlene on a date in Hogsmeade. She'd like that." I folded my hands under my chin and watched him, feeling satisfied with myself.

He was angry, I could tell. He clenched his jaw and glared at me. "I don't think you understand, Lily," he said, trying to keep his voice under control. "I don't want to date just anybody right now." His eyes bore into mine, and I suddenly found my breath short and uneven. I cleared my throat, and was horrified to find my voice more high-pitched than usual when I spoke.

"But it would be good for you!" I argued. "James, you need somebody in your life, so you can be happy again. And I think Marlene could be that person."

He sprang to his feet, inexplicably furious. "For God's sake, Lily!" He bellowed, not noticing how the whole classroom went silent and every eye turned to us. "Will you stop trying to control my life?" He shoved the chair away and strode angrily from the room, sidestepping around Professor McGonagall as she entered the classroom. "Excuse me, Professor, I'm just going to the Hospital Wing," he lied easily. "I don't feel so well."

"Oh. Of course, . Go ahead." And she watched him go with a troubled expression, before walking toward her desk and flicking through her materials. I turned from where I was still staring at the door, and pressed my trembling hands against my side and tried to get my mind clear. All I could think, though, is that I had somehow missed some important information in the translation.

...

Valentine's Day dawned bright and early, and Aria and Raye took satisfaction with forcing me into a tight red cardigan with a lacy undershirt underneath it, and a simple black coat, arranging my hair in loose curls and adding a bit of mascara and blush to my face. It pleased me to see them teasing and laughing with each other, and I thought, once again, how Raye would react if she knew that Aria had snogged her boyfriend. I hoped, for the hundredth time that nobody would tell her.

Nate was waiting for me by the entrance to the castle, dressed more nicely than usual. He smiled as I walked toward him, and planted a light kiss on my lips, taking my hand and pulling me into the line for Filch to check permission slips. I squeezed his hand. I still couldn't believe that Nate had chosen me to be his girlfriend, of all the girls in the castle. He grinned down at me, as though reading my thoughts. "You look beautiful."

"Thank you," I blushed and ducked my head, and he laughed. Filch nodded as we drew even with him, and we walked out of the castle into the cold whiteness.

And I soon found myself walking down the main street of Hogsmeade with Nate, breathing in the sharp air tainted with snowflakes. I swung our joined hands between us and looked around at the decorated streets of Hogsmeade- the pink ribbons and lace hearts- and sighed. I was insanely glad to have Nate in my life, even though I didn't appreciate the gaudy decorations and overload of pink. I couldn't have asked for anyone better, really.

Honeydukes was crowded and warm, and smelled absolutely divine as we walked in. Waiters were standing at the door with trays of chocolate samples, and I bit into a chocolate heart as we wandered through the crowd. It was hard to hear above the chatter of the others, so I let him tow me around, and stood next to him as he purchased chocolate and extra sugar quills. I hated to leave the warmth and go back out into the coldness, but I pressed myself against Nate's side for extra heat and we shared a bar of chocolate.

"Happy Valentine's Day," he told me, smiling, as we waded through the swirling snowdrifts toward the Three Broomsticks. "Are you having fun yet?"

"Let me think about it. . ." I teased, then grinned as his face fell. "Of course I am. I just hate the whole propaganda."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, think about it. Valentine's Day is a holiday devoted to a pagan Roman god and we've commercialized it with gaudy trappings and hideous, heart-shaped Hallmark cards."

He snorted and reached into his pocket to pull out a red envelope. "I have a 'hideous, heart-shaped Hallmark card', if you really want it."

"Of course I do." I took it, ignoring his chuckle, and tucked it into the lining of my coat. "I'll read it later, though."

"But that's the point, Lily," he argued. "You wanted the card. You'll take the time to read it, and you'll appreciate what it says. That's why people celebrate Valentine's Day. Not because of what it means, but because it makes others happy, and it's a day you can spend with whoever you love."

"You mean you love me?" I teased, wiping away the snowflakes that coated my nose and eyelashes, but feeling a warmth inside that had nothing to do with the warm coat I was wearing. He looked down at me quizzically. "Of course I do. You should know that by now." My response was drowned out as he bent down to kiss me.

We stopped in at the Three Broomsticks, which had been properly decorated for the occasion, with drippings of lace and pearls, and pink heart chains decorating the door. I went to the counter to order and pay for lunch, like I'd promised, while Nate grabbed a free table. It was warm and cozy, and the air smelled delicious.

I brought our food to the table, and put Nate's down in front of him. "Thanks," he said fervently, digging into his fish and chips. I took a sip of butterbeer and looked around the pub. I could see Aria, Olivia and Sara, clustered around a table. When they caught my eye, they waved merrily. I waved back, wondering where Raye was. Probably in Madame Puddifoot's with Fabian, I thought dully, and shuddered at the thought of the place. I turned my attention back to Nate, and my lunch, and wondered if I could possibly be any happier.

It was because we were tucked away in the loud, overcrowded pub, perhaps, that I didn't hear the screaming until it was too late. I saw the people around the door look up, and it was a couple seconds before I saw figures racing down the main street, hair trailing behind them, looks of terror on their faces. I stood up quickly, blood draining from my face. Nate looked up quizzically.

"Lily, what's wrong?"

And then I saw them- a group of tall, hooded people, wands out, blasting doors open. People in the pub screamed, and I grabbed Nate's arm and dragged him behind me as I ran toward the back door, reaching into my pocket to brandish my wand in front of me.

Outside, snow swirled around the skies, making it impossible to see. I cursed, letting go of my vice-like grip on Nate to take his hand instead. The fear was close to swallowing me, and my heart was racing. Nate looked behind us, as the door to the pub blasted open with an ear-splitting crash, revealing a towering, hooded figure. He turned to look at me, and I saw the understanding and fear in his eyes. He brought out his wand, and we doubled our footsteps down the snow-covered alley.

We weaved through the back-streets, and I hoped desperately that the Death Eaters wouldn't think to come this way. I tripped, going down hard on the pavement, but sprang up as Nate opened his mouth to ask if I was all right, wincing at my bruised shins, and shook my head silently, pressing a finger to my lips. We mustn't talk.

What did the Death Eaters want? I wondered, as we ran down the streets. What would they gain by attacking villagers and students at the school? It's not like they could settle a score, or recruit new members. And the answer came to me, sickening and wrong. They wanted _fun_. They thought that attacking innocent people would amuse their master. My stomach churned with disgust.

We turned a corner, our footsteps pounding hard on the pavement, and we were in the main square, the post office and joke shop on either side. I turned in a circle, wondering which way to go. The courtyard was dark and abandoned, and I squinted to see through the snow.

There was a hooded figure by the way to the castle.

Nate swore and yanked on my arm to get us to move in the opposite direction, but as he did, I saw another Death Eater behind us. We were being rounded up. We stood, staring at each other for a while, and then the lone Death Eater joined the other. I opened my mouth to speak, and was surprised to hear that my voice was steady.

"If you just let us go, we won't be a threat."

"A threat?" The shorter Death Eater chuckled. A woman. "Don't make me laugh, girl. You two couldn't possibly be a threat to us." I clenched my fingers around my wand, and didn't respond.

"Bellatrix," the taller Death Eater barked at her in a deep, gruff voice. "They're just kids. Maybe we should. . ."

"Maybe we should what, Selwin?" The woman, Bellatrix asked, a warning note in her tone. "Nothing," he muttered, and fell silent.

Bellatrix, he called her. I knew who that was. Bellatrix Lestrange, only a couple years older than myself, already one of the most feared Death Eaters in the country. I felt a cold fist of fear clench around my heart. This was _real_. This was happening to _me_. I couldn't believe that a couple days ago I was worried about my Herbology partner.

"You're a Mudblood, aren't you?" Bellatrix directed her question at me. I stared back, unable to talk. She snorted. "I thought so. I remember you from when I was in school. A good girl." She reached into her robe and pulled out a wand, before lowering her hood. She was darkly beautiful, and, unfortunately, I could see the family resemblance to Sirius. But while he smiled and laughed, she was all anger, with strong, hooded eyes, a curved nose and a twisted smile. Her mouth moved with the start of a curse, and I was frozen.

"Protego!" Nate roared, and I had forgotten that he was there. An invisible wall sprung up between us, but Bellatrix flicked her wand and managed to stop the spell before it shattered and rebounded on her. Her smile was back. "Ah, what do we have here? Is this your boyfriend, Mudblood? So willing to die for her, aren't you?" She stepped closer to Nate, and ran her hand over his cheek. Her blood-red nails scraped at his skin, and I saw his jaw clench with the effort not to pull back.

And then they were dueling, and Nate was strangely handsome, his face contorted as he shot spell after spell towards her. She dodged them all with a laugh, her face alight with happiness. It was like a deadly dance.

And then I felt a hand close over my throat, and nails press against my tender skin, scraping as I was crushed against a broad body behind me. "Don't run, pretty," a hoarse voice whispered in my ear, and I could smell blood and animal on him. "I'm not going to hurt you. . . too much." I couldn't help myself, and cried out. Nate turned to look at me, and I regretted it at once, as Bellatrix took the opportunity to shoot a well-aimed curse toward him.

There was a flash of light, and I saw blood spurting from Nate's chest. He gasped in pain, his hands coming up to clutch at the wound, and fell to his knees in the snow. "Nate!" I shrieked, as the stranger's grip tightened on me, yanking me around.

"Now, Mudblood," the man hissed, and I recognized a face I had seen on multiple wanted posters- Fenrir Greyback. The fear was back, and magnified a hundred-fold. "Would you like to join your little boyfriend there, or would you rather cooperate?"

"Let me go!" I shrieked, thrashing and kicking. His grip on me tightened, and I saw Bellatrix walking calmly over toward Nate, crumpled on the ground. My hand clenched around my wand, and I brought it slowly up toward Greyback's chest as his eyes remained locked in mine, taking some perverse pleasure from my distress. _"Stupefy,"_ I managed to choke out, and light blasted out of my wand. The werewolf's eyes widened, and he was forced backwards before hitting the ground. I dropped to the ground, rolling as Bellatrix turned and shot a curse which flew over my head. My foot collided into something solid- Nate. I turned to look at him, eyes wide and panicked.

"Lily," he whispered. "Go. Please, get out of here." I could feel tears in my eyes. "No! You're going to be fine! It's just a scratch! Madame Pomfrey can heal it! We've got to get you up to the castle!" I grabbed his arms, trying to hoist him to his feet, but he crumpled, his face twisting up in agony. I ignored his pain, even though it hurt me almost worse, and towed him toward a large rock for shelter. I leaned over, panting, as Bellatrix muttered instructions into the taller Death Eater, Selwin's, ear.

"Go," Nate whispered, his eyes wide, one hand reaching out to hold my face, blood staining the entire palm. "Please, Lily, do it for me." I stared down at him, mind unwilling to comprehend. Then I pushed myself to my feet, grabbing my wand and shooting a spell toward Bellatrix. If I could get them away from him, then I could apparate with him, hopefully, to outside the grounds, or else send a Patronus to the teachers.

A Patronus! My hand fumbled on the wand, as I closed my eyes and imagined the happiest memory I had- when Nate and I had been sleeping outside in the rare sunlight- and pointed my wand toward the castle. A silvery doe erupted from it, trotting away into the swirling snow. I fell to my knees beside Nate. "It's all right," I soothed him. "They're going to come and get you, don't worry." He tried to smile, but it looked painful. He opened his mouth, moving it side to side to test his vocal cords. "I love you. . ."

The tears spilled from my eyes now, just as a curse hit me, lifting me off my feet and throwing me back down. I winced with the pain, springing to my feet and shooting a spell toward Selwin, his blond hair gleaming under his Death Eater's robes.

"Let's make the Mudblood dance," he shouted, twitching his wand and flicking away the defensive spell. Bellatrix cackled, and closed in on me, her wand outstretched. I felt around for my wand, and realized I had dropped it as I'd ran towards Nate. I braced myself for an unpleasant death.

And then the most beautiful sight I'd ever seen burst from the deserted street- James Potter, a determined look on his face, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew, their wands all pointing toward the Death Eaters.

"Get away from her!" James shouted, gesturing his wand at Selwin, who leered at me. I could smell blood, but that might have been coming from Nate. "Think you can stop me, boy?" The Death Water growled, his voice soft as a whisper, but it carried all the same. "Four teenagers, against the two most powerful Death Eaters? I wonder which side is going to win?" Bellatrix shrieked with laughter, and I saw an intense dislike on Sirius's face as he stared at her.

James twirled his wand, and a thread of yellow light shot toward Selwin, who deflected it as if shooing an irksome fly. That seemed to have started the fight again, Sirius, Remus, and Pettigrew each running towards their respective Death Eater, as James came racing toward me.

"Lily," he gasped, his eyes raking over me, checking for injuries. "Are you all right?

"Nate." I was up at once, grabbing James' arm and dragging him to the secluded boulder. "Heal him. You're good at that." Nate was lying motionless, blood seeping in a puddle underneath him, his eyes wide. I dropped to my knees beside him, grabbing his head between my hands. He didn't move at all, his eyes staring through me, into the beyond. "Nate," I whispered, shaking his head gently. "Nate! James is going to heal you! You'll be all right!"

But he didn't move. I grabbed his shoulders and shook him violently, his skin impossibly pale. "Nate! No! Wake up! Please. . . I love you!" And hands closed around my wrists, and James's voice was whispering in my ear, "there's nothing you can do, Lily. He's gone," and I was staring into his cold, white face, and at the beautiful eyes that would never see me again.

...

I woke, and it was a while before I could take in my surroundings. I was lying in a clean bed, sunlight streaming onto my sheets. The room smelled too clean, like medicine, and I could hear a steady beeping that seemed to come from my arm. I looked down at it- wires taped to my inner elbow, connected to some sort of machine. I poked at the wires tentatively, and when they didn't give, I raised my hands and rubbed my eyes sleepily.

Why was I in the hospital wing? I recognized the room now, and I turned my head from side to side, seeing the yellow flowers, candy and cards on my bedside table, and the still figure slumped in the chair beside my bed. I would recognize the rumpled hair and askew glasses anywhere.

"James!"

He woke with a start, glancing around to see me staring back at him. He adjusted his glasses, rising from the chair and coming to perch on the side of my bed, looking entirely surprised. "Lily?"

"What happened. . ." And then my voice trailed away, and I could remember, just from looking at James all the horrible events. "Oh, my God! Nate! He's not. . ."

But James only bowed his head. "I'm sorry," he whispered, and that's when I realized it was true after all, and that it really wasn't a dream. My face crumpled, and I reached up to bury it in my hands. An arm wrapped around my shoulder, but I shrugged it off, folding my knees up and resting my head on that as tears came rolling in, flooding down my cheeks and leaving salty tracts. I gasped, trying to wrap my head around the incontrovertible truth that Nate was really and truly dead, and that I would never see him again.

"Lily," James whispered, but I was too far gone to notice, and my shoulders shook with sobs.

"He left me," I whispered, as his hand stroked my hair away from his face. "I love him, and he left me here alone." and my whole body was shuddering now, and he gathered me into his arms, tightly holding me to his chest, and I leaned into the warmth and comfort, not caring that my nose was running or my eyes were red and swollen, and he situated me on his lap so that I was curled up against him, trying to hold in the monster threatening to burst from within me.. "You're not alone," he whispered, smoothing the hair away from my face and resting his chin on my head. "I'm here."

"He told me we shouldn't go," I mumbled around my tears. "He wanted to stay here. But I told him, it would be fun." My voice broke, and he tightened his grip on me. "They killed him for fun," I whispered, nearly hysterical. "It meant nothing to them. He was nothing but entertainment." He drew me closer against his chest. I could hear the air going out of his mouth in a sigh, and his hand came up to rest on my shoulder. "We won the match," he told me as I sobbed against him. "Sirius managed to stupefy Selwin, and the teachers came down just in time and overpowered Lestrange. Nobody else is hurt. I'm so sorry, Lily. I truly am."

And I felt, as I had so often done recently, that all my love and happiness had been drained out of the world.

**Author's Note- don't hate me! (runs and hides)**

**Do you think I should write the scene where James and Emily break up and post it separately? And if I did, whose point of view would you want? Emily or James? Feedback would be nice :)**


	20. Chapter 20

_"Hell hath no fury. . ."_

Chapter Twenty

It was numb, this world. Cold to the bone. Slow moving, unrealistic, like we were underwater. Because, God, I couldn't believe it. Nate couldn't be dead. And I couldn't still be here, without him.

It hurt, more than anything ever would. I remembered, somehow, as though through the end of a tube, the memory of, when I was young and crying over some failed romance, my father rubbing my back and telling me that heartbreak couldn't kill you. He was wrong. I felt the gaping hole in the center of my chest, and it was the worst kind of physical pain.

And then, to top it all off, there was the guilt, heavy and smothering. The painful realization that it was all my fault that he was gone. If I hadn't suggested- no, insisted- that we go to Hogsmeade, he would still be here. If we had gone a different route back to the castle, _they _wouldn't have found us. If I had been a better dueler, I could have fought them off, or healed Nate. And I could never forgive myself for not saving him.

I was perfectly healthy, physically, anyway. The shallow bruises and scrapes I'd sustained had been healed by Madame Pomfrey at once. But I stayed in the Hospital Wing, confined to the bed and the eruption of flowers and candy that surrounded me, laying listlessly under the covers, staring up at the ceiling and wondering how on earth this had all happened.

It was only when I got up to get a drink of water and changed into my pajamas when I felt a crinkle of paper, and pulled a slightly crumpled red envelope out of my pocket with trembling hands. Nate's Valentine. I wondered if I had the nerve to read it.

It was a card, with a beautiful watercolour of two swans on a lake- overly cliched, but sweet all the same. I opened the card, and a small photograph fell out- the two of us curled up on a couch in the Common Room. I was fast asleep on his shoulder, my hair fluttering as I breathed, while he grinned at the camera and kissed my cheek. My throat aching, I read the description.

"_Lily- I know you hate Valentine's Day, and I can't hope to change your mind about it, but I just want to let you know how much you mean to me. Love you always- Nate."_

The tears came like a floodgate bursting open, pouring down my face as I gave little choked sobs. I curled up into a tiny ball, shaking with my crying. I shouldn't hurt like this. We had only been together a couple of months. It wasn't a serious relationship.

"Oh, sweetie. . ."

I looked around, mopping my wet face on my sleeve to see Aria at the door. She took in the card clutched in one hand, and the moving photograph in the other with one sweep of her eyes, before striding over to the bed, perching carefully on the unmade sheets and putting a gentle arm around me. "I just heard," she said remoursefully, as I clung to her like a lifeline. "Merlin, Lily. I'm so sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head vigorously, and she relapsed into silence, rocking me gently back and forth, my hand heavy around her thin wrist, my tears leaving sticky streaks on her collarbone. She gave a soft sigh, and I squeezed my eyes shut tight and tried desperately to forget.

...

The sadness was gone, the next morning, replaced with a strong urge to throttle someone. How _dare _they? How could they just stroll up the streets of Hogsmeade, a relatively safe village, and murder an innocent boy? I ground my teeth together, boring my gaze into the opposite wall. And, the small voice in my head, squeaking mutinously. Why couldn't I have saved him?

A knock on my bedpost startled me, and I looked up to see James, his black hair falling into his face, leaning agaisnt the wall and looking down at me with a concerned expression. Madame Pomfrey had left the Hospital Wing to go on an errand a few minutes ago.

"You all right?" James asked softly, offering me a plate of sandwiches. "Thought you might be hungry."

I looked at him, than at the plate of food, then closed my eyes. I heard the clink of china on wood, then felt him sit down on the bed next to me, the mattress sagging and creaking. I glanced at him. "Lily," he said urgently. "You do know that none of this is your fault, right?"

That was the drop that burst the dam, metaphorically speaking. "Of course it's not my bloody fault!" I exploded, springing to my feet, and he flinched backwards away from me. "It's the Death Eaters! They just killed him, as though he were. . . he were nothing! As though it was just entertainment! When I find them. . ."

"Lily. . ." James looked downright terrified. "You need to calm-"

"Don't you dare tell me to calm down, James Potter!" I shrieked, grabbing a vase of yellow daffodils resting on my bedside table and hurling it at him. He ducked, and it barely avoided hitting his head, instead smashing against the opposite wall and shattering into a thousand fractured shards. "And he didn't even protect himself! He just let them slash him up, and didn't bother to heal himself! Like he _wanted _to die!" I bit down hard on my lip and tried to find words to express my anger.

And then I was suddenly frozen in place, unable to move or talk. I looked, outraged, towards James to see him tucking his wand back in his pocket. "Sorry," he told me, getting off the bed, and gripping my shoulders to stare down at me. "But I was afraid you'd succeed in murdering me." I glared up at him, and he sighed. "Do you really think Nate _wanted _to die?" He asked softly. "He was seventeen. Only seventeen."

I pleaded to him with my eyes, and he seemed to understand and released one of my shoulders to grab his wand and flick it at me. I sagged against him. "But he left me," I whispered against his shirt. "He didn't care enough to stay alive."

With another sigh, he gathered me into his arms, drawing me tight against his chest and enveloping me in his warmth. "Why would anyone ever want to leave you?" He asked, his chin resting on the top of my head. "If I were him and I had you. . ." he tightened his grip around me almost imperceptibly. "I'd never let you go."

I stiffened, then relaxed against him, my arms going up to clasp around his back, as I let the ghost of a sob escape my mouth. "I don't know what to feel," I admitted, aware that my chest was pressed flush against his, that his hand was tracing comforting circles on my lower back, that his face was buried into my probably unwashed hair, but not caring. "I'm afraid of feeling too much."

And, though he was a guy, probably having the emotional span of a cockroach, and, more specifically, _James Potter_, he exhaled into my hair and allowed me to cry. "Let it all out," he told me gently. "You're allowed to."

And there, under the strong fluorescent lights of the wing, dressed only in my bedclothes as James drew me as tight to him as he could, that's just what I did.

...

It was odd, how people seemed to avoid me the next day. Madame Pomfrey, exasperated with all my moping, had kicked me out of the wing after a week, back into the real world. I stayed closeted away in my dormitory the first couple of days, until McGonagall had actually stormed in, her velvet hat askew, her hollowed cheeks flushed with colour, and informed me that even though my boyfriend had died, I still had responsibilities as the Head Girl, and preparing for N.E.W.T.s, and if I didn't get out of bed in fifteen minutes, I'd have two weeks of detention to deal with also.

So here I was, dressed in my clean uniform, my freshly washed hair pulled away from my face in a ponytail. I had lost weight- that much was evident in the way my knee socks bagged around my ankles, and the looseness of my sweater- but I couldn't bring myself to care. I felt almost naked, not having the comfort of a blanket pulled over me that I could huddle under.

My friends had been wonderful to me, bring food and doing my homework and just avoiding the subject of Nate altogether, for which I was entirely grateful for. But altely, it seemed as though they were whispering to each other when they thought I was asleep, and even Aria was beginning to avoid me in favor of sitting with other people.

So, I stuck with James. We had a friendship, now, and it was easy; uncomplicated, even. I walked with him to classes and sat with him and his group of friends in the Common Room, happy to let them talk over my head about things I had no part in. I'd hated James in the past. Even being in his presence made me uncomfortable. So it was a complete reversal of odds to feel that being near him gave me some kind of ledge to hold onto, to keep myself above the oncoming flood of fear and guilt. So long as I wasn't alone.

Because when I was alone, the nightmares came. Red, red blood pouring into the stark white snow, his lifeless eyes, and a cackle of crazy laughter. I would wake up, gasping for air, shrieking, tangled with sweaty sheets. I had soon learned to shut my curtains and cast a Silencing Spell so as not to disturb the others, who were becoming increasingly unsympathetic.

I could sense the stares as I wove through the crowd on my way to Transfiguration. People avoided me, walking around in a wide skirt, like the parting of the Red Sea. I could hear the whispers behind their hands. Accusing. Curious. Sympathetic. I didn't want any of it.

"Oi! Evans!"

I turned to see Sirius Black, and sighed. He was probably the last person I wanted to talk to right now.

"She walks," he pointed out unnecessarily, grinning as if he had told the best joke of the century. He slung his arm around my shoulder and kissed the top of my head with a loud smack. I reached over and pinched him hard. The only downside with spending time with James was that Sirius was there, too. They were, after all, best mates, and I had expected nothing more. To my surprise, after a few days, I realized that he really wasn't as bad as I thought he was. Overly exuberant, mischievous and fully of himself, maybe, but it was surprisingly tolerable in small doses. "Ouch!" He yelped, removing his arm and rubbing the afflicted spot with an aggrieved expression. "Haven't changed much, either." I glared.

"I'm glad you're back, Lily," he said sincerely. "No, really. James's been going spare worrying about you. I haven't been able drag him away from the Hospital Wing to classes." I gave a soft smile, and he seemed to take that as a sign of encouragement. "I mean," he went on. "We haven't pulled off a prank in weeks! It's been torture, Lilyflower."

"Okay, Sirius?" I stepped away and turned to face him with a most-McGonagallish expression on my face. "I think I liked it better when you called me Evans, thanks."

He gave an evil grin that told me he wouldn't be calling me by my last name anytime soon. There was a queue outside Transfiguration, as the other students waited for the classroom to open. James was at the front, and he glanced behind absently as we joined the group, then did a double-take, his eyes widening and mouth rounding adorably as he spotted me.

He was out of the queue and in front of me in a matter of seconds, staring down as though drinking the sight of me in, then engulfed me in a hug. I immediately relaxed, burying my face in his shirt, which had the comforting smell of soap, and his cologne. It was disturbing, how much I seemed to crave physical affection. Because when I was with him, the pain was dulled, and though it was as if I was in a haze of darkness and numbness, he helped, somehow, guiding me through my hurt. And I craved his touch and warmth like an alcoholic craves his drink. I could hear the muttering from people around us, and I knew how intimate our embrace must look. But at the same time, we were friends. And it didn't mean anything at all except the minimal heat transferred into my coldness. I pulled away from him, and my eyes caught with Emily's. There was such surprise, satisfaction and hurt there that it made my breath falter, and I immediately turned my face away from her and hoped that James would make things better, not worse.

It got worse. James leaned down and kissed the top of my head, which caused me to look up in shock. "I'm glad you're back, Lily," he told me, the smile on his face causing him to absolutely glow, and striking me, once again, how handsome he was, with his tanned face, sparkling hazel eyes, straight angled nose and sloping cheekbones. I sighed unhappily.

"I. . . think I'm glad to be back," I told him hesitantly. "Maybe." He grinned, and I turned to see Sirius watching us with a knowing expression on his face. Had the world gone crazy? Why was everyone looking at us like that? I followed James into the classroom, once again feeling strangely naked.

I left the Transfiguration classroom halfway through the class, feeling overwhelmed by all the carefree chatter and loud noises, to duck into the girl's loo. I didn't actually have to use the bathroom, but the quiet and solitude calmed me. I sighed, gripping the edges of the sink and staring into the yellowed mirror. I looked sick- my skin sallow and pale, dark circles under my eyes, my mouth turned down at the corners and trembling. I wondered how anybody could bear to look at me, let alone hug me.

The sound of footsteps made me jerk my head around toward the door. The sound of two girls voices, giggling, pierced the silence like a nettle. Not wanting to go back to the classroom, I ducked into a stall and locked the door, sitting on the closed toilet, drawing my legs up so that they couldn't be seen. The door opened, and shut with a snap, and I heard the two girls chattering as they converged on the mirrors, fixing with their hair and reapplying lipstick.

"I just feel bad for her," one of them was saying, in a high nasal voice, as I tried not to eavesdrop. "I mean, it's not like she _asked _for it, really."

The other girl snorted. "Who asks for their boyfriend to be murdered?"

And, with a shock of pure surprise, I realized they were talking about me. After I had sat, stunned, wondering that _I _would be an object of interesting gossip, I decided that, perhaps, it would be in my best interest to listen in.

"But seriously, she's acting like such a slut."

I recoiled, the breath whooshing out of my lungs, as the girl continued. "Her boyfriend _just died_, and she's already practically sleeping with James Potter. You don't need to put two and two together."

"Are you kidding?" the second girl laughed. "I feel sorry for _her_. She's probably in a lot of pain right now, and she thinks that he's going to help her through it." she gave a tinkling little laugh that caused goosebumps to raise on my arms. "He's so taking advantage of her! He only wants to sleep with her, he doesn't give a damn about her feelings."

"Well, that's not surprising. Everybody knows he's completely in love with her."

They exchanged a few more comments, before their voices began to fade and the door slammed shut behind me, leaving me frozen, unable to process what they had just said.

I cornered James as soon as Transfiguration was over, grabbing his hand and dragging him into an abandoned classroom. He grinned, looking surprised, but willing. I wondered what he thought was going to happen in the classroom. I folded my arms over my chest and glared at him, and his happy expression slowly faded into a confused one. "What's. . . What did I do?"

"I was just in the bathroom," I told him, trying to think of exactly how to phrase it. He stared, then nodded reassuringly. "Uh. . . Good. That's. . . progress."

"Shut it." I hid my smile. "Anyway, these two girls came in. . . and they were talking about me." I paused again to find my words. He looked irritated. "What were they saying?" He demanded. "What-"

"They were talking about you. . . and me." I stared accusingly up at him. "They said. . . you were in love with me." He had frozen, his mouth falling slightly open. "They said you were only helping me with-with what happened because you wanted to sleep with me."

"Lily, _no-_"

"Just tell me the truth." I raised my face up to his defiantly, trying to sound calm and brave while my world collapsed around me. "Do you love me?"

He hesitated, then sighed and bowed his head, bringing his hands up to press against his eyes, then pulling them away to stare at me through bloodshot eyes. "Yes."

One little word, that hit me like a steamroller. I winced, and looked away. "James. . ." I tried to somehow comfort him and tell him the truth at the same time. "I'm so sorry."

"Sorry that I _love _you?" He laughed, sounding slightly hysterical. "Are you really? I'm not."

I blinked heavily, trying to fight back the tears as my hand automatically reached out for him. He flinched away, and that hurt. "I've loved you since the day I saw you," he told me, and I could tell that it was a relief for him to be saying this. It seemed to pour, unwelcomed, out of his mouth. "All these years. I was too stupid to just tell you, or try to be friends with you. But I couldn't help but love you."

"But, why?"

"Why?" He looked incredulously at me. "How do you see yourself, Lily? You're. . . God, you're perfect. Too perfect. You're beautiful, and smart, and-and funny and sweet. And you're too good for me. And I try to tell myself that, but you're like a drug, and I can't leave you alone. And you're standing here, and you're asking me why I should love you, as if it's something I can help." He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. I was standing in shock, surprised into silence. "You really didn't see it?"

"No," I whispered, wondering now how I could possibly be so blind.

"It was so obvious. Everything I did, I did it because I love you. Everyone knows it, too. The entire school, all your friends, hell, even the teachers know that I'm head-over-heels for you. But. . . you have -had- Nate. And. . . I had no chance."

"So, you think you have a chance now?" I was mad, now. "You think that because my boyfriend is dead, that I'll just fall into your arms, and we'll all live happily ever after. Well, sorry to hurt your little fantasy, but _it's never going to happen!_"

"No, that's not. . . Lily, I'm trying to help you, because I love you. Because seeing you hurt like that. . . it hurts me. And I understand that you love Nate. He was a great guy. All I want from you is trust-"

"Trust?" My voice had probably gone up two octaves by now. "You just lost my trust, James! I thought we were friends. I thought that's why you were-"

"We are friends! Don't you dare tell yourself that we're not."

"I don't know," I was embarrassed to find a tear rolling down my cheek, and breathed in shakily. "I can't. . . you didn't tell me the truth, and. . . I don't know if I can be near you now."

He was watching me with a heart-wrenched expression on his face. "Lily. . . I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm sorry." He reached his hand toward my cheek, to brush away the tears, but I turned away.

"Don't, James," I whispered. "Not now. I. . . I can't deal with it right now. Not when Nate. . . I'm so sorry." I sighed, brushing my eyes absently and reached up on tip toes to kiss his cheek delicately. "I really am. I'll see you around?"

And, turning my back on my one source of comfort these days, I walked away, toward my dormitory, where I was going to go collapse on my bed and sob my eyes out, and try to somehow make it through the night when there was no light to wake up to.

**Author's Note- I'm drowning in the angst. . .  
**

**On an up note, the story with Emily/James should be up very soon. I decided to write it mainly from Emily's P.O.V., but throw in a bit of James'. Because everyone loves James. **


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty-One

It was early on Saturday morning, and there was a Quidditch match- Gryffindor against Hufflepuff- in an hour. I was curled up in my bed, dressed in sweatpants and a tank top, watching as the other girls in the dormitory fluttered about getting ready. They were talking quietly, as though not wanting to disturb me, but occasionally one would glance at me, then look quickly away when they saw I was watching. I sighed, folding my legs under me and fiddling with my hair. I didn't want to do this anymore.

"Aria?" I asked. She stiffened, and turned to me, and there was pity in her eyes. "Can we talk?"

I figured this was the best way to do it. All the other girls would listen, and Aria would probably be the most understanding, because she was my best friend. "What happened?" I asked softly. "We're friends. The one time I need you the most, you're not there for me."

She sighed, coming over to sit on my bed, her hairbrush still clutched in her hand like a weapon. She turned to look over her shoulders at the others, who were watching us furtively. "Lily. . ." She looked down, fidgeted, turned her hairbrush over in her fingers, and finally decided she had to look at me. "We love you, we really do. But. . . it just comes to a point where we don't know what to say."

I stared. "What do you mean?"

She bit her lip, struggling for words. "You're. . . so intense, with your emotions. And none of us have ever gone through any of what you have. I don't know how to help you, Lily. Nothing I said or did seemed to help. So. . . what could I do? You wanted James to help you more than your friends. Whenever we tried. . . It was like I was losing you, sweetie. And. . . what was I supposed to do?"

I sighed. "I know I'm difficult." Aria gave a slight snort-like laugh. I pinched her. "But I need you guys. James. . ." I ducked my head, trying to push away the thoughts I'd suppressed since last night. "Well, he's not much of a help now. I don't want you to push me out, right when I have nobody."

"Lily, I'm so sorry." She leaned forward and opened her arms, and I hugged her tightly, feeling like things might not be so bad after all. She pulled away, and beamed at me, her eyes overbright. "Come to the game with us," she said, brandishing her red and gold striped scarf. "It'll be good for you."

"Aria. . ." She didn't listen, and looped the scarf around my neck. I grinned. Raye came over to hug me. "I'm sorry, Lil," she whispered in my ear, looking entirely guilty. "Can you forgive me?"

"Only if you lend me a sweatshirt." I said, smiling. She looked confused, then grinned and rummaged around in her trunk, and tossed her sweatshirt- an oversized college hooded thing- at me. I tugged it on, smoothing my long, loose hair and pulling my shoes on. "Of course I forgive you." I told her, getting to my feet as we trooped out of the dormitory.

I thought of Nate as I came down the stairs. It hurt. God, it hurt so much, and it wasn't fair at all, that _he _should die when he was so good, and all the evil in the world still existed. I twined the end of the scarf around my finger. I went to the Quidditch games with Nate, his arm around my shoulder to protect me from the cold, and he would buy me hot chocolate from the vendors. And now I was going with my friends, because he was gone. I winced.

The air outside was bitingly cold, and the snow that had dotted the ground was beginning to melt. People were already filing into the stands and taking their seats, and we joined them, climbing higher and higher above the ground, and settling in a row of seats near the top of the stands. The Quidditch Pitch had been cleaned of all snow, but icicles hung from the rings and puffs of steam rose in clouds from the hundreds of students. I settled on the bleacher, the metal cold and unpleasant through my trousers. Aria smiled at me as she sat down to my right, and offered me half of her blanket. I smiled and took it, curling my legs up under me and huddling underneath the warmth.

The Quidditch teams walked onto the field, dressed in red and gold, and black and yellow gear, their brooms clutched in their hands. No matter how many games I had watched, it always struck me as slightly ridiculous, how seriously everybody took this. I watched as James and the Hufflepuff captain strode forward and briefly clasped hands, then mounted their brooms and kicked off into the sky, their hair whipping behind them. I watched James steer his broom in a steep, vertical climb towards the grey skies, his hands tight against the broomstick, his robes flapping in the breeze. I didn't like this, not one bit. I wanted to go back to being friends with him, and getting my comfort from him, and I didn't want his love.

The game was proceeding easily, the Gryffindors scoring again and again. James soared around the field, the Quaffle tucked under his arm as he weaved in and out of the players. There was something unnaturally graceful about him on a broomstick, the way it responded at his every touch and how natural it seemed for him, so unlike walking around the castle. It was like a dance, seeing him turn and whirl and spin. The beaters at the other end of the pitch advanced on him, the bludger volleying back and forth between their clubs. I realized my nails were biting into my palms, and unfurled them, wincing at the half-moons dug into my skin. It was ridiculous. I shouldn't be this into Qudditch. But somehow, James managed to dodge the beaters and plummet towards the ring, while Sirius came up from underneath and stole the bludger away, aiming it towards the chasers sweeping down the pitch towards James, and they had to spin wildly to avoid being hit.

It was amazing, just how good the team was. They seemed to do no wrong- again and again James stole the Quaffle, passing it to the other Chasers and shooting it through the hoops. The Hufflepuff team had no chance whatsoever in winning, and soon enough the Gryffindor Seeker had gone plummeting through the air and grabbed the snitch out of thin air. With whoops of delight, the team spiraled toward the ground, hugging each other, jumping in the air, and the Gryffindors in the crowd erupted, throwing their scarves up above their heads and stamping in the bleachers while screaming for joy.

The crowds poured out of the stands, swarming onto the Quidditch field and embracing the team. Next to me, Aria was jumping up and down on her feet to try and see over everyone's heads, whilest screaming defeaningly in my ear. I winced, watching James embrace Sirius in a brotherly fashion, and grin at the crowd before the team streamed into the changing room. I watched the door swinging shut, and wondered.

"I'll be right back," I whispered to Aria, weaving through the screaming people and knocking on the door to the changing rooms, though I doubt they could hear it, and ducked in. It was cool and dark, and smelled slightly of shower soap and mildew. I could hear the excited chatter coming from the back of the room, and I walked toward it, careful to make enough noise so that they knew I was coming.

"James?"

I knocked on a closed door briefly, and waited. It creaked open, and there was James, his hair matted, his face streaked with grime and sweat, a massive grin across his face, his shirt half off, exposing a strip of tanned skin and impressive muscles. I swallowed. This was going to be harder than I thought. His eyes rested on me, and his smile faded into a closed expression. I winced. I shouldn't have expected that he would be glad to see me- he had given up his love to me, and I'd taken it and practically smashed it in his face.

"Lily." It was spoken with an entirely uninviting air, but it didn't throw me off. I smiled, with difficulty. "Congratulations! You were amazing!"

His face softened, but only barely. It was like looking at a statue of carved ice. "Thank you."

"James. . . I'm sor-"

"How many times are you going to say that?" he asked, rubbing his hand through his hair and making it stick up on end adorably. "I know you're sorry. I don't give a damn. I don't want your apologies."

"I know you don't." I looked away, and then pursed my lips. "Look. I'm not going to grovel at your feet and guilt myself about this. I don't love you. And I don't want to feel sorry about that." I folded my arms over my chest and glared defiantly up at him. "I'm not going to let you hate me because I'm not doing what you want me to."

His jaw tensed, and he looked away over my head, before sighing. "I don't expect you to. I just. . ."

I sighed. "I feel embarrassed, myself." He raised his eyebrows, and I took it for a sign to continue. "I had you, standing in front of me, telling me you were completely in love with me, something that most girls would kill to be in my place for, and I have to look you, my friend, in the eyes, and say I couldn't love you." He smiled a bit, and it was like the sun breaking through grey clouds.

"You're embarrassed?" he gave a shrug and smiled harshly. "There I am, going on and on about how much I adore you, and you stand there like a stunned fish, just _gaping _at me, and then you tell me never to talk about it and run away. God, Lily." He gave a shake of his head, as if wishing to clear the experience from his mind, and his cheeks were slightly flushed.

"I don't want to cut you out of my life," I told him, wincing at the way he put it. "You're like my best friend." He smiled briefly at that. "Can we go back to how we were?"

"I don't know." He rumpled his hair some more as he thought. "I'm not going to lie and tell you I can just stop feeling that towards you. But I do want to be your friend. Honest." He held up his right hand, as though swearing something important, and it made me laugh.

"I think I can handle it," I told him. "I mean. . . it's not if I can bare it, it's if you can. . . Oi, this is awkward." I rubbed my temples with my fingers. "Do you really think we can still, you know, talk?"

He studied me for a moment, and shrugged. "We can try. I guess. I'd like to." I sighed and opened my arms for him. He looked a bit taken aback, and I rolled my eyes. "If I can't hug you, then I don't want to be-"

He grinned, and hugged me back, tentatively, his hands barely resting on my back as I squeezed him tightly. "Missed you, James," I told him, breathing in his scent. "I'm really sorry." He sighed, and dropped his hands to the side so that he wasn't touching me, and I stepped away awkwardly. At least he was still in front of me, though.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

By mid-afternoon, the grey skies had faded away into a bright, brilliant blue. The air was warmer than usual, and during the free period between lunch and our next class, there was a rush as all the seventh years ran outside, ditching sweaters and coats behind us. We sat clustered around the oak tree by the lake, looking out over the frozen water and laughing between ourselves. Remus was sitting with us- Sirius, James and Peter were off plotting something that he wanted no part in- and we were having fun teasing him.

"So, Remus," Olivia said, a twinkle in her eyes as she looked at him. "Why don't you have a girlfriend?"

He coughed, as though buying himself more time, then looked at her shrewdly. "I wasn't aware that I needed one."

"Oh, come on," I told him. "Have you ever been on a date before?"

"Of course I have," he said indignantly, running his hair through his long, brown-gold hair in a way that reminded me of James, and I stifled a smile. "Uh. . . there was. . . Mary. . . last year, I think? And. . . erm. . . maybe someone before that?"

"Don't worry," Raye told him. She was in the process of plaiting Aria's long hair, her long fingers smoothing over the errant strands. "We'll find you someone, Rem." I looked at her sideways. If she hadn't been dating Fabian, I would have thought she would be perfect. Exactly someone to draw him out of his shell. And then I laughed at myself for the thought. The spring weather must be going to my head. I was thinking like a matchmaker.

"So, do you like anyone?" Aria asked him, twirling a long leaf in between her fingers and wincing as Raye accidentally tugged sharply on her hair. "Anyone we should try and set you up with?"

Remus looked entirely uncomfortable, and threw a desperate glance over towards where Sirius and James were laughing as they walked towards him. "Really. . . it's not necessary." And then Sirius was flinging his arm around his thin shoulders, and James was sprawling on his other side, and it struck me how tired he looked. I wondered if I'd ever see a relaxed Remus. He was good-looking, though, with his long hair and golden eyes, but you had to really look at him and watch him when he smiled to see it. He was dimmed out by Sirius.

"What are you doing to our Remus?" Sirius asked indignantly, ruffling the other boy's hair despite his weak protests. "Only we can torment him."

"We weren't tormenting him." Aria informed him. "More like. . .helping."

Remus laughed, and Sirius' mouth twitched as he continued to look at Aria. She was gazing out over the lake with a soft expression on her face, the sunlight playing on her golden hair, and it was rather a stunning sight. I couldn't blame him for staring.

. . . . . . . . . . .

Herbology was another unfortunate affair- this time because of different reasons. The last week I'd been there, Sirius had detested me, and now it seemed that he had accepted me, or at least pretended to, and constantly irritated and hugged me. I couldn't decide which was worse- his continuous bad jokes, or the fact that he had managed to kill half of our rare plants while I was in the Hospital Wing. I spent the whole class rolling my eyes while flicking my wand at the planter and managing to stop the other half from withering up. Professor Sprout, when coming around, clicked her tongue at us, and I suppressed a sigh. If Sirius actually did something, this would be a lot easier.

"Hey, Lily, what do you get when a giant sneezes?"

Banging my head on the table might be too dramatic, I thought.

"Out of the way!"

The only thing I really wanted to do, besides stun Sirius into oblivion, was flop down and close my eyes and never wake up. I didn't want to deal with anything important. The small quibbles over breakfast, and what had happened between Aria and Sirius seemed insignificant. Because Nate was dead. No matter how many times I repeated that sentence in my mind, it didn't sink in. He was dead. He was _dead._ But I still expected to see him round the corner, or climb into the portrait hole with a grin on his face. I loved him, and I wished I had been able to tell or show him that, before he was gone. And the weather was getting nicer, and I couldn't find myself thinking about anything but that.

I sighed with regret. I didn't want to fret over my botched love life. What I really had to do was throw myself into my schoolwork, get all of it off of my mind. N.E.W.T.s were coming up, and it might benefit me to study.

"Sirius."

He faltered to a stop, in the middle of some long-winded ramble about nothing in particular, and looked at me. "What's up?"

"Look, it's not that I don't appreciate having you as a partner," he smirked at me, and I resisted the urge to smash the planter over his head. "But I really want to get a good grade, and it would be nice if you actually helped?"

"I am helping," he whined, his lip jutting out, and he flicked his wand toward the plants. Red sparks flew out, and I threw myself in front of it, shielding the poor plants with my body to protect them from the harm that could come to them. "And burning them to a crisp is helping how?"

"Fine." He scowled. "I'll just turn your textbook page for you when you need it, madam."

I rolled my eyes. "Seriously. At least read the chapter on how to tend plants, and maybe that'll help. Just, please try." And as he sunk back in his seat, looking reproachfully towards me, I wondered if it was possible to get through to him.

. . . .

It was after dark, and I was sitting on the top of the Astronomy tower, a feat that would probably earn me about ten detentions if I was caught. The night was warm and unusually breezy, and my legs hung over the tower, dangling over the stone as I looked down at the Daily Prophet in my lap. I had snatched it out of Aria's trunk as I had raced upstairs to escape the stifling stuffiness of the dormitory. It was much nicer outside- the endless black sky above me, pinpricks of light and swirling clouds blocking the moon. I looked down at the newspaper.

It wasn't good news. The Death Eaters had moved their location after my boyfriend's highly publicized death, and had been traveling down the country into more tiny towns, killing more and more innocent people and families. I stared numbly at the black-and-white moving photo of the Dark Mark- the snake swirling out of the opening mouth. In one movement, I crunched the paper up in my fist and let it fall down toward the ground far below.

I looked up at the stars and sighed. I wondered if Nate was up there, looking down on me. I raised an arm and let it fall in a wave. I missed him, but it wasn't in the same physical pain, or the anger. It was a longing, like a wish that I couldn't have. It didn't hurt so much, but there would always be that, 'what if' factor. I wondered how many other people were in the same position- wishing and yearning for them to be back, but knowing that they never would.

Sometimes heartbreak could be a silent thing, too.

**Author's Note- I'm sorry this isn't a real chapter, and you're going to have to wait some more, because I'm going away to Florida on vacation for a week! Yay! But I won't be able to publish another story for at least eight days, so this will have to tide you over until then. Hope you read and review! :)**


	22. Chapter 22

Hiya! I'm back!

You guys are so awesome. I came back from vacation to see my inbox flooded with 50 (50!) messages. It means a lot.

I hope you enjoy this chapter, and I promise there'll be more updates soon. :)

Chapter 21

D_ear Nate,_

_ When I was eight, my grandmother died. My mother thought I would devastated, so after the funeral, she took me to a grief-counselor near London. The woman was terrifying- I remember that much- with bleached hair and penciled-in eyebrows that gave her a look of permanent surprise. She gave me a box of crayons, and told me to write a letter to my grandmother and tell her everything. So I did. I think the letter went something like this, "Grandmum- we saw you in a box today. Must be hard to breathe under all that dirt. Bye. Love, Lily." The woman quickly ushered me out of the office afterward._

_ I feel ridiculous, writing to you like this. I mean, you're dead. I watched it happen. But I think, after all these years, that I'll take the counselor's advice and write to you. It can't hurt, can it?_

_ God. You're dead. It's so hard to say. I mean, we weren't that close. I didn't know everything about you. I kept you out. But I cried for a week, when you got hit. And when James tried to comfort me, I threw a flowerpot at his head._

_ I miss you. It's getting better now- I'm laughing and joking with my friends before I catch myself and remember that you're gone. And then that sad, smothering, sinking feeling comes up behind me and knocks me off my feet, and I'm drowning in it. I told Aria about it the other day, and she said, "It's called longing, Lil. It's missing someone."_

_ Love,_

_ Lily_

"Is dressing up required for a funeral?" I was sitting on my bed, my nails digging into my palms as Aria hovered over me, braiding my hair back into an elegant updo. Raye, who was repeatedly jabbing me in the eye as she coated my eyelashes with mascara, snorted. "Nate's whole family is going to be there, sweetie. Don't you want to make a good impression?"

I fell silent at that. It seemed an odd way to be meeting my boyfriend's relatives- at his funeral. Aria gave me a particularly hard tug on my hair.

"Ow!"

"And if you weren't so darn stubborn, we could have this done in time. Lily, I don't know why you don't put on makeup or do your hair everyday, because you look beaut-"

"What about Olivia?" I interjected, gesturing angrily towards her as Raye clamped her hands on either side of my face to keep me still. "Why is she the only one who isn't subjected to this torture?" Raye looked over at Olivia, who was lounging on her bed in sweatpants and a grubby t-shirt, her hair pulled back in its usual elastic. Raye grimaced. "Liv would probably chase us down the hall with her Beater's bat if we tried to."

Olivia laughed, which gave us no doubt that she would, indeed, do just that. "True. Sorry, Lils, but I've got Quidditch practice, so I can't go. Remind me to thank James for that."

I threw a pillow at her, which caused the bobby pin Aria was carefully inserting to go awry and stab me hard. "_Shit! _That actually hurt!" I complained, as Raye dusted powdered rouge onto my cheeks and surveyed me with satisfaction. "Are we done?"

Aria gave my hair one last final prod and nodded. I sighed and got to my feet, shaking out the black dress that Raye had lent me- she was closest to my size, as Aria was about a head taller. It was a beautiful dress- with slit sleeves and a square neckline, a long narrow skirt and seaming under the bustline. "I don't know why you bother with all of this," I told them, turning towards the mirror. "It's not going to make a diff. . . _Oh_. . ." My voice froze.

Because the girl staring back at me in the mirror, didn't look anything like me- vivid green eyes gramed by thick dark lashes, delicately flushed cheeks on creamy skin, round pink lips and slim arms, her dark red hair swept back from her face in intricate braids ending in a massive bun that hovered at the nape of her neck. That couldn't be me.

"I told you it's worth it," Aria said with satisfaction, straightening out her own dress and brushing through her loose hair. "You look gorgeous, Lil,"

I turned away from the mirror in shock. "I don't know whether to thank you, or hit you."

"Love us," Raye advised, clipping her hair back and grinning at me. "It's easier."

We waved good-bye to Olivia and Sara, both of whom were staying behind, and made our way down the stairs and into the crowded common room.

"Damn." I turned to see Sirius watching us. "You three clean up well." I smiled and Raye wriggled her fingers towards where he, James and Remus were lounging on armchairs. James was staring at me, his cheeks flushed, his eyes wide, his jaw hanging open, as though he were seeing some kind of goddess. I smiled at him, and he blinked rapidly. It was funny, to see how I could affect him like this.

"Where're you going?" Remus asked, watching Raye. She looked at me quickly, then back at him. "Nate's funeral." She said quietly, and Aria edged closer to me, putting her arm around my shoulders protectively, and I ducked my head, biting my lip and leaning towards Aria.

James half-rose out of his chair, apparently shaken out of his stupor. "Lily. Do you want me to go with you?"

"Oi! Quidditch practice, mate!" Sirius grabbed James by the arm and jerked him back down, but his eyes remained fixed on me, and I knew that if I said anything, he'd probably cancel the practice and come with me. That was love, all right.

"No!" I said brightly. Too brightly. "I've got Raye and Aria. Don't worry about me, okay?" He remained looking worried, but sank back in his chair. We turned and headed toward the Portrait Hole, Aria's arm still around me, and I could hear Sirius, saying in a mock high-pitched voice; "'Do you want me to go with you?'" he laughed, bark-like. "Merlin, Prongs, you've got it bad."

...

The funeral was held in a small, windblown cemetary near where Nate had grown up, in Kent. It was a beautiful resting spot, huddled under trees weighted down with snow, near a frozen pond. I imagined it in the spring, when flowers would blooms and grass would grow in lush fields. A large coffin stood, alone, by the grave, and we stood around it, staring at the glossy black cover that hid the body from view, for which I was thankful. It wasn't a large congregation, but all of Nate's friends and family had shown up, draped in black and overlarge hats, listening as the priest talked. I gripped Aria's hand in my cold one as I stared at the coffin. A large, moving photograph of Nate rested at one end- his school picture. He was smiling that familiar smile, his brown hair falling into his eyes which crinkled at the edges. I could feel hot tears pooling in my eyes, and I blinked, looking determinedly away. Merlin, this was going to be harder than I'd thought it would be.

"Lily." It was Raye's voice, and I blinked again and looked around. It was beginning to snow, large white flakes falling down to litter the black coffin. I looked up towards the grey clouds, the stinging snow melting on my cheeks and trickling down like tears. The priest had stepped back and stopped talking, and the congregation was moving, speaking to each other in low, hushed tones. It was over. I hadn't broken down.

"You must be Lily Evans."

I turned at the mention of my name, and found myself face-to-face with a tall, imposing man with cropped grey-brown hair and the same handsome features as Nate, aged a bit. I knew instinctively that it was Nate's father.

"I am." I didn't ask how he knew who I was. "I'm glad to meet you."

He studied my upturned face and nodded briefly. "My son talked about you." I didn't say anything, just waited. "He said you were 'the most wonderful girl he had ever met.'" He watched me closely, as though judging me against his son's words, and I could feel the tears building once again, and bit my lip, hard, to keep them back.

"I don't know about that," I managed, swallowing hard. "But, I loved your son, very much. . . and I'm sorry that. . . I didn't mean to. . ." I had caved in again. I brought my hands up to cover my face and managed to compose myself. "I'll miss him," I admitted, simply. "Thank you for inviting us."

Nate's father looked from Aria to Raye and back to me, and let a smile slip through a crack in his stern mask. "I'm glad Nate had you, Lily Evans," he said simply, and bowed his head before turning on his heels and striding off towards some relatives.

"Strange," Aria muttered, pulling her cloak hood over her head to keep off the snow. "Very strange. . . Lily!"

Because I had crumpled on the ground, put my head on my knees, and tried not to lose it as tears streamed down my cheeks. Good lord, I had thought this would be easy. I had counted on it, but that was before I had talked to Mr. Hendricks, who was so similar and yet so opposite from his son. The most wonderful girl in the world, he had said. Lines from the funeral echoed around in my head. _Noble of heart. . . always happy. . . too young, far too young to die. . . _I could tell that Aria was looking helpless above me, even though I couldn't see it.

Someone knelt down next to me, and I felt a small hand on my shoulder, and then the citrus smell of Raye's shampoo as she put her arm around me. "I miss him too," she told me gently. "I miss how you were when you were with him." That only caused my shoulders to shake with another sob, but she persevered. "But you know what, Lily? You're a strong person. You don't need a man by your side to make you better. And gradually, you're not going to hurt as much."

"I don't want to forget. . ."

"You don't have to forget. Because he'll always be right here." And she touched the middle of her chest, meaning her heart, and nodded importantly.

I let out a watery laugh. "That is so cheesy," I managed, leaning my head against her and resting my wet cheek against her collarbone. "Thank you." I whispered. She patted the top of my head. "S' all right, Lily."

At last I looked up and gave a wet cough. "I'll bet I've got smears down to my chin," I said dryly, getting to my feet and shaking the bramble from my dress. "Do I?"

Aria grinned, and offered me a scrap of a handkerchief that she had pulled out of her coat pocket. "Waterproof mascara. We're a step ahead of you, darling." And they each took one of my hands and together we disapparated back toward the castle.

...

The evening was quiet, and I sat curled up in an old armchair, dressed in sweatpants and a green cardigan, my makeup washed off, though I hadn't been able to undo the hairstyle, so it was still there. I felt a bit like a mouse, I decided, as Olivia's cat purred and leaped up on my lap. I scratched the Cat's ears and it leaned into me, purring so loudly it was almost menacing.

"I hate cats."

I looked up, startled, and there was Sirius Black, lounging on the couch across from me. How and when he had gotten there, I had no idea, but I kept petting the Cat as the nothing had happened. "Shame."

"So. How was. . ." he dropped his voice, as though uttering a nasty swear word in McGonagall's hearing range. "You know. . . the funeral?"

My hand kept moving, tangling itself in the Cat's long fur, as though it was automatic. "Harsh," I said truthfully. "It's really starting to sink in, that's he's gone."

"That's tough. I am sorry, Lily."

Was I actually having a serious conversation with Sirius Black? I wondered absently how many other people could say that they had. "You know I'm always here for my Lily-flower, though." I rolled my eyes. And not serious, anymore.

"I think I'll pass, thanks."

"Alas, the only girl who could ever resist this." He gestured to himself dramatically, and I fought and lost the urge to laugh. A snort escaped. He looked highly affronted, crossed his arms and turned away from me. I returned my attentions back to the Cat. When Sirius hadn't spoken for more than ten seconds, I looked up, alarmed. He was watching something across the room with a frown on his face. I followed his gaze to the fireplace, where Aria was sitting at a table with Sean, her long hair sliding over her face as she leaned forward. I looked back at Sirius, in time to see the wounded expression on his face.

"Any regrets?"

He glanced at me, and his mask slid right over his face. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Aria! Why else were you watching her?"

He sighed, and I wondered if we were going to have another serious conversation. "A few. Mostly my fault."

"Such as?"

"She's a great girl, Aria. But I was such an arse." He sighed again. "Sean's a lucky guy."

"I don't think they're dating," I mused. "I don't really know what's going on with her."

"I wish. . ." he began, but he stopped abruptly and shook his head. "I think I've learned my lesson." He grinned suddenly, the firelight playing on his face making him look positively breathtaking. "But, Merlin! The things she could do in b-"

"If you finish that sentence, I'll hex you into oblivion," I warned, grabbing my wand from my pocket as the Cat gave an indignant yowl at being jostled. "I don't want to hear that about my best friend, thanks."

"You think I want to hear that about James?" Sirius countered. "But all these girls sigh over how 'handsome and strong, and _those hands_. . ." his voice rose in a falsetto, and he sniggered.

"What?" My heart seemed to stop and burn and freeze all at once.

"Don't worry," Sirius reassured me. "He's saving himself for you." And it was said in such a matter-of-fact way that I was taken aback again.

"_What?_"

"I don't see the point, myself. No offense, Lils. But some of those girls, I mean, _really_."

I put my hands over my ears childishly. "I don't want to hear about it. Shut it, Sirius."

Because who wanted to hear that a perfectly likable boy was doing and saying the sweetest things to you, when there was a hole in your heart, and you could never love him back?

The divination classroom was silent on Tuesday morning, as I tried not to fall asleep in the ray of sunlight that streamed in through the window. Professor Trelawney expanded upon some subject, her many beads glittering in the sun. James, who was sitting next to me at the desk, pushed a piece of parchment towards me, and I saw that it had his neat handwriting across it.

_She looks like a dandelion, don't you think?_

I furrowed my eyebrows at him, then squinted up at Professor Trelawney, her puff of apricot-colored hair, her scrawny frame and withered skin, and had to clap my hands to my mouth to stifle a laugh.

_One puff of air could blow her over, I think. I heard she was retiring after this year?_ I scrawled back.

He grinned and dipped his quill in ink. _I wonder who's going to take her place? Some other nutter, probably. _He slid it across the table, and I smiled as I read the note.

_Why are we taking this class?_ I wrote back. _I mean, we could be doing something useful with our time._

_ Maybe because it gives us time to do our homework? Or take a nap?_

I grinned at him, as Professor Trelawney came wafting over. "Palm-reading," she said, miffed, "Is a noble, ancient art, and I'd thank you to pay attention, please!" She grabbed the note from me and crumpling it in her fist, tossed it into the fireplace. "If you'll turn to page three-hundred and ninety-four. . ."

"So, what do you see?" I asked, as the class buzzed with chatter, because the professor had turned back to her desk to grade paperwork. I splayed my hand in front of James's face. He grabbed my wrist absently, turning my hand over in his as he found the page we were supposed to be looking over, his lips moving as he read over the paragraph, then he brought my hand closer to his face and examined it curiously. "I think this is your lifeline," he said it as a question, his free hand barely skimming one of the lines in my palm. His hand was warm and overlarge compared to mine. "Er. . . wait a minute. . . that's your head line?" His finger traced another line on my palm, and I squirmed, trying not to pull it away. He looked up from from the book, and his smile widened, almost evilly. He drew a line from my fingertip to the center of my palm, and I had to clap a hand over my mouth to stop the laughter.

"Who would have thought it- Lily Evans, ticklish!" He announced, as though he had discovered something very important. His thumb barely skated over my palm, as though caressing it.

"Stop it," I choked out, yanking my hand away as his eyes twinkled. "You are so _mean_!"

He grinned, and at that moment Professor Trelawney arrived at our table, looking slightly intimidating for such a mild person. "Get to it!" She snapped, clapping her hands together loudly and jolting the sleeping boy at the next table awake. "Mr. Potter, read her palm! Do I have to keep reminding you?"

James, looking thoroughly alarmed, took my hand and peered down at it, then at the book. "Uh. . . this line here, how it breaks off. . ." he studied the passage some more, his forehead wrinkling. "In your future, there's going to be. . . sheep?"

I tried, really tried, to contain my laughter, but it just didn't work. Professor Trelawney's penciled-in eyebrows rose high on her forehead. "Sheep?"

"Er. . . yes? Lots of. . . wooly sheep?"

I banged my head down on the table as I burst out laughing. James, watching me, grinned.

"Detention," Professor Trelawney said gravely. "I'm sorry, but it's unavoidable. If you two want to pass your N.E.W.T.s, you'll have to work harder than. . . sheep." And, looking at her, I could have sworn that I saw the corner of her mouth twitch with amusement.

"Sheep? That's the best you could do?" We were walking back to the Great Hall for lunch from Divination, my arms full with books and parchment, with a detention for Wednesday night. "Of all the things you could have picked, you chose. . . woolly sheep?"

He grinned, looking slightly ashamed with himself. "Sorry, Lily. But I swear, I couldn't see anything on your hand but skin."

"Shame. I really wanted to know my future," I told him, and smiled as he reached over and rumpled my hair.

And it was nice, to be with him, and not have to worry about Nate or the Death Eaters or James loving me, just to be friends, like this.

It was break between lunch and Care of Magical Creatures, and Aria and I were sitting on a bench in the frozen courtyard as Raye ran, shrieking, around in circles, being chased by Olivia who wanted her scarf back. I pulled the woolen hat tighter over my ears and looked over at Aria. "So what's the deal between you and Sean?"

Aria turned and gave me a look. "What do you mean?"

"Well. . ." I nudged her foot with my own. "What's going on? Are you going out with him, or. . ."

"We're. . . friends," she said hesitantly. "If that. I think he wants to, but-" She shrugged. "I just want to be by myself now." I nodded slowly, hoping for a more in-depth answer, as she stared off into space. Finally, she gave a laugh. "It's funny, though. Sirius broke my heart. But I can't help but still love him. I keep hoping he'll love me back, somehow. But if he did, I don't think I'd let him near me again, after what he's done."

I sighed, watching Olivia tackled Raye, grab the scarf and run off. "Love's complicated," I said, thinking of me and Nate, James and Emily, James and me. "It sucks."

"Definitely." She agreed, leaning back so that her shoulder was resting against mine, and together we watched the snow begin to fall onto the grey, grey grounds.


	23. Chapter 23

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Chapter 23

March 27th was James' birthday- a bright, sunny Friday morning. I entered the Great Hall, my shoes loud on the stone floor- it was quiet, and nearly empty. I walked carefully towards the Gryffindor table, my hands cradling the giant chocolate cupcake I had gotten from the kitchens, trying to avoid burning my sleeve on the lit candle. I sat down in the empty seat next to James and slid it towards him, grinning around at my friends. "Happy eighteenth, James," I told him, smiling, as he looked around surprised. "I hope you have a good day."

"Thank you, Lily," he said sincerely, grinning at me. I waited, as he returned to his toast. "Aren't you going to make a wish?" I asked, gesturing towards the burning candle, which was dripping liquid wax over the icing. "You're only eighteen once."

He looked at me sideways, before taking a deep breath and blowing the candle out. Everyone around us cheered, and I blushed, realizing what he had wished for, the way he was looking at me. That was one present he wasn't going to get. I reached over him, grabbing the plate of muffins and putting a blueberry one on my plate, breaking off a piece and putting it into my mouth. The ceiling over the Great Hall was purest blue, not a trace of a cloud. Shame it was so cold, or it would have been a good outdoors day.

"Do you want a piece?" James questioned, as he broke the cupcake in half and slid part of it towards Sirius, who was practically salivating at the look of it. I noticed that Remus wasn't at the table, but was distracted from questioning as James offered me a chunk of cupcake.

"No, that's all right," I told him, pouring orange juice into my glass and taking a swig. "I don't do chocolate in the morning, thanks."

"So, did you make it yourself?" He asked, taking the candle out of the half and putting it on his plate. I watched the thin stream of smoke that still remained snake up towards the ceiling. "No, actually, I stopped in at the kitchens and the house elves had a whole tray of them. . . hey!" James had dipped his finger into the chocolate icing, and dabbed it on my nose. My eyes crossed as I tried to see the damage he had done. "You suck," I told him, laughing as I swiped icing onto my own finger and smeared it on his cheek. He grinned, and I knew there would be retaliation later.

I leaned over and kissed his cheek. Hopefully that would distract him from whatever horror he had in store from me. "I have to run," I told him, putting the other half of my muffin down, flushing at the looks of surprise on his and everyone else's faces. "McGonagall wanted to meet with me before Transfiguration. I'll see you later?" And grabbing my book bag I left the table, noticing James' hand coming up to rest on his cheek. I smiled, and licked my lips. They tasted like chocolate.

Transfiguration was hardly beginning when Aria, Raye and Olivia came hurrying in. I was unpacking my textbook, seated at my usual desk. McGonagall had only wanted to tell me that the prefects would be meeting tonight, but they didn't want the Heads there. That was good- I had three essays that needed to be done. I smiled in welcome as Aria took the seat next to me, and Raye and Olivia slid into the desk behind us. I looked around in surprise- Raye usually sat with her boyfriend, Fabian- he was at their usual table, but there was another girl there today, whom he was flirting with. I turned to Raye. "Why aren't you sitting with Fabian?" I asked. "Who's that girl? Did he-"

"Oh, no, don't worry," she said, glancing behind her and smiling. "He said that she took the seat he was saving for me. He doesn't like to be rude, see. . . We're fine." I watched Fabian lean towards the girl, saw the smile that appeared on her face. I felt bad for Raye- she didn't know about what her boyfriend had done, and thought he was just as devoted as ever. I glanced towards Aria, and saw the expected guilty expression. "Please, don't tell her," she whispered, leaning forward so that her hair blocked Raye from view. "It'll kill her." I sighed and shook my head at her. "I know that more than you do," I told her sternly, but squeezed her hand tightly in my own. McGonagall swept in, and that was the end of our discussion.

We were starting in on human transfiguration, much to the class's delight. Not only, McGonagall told us, would this be a good skill to have on our job applications, but for those who wanted to be Aurors, it was essential. Especially in the war we were fighting now. We watched as the professor took her seat, closed her eyes in concentration, and a moment later turned into a giant potted plant. I grinned at Aria. How cool would it be, to just be able to turn into everyday objects like that?

We started in on the basics- transfiguring a part of ourselves into that of something else- Aria's hand became a flesh-colored but otherwise realistic candlestick holder. Raye had transfigured her foot into a grandfather's clock, and watching her attempts to walk over Professor McGonagall to get her to change it back, bells chiming loudly, was amusing. I had transfigured my lower half into a table, and it must have looked very odd indeed- my torso sprouting out of a beautiful oak table. I was able to change it back without much trouble, though.

When Transfiguration was over, and McGonagall and the rest of the class had swept out of the room, I busied myself with organizing my textbooks in my bag, and turned to see Raye, Aria and Olivia watching me. "Lily. We need to talk," Aria said, and it didn't sound like it would bode well for me. "What's wrong?"

"Do you fancy James?"

I stared at them in disbelief. "Seriously? No! I already told you that, Aria!" I saw them exchange a dubious look, and rolled my eyes. "Come off it," I groaned. "We're friends, all right? The only one I love is Nate."

Aria bit her lip, and Raye took over. "Then why do you flirt with him so much?"

"What are you talking about?"

"During breakfast?" Olivia said, raising her eyebrows. "Do you usually bring your friends cupcakes and smear frosting on them and kiss them on the cheek?" I blushed, sheepish. "Lily, we're not trying to yell at you," Olivia went on, pausing and looking towards the other two for help.

"But you must know that James fancies you!" Aria exclaimed, folding her arms across her chest. "If you really don't like him, you're giving him the wrong impression."

"You're going to break his heart, sweetheart." Raye told me. "You can't keep doing this, or he's going to explode."

"You think I could?"

"Lily!" Olivia interjected. "Do you _want _to break his heart?"

"I'd like to know that I could," I mused. "It's interesting, actually." I caught her expression, and laughed. "Oh, come on, Liv, you know I'd never want to hurt anybody."

"Look," Olivia said. "He's my captain." I looked at Raye, who said, "he's my Herbology partner." Aria said softly, "he's my friend. And as much as we love you, Lils, we don't want to see him hurt." I ducked my head, my hair falling in front of my eyes as I thought. "So you're saying that if I don't fancy him, I shouldn't talk with him at all?" Raye grimaced. "Well. . . no. . . but just. . . I don't know, don't give him any false hope. Don't you hate it when boys do that?"

"Definitely," Aria agreed, scowling. "And it's worse when you're in love with them. Lily, just try to keep that in mind. When you're sweet to him, it makes things worse."

I frowned, but there really was no arguing with that. I fiddled with the strap of my bag. "I'll try," I said dubiously. "But- I don't know. It seems ridiculous, that I could break his heart!" But from the glance the other three exchanged, it seemed perfectly expected to them.

Not lead James on in false hope? I thought about it a lot over the class before dinner- History of Magic, when it was perfectly acceptable to let your mind wander. The sun, visible through the large windows, was steadily sinking in the horizon, flickering honey-yellow. I sighed, creasing my forehead and staring at the blackboard towards the front of the room, watching as Binns' translucent hand passed over it vaguely. What was that supposed to mean? Should I just avoid him? I glanced towards James- his hair was rumpled something dreadful as he propped his head on his hand, his eyelids flickering shut as he tried to keep conscious. I grinned at the sight and turned away. If I suddenly avoided him, that would probably hurt him worse than anything else.

Maybe I should set him up with another girl. That would take his mind off of me, and we could still be friends. And then I pictured his expression, when I had tried to set him up with Marlene McKinnon. Merlin, he'd been angry. I didn't want to go through that again- although now that I was thinking about it, I could understand why he was so mad again. There I was, attempting to get him a girlfriend, with no clue that he fancied me. I should have been a little more tactful, maybe, I thought grimly, remembering his furious expression and how he had stormed from the room. Oh, well. What was done was done. The day went on.

. . . . . .

Night had fallen- dark blue light was streaming in from the large windows, and the moon was waning from the full one it had been the night before, casting a silvery glow onto the grounds of Hogwarts. Pinpricks of stars were shining through the dark cloud covering, and I kept my eyes on them as I walked down the hallway towards the infirmary, trying to keep my mind on something besides the darkness and the shadows my dimly lit wand cast. I was going to try and beg for some dreamless sleep potion from Madame Pomfrey- the nightmares were becoming unbearable, and the dark circles under my eyes and blood-shot eyes were proof of that.

I pushed open the door to the Hospital Wing, wincing at the shriek of rusty hinges, and stepped through. It was dark; the torches chained to the walls providing a low glare of light. I looked around, peering into Madame Pomfrey's office- there was a small pink note on the empty chair. I grabbed it, and read _Off to get clean sheets. Please wait._

Great. I sighed, turning in a half circle to examine the wing as I waited. Most of the beds were empty, save two- one had curtains drawn in a tight circle around it, the other consisted of a boy. Curious as anyone would be, I walked towards him, the moonlight streaming through the window in square panels on his face and upper chest. Only when I was a foot away did I realize that it was Remus Lupin. I frowned. Nobody had told me that he was in the Hospital Wing!

I tilted my head, examining him with my eyes, and saw, dark against his pale face, a huge gash- the scar I'd noticed a few weeks ago had been reopened. Worried, I came closer, and gasped as I saw the pattern of cuts, scratches and bruises up and down his bare chest and arms. My eyebrows came together, and I reached out, wanting to touch him, but afraid to. I looked closer, and saw a faded bite mark in his shoulder. Why hadn't James or Sirius warned me that he was in such bad condition? Unless they had something to hide. . .

I looked towards the bedside table, and saw a folded, homemade card with a bad drawing of a wolf on the front. I snatched it up, not bothering to feel guilty about snooping, and opened it, to read the words in James' handwriting. _Mr. Moony- another excellent full moon. Don't worry- nobody was hurt. Awaiting next month's adventure, Mr. Prongs_.

The card fell from my hand onto the cold tiled floor. Sweet Merlin. Remus was a werewolf.

. . . . . .

The next morning was warm, and students were flocking over the grounds, basking in the unexpected sunlight and trying to soak in as much of it as they could. We had no classes- it was a Saturday, after all, and we were free to do whatever we wanted. I had one thing on my mind, though- find James, and question him. Screw Aria's warnings- I needed to talk to him now. The card that he had left on Remus' bedside table was clenched in my hands, growing slightly damp from my tight hold. I had seen him, Sirius and Peter perched under a beech tree, laughing and creating pretty-colored bubbles from their wand, and I made my way down the marble staircase and out the front doors into the bright sunlight, down a grassy path and past the lake, where people were throwing bread into the giant squid's open mouth, shrieking with laughter as she stretched her large tentacles towards them.

"James." I had arrived in front of the beech tree, temporarily blinded from the sunlight streaming through the bare branches and landing in shafts on my hair and shoulders. He, Sirius and Peter all looked around at me. I smiled sweetly at the other two. "I need to talk to James alone, if you don't mind."

'Yeah, sure." James pushed himself up from the ground, and, waving his hand slightly at the other two, followed me across more grass to the safety of the trees on the outskirts of the forest, where we would be out of sight. He grinned at me, his face tanner than usual and his eyes brilliant behind his glasses, and I had to blink to remain focused. "What do you need, Lily?'

"Nothing." I told him, shortly, clasping my hands together, the paper rustling in between them, and thinking of how to phrase this. "I was in the Hospital Wing, last night. . ."

His forehead furrowed, and he looked concerned. "Are you okay?" he asked, touching my shoulder hesitantly, and his eyes were the deepest, greenest hazel I had ever seen. I could probably drown in them, I decided, especially when they were opened so wide. "Lily, what happened?"

I shook my head, brushing off his hand as though it were an irksome fly. I couldn't have distractions. "No, nothing's wrong, I just needed something from Madame Pomfrey." I hesitated, looking into his open face and wondering if he was going to hex me when I told him. "I saw Remus there, James."

His back came up stiffly, as though protecting both himself and his friends. "That's nice," he said vaguely, but I could see the tension in the lines of his shoulders and the anxiousness in his forehead. "He'll be fine, you don't have to worry about it."

"Shut up," I told him without heat, my eyes wide. "I saw. . . those cuts." I traced my own cheek with a finger and shuddered slightly. "And this was on his bed table." I held the card out for his inspection. Wordlessly, he took it, and read the inscription on the inside, then slowly raised his eyes to mine, dread in them. "Lily. . ."

"Why didn't you tell me?" My voice was shrill. "All those years, all this time, and you never thought to mention?"

"Well, how am I supposed to do that?" he asked. "Slip it into a conversation- 'yes, that sweater looks fine on you- oh, by the way, Remus is a werewolf'?" I frowned at him. "I've never asked you if my sweaters look good on me," I said grumpily, crossing my arms over my chest. He snorted, as though torn between being exasperated and amused. I shook my head. "I can't believe it, though. Remus, a werewolf? God, he seemed like such a good person. . ."

"So, is that it, then?" He asked coldly, and I wondered if I had succeeded in making James angry at last. "Because of something that he couldn't control, you're going to push him out, be disgusted by him, _hate _him because he's unnatural? You are such a-"

"No!" I put my hand on his forearm, because soon he was going to whip out his wand and curse me, I was sure of it. "James, stop it! Of course I wouldn't do that! I love Remus-"

"Do you?"

"For Merlin's sake!" I put my hands on my head. Could this be any more exasperating? "He's like my brother, okay? It's just. . . not fair, that of all the people this had to happen to, it has to be him. He's the sweetest person I know. I just can't imagine him like that." I shuddered slightly. "I feel so bad for him," I whispered, looking up at James and seeing the confusion on his face. "I wish I could do something to help. . ."

He stared, stunned, and then gave a short laugh. "What? That's it? You're not repulsed by him? You don't want to shoot him with a silver bullet, or-"

"Of course not! He's my friend. I could never be like that."

And then the strangest thing happened- James seemed to relax, and then grinned in earnest. I'd never seen him quite so happy before, and it seemed to shine out of his every orifice and he was positively stunning. "Can I show you something?" He asked, taking my hands in his, and looking immensely eager and childlike, in a way. I crinkled my eyebrows, but nodded hesitantly. What would he want to show me now?

"You'll keep it a secret, right?" He asked, pausing in the act of taking his hands away from mine. "I mean, you can't tell anybody. Your friends, the teachers, no one."

"No, I won't tell," I told him. He raised his eyebrow, and I knew that he still didn't trust me. I rolled my eyes and held up my littlest finger. "Pink promise?" I said dryly. He grinned, and actually linked my pinky with his. "All right." he said, stepping back and closing his eyes in concentration. He was right in a sunbeam, and purest light streamed down on his upturned face. I stared, and he began to morph- his limps shrinking and thinning, his back becoming straight, his neck lengthening, antlers sprouting from his hair, until he stood in front of me, a beautiful stag. I shrieked, and jumped back, and the animal opened its mouth, and I swore it would have laughed if it could. I reached my hand out tentatively towards it, and it -he- came closer and nuzzled the outstretched palm. I fought back a smile, and knew from the widening of his eyes that he remembered how ticklish I was.

The stag was truly beautiful, especially since I'd never seen one so close to me before. His fur was a beautiful red-caramel color, with a white underbelly and white around its muzzle and tail. It had large, liquid eyes, the precise color that James' normally were, and huge antlers stretching up from between the small ears- white and curved and almost threatening. I moved my hand to the top of its head, remembering that, after all, it was James that I was touching, and petting it around the ears. It closed its eyes, long lashes brushing my hand, seeming to like that. In a pop, the stag was changing back, and then James stood in front of me, back as a human, and my hand was tangled in his hair. I blushed and pulled it back.

"You're a stag?" I found my voice at last. "An animagus? Bloody hell, James. How long have you been one?"

He sighed, smoothing down his hair and straightening his slightly rumpled clothes. "About. . . two years? I don't know. Sirius, Peter and I learned in fifth year. We'd figured out that Remus was a werewolf a while before, but it took that long to perfect the magic. Anyway, we try to help Remus, when he transforms."

"So, you hang out with a werewolf once a month?"

He winced to hear it put like that, but nodded. "Pretty much. We roam-er, look?- around Hogsmeade, and we can usually hold him back when he gets dangerous, and cheer him up. If we weren't there, he'd take all that anger out on himself, and he'd be a bloody mess by now."

It occurred to me that this was the most grown-up I'd ever heard James sound. I smiled up at him, as we began to walk back towards the castle together. "Where does Remus transform?" I asked him curiously. He pointed towards the Whomping Willow- it's branches swaying innocently in the light breeze. I gave him a look, sure he was joking, but he grinned. "There's a certain knothole. . . and underneath is the Shrieking Shack."

"The Shrieking Shack?" I echoed, staring harder at the tree. "Wow. I never would've guessed that." We walked in silence, him patient as I tried to absorb this. "What are Sirius and Peter, then?" I asked, remembering what he had said before. "You said you three learned in fifth year."

"Well. . . Sirius is a dog- sort of looks like a black bear, come to think of it. And Peter's. . . a rat."

"A rat?"

From his warning look, it was clear that I shouldn't make fun of the other boy, but he smiled nonetheless. "Yeah. He can sneak under the branches and press the knothole. We all work together, see?" We were nearly at the path up to the castle, and James turned to look at me. "So, what are you thinking?" He asked curiously, giving a wry smile. "Are you planning on telling the teachers as soon as you get inside?"

"What?" I asked, jerked away from my thoughts. "No- actually, I was wondering if you could teach me to be an animagus."

He stared for a few silent seconds, then let out a roar of laughter. I grinned, as he slung his arm around my neck and shoulder. "Lily Evans, you are not like other girls," he commented, still smiling, as we walked into the castle. I decided to take that as a compliment, and wondered, if I had told myself that I wouldn't let James touch me, or flirt with me, or anything- why I hadn't taken his arm off. Oh, well. It could hardly hurt, to let him think what he wanted to.

**Author's note- erm, sorry about the long rant. :)**


	24. Chapter 24

**Don't make me rant again.**

**:)**

Chapter 24

It was about midnight, and I couldn't fall asleep. Moonlight streamed in through my bedroom window, stabbing me in the eyes, and every creak, rustle and breath the others made sounded loud in my ears. I rolled over, burying my face into my pillow, my hair a colorless, dark streak against the pale white sheets. I tried to sleep, but was unsuccessful. It was then that I realized something. I sat up, my hair falling down my back, my head spinning. I glanced toward Aria's bed- her curtains were thrown open, revealing her slight figure curled up under blankets. I got up, unsteady on my feet and crept over. "Aria! Wake up!"

She started, and cracked open one eye to stare blearily up at me. "Whasswrong?" her voice was hoarse from lack of use. I sat down on the bed next to her, and she yawned massively, blinking and looking confused. "Lily?" I sat there, staring ahead, and then sighed. "Aria, what am I doing?"

"I was wondering that too." She rolled onto her back and brought her hands up to cover her eyes. "Why are you up?"

"I couldn't sleep." I laced my fingers together and stared at them, ashamed. "What am I doing to him?"

"What are you on about?"

"James. What's wrong with me?"

"Sweetheart." She sat up as well and looked over at me. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Why am I hurting him?" I turned to look at her with anguished eyes. "He told me he loves me, Aria." She gave a quick intake of breath, but I forestalled her. "I told him I didn't want any of that. So, we're friends." I paused to gather my thoughts, and she let me- out of respect, or whether she was still half-asleep, I wasn't sure. "And everything I do, I'm afraid I'll hurt him. I don't know what to tell him. What to say around him."

She ran her hand sleepily through her hair and looked at me tiredly. "If you leave him alone, will that get better?"

"I don't think so." I flinched at the idea. "I don't think I could. We have Head duties together, after all. And if I just start ignoring him, that'll hurt him more than what I'm doing."

She was quiet for a moment, then she said softly. "What if you love him back?"

I looked at her. "Aria. . ." I sighed and looked at my bed, toward the bedside table covered with pictures of Nate. "I can't," I pleaded. "I just can't. I love Nate. And if I did fancy James, it would ruin everything between us. We wouldn't stay together, and I don't think we could be friends after that."

"Tell him, then." She said to me, looking sympathetic. "Tell him exactly what you're feeling and what you're worried about. He'll understand. I don't know, Lily. Maybe you can figure something out, some way to be friends."

"I don't know what I'm doing," I admitted. "If I act like his friend, I feel like he wants something more, but if I try to act like more. . . I hurt him, because I don't like him like that." She put her arm around me and squeezed me tight. "At least get some sleep," she told me. "Maybe you'll think better in the morning." I rested my head on her shoulder for a couple moments, then sighed and got to my feet. "Good night, Aria."

"Good morning, more like," she said grumpily, looking towards the small clock on her bedside table. I smiled as I climbed back into my bedcovers. I would tell James what I was fretting over. Nothing could go wrong.

But it was morning, and we were halfway through Charms class, and I still hadn't talked to James. I had plenty of opportunities, but I just couldn't bring myself to grab him and tell him how confused I was. It was _awkward_. That was really the only word for this whole endeavor- awkward. I was sitting at a table with James and Sirius and Aria, and it was plenty awkward enough- what with the history between Sirius and Aria, and the present situation between James and I. Aria kept shooting me significant glances and looking amused every time James would look at me. I just wanted to hex them both. And Sirius, too, for good measure.

"You look awful, Lily darling," he said cheerfully, wrapping his arm around my neck so tight that it was like wearing a noose. "Something wrong?"

"Couldn't sleep," I mumbled, his strong arm keeping my cheek squashed against his chest, underneath his chin. It was incredibly uncomfortable, but it was Sirius, after all, and that's how he was. "Get your hands off of me, or I'll curse you." And that was the way I was.

"So, Prongs," Sirius had removed his arm like it was against a hot stove and was now talking to James. "Up for another achievement?"

Aria rolled her eyes at me- Sirius didn't have to sugarcoat it. We both knew what he was talking about. James grinned at him. "I think we've been dormant too long, my boy." I rolled my eyes back at Aria. Merlin, they were weird. Sirius gave me a quick, furtive glance and then leaned closer to James, whispering into his ear. I caught the words, S_nivellus_, _pink hair_, and _fuzzy socks_. A feeling of sick dread bubbled in the bottom of my stomach at the thought of Severus and our falling out. If Sirius and James were planning a prank to plan on him, it wouldn't be good. I glanced at Aria again, and saw that she looked just as worried as I did.

Charms was over shortly after, and I hurried to strap my bag over my shoulder and ran out of the classroom, down the hall and into the crowded Great Hall. People were filing in from all their classes, getting lunch, and I scanned the heads of the crowd, looking for Severus. Finally, I spotted the greasy black hair, and sped towards it. He was walking toward the exit with his group of friends, hanging behind them as though he were a little lost puppy. I waited until his gang had turned the corner, then approached him. As much as I dreaded talking with him again, I didn't want James and Sirius to be able to torture him whenever they could.

"Sev." I put my hand on his arm and yanked it. He jerked around, his thin face flushing angrily as he saw who it was. "Evans. What do you want?"

"I want to talk you." I said coldly, dragging him towards a secluded place in the hallway where nobody would hear us. "Warn you, really. James and Sirius might be planning a prank on you. Just. . . watch yourself."

"'_James and Sirius_'?" he mimicked in a high-pitched voice, and laughed. "Are you friends with them now? I didn't think the rumors were true- that you were sleeping with Potter, but. . ." he shrugged and smiled maliciously. "Now I know the truth. You're with both him and his best friend. Does Potter know, Evans?"  
I stepped forward and smacked him hard across the face. "Don't you dare talk about me like that," I hissed, as his hand came up to touch his flushed skin with a look of disbelief. "You have no right to ever say that about me, after everything we shared, _Snape_."

He shot me a look. "In denial?"

I nearly screamed in exasperation. "Merlin! I'm telling you this as a favor! I thought I'd be nice and warn you so that you're not humiliated in front of the whole school, _again_. But I think I'd like to see that, actually."

"I want you to stay away from Potter," he told me snidely, narrowing his eyes in suspicion. "He's a bad influence. You never would have yelled at me like that before-"

"I bloody well would have-"

"And anyway, there's something wrong about the whole group. I don't like it. Especially that Lupin bloke. God, it's unnatural. He should be locked away as a favor to normal Wizarding society."

"Shut your mouth," I growled at him. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"I know well enough that he shouldn't be kept around other people. He's the scum of the-"

I pulled out my wand and brandished it threateningly at him. "_He's_ the scum of the earth? God, Snape, you are! Remus is the kindest, nicest person I've ever met-"

"Three of Potter's gang? You _are_ a little slut."

I slapped him again- the other cheek, just to even things up. My hand was shaking with unsuppressed fury. "It's not his fault," I hissed at Snape. "None of this is Remus' fault, and don't you dare try and insult him in front of me. If you want someone to blame for it, blame Fenrir Greyback-"

I stopped talking almost immediately, as Snape's expression changed into one of pure shock. My stomach dropped. "Erm. . . well. . . no, actually, that's not-"

"I don't believe it," he breathed, his eyes alight with possibility. "Lupin, a-a werewolf? I had no idea. . ."

"You didn't?" I was at a loss for words. "But. . . but. . .but. . . No!" I reached out and grabbed his arm again before he could run away. "No! I didn't tell you that. Er, that's not right, I mean. He's really not-"

"I can't believe I didn't see it," he mused, and a slow smile crossed his face that did nothing to improve his features. "Lupin's a werewolf. How could I have been so blind?" I clamped my nails hard into his arm. "Don't. . . don't you tell anyone, Snape, or I swear I'll. . ." He gave me a delighted look that told me he wouldn't be forgetting this conversation anytime, twisted his arm from my clamp and sped away. I stared after him, and there was pure dread in my stomach.

This couldn't be happening, I thought as I climbed slowly up the marble staircase. No. I couldn't have told a pre-Death Eater Remus' biggest secret, the one that James had told me to keep silent, the one that he had trusted me with. What was he going to do, when he found out? I imagined Chinese Water Torture, at the least. And now the whole school was going to know, thanks to that little greasy-haired freak. I could feel my hands curling into fists, and stopped abruptly when I thought of Petunia, and all those times she would call me a freak.

The Fat Lady was snoozing against her frame, and it took me several times to shoot to get her to wake up irritably and open into the nearly-empty common room. I scanned it quickly, and saw that familiar head of tousled black hair and the glint of eyeglasses. I made my way quickly towards it, twisting my hands nervously, until I stopped in front of him. He looked up, a smile still on his face. "What's up, Lily?"

"Can I talk to you?" I spared a quick glance towards Peter, who was sitting opposite him at the round table. "Alone? Please? It's important."

Was it just me, or did I imagine a glint of something like hope in his eyes as he stood up quickly to follow me? Probably the firelight, I decided, making my way back out of the Portrait Hole, the Fat Lady muttering grumpily about being roused from her nap and unappreciative students. The hall was nearly empty- everybody was at breakfast, or their first lesson, and I led him to an abandoned nook in the hallway by a tapestry and a suit of armor where nobody would overhear us. I took a deep breath, and looked up at him, memorizing the happiness in his face. I doubted I would see it pointed at me much longer.

"Let me just say I'm sorry," I said quickly, before he could say anything. "I'm so, so, _so_ sorry. You have no idea. I feel horrible about it, and you probably won't ever talk to me again, and Remus-"

"Lily." he put his hands on my shoulders to steady me. "What are you on about?"

I laced my fingers together and studied them, unable to look up at him. "I heard you and Sirius, talking about pranking Snape, or something. Well, you know how we were friends, so I went to warn him to be on his guard. Sorry about that, by the way."

"Is that it?" He interrupted, looking amused. "Honestly, it's not that big of a deal. You had me scared there-"

"It gets worse." I cut him off and looked up quickly. His eyebrows were knitted together, and he was watching me intently. I refocused my gaze on my hands. "We got into a fight. He said. . . well, it doesn't matter. The point is, he was insulting me, and you, and Sirius, and Remus. He said. . ." I closed my eyes and felt a lump in my throat. "He said that people like Remus deserved to be locked up, that they were the scum of the earth. Well. . ." I fought back a tiny smile. "I went ballistic. I started screaming at him and told him that he was the scum of the earth, and that he'd better not talk about my friends like that ever again or I'd do something worse than slap him. Which I did." My dread was making me ramble. I took a few seconds to compose myself.

"I wish I was there for it," James said dreamily. "Lily Evans, defender of-"

"Shut up," I told him without heat. "It gets worse. Snape said that people like Remus should be blamed for all the problems in the world, and I told him. . . I told him. . ." I looked up, anguished, and blurted it out. "I told him that if he wanted someone to blame, it should be Fenrir Greyback." I ducked my head, unable to meet his eyes and continued before he could explode. "I don't know what I was thinking! I thought he already knew about Remus, and his. . . his problem! It seemed like he did, and it just blurted out. And now he knows, and now he's going to tell everyone, and I'm so, so sorry, James!"

I peeked up at him. He had turned away from me so that I was looking at his back, and his hands were on his face. He shook his head, and turned back to face me- disbelief, hurt and anger in his eyes. "I can't believe this. I _won't _believe this! You told. . ."

"I told Severus," I murmured, unable to look at him any longer. James simply looked at me, like the calm before the hurricane. I found my voice again. "James, I didn't mean to! You don't understand-"

"What don't I understand, Lily?" James spat out, his anger still well contained. "That you broke the promise you made to me? That you told Snape something you had no right to? That you're ruining my best friend's life?" He took a step closer to me, and I stepped back, trying to escape him, and then he was shouting in earnest, his eyes gone dark, and I realized again just how tall and threatening he was. "What about Remus?" he yelled at me, and his voice echoed across the stone walls; but no one would hear – they were all at lunch. I took another step back as he moved forward, and my back hit something hard- the cold stone wall. "What about all the hate and prejudice that Remus is going to have to go through, because you let something slip?" His eyes were alive with fury, and they were trained on me with all the intensity of a spotlight.

"I . . . I'm sorry." I whispered, tears swimming in my eyes. "I'm so, so sorry."

"Oh, you're sorry! Well, that should make me feel better, now that you're apologizing! I don't give a fuck, if you're sorry. Apologies can't take back what you've done. And you know what? Even though I might forgive you, I could never ask Remus to! He never complains about what happens to him, and now, since you told Snape, do you have any idea how many people will hate him? How many letters he'll get? How many people will hate him for something he can't control? He didn't need this, Lily! And you fucking ruined his life!" The tears were falling down my cheeks. James was so near now that I could sense his heat through our robes, engulfing me, drowning me. My head was beginning to swim- every time I breathed in unevenly, all I could take in was his intoxicating cologne. I could sense how close he was to me, how near his face was to mine. The cold stone wall gave me no escape, either from him, or from my own erratically beating heart. "How could you do something like that to me? To him? You're no better than Snape."

"James, please." I choked out through my tears, raising my hands to protect myself, afraid he would hit me or jinx me as his fists clenched.

"Don't _James, please_ me! You're the one who fucked up!"

I would rather fall through the floor and die than face his burning eyes. He looked dangerously angry, a pure, unadulterated fury emanating from them, striking me to the very center.

"James, do you know how many times I've told myself this? Please, you couldn't make me feel any worse! I'm so sorry . . ."

"You think _sorry_ is going to change anything? You think it's going to erase my mind? Get out your wand and o_bliviate_ me if you want that. Obliviate Snape! Erase his memories, if that's going to make you feel better." His eyes were as alight as a fire, burning me from the inside out. When he spoke again, however, his voice was cold, as cold as ice. It was almost worse than when he was yelling. "I want you to tell Remus, Lily. Tell him what you did, and why you did. Oh, and you might want to add how you found out."

"James. . ."

"I can't believe I spent four years following you!" He looked at me with an expression that was close to loathing. "You're not the girl I thought you were."

Tears finally spilled over my flushed cheeks as James walked away and turned the corner. Moments later, I heard an unpleasant smash as he must have punched a wall with an angry yell. I slid my back down the wall, crumpling up on the floor and resting my forehead on my knees. Heartbroken, I cried.

**A/N- (ducks a flying shoe) don't hate me!**


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

Head duty the following night was the most awkward situation I'd ever experienced. James wouldn't look at me, wouldn't come near me, and certainly wouldn't talk to me. McGonagall told us to patrol the seventh floor and make sure all the students were in bed, and James loped off in front of me, turned the corner and was gone. I sighed, clutching my lit wand closer and shivering in the cold air. I still hated the dark.

I don't think I had ever felt worse in my life. I missed James. When I was around him before, I could forget about Nate and all the other problems. But now that he was furious with me, I couldn't help but let my fears creep up on me. I veered toward a corridor with a lit lantern, like a moth attracted to the light, and concentrated on thinking about anything besides James and Nate and fear.

It was then that I heard a noise- one that I had had a lot of practice with identifying over the last couple of months. A rustling of clothing, a muffled giggle, a quiet gasp. I sighed, exiting the small halo the light made on the carpeted floor, and made my way over to the shadowy niche in which the noise sounded from.

"Excuse me," I said, both irritated and amused, to the two entwined figures in the darkness. "Aren't you supposed to be in bed?"

They broke apart slowly, and, as I directed my wand light at them, I saw Fabian Prewitt, and the girl he had been sitting next to last Herbology class. I groaned. Not again.

"Lily!" Fabian stuttered, attempting a smile, "Erm. . . nice to see you!"

"Are you kidding me?" I shot a death glare at the girl, who gulped, looking awkward for the briefest of seconds before running off in the opposite direction, her curly hair flying behind her. I turned back to Fabian. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I, uh, tripped and fell, and-?" He broke off as I thrust my wand up to his throat, the tip digging into his skin. He swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing, and I smiled vindictively. "I've had it," I hissed at him. "Do you even care about Raye's feelings? Do you give a damn that when she finds out, it'll break her heart?"

"She's not going to find out." He tried to sound firm, but it came out more like a question than anything else.

"Oh, yes, she is." I glared at him, and he looked petrified. "You're going to tell her exactly what you were doing tonight, and why you felt the need to cheat on her, or I'll happily gouge your eyeballs out with my wand and feed them to Professor Kettleburn's 'pets'." I shook the thin stick of wood in his face, and he flinched away from me, blinking rapidly. "And if you somehow make this her fault, there will be hell to pay for later. Do you understand?"

"Y-yes," he stuttered, his face gone a sickly puce color. I pulled my wand away from him, rubbed it on my skirt and tucked it in my pocket. "Oh, and detention," I told him sweetly. "For being out of bed out of hours." And with that, I walked away, my spirits feeling slightly more bouyant at the sight of his crushed spirits, glad to take my anger on myself and James out on someone else.

I pitied the next who angered me.

. . . . . . .

"I just don't understand. Why would he do that to me?"

Raye and I were sitting outside in the courtyard, taking advantage of one of the rare sunny days. Raye was sobbing unashamedly into my shirt, my arm around the girl's shaking shoulders. Fabian had held to his promise- because he was a decent person, or because he was terrified of me, I'd never know- and Raye hadn't taken the news well. I patted her hair sadly. "I'm so sorry, Raye."

"But why _her_?" Raye wailed, looking up at me with big, tear-filled eyes. "Of all the people, why her?"

"Probably because she's so close to you," I mused, not seeing Raye's confused look. "I don't know if dating you was just a ruse, to get near her."

That had been the wrong thing to say. She cried harder, and I attempted to backpedal. "But she would never do that!" I told her fervently. "I mean, well, she did, but she was probably drunk, and she was going through a rough time and all, but she's not someone who would steal their best friend's boyfriend!"  
There was a sniffle, and then silence. I looked down at Raye to see her eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "Who are you talking about?" She asked curiously.

"Aria." I watched the shock and horror fall into her face, and immediately knew I'd made a big mistake. "Wait, who were you talking about?"

"Aria?" She screeched, her tiny face darkening. "I was talking about that curly-haired Hufflepuff! He said they were just friends! But, Aria? He cheated on me with Aria?"  
I winced, mentally cursing myself. Why did I have to blurt out all of my friend's secrets in the past week? "Er. . ."

She seemed to take my inability to argue as an agreement. "I can't believe this," she growled, her tears frozen on her cheeks. "Aria! My best friend! Why would she do that to me?"  
"Raye, listen," I grabbed her by the shoulders. "Be furious at Fabian! It's his fault! He's the one that was cheating on you with Merlin knows how many girls! Don't take it all out on Aria!"

"Fabian?" She paused, her eyes dimming as she contemplated this. "You're right-I want to kill both of them." She actually got up from the bench, but I grabbed her arm and yanked her down. Why couldn't I keep my mouth shut? Now, not only was James going to hate me, but so was Aria and Raye. "Listen," I said urgently. "I know how you feel. I know you want to hurt someone- I've been there too. But Aria regrets it- you have no idea how sorry she is. It was when Sirius had ditched her, and she'd gone wild, remember?" Raye gave a tiny nod. "She's never done anything like that since. She would never."

I watched Raye crumpled, and then her eyes were filling with tears again. "So what's wrong with me?" she whispered, resting her head on my shoulder. "Was he really that unhappy with me? Did I do something wrong?"

"It's not your fault," I told her firmly, tilting my head so that it rested on top of hers. "Fabian's a sad excuse for a human being. You deserve someone who loves you and treats you with all the care in the world. Don't let yourself think that he's better than you for a second, all right?"

She gave a muffled sniffle that I took for assent. "But I'm still mad at Aria," she told me, wiping her tears away on her sleeve. "Don't ask me to not be, Lily. Imagine if-if you found out she was with James-"

"It's not like that," I growled, and then regretted it when she flinched away from me. "Just don't maim her, okay?" I asked, straightening up and grabbing my bag as the bell rang. "She's still our friend, and it wouldn't be fun to explain to the teachers what had happened." Raye gave a reluctant smile, and followed me back indoors. I had attempted to straighten one mess out. Now on to the next.\

. . . . . .

The library was quiet as I ducked inside after class. Low sunlight filtered in through the large windows, illuminating the precarious stacks of books and the single figure of a boy sitting at a table in the back. I walked past Madame Pince's desk, her angry gaze burning a hole in my back. I pulled out a chair and sat down at the table, staring at the boy across from me. Remus had been doing homework, it seemed, but he had fallen fast asleep, his neck bent at an awkward angle, his cheek pressed up against the open pages of his textbook, his eyelashes fluttering. I smiled at the picture- he looked so innocent and young- before remembering what I had to talk to him about and swallowing hard.

"Remus."

He jerked awake, his eyes blinking around wildly before settling on me, and he relaxed, his hand going up to push his tousled hair away from his eyes, and he yawned. "Lily?" He looked around at the textbooks, and rubbed his eyes blearily. "Merlin. I must be tireder than I thought." He smiled at me. "What's up?"

"Remus." I clasped my hands together and leaned forward over the table, dreading the conversation that would follow. "I know."

He paused momentarily, then frowned. "What do you know?"

"I know. . . you're a werewolf." I whispered anxiously, not so much about Remus's reaction to this news than to the next piece of information. Remus froze, his eyes darting between each one of mine with a desperate expression on his face. "You. . . know?"

"I know."

"God." He dropped his face into his hands and breathed in deeply. "You must hate me, right? I know I hate myself, sometimes. I'm a monster, a threat to normal society, I-I can understand if you don't want to talk to me again. I'm dangerous, after all-"

"Remus, will you just SHUT UP?"

It was probably the fact that I was yelling at him that caused Remus to sputter to a stop and stare at me with wide blue eyes. It seemed that I was telling a lot of people to shut up of recent. I dropped my voice, in case Pince had heard and was coming to investigate. "I don't give a damn who or what you become once a month. You're Remus. You're a kind, caring, intelligent, funny bloke who's a really good friend, and that can't be changed." He opened his mouth as though to protest, but I cut him off. "I think it'll be you that hates me after what I tell you."

He listened with trepidation, his forehead crinkled with confusion as I told him the story I'd already told James. "And then James exploded," I recalled, my throat going dry at the remembrance. "I think he would have eaten me, if he wasn't such a good person." I paused at that, thinking about what I'd said. Well, it was true, I decided. Merlin- me calling James a good person while he hated me- that was a turn around of events all right.

Remus was silent for a moment, then sighed. "I told you that you don't want to see James angry," he said, giving a faint smile. "I've only seen it once before in my life- and it was towards the Slytherins. I can't even imagine having all of that trained on me."

He smiled as I stared at him. "Why aren't you furious?" I demanded. Subtlety never was my strong point. "Shouldn't you be screaming at me? Why aren't you mad that the entire school will now know about your. . . problem?"

"Honestly, Lily, it's not like I didn't expect something like this to happen. I would have been stupid not to believe that the secret would stay for seven years." He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "I can't say that I'm not annoyed," he said honestly, shooting me a look. "It would have been so much easier to get through the next couple months without having to deal with everybody finding out."

I ducked my head, hiding the shame in my expression behind my red hair. "I don't blame you," Remus told me, and I looked up in shock. "You don't?"  
"No." He laughed at the look on my face. "Well. . . I guess I do. But I'm not mad at you, Lily. You didn't mean to do anything to hurt me. And in the long run, none of the people at the school are going to matter much anyone, so why should I care if they know?"

I dropped my face into my hands and tried not to cry. Why wasn't he mad? He should be furious! If I were him, I would have eaten me for food at the next moon by now! All this kindness was making me feel even worse about myself. Maybe that was his ulterior motive?

"And I'll try to talk some sense into James," Remus added, closing his open book and stretching his shoulders with a wince. "I'd recommend you do it, but. . ." he shuddered. "James mad is a bad, bad thing. I'd stay clear of him for a couple weeks, if I were you. And also. . . if James told Sirius. . . I'd stay out of his way, too. The wrath of Sirius Black is not a pretty thing." And with that, he got to his feet, smiled at me, and left the library, leaving me utterly confused.

. . . . . .

The wrath of Sirius Black, I soon found out, was not going to be inflicted upon me at all. I walked down to lunch, saw Sirius walking towards me in the hallway, and ran in the opposite direction to hide behind a suit of armor, trembling. Sirius was much more prone to getting angry than James was, and if James was _that _angry, I shuddered to think of what Sirius would do.

"Lily?"

A face poked out from the other side of the silver armor, silvery eyes staring at me curiously. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Erm. . ." I eyed up Sirius's expression carefully. He didn't look angry. He just looked bewildered, as though I had been doing something crazy. Then I looked around and realized that, as I had ran to hide behind something as I saw him, this could hardly be considered normal. "Just. . . er. . ."

"Do you want some help?" He asked, his voice gentle as though concerned about me. "Has all the stress hit you, at last?"

"Uh. . . no! No, don't worry about me!" I reached out and briefly patted the top of his head, then sprinted back down the hallway away from him. He shook his head, and continued walking, looking bemused.

Why hadn't James told him? I wondered as I walked into the Great Hall and took a seat sandwiched between Aria and Raye, looking down at my empty plate so that my eyes wouldn't be tempted to wander down to where James sat. Sirius was his best friend. If he was going to tell anyone, it would be him. And Sirius certainly wouldn't take that news in stride, I knew. Was he doing it out of lingering affection for me? Did he still love me?

I looked down the table quickly, and saw James, clenching his glass so tightly it looked like it might explode, the tendons in his arms standing out. Nope. There was no softness in _that _expression. He seemed to sense somebody watching him and turned his head, and his eyes connected with mine- overbright and hard as rocks. I averted my gaze, feeling a tiny tearing in my heart at the anger and mistrust. He pushed away from the table and got to his feet, striding away from the Great Hall as though I had insulted him. I watched him leave, a lump in my throat at the hard angle of his shoulders and back.

There was another scraping of the bench, and this time Remus got to his feet, leaving Sirius and Peter alone, and hurrying quickly after James. I watched them for a moment, then made a quick decision. "I'll be right back," I whispered to my friends, getting to my feet and grabbing my bag. "I. . . bathroom." I almost ran out of the hall to catch up with the two boys. For a heartstopping moment, they were out of sight, but then I saw Remus turn a corner and hurried after him. I halted. They were in a dead-end corridor, and they would certainly pass me on the way out, unless I hid myself. I looked around wildly.

"James, I have to talk to you."

James turned, and I ducked behind a large curtain, straining my ears and making sure that no part of me was showing, but that there was still a crack between the red-and-gold tapestry and the stone wall for me to peer out behind, my heart thumping. "What do you want?"

"Lily talked to me."

"And?" James folded his arms, his hair adorably rumpled, a scowl on his face. "What did she tell you?"

"She told me everything." He looked at James speculatively. "I know why you're so upset, Prongs, but it's my business, not yours. You had no right to explode on her like that."

"No right?" He laughed, and I was glad to see that he was restraining from losing his temper with Remus. "You're one of my best mates, and she just told the secret we've been trying to keep for years-"

"What about fifth year? With Sirius?" I had no idea what they were talking about, but from the way James tensed, it must have been important. "Sirius practically showed Snape, James!"

"And, in case you forgot, I was furious at him as well. But Snape didn't connect the pieces! He only knew that there was a werewolf in the Shrieking Shack, not who it was. But now Lily had to go and tell him."

"She didn't _mean_ to." Thank Merlin for Remus, the savior of my fate. "Have you seen her, lately, James? She's miserable. I don't think she's ever felt as bad about anything as she does about this."

"I don't care how she feels, because that can't change anything." The words were like a rusty knife stab through my chest.

"You can't honestly say that," Remus gave a slight laugh. "What, you don't care about her anymore? You stopped loving her? You've been obsessed with her since third year, despite all your attempts to forget."

"I'm trying," he said shortly, running his hands agitatedly through his hair. "And it's working. I don't want to care for somebody who is capable of betraying me and my best mates. I could probably forgive her, for what she did to you, but it's the fact that she might do it again, to anyone, that stops me."

It was worse, hearing him talk about me like this when he thought I wasn't around to hear it. I wondered what he said about me with Sirius, his best mate, to whom he probably told everything. Remus snorted at his words,

"So, you're just going to ignore her for the rest of the year?"

James looked a bit sheepish. "When you put it like that, it sounds stupid. But what can I do, Moony? Every time I see her, I want to cry like a girl, or punch something. Because she hurt me, and she hurt you, and I just want to forget her." He sighed, and leaned back against the stone wall, his back hunched over. "I never realized that she was capable of doing something so-"

"You know what your problem is?" Remus sounded coldly angry now. "You've worshipped Lily for the past four years. You put her up on a marble altar, like an immortal. And you just can't accept that she's human, and is capable of making a mistake. You want her to stay on that altar forever."

James glared at Remus for a moment, his eyes murderous. He seemed to have nothing to say, though, and stalked away angrily. Remus sighed, and, in a very James-like movement, rumpled up his hair. "You can come out now, Lily," he said stiffly, turning his back on me and beginning to walk away. I jumped, not aware that he had noticed me. "I tried, anyway."


	26. Chapter 26

**AUTHOR'S NOTE- God, you guys, I'm so sorry. I'm graduating this Tuesday, and the amount of work they're having us finish is intolerable. I had a massive presentation a few days ago, so that's all I've been able to think about. And for some reason, this chapter was harder to write than any of the others. :P I promise I'll have the next one up MUCH sooner!**

Chapter 26

Another student was dead.

Her name was Rachel- she was a fifth year- small, shy, plain, and muggle-born. She had left school on the weekend to visit her mother and new baby brother in the hospital, and she'd never come back. Rumors had it that Death Eaters had cornered her in an alleyway, did several unspeakable things, and left her body. Bleeding, on the cobblestoned streets. The school was unusually quiet. Even the teachers seemed to be more subdued than usual. A small table went up in the Great Hall, with a photograph of the girl, and another of Nate, with white roses and lit candles. Rachel's friends and boyfriend had had to be slipped shock potions to stop the hysterics.

All it made me do was think about Nate and my mother more than usual. This was a war now. How many more people were going to be killed before it was stopped?

Nate's dormitory room was being cleared out of all his belongings that afternoon. The teachers were going to shrink everything into his rucksack and send it home to his father, who could decide what to do with it. It seemed that a month and some was enough time for everybody to get over the death.

Not enough for me.

I went up to the boy's dormitories during lunch break, and found Nate's friends all in the room- napping, talking, or else finishing some last minute homework. They all looked away when I entered- it seemed that the girlfriend of the dead boy coming to collect his things was too macabre for them.

His bed was still unmade, the sheets in a puddle at the foot, as though nobody could bear to touch it. His belongings were strewn over his bedside table and his trunk was overflowing. I smiled, feeling a bit teary. He was such a slob- but I loved him for it. I sat on the bed, the springs creaking, and could smell him on the pillows. I swallowed, and looked at the bedside table. There was a tiny picture propped against the lamp- a picture of myself, that had been taken without my knowledge. I was turned to the side, my eyes wide and questioning, a smile playing around my mouth. Not a very good photo, but still. I bit my lip hard and put it back. There was rubbish covering the wood- crumpled up paper, broken quills and ink splotches. I shoved it aside, looking for something. A small bottle of aftershave. I examined it, and put it to my nose. It smelled like him. The memories of cold winter days, a warm embrace, and easy laughter came rushing back. I pocketed it and looked around. His notebook was laying forgotten by his trunk. I flipped through it, covered with his messy scrawl. Tucking it under my arm, I nodded good-bye to Sean and the others, and started down the stairs.

He might be gone, but the memories would be forever painful.

. . . .

"Lily."

I looked up from the massive stack of papers I was trying to plow through- cram in a bit of last minute homework before lunch- and saw a very pale Aria, a letter in her hand. "What's wrong?" I asked, shoving my textbooks off the chair across from me. She sat, and fingered the paper absently as she spoke. "It's from my parents," she said, referring to the letter. "They want me to go to the Wizengamot with them to find out who's going to have custody over me."

"Oh, Ari." I reached out to take her hand and squeezed it comfortingly. "I'm so sorry."

"It's no big deal." she looked up from the paper and gave me a tentative smile, then sighed. "You'd think I'd be used to it by now," she said wryly. "They've been fighting since I was in primary school. I'd have to sleep with headphones and music to blast out their shouting. But. . . to have this happen, just makes it seem. . . real, all of a sudden."

"I know what you mean." I thought of Nate's funeral, and fought back a shiver. "Do you want me to go with you, if that'd make it easier?"

"No. But thanks, Lily." She crumpled the paper in her hand and, turning, lobbed it into the fire. "I'm over this already," she said vehemently. "I just want to graduate and move out of this school and never think about them or Sirius ever again. I want to be happy!"

"I know." _Don't I know,_ I thought, picturing James, and it was like lead in my stomach. Although Remus- that wonderful, wonderful boy- had continued to argue with James, he had paid no more attention to me than if I were a boring painting on a wall. He hadn't spoken to me, or even been in the same vicinity as me, since my mistake, and I missed him. We had really become friends, and because of my stupid big mouth, I'd probably lost him forever. And now I could really appreciate him, especially how incredibly kind and patient he had been towards me. He was probably the best person I'd ever know.

"Lily?"

It took me a while to realize that Aria was talking to me. I shook my head to focus it, and saw that she had gotten to her feet and was waiting impatiently. "Did you say something?"

She was watching me oddly, but smiled. "I was wondering if you wanted to go down to lunch."

"Oh. Right. Of course."

. . . . .

Sirius had a new girlfriend. Her name was Lauren- she was a Hufflepuff sixth year, but looked much older than that. She had long honey-colored hair, a heart-shaped face, huge brown eyes and a the personality of a thorn dipped in poison. She draped herself around him like a vine, following him like a little puppy. I'd bet five dollars to Olivia that by the end of the week she'd be gone. We had Astronomy together with the Hufflepuffs, and I'd noticed her watching Aria the entire time, like a hawk watches a snake in the grass. As the class was dismissed, and everybody filed out of the room, down the marble staircase, and into the Great Hall, I could sense that there would be trouble. Sure enough, Lauren followed us, her friends trailing along behind her. I put my hand on Aria's arm and tried to steer her off, away from the girl, but no luck.

"Hey, Jones!"

Aria turned, even though my nails dug into her flesh, warning her not to. "What, Montgomery?"

Lauren smirked, folding her arms over her chest and shaking out her hair as though she was showing off how pretty she was. She glanced around- at the sizable number of girls clustered around her- and seemed pleased with her audience. She leaned forward, as though divulging a great secret. "I just wanted to thank you," she said with a sickly sweet smile. "I heard you went out with Sirius a while back- and he said that's how he learned to-" and she said something that caused me to shudder and Aria to turn pale.

"What's wrong, Jones?" She took a step forward, her high heels clicking on the stone floor. "I'm sorry- did I offend you?" her eyebrows contracted over her thin nose in a realistic look of sympathy. "Are you not over Sirius, then? Are you still in love with him?"

Aria's cheeks had gone a pink color, but she still looked pale. "Shut up, Lauren."

"Oh, did I get the truth?" Lauren smiled as her friends snickered. "You really do love him, even though he's sleeping with me? Even though he hasn't looked at you twice since he dumped you like the worthless girl you are?"

And then, I wasn't sure how it had happened, both girls were fighting, kicking, punching and slapping each other, and the people who had been oblivious to what was going on had stopped in shock to watch. There were catcalls, jeers and laughter from the observers who had formed a ring around to watch them. I felt sick to my stomach. This wasn't funny, or entertaining- it was horrible. I turned away as Aria punched the other girl in the face, and her blond head jerked back.

A loud whistle sounded around the Great Hall, and then McGonagall was there, waving her wand to force both girls apart, and began to yell. The onlookers began to trickle away in fear of being told off. Finally, McGonagall gave them one last outraged glance and swept off, tucking her wand back into her pocket. Aria looked pale and drawn, and then James was there, looking concerned, touching his wand to her split lip and healing it with a spell. She put her arms around him, and her shoulders shook as she cried into his shoulder. He looked uncomfortable, his arms going up to rest awkwardly on her back, and I was suddenly struck with the uncontrollable urge to rip her away from him. His eyes came up to meet mine, and I could feel heat rising to my cheeks, but they were unfocused and hollow, and I knew he wasn't seeing me.

Sirius was talking with Lauren- his dark head bent towards hers, expression unreasonable. She didn't look happy, and was spitting something up at him. He looked away and rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. She pushed at his chest, her hair knotted, her robes askew, and stormed off, her friends in tow. He rubbed the spot she'd pushed, and then, catching my eyes, came towards me.

"Lovely girl you've got," I told him, as he joined me to watch James attempt to comfort Aria. "A real keeper."

He pushed my shoulder, and gave a dry chuckle. "Not anymore. I don't know why I seem to attract the craziest ones."

I gave him a look, and he seemed offended. "What, you think I'm crazy?" I didn't answer, and we fell into silence as Aria pulled away from James, dried her face on her sleeve and allowed him to lead her in the direction of the Hospital Wing- probably to heal all the scratches Lauren had caused all over her arms.

"She's wrong, you know." Sirius said suddenly, and I looked over at him in surprise. "Lauren," he clarified, glancing at me and stuffing his hands in his pockets. "I haven't been able to stop thinking about Aria, since she left me."

He looked sadder than I could ever recall. I leaned my shoulder against his, and he rested his head on top of mine, as we both though about all we'd lost.

We were given assigned tables in Transfiguration, for a month-long project we would have to do about human transfiguration, and I was paired with James Potter.

_Great_, I thought to myself. Any other week I would have been thrilled- it was a hell of a lot better than being partnered with Lauren Montgomery, anyway- but now I'd like nothing more than to crawl under the table. I took my seat, barely balancing on the edge of the chair, poised to run, as the other two Ravenclaws working with us, joined the table. The only seat available for James was right next to me. I swung my hair over my face, as much to protect myself from his anger as to hide my blush. I could feel butterflies in my stomach- or maybe elephants stampeding- and my heart pounded double-time.

He didn't look at me once.

. . . . . .

"Lily, can I borrow your skirt?"

I blinked and looked up from the book I was reading. It was nightfall, and I had already taken my shower- my hair wet and citrus-smelling against my warm cheek. Raye was hovering at the side of my bed, her hair loose around her shoulders, wearing a white tank top, a pair of pants, and nothing else. I blinked again.

"You have one."

"Not the uniform." She rolled her eyes at me. "Your red one."

"Er. . . yeah, of course. I think it's at the bottom of my trunk." She nodded, and I watched her rummage through it and pull out the rumpled skirt. She flicked her wand at the wrinkled fabric, smoothing it instantly, and pulled it on over her legs. I watched her, brow furrowed. "If you don't mind me asking. . . where are you going?"

"Nowhere."

"Raye, you're not going on a . . . date?"  
"Of course not!" She sounded taken aback. "I'm going to study."

"Study? Then why do you need a skirt?"

She was blushing.

"Who are you studying with?"

She folded her arms over her chest, looking reluctant, but finally said, under her breath, "Remus."

"Remus? That's great!" I smiled at her. "So, is this a 'study date' or a _study date_." I waggled my eyebrows at her suggestively, and she stuck her tongue out at me. "We're studying," she said firmly. "I needed help with my Arithmancy homework, and he's the only one I know in that class." She buttoned the front of the skirt, and shot a look at me. "Any more questions, Lily?"

"No." It was good to see her animated again. "Have fun! But not too much. . ." She rolled her eyes at me, and left the room, pulling the door shut behind me and leaving me quite alone. I sighed and folded the corner down on the page I was reading, shutting the book and placing it carefully on my bedside table. It was nice, trying to mess around in Raye's love life, because Aria's was in shambles, and mine was virtually nonexistent. I reached over to turn off the light, and caught sight of the bottle of Nate's aftershave that I'd propped up on the table. I swallowed and picked it up, uncapped it, and, after hesitating for a few minutes, squirted it onto my pillow, before putting it back. I clicked the lamp off and lay down, burying my face in the fabric. It smelled of happiness. I closed my eyes in the darkness, and wondered if I'd dream of Nate.

It didn't take long for me to drift off.

_ She's in a meadow, surrounded by a ring of trees on either side. To the left, the pointed roof of a cottage pokes through the green foliage. Brilliant crimson flowers adorn the lush grass, turning their faces towards the bright sunlight. The meadow is filled with families- children chasing each other, parents smiling affectionately, and leaning against each other. The shrieks and happy laughter echoing after them is like music._

_ "Lily."_

_ She turns, blinking as the sun shines bright in her eyes. A man is lounging next to her, his black hair dreadfully rumpled. He's holding a baby in his arms, and it squirms and reaches a tiny hand for her when it catches her eye._

_ "Can you take him?" The man asks with a pained expression as the child begins to scream, his little red face puckered with anguish. Lily nods, stretches her hands out, and the baby is warm and fragile, and utterly right in her arms. Immediately, the tears stop. She plants a kiss on his delicate head- he smells sweet and innocent. The man looks unhappy. "He loves you more," he accuses, with a teasing note in his voice._

_ She smiles as the baby nestles into her chest, hair tickling her skin, and shields her eyes against the sun with her hand as she gazes at him. "I love you." She reaches out the hand and brushes her fingers gently over his collarbone, trying to convey the soft, unspoken things with one simple touch.  
_

_ "I know." He smiles as well, as though he's won some lottery prize. He leans forward to kiss her cheek, his unshaven jaw scraping against her skin and she turns her head so that their lips meet. The baby, indignant over this change in his position, gives an irritable squawk. His eyes open, and she looks down into them. Vivid green, below a shock of black hair. She suddenly feels faint._

_ And then a flash of green light reverberates around the meadow, and the silence is rent apart into nothingness._

I sat bolt upright, heart pounding through my thin nightgown, a sheen of sweat on my forehead. The dormitory was silent and dark as a nightmare. The only sounds were the deep, steady breathing of my roommates. I let my breath out in a shaky whoosh, and leaned back against my pillow, listening to my heartbeat slow and even out, and closed my eyes.

What had that dream meant? Unless I was mistaken, the man had been James Potter- probably four or fives years older. And the baby had looked exactly like him, with his black hair and tiny features. I smiled at the remembrance. And the green eyes- so much like mine. But why would I ever have a child with James Potter? We had interacted like my parents had- a married couple in love. He had even looked at me with the same softness and affection in his eyes that my father had when he talked with my mother.

So that was it, then. Finally, I could understand why I'd been acting so strangely- why I wanted to throttle any girl who came close to James-even my best friend, why I got a fluttering of butterflies whenever I saw him; why I had the inexplicable urge to throw my arms around him and beg for mercy.

I, Lily Evans, fancied _James Potter_.

_Perfect. _

**GUESS WHAT?**

**My birthday's tomorrow!  
**

**So for a birthday present, please review?**

**I know you want to. . .  
**


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N- Thank you SO MUCH to all the people who messaged me, telling me they love my story and want me to continue. I'm sorry I haven't written anything lately, but I'll try to finish this as soon as I can. Love you all!  
**

Chapter 27

April came blustering in with sweeping winds and sheets of heavy rain. The grass turned green and lush, and flowers bloomed from their dry slumber, turning their faces towards the rain. The sky was a constant, dull shade of gray. The weather was gradually warming, and we were able to venture outside to the greenhouses without our usual wraps (although bundled up under a raincoat.) It was like a breath of freedom.

And I was utterly miserable, because of James Potter. It was just my luck. James had been devoted to me for the past four years, and I had barely so much as looked at him. And now, when there was no way he could ever forgive me, I'd realized that maybe- just maybe- I liked him back. If I'd had this revelation a week earlier, we could have been together. The idea sent my nerves fluttering like they'd been invaded by a herd of moths. I remembered that kiss, under the mistletoe. _Merlin. _If being with James would feel like that, then I'd be perfectly content for the rest of my life.

But did I honestly fancy him? Or was my recent revelation just an indication of how attracted I might be to him- how I would be willing to be together with him, if I could.

And then there was Nate. Losing him was like chopping off one of my own fingers- at the start, the pain was intense and unbearable and impossible to live without. But after a few months or so, you got accustomed to the pain, and though you could still function quite normally without that finger, its loss would haunt you forever. But the thing was, I couldn't let Nate haunt me forever. I had loved him, yes, but I couldn't allow that to drive me to despair. He would have wanted me to be happy. I deserved to be happy! I needed someone who would be there for me and love me, not memories of who might have. The only problem was that at the moment, I had neither.

But I supposed it didn't matter. I didn't need a man to be happy with myself. I had friends who loved me, a dad who supported me, and I succeeded in my schoolwork. Just because I had missed out on James Potter, didn't mean my life was over.

I sighed, and jammed my face against a telescope so hard that it stabbed my eyeball. I was currently in Astronomy class, and we were outside under the blue-black night sky. The night was chilly, and we were all huddled under cloaks and scarves and blankets, moving as minimally as we could to conserve energy. The stars were bright, and they stood out against the swirls of dark clouds. Professor Sinistra had assigned us to completing a chart about constellation growth and decay. I peered up at the sky and tried to make out the shape of the constellation I was looking at. It was no good. I was rubbish at stargazing.

I leaned back and instead looked up at the night sky without the obstruction of the telescope. It wasn't often that I got a chance to be by myself and enjoy what was around me- even though I was supposed to be doing my schoolwork.

I looked away from the stars, and around the class. Funnily enough, my eyes drifted slowly over to James, and I had to inhale a short breath at the sight. The half-moon was directly above him, and the silvery light cast a halo around his black hair, illuminating the strands. A splash of moonlight fell across his face, making the chiseled features stand out sharper. His head was tipped back as he looked through the telescope, and the muscles in his throat were defined. I felt a stab of longing, and then an overwhelming surge of loneliness. He was too gorgeous, too nice and strong and funny and _forgiving _to be mine.

Because the truth was, I had been incredibly selfish. Keeping James as close to me as possible, leading him on, but refusing to give him any satisfaction. Expecting him to comfort me when Nate died, but not comforting him. I hadn't cared about his feelings, just pushed and pushed and pushed him away and acted as though mine were the only ones who mattered. And the most painful thing, was that I hadn't meant it. I would have been able to forgive myself., if it had been on purpose, and to somebody that deserved it. But James deserved to be loved, and I hadn't known how much I would hurt him.

More than anything, I wished I could reverse time, and give him back the love and attention that he needed.

Classes stopped for the Easter Holidays, and we stole the free hours to sit by the lake, dipping our feet in the icy-cold water, throwing scraps of sandwich to the Giant Squid and soaking up as much sunlight as was possible. It was easy to study with grass under my feet and birds twittering around my head, but it was hard to concentrate. I couldn't get James out of my mind, and every time I thought of him my stomach churned from shame. It was simple to ease the pain with thoughts of, 'if only. . .', or 'I could have. . .', but it didn't mean anything, in the end.

I had to start making it up to James.

. . . . . . . .

The Death Eaters were growing stronger.

Every day, more news of death, attacks, destruction. Parents of students murdered, or else joining Voldemort. Every day, we heard that they were coming closer and closer to Hogwarts, leaving destruction and grief in their wakes. They were coming closer to me, in particular, and to all my loved ones, and I had already lost Nate. I couldn't let them near James, near Aria, Raye, Remus, Sirius, Olivia, Sara.

My dad sent me a letter, around Easter. He was moving away from our home in Northern England to a small flat in Ireland, where his parents were from. He had sold all our furniture, clothes, possessions that had belonged to my mum. "I want to forget her," he wrote in his letter. "I can't live without her anymore."

And so, even though he wrote that he was fine, I was preparing myself to lose my other parent, too.

. . . . . . . .

I got to lunch early on Tuesday- that way I could finish eating a sandwich before anyone I knew could enter the Great Hall- anyone like James, or Snape. Aria and Olivia were in Transfiguration together, Sara in Herbology, and Raye should have been out of her classes, but was nowhere to be seen. I slumped my elbow on the table and propped my chin up on my fist.

Out the window, I saw two figures walking together. The girl was holding her hair back as it blew around her face, and the boy was laughing. She shoved him away, and in the process, the wind picked her hat off her head and swept it around the courtyard. She shrieked, as the boy ran after it, and placed it tenderly back on her head. I watched and smiled. Whoever they were, they were sweet together. If only I could have that. I looked back down at my plate and pushed it away, uneaten. When I looked back out the window, they were gone.

The door to the entrance hall opened as I was walking past, and in came Remus and Raye, their cheeks pink with the cold, smiles on their faces. Raye's hat was barely hanging onto her black hair, which she pushed out of her face with her red hands.

"Hi, Lily," she said breathlessly, and I noticed that they weren't touching in any way, not even holding hands. If it weren't for the way Remus was looking at her, I wouldn't have thought they felt anything for each other at all. "Hi," I said brightly, looking from one to the other. "So. Are you two going out?"

Remus's face turned bright purple, and Raye's paler than a ghost. They both rapidly shook their heads and avoided looking at each other. "No," Remus said awkwardly, and they shuffled away from each other almost imperceptibly. "Not at all. What made you think that?"

"Oh. . . nothing," I said innocently. "Right. Well. See you later!" And I turned on my heel and walking away, leaving them staring at my back. I wondered if that's how James and I looked, a few months ago. If it was, then I could understand why people thought we were dating.

It was divination next, and as I took my seat, I braced myself for another hour and a half of eminent boredom. From out the window, the sun was setting, a blood red orb dropping under the lake water. I turned away from the spectacle. James had been sitting next to me for the past month or so, because it was the only available seat in the room, but we hadn't talked. Ever.

Which is why, as the chair next to me scraped against the floor as James dragged it out, I didn't look up, instead continued tracing my finger over the indentations in the desk. There was a horribly cold feeling in the bottom of my stomach.

"Lily."

I looked up in shock, and my quill fell out of my suddenly trembling hand. James was looking at me, his jaw tensed, eyes cold, but still, he was _looking _at me. "Hi," I said breathlessly -stupidly- and parted my lips in a smile. Just to have him looking at me was like unleashing a thousand stampeding horses inside my heart. How had I not noticed that I fancied him before this?

"Are. . . are you still furious with me?" I asked cautiously.

He sat down at the seat beside me and began unpacking his bag with slow, careful deliberation. Finally, he turned towards me. "Dumbledore talked to Snape," he said curtly, his eyes firmly fixed on his notebook. "He's not going to tell anyone." I breathed out, a sigh of relief, and the nervous, jittery apprehension that I'd seemed to carry around for the past couple of days drifted away like clouds on a breeze. "Oh, thank God." I peered from the corner of my eyes at him. He looked as stony as ever. "I'm really sorry, you know," I said softly, reaching out to touch his arm, but he slid it slightly away. "And I'd do anything for you to forgive me."

He turned and looked at me- really looked at me, as though he could see past all the facade and the frivolity, and into the depths of my soul. He quirked his mouth. "Prove that I can trust you, then."

. . . . . . . .

I was happy.

No, I was ecstatic. More than ecstatic. Overjoyed. Thrilled. James had talked to me. James had looked at me. I wasn't in trouble, because Snape wouldn't tell anybody, and Remus had forgiven me, and it was only a matter of time before James did, too. And, on top of all of that, there was a Hogsmeade trip this weekend. I decided to go, even though the thought made me cringe. Nate died on the last one. Who knew what could happen this time?

Hogsmeade was lovely in the spring. The grass was green, and flowers were exploding out of window boxes faster than if they were charmed. The sky was a beautiful deep blue, and the air was warmer than necessary. Aria and I decided to walk around the town together- Raye and Remus were meeting each other in a non-date, and Olivia and her boyfriend were going to the Three Broomsticks.

It was much too nice a day to stay inside, so we spent the time window-shopping, admiring the sweets in Honeydukes, pointing out clothing we liked as we strolled up the streets. Aria was cheerful and bubbly, and chattered away as I swung my shopping bag in the air and listened to her, without really hearing.

"Lily," Aria said, her chatter pausing as she looked shiftily at me. "I have to ask you something."

"What?"

"I made plans to meet up with. . . someone, today. In, er, fifteen minutes. So. . ."

I raised my eyebrows at her. "Who is it?"

She scuffed her toe in the dirt. "Kingsley. . . Kingsley Shacklebolt. You know him?"

"That tall, black bloke in our year?" She nodded. "Oh! I like him, I think. He's nice."

"I know. He. . . asked me out, last week. I thought I might go. He told me he's fancied me all year."

"That's sweet." I poked her arm. "Do you like him?"

"No," she said too firmly. I grinned. "Right. Well, you have permission to go, then. So long as you enjoy yourself."

"I will." She smiled. "I'll see you back at the castle, all right?" I nod. "Have fun, Air." She turned and waved as she walked down the street and towards a tiny coffee shop. I sighed as I watched her disappear, then looked around the street. It was empty, apart from the sounds of laughter and talking.

What was I supposed to do for the next hour and a half? I started up the street, near the Three Broomsticks- maybe I could meet up with Raye- before I heard footsteps behind me. Thinking of Aria- maybe she'd left her purse with me, or something, I paused and turned my head to the side.

"Hello again, Mudblood," came a sneering voice, from a familiar, tangle-haired woman. And then a wand was shoved into my back, a hand clapped over my mouth, and I crumpled to the ground, unconscious.

. . . . . . .

I woke to a sharp pain in my head, and a hard, flat ground beneath me. I opened my eyes as wide as they could go, blinking rapidly until the darkness faded away. I was in some kind of a cell, and blue light was filtering in through a tiny window, casting light around the room. I struggled awkwardly until I sat up. My wrists and ankles were bound together, and a gag was tied around my mouth. It seemed like a crude way to silence me.

I looked around the room, which was filled with people, mainly children younger than me, all bound like me. A few met my eyes, looking wide and scared, and I recognized them as students from my school. Some were still unconscious, slumped against the floor. There were some whose eyes seemed unfocused, and were gaunt and thin, and it was clear that they had been there for a much longer time than I had.

I looked to my left, and had to do a double-take. There was James Potter, his head pressed back against the wall. He didn't have a gag or any rope binding him. I stared at him, willing him to look my way, and then his head snapped up and he met my eyes, as though he had heard me.

"Lily," he hissed, looking around carefully before crawling towards me. I crinkled my eyebrows at him, as he reached up and gently unknotted my gag. I gasped for breath, as he slid it down my neck, and shivered, though it had more to do with the way his hands slipped and accidentally brushed my throat.

"What are you doing here?" I whispered, as he turned his attentions to my wrists. "You're a pureblood! Why the hell did they take you?"

He gave a wry smile, briefly looking up into my eyes. He was so close that I could feel his hair brush against my cheek. My breath caught in my chest. "I'm a blood traitor, Lily," he said. "My family turned down the Death Eaters, when they came to call. It's not like they're in love with me."

I looked away, as he gave a little huff of triumph and slid the rope over my wrists. I rubbed them together, wincing. "Thanks."

"No problem."

It was nice to know that, in this predicament, everything that I had done before seemed not to matter. It was stupid, in comparison. Here we were, tied up by Death Eaters, about to be killed, and it was impossible to worry about whether I told Snape that Remus was a werewolf.

"Do you know where we are?" I asked, as he leaned back to sit next to me. "I mean, it's the Death Eaters, right?"

"Right." He sighed and pushed his hands through his hair, leaving it to stick up in the front. It didn't annoy me so much as it had before, though. "I don't know. They knocked me out, but they didn't want to tie me up. I heard them arguing about it. Apparently, since my dad has such an important ministry position, they don't want to take the risks. They took me for bribery. To recruit my parents. Damn it!" He slammed his fist into the ground, shocking me, his voice rising above the quiet whispers. I put my hand on his arm, and it seemed to calm him. "Sorry. It's just. . . I thought I would have a life, you know? Grow up, get a job, have kids. . . I thought I would at least graduate Hogwarts. But there's no chance now. They're just going to kill us."

"James." I poked his side, and he was as stiff and unmoving as an iceberg. I leaned against his shoulder. "Don't think like that. Dumbledore must know by now. And he's the only one Voldemort was ever afraid of, right?"

He shuddered so much that I was thrown off his shoulder, but just grunted.

"I'm scared," I admitted after a brief silence, wrapping my arms around my knees and turning my head so that I was looking at James. "I'm scared that that's exactly what they're going to do."

He turned his head, too, and looked at me before sighing. "I know," he said, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me closer to him, but it was obligatory, rather than something he wanted to do. He ran his hand up and down my arm, comforting, as he looked carefully around the room.

And even though I was in a dungeon, my ankles still bound together, children huddled, their eyes lifeless and bodies thin, I couldn't help but feel that, even if I'd rather be anywhere in the world but here, at least I was here with James.

. . . . . . . . . .


	28. Chapter 28

**Author's Note: **

**ARE YOU PROUD OF ME?  
**

**I'm so proud of myself! I updated within the week! That's unheard of! And it's all because of you! You've inspired me to keep it up. So, I'm making a slightly underhanded deal- if you want me to update ASAP, all you have to do is review! PLEASE!**

Chapter 28

Hours bled into days. Days into weeks. I wasn't sure just how much time had passed by since I was taken- a month? A week? Two days? The light didn't change, and there certainly was no clock on the wall. The room was cold, even though it was spring, and was infested with rats that scurried underfoot, water dripping from the ceiling, and pale green moss coating the stones.

Why was I taken?

That was an easy question. It was the same reason Nate was killed, the same reason my mum was murdered in an alleyway. Because I was there. Because there was a war going on. Because they were rounding up Muggleborns and getting paid for releases. Because they were weeding out the lowest in society, and that's what I was considered.

There was a girl, about a second year in Hogwarts, whom I'd never talked to before. She was tiny, with dark bangs that covered her big blue eyes. Her parents were dentists. They couldn't afford the price the Death Eaters were asking for their daughter back, so they mortgaged their house, sold their furniture. But when they sent the money, the Death Eaters decided that it would just be easier to kill the girl, and keep the money. And now it was just one more person gone.

And I could be next. Or, even worse, James. And I couldn't bear to lose him. That would be like losing a part of myself, in a way. So all I could do was keep him as close to me as was possible.

"Lily."

I was sleeping, curled up on the hard cement ground. I opened my eye suspiciously. There was a dark figure bending over me, holding something, and for a moment I panicked, curling myself up defensively and raising my hands over my head for protection, but then the moonlight shifted, and I realized it was only James.

"Relax," he said, and sat down next to me. There was a slight scuffle of cloth, and then something was pushed in front of me. "They brought us food."

I hummed noncommittally and poked at the stale bread and moldy cheese. "Here," James said, and took the cheese to peel the mold off of it. He placed it by the top of my head, and frowned when I ignored it. "You have to eat, Lily," he said, pushing the bread towards me. "Otherwise, when they come to rescue us, you won't be able to leave, you'll be so thin."

"Who's they?" My mouth was dry from days of not-talking. I cleared my throat and swallowed for moisture.

"Dumbledore," James said, as though it was obvious. "McGonagall. Older people."

"McGonagall?" My disbelieved voice echoed in the dungeon. James grinned. "Okay. Maybe not McGonagall."

"Can you picture her dueling Voldemort?" We both laughed at the image, but then my smile faded away. "They're not going to save us, James. They don't know where we are. They don't care."

"Lily."

"And it's Voldemort, after all! He's not a bloody kitten! He's got dark magic, and Dumbledore can't possibly deal with-"

"Lily!" I stopped short at his tone, and unintentionally flinched away- that was how he sounded when we argued before. "Weren't you the one telling me that we'd be all right? On the first night we got here? You said that, if we can't hope, we have nothing."

I screwed up my face in order to stop the sudden stinging in my throat and felt grateful that there was no light for him to see me. "But I can't just hope blindly, and think that Dumbledore's going to come bursting through the door!"

"But he might," James said gently, and there was a light pressure on my fingertips as he scooted closer to me. "That's the thing. We don't know. And if we think we're going to die, then we might as well just give ourselves over to You-Know-Who now."

I sighed and turned over towards him, shivering. "Thanks," I said, reaching around in the dark until I found his hand, and grabbed it and pressed it tightly between my fingers. He turned towards me, and the moonlight glinted off his spectacle lenses and his white teeth. There was a kind of hunger in my stomach, a craving to sit up and throw my arms around him and kiss him into oblivion. But I wouldn't know how he'd react, and it wasn't the right time, so I just squeezed his hand again and tilted my body towards him and closed my eyes so that I could dream about him, in a place where we were free.

. . . . . . . . .

I drifted in and out of sleep. Dreams were dark and tinted with blood, and I ran and ran towards a tiny square of light, but it never got any bigger. It was hard to distinguish night from day, and when I wasn't sleeping, I leaned against the wall next to James. We sat in silence, staring around at the stones and the other children who were comforting each other, but more often we talked, about light things like colors and memories, because if it was too serious, then I'd always be trapped.

"I really am sorry," I told James, one evening when we were lying on the ground, facing each other. My arm was pillowed under my head in an attempt for comfort, but it was too bony to amount to much. He turned his head to look at me and frowned. "About what?"

"About what?" I echoed in disbelief. "About Remus! About telling. . . I feel awful about it, James. That feeling in your stomach, when you do something wrong? Or forget homework? Well, I have that, only about times a hundred. Every day."

He smiled, and that was odd in itself. "Lily. _I'm _sorry that I overreacted. Remus could handle the school knowing. And anyway, nobody knows, but Snape. And you. Look. . . " his eyelids fluttered shut before opening and staring straight into mine. I lost all ability to think rationally. "You didn't deserve that. It was stupid. And it doesn't matter here, either. Nothing matters here."

"Nothing?" I didn't even know what I was saying anymore, because his eyes had the kind of quality a hypnotist would long to have. I was growing lightheaded.

He reached out, and touched the tips of my hair where it curled like red flames on the stone floor. There was a curious expression on his face- serious and fiercely aching. "Well, maybe not nothing," he corrected himself, before closing his eyes and shifting on to his back. "Good night, Lily."

"Night." I shut my eyes too, but it took a long time to fall asleep.

. . . . . . . .

There were fourteen other children in the dungeon. Fourteen other children whose parents didn't know where they were, who were mentally preparing themselves to die. The youngest was a five year old, a tiny girl with blond pigtails and eyes so big that she constantly looked frightened. The oldest was probably James and I, and the rest were between us. About half of them were Muggles, and had no idea what was going on.

There was always somebody being tortured. When the dungeon was silent, we could hear screaming, pleading and crying that sent shivers creeping up my spine. James and I would huddle together, not talking, barely blinking, with his arm around my shoulders and mine tight around his waist, and I'd squeeze my eyes shut and press my head into his chest and try not to hear, because I -or even worse, James- could be next.

We were fed, twice a food was scarce and disgusting- cold gruel and overcooked chicken, and I could practically feel the normal, healthy weight I had been slipping away from me, until I could begin to see my bones clearly as I looked down at myself. The Death Eaters only came into the dungeon when they brought food, and that's when they decided who was going to "go upstairs" for the day. The Hogwarts students were tortured for information of Dumbledore, and the Muggles were tortured for fun. They were returned to the dungeons, beaten, bloodied and broken down at night, or occasionally not at all.

Without James, I would be dead. There was no question about it, and it was probably because he hid me behind his body whenever the Death Eaters came in, jeering and kicking the children who were too close. And nobody wanted to torture a girl who looked like death itself. They wanted to break spirits and strengths, not kill. And it was only James's warmth and comfort when I woke, shaking with nightmares, that kept me calm.

You could go insane in a place like this.

. . . . . .

Hogwarts was my dream.

When I was tired, terrified, and James was too deeply asleep to comfort me, I would curl up with my elbows around my knees and think about the old castle. I'd imagine Aria, Raye, Olivia, sitting by the lake, laughing with each other, walking around the familiar halls, and I'd smile. But then I'd picture them afraid, not knowing where I was, where James was, thinking I was dead, or gone forever, and I'd have to backtrack, back to the good food and sunny skies, where my mind was free.

I wondered how my dad was doing, without my mum. I wondered if Petunia had married Vernon yet, because the wedding was coming up, and I surely wouldn't be going. I wondered if Remus and Raye were admitting that they were dating yet.

And most of all, I fantasized about being back at the castle, when it was possible for James and I to be together. I imagined telling James that I fancied him, and the million different things he could say to that- that he loved me back, that he wanted to be friends, that he wanted to never speak to me again. But then I'd look at the real James, who was pale and lackluster, and all my dreams would fall apart. Reality was better than dreams, anyway. If I could have the real James, then I didn't want him any other way.

Which is why I decided to tell James the truth- that I fancied him, more than as just a friend, one early morning. There was really nothing to lose. He'd been through enough, and maybe having my love would make him just a little bit stronger. "James. I. . . I want to tell you something."

He turned from where he was leaning against the wall, watching a young boy drawing in the dirt, and stared at me. There were dark circles under his eyes, but he smiled nonetheless, and it was like sun breaking. A tiny portion of my heart seemed to tear, how cheerful he could try to be for me, when he was anything but. I opened my mouth to talk, but closed it and bit my lip.

"What's wrong?" James asked, scooting closer to me. His eyes were like blocks of molten amber as he stared at me, concerned. I swallowed. My heart was beating so fast that it sounded like a stampede of cows. I wouldn't have been surprised if he could hear it. I grabbed his arm to steady myself.

"I thought. . . well, I don't know if we're going to die here. And if I get taken next, or something happens to you, I wouldn't want you to not know."

"Not know what?"

"Well. . ." I sighed, avoiding looking into his eyes. "This is really hard to say, you know. I don't know how you did it. But I think I lo-"

The door to the dungeon slammed open, letting in bright light, and everybody flinched away, at once. I let my sentence trail off, out of sheer fear. Fenrir Greyback was standing in the doorway, light slanting around him like some kind of horrific silhouette. He grinned, his pointed teeth dotted with blood. "Who's next?" James' hand grabbed my wrist and yanked hard, until I fell behind him, crashing hard onto the stone floor. I winced, and shoved him away. Greyback's eyes fell on us.

"How about you, darling?" He asked, leering at me. "You're really very pretty, you know. I'll try to draw out your death as much as possible." His eyelid dropped in a wink. I shuddered, unable to help myself. He noticed this, and his smile grew. "Wait a minute," he said suddenly, staring at me. "I remember you."

"No, you don't," I said weakly.

"Yes, I do!" He said triumphantly. "You were in Hogsmeade. We killed your boyfriend." James' arm shot out towards me, as though just hearing that sentence was going to cause me to fall over in shock, but I shook him off. I was stronger than that. "So what if you did?" I snapped.

"So, I'm surprised you've got a new boyfriend in a month. Bit of a w-"

"Don't talk to her," James said through gritted teeth. Greyback smiled even wider, and walked closer, until he was towering over us. James's arm went around me protectively.

"Who are you?" The werewolf growled, grabbing a tuft of James' hair and pulling on it, so that his head was tipped backwards, exposing his throat. I dug my fingernails into my palms to keep from reaching out to him. "Ah. Yes. I'd recognize your lot anywhere. A Potter." He spat the word, as though there was no lower insult on Earth. "Right. Well, then, sweetheart," he turned his head towards me, even though he was wrenching James' head back, and leered. "I'll be taking you upstairs."

"No!"

The exclamation came from James, who was suddenly looking at me with terrified eyes. He probably knew as well as I did what would happen to me. "James," I said warningly as Greyback came towards me. "Don't. . ."

"Lily, you can't. . . I lo-"

"Shut up, boy," Greyback snarls towards James, who stops talking, but gets to his feet. "Take me instead."

"What?"

"Don't touch her. Please. Wouldn't it be better, to take me? I mean, don't you want to keep her around longer? She's weaker."

I rolled my eyes. His defending me was more like insulting. But I couldn't just let this go. "James, don't leave me. Please, don't-" I was getting to my feet, running towards James, trying to shove Greyback away, but I'd barely eaten in at least a week, and I was just as weak as James had said. Greyback pushed me, so hard that I fell back against the ground and smacked my head hard. I winced, my vision spinning as I watched Greyback drag James towards the door.

"No! James!" I made one last feeble attempt at running after them, but the dungeon door slammed in my face, the lock clicked as keys were turned. "James!" I shrieked, my hands raking the iron door, pounding. Tears were swimming in my eyes. They couldn't just do that to me! They could kill me, torture _me_, but to get to me by torturing James was beyond that, inflicting a deeper pain that wouldn't heal.

I turned slowly away from the door, aware of all the eyes of the remaining children on me- accusing, curious- but I didn't look anywhere but at my feet and drifted back over towards my corner. Where James had been. I slumped onto the ground again, and rested my hand flat on the ground, where there was still some traces of heat from where he had sat. The tears were pouring thick and fast now.

James was gone. I was actually facing life without the prospect of James Potter, and realizing that this could actually break my heart. And in a way, I supposed, it already had.

A/N:

**R! E! V! I! E! W!**

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	29. Chapter 29

**Author's Note- I'm sorry this was such a late update, and I'm not one for excuses, so all I'll say is that real life sucks.**

Chapter 29

The dungeon was darker, colder and infinitely more lonely as soon the door slammed shut. I wrapped my arms around my torso as I slumped against the wall, holding myself together so that I wouldn't fall apart. The other children stared at me, wondering if I was next, if I was going to be the next one to be dragged upstairs for questioning, to join James as part of the tortured.

The screaming started at dawn. I was both expecting it and dreading it, and it was unmistakably James. I dug my fingernails into my palms and bit my tongue in an effort not to scream. I wanted to die. I wanted to rip open the walls with my own bare hands and stop them from ever hurting him again. As I shivered, I made a vow to myself, that I would never again allow somebody else to sacrifice themselves for me- not if I could save them by offering myself up.

As I lay awake that first night he was gone, my knees drawn up to my chest, staring around at the darkness that engulfed the room and smothered sounds like a blanket, I thought of an escape route. I couldn't stay here, and I couldn't leave James. The two things were linked in my mind. But there was no way to get out. There were no trapdoors, no loose bricks in the wall, not weapons or wands to be found. We were trapped lambs for the slaughter. And the only way to get out was to find some chink in the dungeon and expand it until we could slip out.

Morning was worse than the night. I couldn't hear James anymore, and my fingers beat out a frantic pattern as I imagined him, unconscious, bloody, or even dead. But imagining brought even more pain, so I masked all my emotions, pushed them to the very bottom of my soul, and looked out at the world through numbness and frigidity. The door opened late, and in came Greyback with bowls of porridge. He tossed mine to me- it shattered at my feet, spreading the gray lumps across the ground. Laughing, he leaned close to me so that his nails scratched my cheeks and his breath was foul on my face, but I turned away sharply, and the woman Death Eater called out to him, so that he straightened up, spat at me, and left the dungeon.

And then I could hear him again, James, his yelling and bloodcurdling screams of pain, and I pressed my fingers flat against the ground, willing them to stop, willing them to leave him alone, or for me to have the strength and courage to fight back. I heard a woman's voice, low and taunting, and a gasp of pain, and my fury flared up. How dare she touch him! He shouldn't be tainted by her evil hands, James, who was so good and decent and loyal. I gave a low hiss, and spread my hands out on the soil.

And then a curious thing happened. As I sat, growing angrier and angrier, a kind of warmth started emanating from my fingers. I looked down, pausing in my vicious thoughts, and saw a golden web starting to penetrate the soil and silt and concrete, spreading across the dungeon floor. I watched it with interest as it began to slowly crept towards the door. Nobody else seemed to be seeing anything. But then I heard a loud slap, and a yell of pain, and I forgot myself, fisted my hands, and felt the anger and hurt overflow.

Something exploded.

I opened my eyes and looked around at the stunned and frightened faces around me, to see the door, gently creaking open. I stared at it, and then at my hands, and a slow smile crept across my face. Nobody had touched the door. I must have done that with my magic. Well, that was one thing the Death Eaters had forgotten to take away. I got slowly to my feet, stretching my aching back and rolling my sore joints. My footsteps echoed on the ground, gunshots in the silence, and every eye was on me as I tentatively pushed at the door. It opened.

I turned to the other children, who were watching me with wary eyes. "Who wants to get out of here?" I asked, my voice soft and raspy from lack of use.

Twenty minutes later, I was standing at the front of the group of children, giving out orders. We would split into pairs, and those concerned only for their own safety could make a break towards the door, and those who wanted to help me save James, or fight the Death Eaters would circle around the upper floor. We had no wands, no weapons, nothing to help us in a fight, but I didn't care about myself. If I died trying to save James, then I could forgive myself. It was the others I worried about.

A hand touched my arm. I looked around to see a petite girl about my age, with curly black hair and rosy cheeks smiling at me. "I'll go with you," she said, raising her pointed chin up with a determination that others had teased me about. "I want to fight. They killed my brother. I want to help you save someone you love."

I was on the verge of correcting her, but decided that it didn't matter, at this point. Instead, I smiled back, something I hadn't done in days. "I'm Lily," I said, holding out my hand for her to take, if she wanted to.

She did. "Hestia."

Getting out of the cell was no problem. I poked the door with my shoulders and winced as it screeched open. Gesturing towards the others, I slipped through the frame, poking my head out to see if anybody was there. A guard stood, his back to us, twirling his wand between his fingers. I snuck up behind him, and my arms were around his throat before he could turn around in surprise. He gave a strangled gasp, trying to pry me off, but even though I was less than half his size, I clung on. I heard the rest of the students swarm out of the dungeon, running towards me, and the guard was poked, prodded, kicked, punched, and his wand was ripped out of his grip. Finally, I let go, as the girl who had the wand cast a quick stunning spell that caused him to slump to the floor, and then handed it to me. I stared. They must consider me the leader now. Feeling slightly warm, I tightened my grip on it as a pair of footsteps came clunking down the stairs, having heard the commotion.

It was a Death Eater, his black robes billowing around his feet, and his eyes widened when he saw all of us. He reached into his pocket, hands shaking but I flicked the wand and caused a cloud of dust to swirl up around him. stinging his eyes and blocking his sight. He howled, and I cast a stunning spell. As he crumpled to the ground, I pulled the wand out of his pocket and tossed it to Hestia.

"Right," I said to the group in a hushed voice. They were staring at me, the youngest looking petrified, the oldest determined. "Get out of here before they find us, or try to get your hands on a wand. Let's go!" I started up the stairs, wand held out in front of me. The stairs led to a dank and foul corridor, which branched off into three paths. Wordlessly, I gestured for Hestia to follow me through the middle, while the other two groups split up. I hoped I knew what I was doing.

The light from our wands bounced off of the walls, splitting into a thousand fragments. The corridor smelled, like rotten meat and moss and something not as describable, something like fear and death. I shivered, aware of every sound and movement that we made, and how loud it echoed. And then, abruptly, the corridor was ending. I frowned, grabbing Hestia's arm and pulling her behind a column with me. In front of us was a hallway, long and impossibly narrow, lined with hundreds of iron-barred cells, all locked. The fear was stronger here, and there were cloaked figures talking to each other, laughing, pacing up and down the hallway. I didn't need Hestia's suddenly tight grip on my arm to tell me.

We were in Azkaban.

I was frozen, my mind reeling. Azkaban. That meant we were somewhere in the middle of the northern sea. But I had thought there would be dementors. The only hooded black things I saw must be Death Eaters. So the Ministry really had lost control over the dementors- either that or Voldemort drove them out. And all the prisoners, they had been released back into the mundane world. Suddenly, I felt very young, and very foolish. We were only eighteen and there were more than twelve times as much of them than as of us. And I had no idea where James was- only that other people were with him, and here were other people. So, in theory, if I could get into the midst of them, I'd have an idea of where he was.

I couldn't be without James. He was the only thing that had saved me from completely losing it when Nate was gone. And if he died, too, then the parts of me that had been me would be dead. And so I made a decision- either very foolish, or very brave. I wouldn't give up without trying. I would try to save James from them, and get us out of here before anything could happen. I looked over my shoulder at Hestia, who's face was very pale but set. She nodded at me. I smiled at her. "If I die. . ."

". . . it was nice meeting you," she finished, with a slight grin. I tightened my grip on my wand and took a deep breath. I aimed my wand at her, casting a quick Disillusionment charm. The colors in her body slowly faded out, bleeding away into the exact image of the cell behind her. When she shifted, it shifted too. It wasn't enough to fool somebody who would be looking for it, but it would do. I waited until Hestia had cast one on me- the cold trickling down my neck and my back, and then crept out from behind the pillar. The Death Eaters weren't even trying to be inconspicuous, and their raucous laughter and jeering muffled the sounds of our footsteps, of our breathing, of my racing heart.

Passing them was terrifying. I could smell liquor on their breaths, the blood and death that clung to the folds of their robes, and their faces turned as if they could smell us too, the purity and innocence, but they didn't see anything.

And then I heard it- James' yell and the voice muttering _Crucio_. I sped up, not caring that we were in the midst of killers, until I was in front of an unlocked cell. A woman, with long, curly black hair was standing over a crumpled figure. My heart jumped into my throat as I recognized James, his eyes shut, his face screwed up in agony, blood speckling his clothes, his limbs twitching. I acted instinctively, hurdling into the cell, brandishing my wand and shouting the first hex I could think of- jelly-legs- towards the woman. She turned with a little yelp, and her eyes narrowed into the air above me. As her legs began to wobble, she raised her left arm and made a clawing motion. The Disillusionment charm was ripped off of me. I stared in horror at my quite-solid body, my red hair standing out like a beacon among all the black, before I looked back at her.

The unfortunate thing was, I could see the resemblance to Sirius Black in this woman's face. The arch of her eyebrows, the proud tilt to her nose and chin, and the thick, shiny black hair. She was beautiful in a way that was terrifying and threatening, and even the fact that she was barely upright didn't diminish that fact. Her wand came up to bat away my stunning spell and shoot a killing curse back at me, but I dodged and it blasted into the cell behind me. The resulting crash caused the Death Eaters in the vicinity to jump and look around at me.

"Leave her!" The woman, Lestrange, shouted. "She's mine." Her lip curled in a smile. "You can have her friend, though. I'm sure she's just as pretty." She made the slashing motion again, and I watched Hestia pop into appearance, flustered. I heard a laugh, and one of the Death Eaters pushed down his hood to reveal a severe face and sharp teeth. Greyback. "Don't mind if I do, Bella."

With a lazy jerk of her wand, Bellatrix sent the werewolf crashing onto the floor, limbs straight and stuck together. "Don't vex me," she hissed. "And check the prisoners! If this one's out, they all must be." They scattered, all fearing retribution, before the disarming jinx I'd sent towards her ricocheted off of the window by her head and burnt a hole in the floor. She snarled and turned towards me, as Hestia gave an anguished scream. I couldn't help her, and imagined the worst, as I batted away Bellatrix's curses. Sweat popped onto my forehead, and I could feel my wand arm aching, as she threw killing curse after killing curse in my direction.

And then, all of a sudden, she tripped, her already wobbling legs flying out form under her, and she landed in a heap on the floor. I used the opportunity to shoot a quick stunning charm at her, before directing a length of rope to tie her arms and legs together. When I was sure she was secure, I turned to see what Bellatrix had tripped on.

James was lying on the ground, his leg outstretched, his eyes miraculously open. "Thought. . . you could use the help."

"James." I breathed, my heart leaping and flooding with some emotion, before Hestia shrieked again and I tore my eyes away from him and ran out of the cell. A circle of men had surrounded her. "Incarcerous!" I shrieked. "Stupefy! Stupefy! Impedimenta!" They began to drop, one by one, the stupidest and thuggish of the lot that hadn't rushed down to check on the rest of the prisoners, like all the others had. Finally, when the last one had fell, I rushed up to Hestia, whose robes were torn. She looked terrified.

"You all right?" I asked, handing her the wand back from where it had fallen onto the floor. She nodded grimly, her hands shaking as she took it. "Fine," she said shortly, looking towards James. "How're we going to get him out?"

"I'll carry him." I didn't even have to think about it, before I was running back into the cell. He was lying on the ground, his face ashen. His eyelashes fluttered, but he grimaced. I grabbed his arm and hoisted him awkwardly up. It took a bit of maneuvering, but finally he was sprawled across my back, and I was bent over with the pain of all his weight. I didn't care, though- whatever I had to do to get James out was worth it.

"You sure you can hold him?" Hestia asked dubiously. I didn't even bother to answer, but started running again. I heard Hestia mutter something, and the weight suddenly vanished, although James' hands remained clasped around my neck. A weightlessness charm. Why hadn't I thought of that?

"Do you have any idea where we're going?" Hestia panted. We were running down an empty corridor. "Not a clue," I forced out, tightening my grip on James. He slipped forward, his head lolling against my shoulder, and his lips brushed my neck. My breathing stuttered, but he was unconscious, so I took my mind off of it and turned right, to go up a short flight of stairs. I could hear voices, but I ran towards them- maybe they would lead us to the exit. Sure enough, when the hallway ended, we were in a large and hideous entryway. A small group of Death Eaters were in a tight huddle around something I couldn't see. We hid behind the corner, and I peeked my head out to watch them. The doors were clearly right behind them- all we would have to do was get through them and out the doors before we could either swim or apparate back to Hogsmeade. I drummed my fingers anxiously against James' leg. I didn't know what the Death Eaters had done to him. Had they broken something? Was he losing all his blood? Had they put some kind of internal curse on him? We had to get him back to the Hospital Wing so that he would be all right.

I was all set for blasting through the circle and through the doors, before one man shifted, bowed low, and hurried away, down a flight of stairs. I retreated back behind the corner, before poking my head back out. My blood froze.

Because Lord Voldemort was standing in the middle of the circle, and he was, quite plainly, looking at me and smiling.

After a few, breathless, terror-filled seconds, I realized that it wasn't Voldemort after all- or it was, rather, but he wasn't there- because it was a kind of projection, a hologram, of his image giving orders to the Death Eaters. But there was no denying that his red eyes were trained at me. I only had to endure his lipless smile for a few more moments before he turned his attention back to the Death Eaters.

"Useless," he snarled at them. "If you can't even contain children in a cell, how are you supposed to be trusted with important prisoners?"

"My lord. . ." one of them crooned, bent at the waist as though he had a permanently crippling disease. "My lord. . . I don't know how. . . there was no reason for them to get out. . . no way. . ."

"Shut up, Avery," Voldemort said coldly. His eyes flickered to me again, and then back to his followers. "You have displeased me. You have until tonight to round them all up, or else suffer my wrath."

"Yes, my lord," another said. "We will have them for you by tonight. They will do your bidding."

"Good. See to it that you do." Voldemort looked at me again, and one of his eyelids fell in a deliberate wink before he turned around with a puff of cloak and disappeared. The Death Eaters followed their first companion down the stairs and soon were swallowed up by darkness as well.

I shuddered. What on earth had that been? Why didn't Voldemort turned me in? He could have watched us being slaughtered on the ground before him and barely blinked an eye. Yet, he hadn't. Had he shown us mercy? Or was it just some ulterior motive? Had he known that we couldn't have gotten out of the fortress without attracting attention? Was it just a game for him to watch, a twisted version of hide-and-seek?

Either way, I wasn't going to question it. Gesturing for Hestia to follow me, I hurried across the empty hall, towards the doors. They were locked, but that was expected, and all I had to do was flick my wand at it before the locks would spring open.

An immediate, echoing, ear-splitting shriek rang out in the silence, and I could hear shouts from below, triumphant. I pulled open the doors, and a sheet of wind whipped my hair around my face, threatening to tear James away from me. I kept a tight grasp on him, and took hold of Hestia's arm.

"Hogsmeade!" I bellowed above the wind, as footsteps sounded on the stairs and shouts were directed at us. We turned on the spot, still clutching James as best I could, and we were whisked away into the crushing darkness once again.

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	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30

"Ouch!"

"Well, if you'd hold still, this would be a lot easier!"

I was sitting on a bed in the Hospital Wing, wincing as Madame Pomfrey poked and prodded at my side with her wand. I had splinched badly, when I'd apparated with two side-alongs, and the skin on my entire left side had been stripped away, leaving me bleeding profusely. After a generous application of dittany, I now had a new layer of skin. I didn't care, however. My wounds were nothing compared to James, whom Madame Pomfrey had immediately whisked away to a bed and hadn't let me seen him since.

Unfortunately, I hadn't been able to see my friends since I'd come back early this morning. Dumbledore had been informed, and had told them, of course, but I had been quarantined in the hospital wing all day, along with Hestia, who had taken a draft of dreamless sleep potion and was lying spreadeagled on the bed nearest the door, her head shoved under a pillow. I'd have liked to do the same, except for the fact that I hadn't seen James in eight hours and I wasn't going to stop pestering the nurse until I had.

"Isn't there something I can do?" I pleaded, as Madame Pomfrey vanished the blood from my cuts and tugged my shirt back over my ribs. They were sticking out of my skin. I had lost too much weight. She clucked her tongue at me and bustled around, gathering an armful of slings and bottles. "Does James need anything? Bandages? Splints?"

She eyed me warily, then sighed. "You can rub this salve into his cuts. I took care of the deep ones, but I don't want any scarring. They're mainly on his arms and face." I followed her as she waddled down the wing and towards James' bed, before gently pushing open the curtains.

He was lying on his side on the bed, his broken leg propped up and bandaged. His face was deathly pale, a long red cut down his cheek. His hair was in its usual bird's nest- endearingly messy, and his eyes were shut, his eyelashes casting long shadows. My breath caught in my throat. He was so handsome, even broken and bruised and bleeding. A lump caught in my throat, as I imagined.

"Enjoy yourself," Madame Pomfrey said crossly, slapping a tube of salve into my hand and turning briskly on her heels. I sat myself into the chair next to the bed and stared at James warily, as though he would wake up. He didn't. I shifted my chair closer to the bed and reached out until my hand was barely skimming his face. I could feel his breath, deep and slow. His eyelashes fluttered as I passed my hand over them, my heart beating fast. I wished he would wake up. I wished he would be miraculously better.

Rubbing the salve into the cuts and bruises on James' arms was time-consuming but oddly relaxing. I watched the red scratches disappear into smooth skin and watched his face twitch in his drug-induced sleep. When I had finished, I took his hand and laced my fingers through it and watched him dream. It could be counted as somewhat creepy, but I didn't care. I jumped as James grunted in his sleep and turned a little bit. I winced with him as his leg was jarred, and hurriedly straightened it out. His face relaxed, and his lips turned up into a smile.

The expression hit me like a runaway train, and I tightened my grip on his fingers, almost clinging onto him. Maybe it was the fact that I had almost lost him, maybe the combined details of what I'd been missing out on for months- years- or maybe just the simple joy of that smile, but one thought was prominent in my mind.

I was in love with James.

I probably had been for a matter of time now. Ever since I had started talking to him- maybe even before that. It was the way he simply was- how protective and loyal he was to his friends, the way he could laugh at anything, how smart and humble and fiercely brave, and the way he would look at me, when he thought I didn't notice, as if I were the only person in the world that mattered to him. And he was the one who mattered the most to me. I felt an odd lump in my throat as I thought that.

"Lily," he suddenly muttered under his breath. I jumped and squeezed his fingers between my own. "James. Are you. . ."

He twitched, drawing his shoulders up and sighing into his pillow. There was a few moments, suspended in the air as he moved his head around, before his eyes blinked open. He looked strange without his glasses- childlike and vulnerable.

"Hi," I said, moving to take my hand away, but he kept his fingers locked within my own. "Hi," he said sweetly, blinking up at me.

"How are you?"

He paused, his lips parting as he considered. "Ouch," he said finally, wrinkling his eyebrows together. I laughed and looked down at him fondly. "That's what I thought."

It seemed that the pain-numbing potion Madame Pomfrey had completely dulled his brain and senses. Because normally he'd be asking questions, demanding to know if I was all right, or else making jokes about my splinching. But all he did was shift on the bed and draw the blankets up to his chin. "'Night," he said sleepily, his eyes drooping. I hesitated, but then leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of his forehead. "Good night," I whispered, grinning, watching as he slowly drifted off to sleep. I wasn't going to leave his side.

I slept in late that morning, because Madame Pomfrey had insisted on keeping me in the hospital wing, and yelled at me when she found me curled up in the chair besides James's bed. I got up, yawned, pulled on my robe and slippers and braided my hair over my shoulder before I ventured out of my bed and towards James'. When I pushed open the curtains, it was to find James awake, sitting up in bed with a book in his lap. I halted, my nightgown suddenly very thin indeed. "James!"

"Hi." He grinned at me as I came flying towards him and threw my arms around him. "Ow. Easy there, I'm still mending."

"Oh my God." I pulled away from him and left my hands cupping his face. "You're all right. I thought. . . I thought you were going to d-die." My voice broke, and I could feel tears coming. "Lily." His fingers caught my wrist and pulled me back down so that he could peer into my face. "I'm going to be fine. What's wrong?"

This was all wrong. I was the one who was supposed to be comforting him, not the other way around. But I sat down onto the bed and took a deep breath. "I hated it," I told him, as his warm hand clasped over mine. "I. . . I was alone, and I didn't know what was happening to you. If you were okay. I thought you were dead. I didn't want you to give yourself up for me. You're worth a hundred times more than I am."

"You know that's not true." His thumb was brushing small circles onto my skin. "It could never be."

I looked into his face, and the air was thick and heavy with the hundreds of unsaid things buzzing about. His eyes drooped. I suddenly realized my lips were parted and broke the silence with a ragged breath.

"You should go to sleep," I told him. "You look awful."

"Thanks." He smiled impishly and adjusted himself on the pillow. "But first tell me what happened."

I told him, ignoring when his fingers dug into my skin and his eyes widened. When I got to the part about Voldemort, he actually made a move towards me, as though he were about to hug me, but I put my hands on his chest and gently shoved him back down. "And then he disappeared, and we were able to run out the doors and disapparate."

He frowned, watching me, but I could tell his mind was a hundred miles away. "But why would You-Know-Who just let you go? That's not what he does. Shouldn't he have pointed you out?"

"That's what's odd. He just winked at me."

James shuddered, exactly like I had. "Ew."

"What?"

"He must have had a thing for you."

"Ew." I wrinkled my nose at him, ignoring him when he laughed. "Well, thanks for that mental image."

He yawned, and I drew my dressing gown more tightly around myself. "You really should get some sleep, all right?" It was a mark of how tired he was, that he didn't try to argue, merely nodded and shifted down in his bed. I got to my feet and stared down at him. My heart felt like it was swollen two sizes too big for my chest. "You'll be all right, alone? You don't need my to stay with you?" He shook his head. "I'll be back soon, you know."

He opened his eyes and they laughed at me. "Lily. I know you will. Stop fretting, and go find your friends. I'll be fine."

"I know," I echoed, and then tucked the blankets up to his chin and smoothed them out. "Bye."

"Bye," he repeated, but it was stifled by a yawn. I smiled and pulled the curtains back around his bed.

I wanted to throw myself at him, to tell him a thousand things that I could never say, to curl up beside him and hold on tight. But I couldn't, and though he seemed to have forgiven me and even to be interested in me, I didn't want to risk it all, and there was always the possibility that he would say no, and laugh at me for loving him. So I grabbed a pile of clean clothes from the dresser and left to change and hurry back to my dormitory.

. . . . . . . .

"Lily!"

I stepped through the doorway of the dormitory, caught a glimpse of the red curtain hangings and golden tapestries that I'd been longing for weeks, before there was a sound of pounding footsteps, and four girls came pounding towards me, throwing their arms around me. I gasped, my newly mended side stretching beyond comfort. Aria, her face rounder than it had been, and hair plaited back, stepped back, and her smile turned into a frown. "Everyone step back!" She bellowed. "You're hurt."

"Aria." I laughed at her, holding out my arms and letting her hug me as though I were a delicate china doll. "I missed you." Hugging was a way to convey things I couldn't say, to rid my mind of the unspeakable horrors, and I could feel her hair tickling my cheek.

"I thought you were dead," she told me tearfully, pulling back holding me at arms length, afraid I would disappear at any moment. "I didn't know if we would ever see you again. Merlin, it's been three weeks!"

"Has it really?" I grabbed my elbow and bit the inside of my cheek as she let go of me. "I had no idea."

"And you're so skinny. Did they feed you at all?"

"Hardly anything."

"You're all right, though?" Raye asked worriedly, holding out her arms as I gave her a customary hug, and then one to Olivia, and Sara. They watched me carefully, as though I were some kind of a specimen in a petri dish. I looked right back at them, drinking in their faces after so long apart. "You're not going to be in the Hospital Wing now? I heard James was."

"No. I'll be here. James is going to be all right, though, He's just in a drug-induced sleep. He's got to heal before he comes back."

"So, you two were alone in a dungeon together?" Olivia wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. I looked at her in shock. "Seriously? That's what you think was going on?"

"Of course not, Lily," Aria said quickly, shooting Olivia a glance. "So. . . what happened?"

"Yes. How did they get you? Did they torture you?" Raye asked eagerly, leaning towards me. I backed away, and an anxious crowding feeling made it hard to breathe. "Um. . . no. I really don't want to talk about it. Sorry."

"It's okay." Aria said, her eyebrows creased neatly down the middle. "But. . . you sure you're all right, Lil?"

I smiled but it felt unreal. "I'm fine," I said for the second time. And I felt then, in the warm and cozy dormitory, where my friends with their neat clothes and pretty hair stared at me, that we were separated from each other by some kind of a line. They had no idea what had happened to me.

Some things could never be the same.

. . . . . . .

The next day, when I went into the Hospital Wing between classes, I found James sitting up in his bed with a murderous expression on his face. I froze before I got to him, my hands bunching up. I remembered that expression, vividly, from some blurred memories of a few months ago, and it brought back fear. "What did I do?"

His anger paused, and he smiled stiffly. "You didn't do anything, Lily. You never do."

"Then what's wrong?" I sat down on the bed and stared at him curiously. He rolled his eyes as Madame Pomfrey came clicking towards us. "I won't let him out," she told me, bringing over a stack of clean towels. "He's been driving me up the wall for six hours, but he can't go to his classes until he's fully healed."

"I _am_ fully healed!" James protested. "I can walk."

Madame Pomfrey snorted. "The last time you tried it, you fell flat on your face and couldn't get up without levitating yourself. Luckily for you, I was there, so you didn't do too much damage. The last thing you need is more injuries, Mr. Potter."

I tried not to laugh at the expression on James' face. It was hard to argue with logic. I put my hand on his shoulder and watched his face soften as he turned to me, and wondered, once again, what would happen if I told him."James. All you have to do is stay another week, right?" I looked towards Madame Pomfrey. She nodded, and scooped up the heap of dirty clothes next to his bed before bustling away. I smiled down at him. "That's not too long. And I'll be here every day, after classes."

"What about your friends?"

I looked away. I didn't want to have this conversation with him, right now. "James. . ."

"Did you talk with them?" He ignored my avoidance and grabbed onto my arm. I sighed, wanting to grab his hand but afraid of what would happen if he pulled away. "Yes. They. . . well, they missed me. They were worried about me. They're glad I'm back."

"But. . .?"

"But they don't really understand. I don't think anybody understands." His hand had somehow found its way into my own. I laced my fingers through his absently. "Nobody but you." His eyes caught mine. The silence deepened into something else, something more. I looked away. "They wanted to know what happened. They wanted to know if I was tortured. They wanted to know what they did to you. And. . . I can't tell them. I'm trying not to think about it myself."

"Lily." His eyes were so intense that I found them hard to look at. "I know what you mean. When my mates came to visit me, Sirius made an awkward joke, Remus brought a psychology book that he swore would fix me, and Peter brought chocolate and avoided talking to me. But you can't just shove them away. They love you."

I looked at him, and then away, quickly. "I guess I'll try. And I'll try to forget about it, too."

"Not forget. Just don't dwell on it." He leaned over to take a sip of tea on his bedside table, then wiped his mouth and settled back onto the pillow. "I know something that will cheer you up, though."

"What?"

He grinned crookedly. "Know what month it is?"

"June. Why?"

"Guess what's in June?"

I frowned at him. "Er. . . graduation?"

"No. . . the ball. Remember you said you'd go with me, at the beginning of the year, if I didn't ask you out once?"

I suddenly laughed and stared at him. "Oh my god! I can't believe you remember that. Merlin. Seems like a lifetime ago."

"So, what do you think? You and me?"

"James Potter, that was the most poorly worded question I've ever heard." I teased. He raised his eyebrows, looking hopeful. "Of course I'll go," I told him. "I don't like to break my promises. Besides, you actually kept your word."

"I always do."

"Mm. I can believe that." I stood up, as the bell rang outside. "I've got to go to class. When's the ball, anyway?"

"Saturday. I should be out by then." He propped himself up on his elbows as he watched me grab my bookbag and sling it over his shoulder. "So I'll pick you up in the common room?"

"I would think so." I paused, my hand clasping the strap of my bag. "Get better soon, all right?" He smiled and looked down, his eyelashes casting long shadows on his cheeks and his lips red and entirely kissable. "See you later, Lily."

I could feel his eyes burning a hole in my back as I walked out and smiled to myself.

Perhaps on Saturday. . . I could tell him.

. . . . .

**Review?**


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N- Hello, my lovelies! I've been a horrible person to you this past month! An entire month without updating! I should be tortured in the worst ways- bamboo skewers underneath my fingernails, tickle torture- maybe even *GASP* never reading Harry Potter again! NOOOOO!**

**Anyway, this is going to be the last chapter. There will be NO epilogue, because all the fluffy stuff is in here. I hope you all enjoy it. I'm sorry if it isn't what you wanted, but I tried. There'll be an insanely long author's note at the bottom, so keep an eye out for that.**

**Disclaimer- absolutely none of this is mine.**

**Without further adieu. . .  
**

Chapter 31

Summer was finally here. The air was thick and heavy and full with the buzzing of mosquitoes, and the sky was a brilliant, perfect blue. N.E. were over at last, and after spending more than a week worrying about my grades and obsessively studying, I could relax underneath the large tree by the lake and watch the squid reaching out a languid tentacle to splash at swimmers. James was getting better. Madame Pomfrey had finally allowed him to pack up his things and move back to the dormitory, which of course meant a night of celebration for all of us. Things were different between the two of us now. There was a feeling in the air, as though something ripe and wonderful was hanging between the two of us, and all that had to be done was for us to reach out and take it.

The night of the ball came at last, on the final week of school. Aria, Sara, Olivia, Raye and I were lounging on the couches in the Common Room, waiting for our dates to meet us in an ironic twist of events, probably due to the fact that we had gone up to our dormitories to get dressed three hours early.

And I was a complete wreck. Tonight was it. THE night. The only time I had to tell James how I felt about him, before the rush of graduation started. It wasn't that I was afraid he would turn me down. Well, a bit of that, but he was James, and even if he had moved on, he would let me down nicely. It was just the actual act of telling him that was making my palms sweat and my stomach tie in knots. I'd never had to do anything like that before. Now I was much more appreciative of how James must have felt when he asked me out every single day for three years.

"Lily." I looked over at Aria, who was lounging against the chair. Her dress was a deep royal blue that perfectly matched the color of her eyes, and her hair spilled over her shoulders- not curled, not straightened, but in its natural state. She wasn't wearing any makeup- just a light wash of shimmery eyeshadow and a dusting of rosy blush. She grinned, and looked more lovely than I'd ever seen. "Calm down. It's only James. If he's near you, he's perfectly happy."

"You don't know that." My voice sounded slightly hysterical. She smiled. "Honey. It's your first date. I think I would know that."

"It's not a date."

She raised her eyebrows at me, and I blushed. "All right. Well, maybe I want it to be. But it's not." She looked away, shaking her head, and I thought I heard her mutter something like, _'that's what you think'_.

I got to my feet, unable to sit in silence anymore, and started pacing, smoothing out my skirt as I went. I'd bought a simple white dress from Hogsmeade the weekend after I returned to the school, a thin strapless gown with a green sash that hugged me around the waist and flared out, almost like a flower over my knees, and a pair of small heels. Aria had french-braided my hair up into a wreath-like crown, with side bangs gently framing the curve of my cheek. All of the flaws on my face were erased, and my cheeks were rosy, my eyelashes twice as long as normal. As many times as Aria had done my hair and makeup this year, the difference it made was still unbelievable.

Raye looked almost as nervous as me. She was going with Remus, and I wouldn't be surprised if something happened between them tonight as well. Her dress was the color of buttery yellow sunshine, and her hair curled around her shoulders. Her fingernails drummed against the chair she was sitting on.

There were footsteps on the stairway to the boy's dormitory, and Remus came downstairs, followed closely by Peter and Sirius. The former grinned at Raye, who's cheeks were suddenly a pretty pink. "Ready to go?"

"Sure." She got up and grabbed his hand. He squeezed her fingers. I smiled. They were so adorable when they were with each other that they were bound to be together at some point. "See you there, Lily. Aria." She waved her free hand at us, and they disappeared out the portrait hole, leaving us alone with Sirius and Peter.

It was possibly the most awkward situation I had ever been in. Sirius was openly staring at Aria, who was trying to look as though she didn't care, but I could see her hands clenched together so hard that her nails were carving marks out of her skin.

"So," I drew out the word in an attempt to ease the tension. It didn't work. "Who're you going with?"

"Mary McDonald," Peter said shyly, and I smiled. She was a quiet Hufflepuff with pale blond hair and a round face- she would probably suit Peter. Sirius didn't look away from Aria. "I'm going stag," he said, and the implications made her blush. "What about you?"

She cleared her throat and tossed her head so that her neck was exposed, making her look more vulnerable. "Nobody. Well, Sara and Liv. They don't have dates either." She looked over at where the two girls were sitting and smiled. Sara got to her feet. "We should probably go," she said, running a hand through her hair and teetering slightly on the absurdly high heeled shoes. "Don't want to be late, you know."

"Right." Aria swivelled her eyes back to look at Sirius. "Where's James?"

Sirius smirked and threw a glance over his shoulder towards me. "Still in the dormitories, fussing over his hair. I swear, he's a girl at heart. He's terrified that you'll dump him if his hair is out of place." He rolled his eyes. I grinned. There was a warm feeling building in my chest, almost like the kind you get when you drink hot butterbeer. "Then you guys should go. I'll wait here for him."

"See you there," Aria got to her feet and immediately stepped as far away from Sirius as possible. "Have fun." She winked at me, and made her way towards the Portrait Hole, followed closely by the two boys. I sighed, and sat back down on the couch to wait.

. . . . . . . . . .

"Lily."

It had been almost fifteen minutes, and I had been in a half slumber, repeatedly dozing off before catching myself. I started, my purse clutched in my hands, and turned. My heartbeat seemed to slow. James was standing in front of the doorway, his hands shoved into his pockets. He was wearing a black suit and pants, with a pale green shirt and tie, and his hair actually looked tame, for once. He smiled at me, and there was a fluttering in my heart. "Hi," I said breathlessly.

"Hi." He walked towards me and produced a tiny corsage out of nowhere. "For you." His hands were warm around my wrist, tying on the green-and-white flowers. He didn't let go of my hand when he was finished, but folded it into his own. His eyes were soft when he looked at me.

"Thank you," I said, ducking my head as he continued to stare.

"You're beautiful."

I grimaced up at him. "Only because Aria fixed me up."  
"No." His fingers came up under my chin and tipped it up so that I could see his face. "You are beautiful, Lily. And not because of the makeup." I edged closer to him, until his arm was forced to go around my shoulders, and my cheek was pressed against his chest. "You're very sweet," I murmured. "Thank you."

"Any time." I could practically feel his grin, even if I couldn't see it. We started out of the Common Room, through the hallway, down the marble stairs and towards the Great Hall, still with our arms around each other. "Sirius said you were fussing over your hair," I said conversationally. "Something about me not liking you if it wasn't perfect?"

He blushed. I grinned. "It's okay," I breathed, and reached up with my hands to tousle it softly, until it was exactly the way it should be. "I like it more messy, anyway."

My hand refused to come back to my side. His eyes met mine, and the silence once again was filled with something more, as it was bound to do when we were alone. I didn't back away, this time. "James." I had meant my voice to sound a bit determined, but instead it was high and tremulous.

His hand reached up, closed around my wrist, and slid it down from his hair until it was resting on his cheek. His eyes were fixed upon my expression, watching me cautiously, as though I were a deer he might frighten away, and although that left me time to snatch my hand away and turn and flee, I didn't. I stepped closer, and watched his eyelashes flutter shut behind his glasses. "Lily. . . we need to talk."

"About what?" His voice had a husky timber to it that sent shivers chasing each other down the back of my neck.

"About us."

I swallowed. "Can't. . . can't it wait?" I didn't want to hear him say it, the dreaded line- 'I think we should be just friends'. "We do have a ball to get to." I made to move my hand away, but his fingers turned vice-like and his eyes cold. "No. No, Lily, it can't wait. All I ever do is wait, or watch you run away. Not again."

I sighed, and he let go of my hand so that it fell limply. "Running away. . . I don't think I can. . . No, you're right. I need to tell you something." I tilted my chin up, so that I was looking directly into his face. "You said you loved me, four months ago. And I hated you for it. . . I'm sorry."

His eyes were unreadable, as though he had pulled the shutters down.

I went on. "I thought I could ignore you, or somehow convince myself that you didn't mean anything to me. That you were just a friend. And I had no idea how much I would hurt you, in the process." I winced at the memory, and bowed my head so I wouldn't have to meet his expression. "I was stupid, so stupid to push you away, again and again, and expect you to be there for me every time, to not care about your needs and make you think that I. . . that you weren't anything to me."

"But you know what? I never could ignore you. Even. . . even when I was eleven, and you were the annoying boy always tugging on my braids, and I told you I hated you. . . All that emotion had to go somewhere, see?"

He was looking at me as though I was on the verge of losing it, and opened his mouth. I shook my head at him. "Let me finish. . . I need to. I know that I took you for granted. And I can understand if you just want to forget about me as soon as the year is over. But I could never forget about you. You're the reason why I'm here right now. You've saved me, more than once, from the Death Eaters. . . but also from myself. . . Oh my God, I sound like a Valentine's Day commercial."

He grinned. I swallowed, and attempted to finish. "Anyway. I just wanted you to know that. . . that I think I might be in love with you."

I ducked my head hastily so that I wouldn't have to see his expression and began rambling. "If you don't feel the same way, it's fine, I mean, I completely understand, you don't have to-"

I was quite abruptly silenced by a finger tilting my head upwards, and a pair of warm lips pressing themselves over mine. I froze, unwilling to believe it, and shoved at James' chest until I could see the expression on his face. He was grinning.

"Wait. . . did you just kiss me?" My realization was catching up with me. His hands slid from underneath my chin to down my back, where they looped around my waist.

"I believe that's what it's called."

"But. . . but. . ."

He sighed with impatience. "You honestly don't get it? Okay. . . how could you even believe, for one moment, that I could have stopped loving you?"

The expression in his eyes. . . Merlin, it was near enough to make me melt. "Oh," I said faintly, and that was all I could get out before he brought his lips back down to mine. I kissed him back with enthusiasm, grasping his face between my hands as though it were my lifeline. He tasted fantastic, like cinnamon and sweets and a certain flavor that could only be described as _James_.

"Finally!" A voice said from nearby, and I broke apart from James to see Aria peering out from around the door, her face full of delight. "I can't believe it! Raye! Olivia! They're together!"

I groaned and buried my head into James' shoulder as two more sets of footsteps came skidding to a halt and there were identical excited shrieks. James laughed, his breath tickling the hairs on top of my head, and his hands tightened around my waist. "Do you think I could leave us alone?"

All though I agreed with this idea- very, very much, in fact- I heard Aria chuckle, and then there were hands pulling me away from him. "Sorry, James," she said regretfully. "It's our last dance at Hogwarts! You can't have Lily the whole time. We're kidnapping her."

"But-" I started to protest, but James grinned and held out his hands for me. "Have fun," he told me, as I managed to slip away from them and hug him back. He seemed to mold around me as though it were natural. "But I do expect to dance with her at least once," he warned the others in mock-seriousness.

"Of course," Aria said, an evil grin plastered across her face.

". . . don't let me go," I pleaded, but he kissed the top of my head, and then tilted my chin up so that our lips could fit together one more time. "See you in a bit."

"Love you."

I was near enough to him that I could feel his breathing stutter. He moved his hand from the small of my back to my neck where he toyed with a few stray hairs that had escaped from the careful twist. "I love you more."

I pressed my face into his side so that he couldn't see the broad smile that burst out as he said those words, nor the warm, giddy feeling that was now bubbling inside my stomach. This was exactly how it was meant to be, and the only real shame was that I hadn't told him until now. He kissed me again, before letting me go and looking at the girls. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"Which leaves everything," I retorted. He grinned at me and raised his eyebrows up and down, before turning the corner into the ball and disappearing.

"I really hate you right now," I told Aria, as she linked her arm through mine and moved with me into the Great Hall.

"Sorry. But it's for your own good, you know. You have your entire life to be with James. We'll only be allowed to have fun for the next five days."

"You think?" I smiled, at that thought. Going out on dates with James. Cuddling up on couches with him. Taking long walks in parks. Having snowball fights. Moving in together. Baking cookies and spoiling the dough because we weren't watching when we put in the salt. Starting a family. "Well, I guess when you put it that way. . ."

So I held out my hands with a sigh and allowed them to drag me in, laughing, into the dance-floor.

"What's going to happen now?"

James looked down at me as though I had lost my mind. We were on the dance-floor, a loud, pulsating beat causing the ground to quiver, but my arms were wrapped around his neck and we were revolving in time to a much slower tune. I'd been danced out, and had taken off my shoes, now strewn in a corner, but I wasn't too worried about them, and my feet were now on top of James' as he stepped from side to side.

"Well. . . we'll dance some more, get something to eat, and then probably leave."

I grinned. "No. . . I mean, once Hogwarts is over. We only have five more days before graduation, you know."

"Lily." The look in his eyes was so intense that I suddenly found it quite difficult to breathe. "I don't know what I'm going to do in five years from now. Hell, I don't even know what I'm going to do five hours from now. All I do know is that I love you, and I want to be with you. You worry too much. We don't have to plan out our whole lives right here."

"But what if we get lost, out there? In the real world?"

"Then we can be lost together." His hand caressed the back of my neck, warm and supportive. "And I'll be there for you, okay? No matter what. Even if you don't want me to be. I'll be stealthy."

I laughed. "All right. But I'll always want you. That won't change." I pressed my head up against his collarbone, and when I exhaled, my breath left goosebumps on his skin. He didn't say anything, just leaned his head against mine. To my left, Raye and Remus were dancing, their bodies far too close for 'just-friends'. Aria was dancing, her hair swinging behind her, her arm joined together with Olivia's. As I watched, Sirius approached her, put his hand on her back and whispered in her ear. She stopped, her face tilting towards him without thought, and then nodded slowly. He offered her his hand. There was a moment of hesitation, but she took it, and then they were dancing, staring at each other as though looking away could cause blindness. I smiled. Maybe it was the time for new beginnings. They certainly deserved it.

We deserved it too. I turned my head back, saw the scars on James' neck, the reminders of what we had been through, of what there was still to come. Voldemort was still out there, somewhere, and my thin bubble of happiness could not protect me if I were in his way. But if the time did come, James and I would get through it together.

Always together.

The End

**A/N- So that's it, folks! The very end. I'm quite sad. You guys and this story have been my life, all through my eighth grade and into my freshman years. (Yes, that's how old I am. Don't judge me!) Thank you so much for supporting me, and sending me all the lovely, lovely reviews and messages and alerts that really do make my day a lot better.**

**I'm going to try to respond to every review given this time. . . . if you guys want to hear from me, then tell me your favorite part/your least favorite part. Tell me which parts you wish I'd written a bit better. Which leads me to. . .**

**THE UPDATES: (stick around if you're interested in what I write)**

**1) I'm going to do a renovation of this story, as it was started almost a year ago, and my writing is blah when I read it now. I'm probably going to rewrite most of the chapters, and perhaps change the content of them. **

**SO, IF YOU GET UPDATE EMAILS, IT WON'T BE BECAUSE I'VE ADDED ANOTHER CHAPTER- IT'LL BE BECAUSE AN OLD CHAPTER HAS BECOME BETTER. **

**If you want to read the better chapters, feel free, but really, it's not necessary. I'm also going to change the title, most likely, because this one kind of sucks.**

**2) I may or may not get around to finishing My Angel (gag). A lot of people have been requesting a finish, but I'm just not feeling. Would you be too upset if I deleted it?**

**3) I have a ton of oneshots planned, and already written. I love oneshots! That's one thing I'll never stop doing. One that I'm currently working on has to do with Lily and James and what happens after they leave Hogwarts, until the day that they die, only it'll be vaguely more interesting than that, because that sounds very dry.**

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